More terribly the love of an animal is not present
of Attention and the love never happens enough. And therefore each of us in different degree hungers on the close and confidential relations. But strange business: it is worth finding such relations, they begin to cause the “allergy“ forcing to run away from proximity. And if the person runs away from something, so the fear works? But fear of what?
we Want not to receive the desirable that or not, children`s impressions are made our first “road map“ of love. Couple which we are going to meet, of course, are fine to owe. But there is more to come: on fancy children`s logic, our future partner has to give us the portion of love half-received in the childhood.
The matter is that even the most careful parents could not answer all our emotional needs. Therefore unconsciously we wait for the due compensation from the elect. For example, the girl looks for the almighty father who always relieves of troubles and specifies the necessary direction; and her elect looks for “mother“ who understands him for 100% and does not cease to admire him constantly. It is not possible to find the living being who completely would meet these expectations. Therefore we begin to be afraid of disappointment.
Such fear can become especially strong at those who in the childhood happened to lose the parent - as a result of death or at divorce in a family. They as if make the decision:“ Better to anybody not to become attached because I will not endure loss if to throw me“. The love becomes danger, and the fear to get once again into such situation blocks development of any deep relations.
I, at last, guessing presence at itself of the overestimated children`s expectations to the partner, we have the right to expect, as it has just the same bouquet of requirements. It is quite probable that he wants to see in us the perfect parent and a continuous source of the happiness. And if we do not fulfill these requirements, we will be just eaten with bones and left with only one terrible sense of guilt.
the Success against love
Is also one more reason of fear of love is a cult of success. We from kindergarten well acquired what is important. It is important to win at competitions, to win first place, to show the advantages. That is, to try to be the best. Precisely the same is demanded by a family, school and institute. It is absolutely simple to transfer such scheme to the relations with an opposite sex: it is important to win his best representatives. For this purpose it is necessary to use all imaginable means of compliance to social standards. Such strategy is good for teenage self-affirmation, but when the adult wins a similar competition, he risks to remain with the victory in emptiness. In close relations of the logician of success it is badly combined with logic of love. More precisely, two of these logicians enter direct collision. It is necessary to choose constantly - whether to be themselves or to show it to good effect. But it is impossible to hide the weaknesses eternally.
what occurs after flirtation and the period of romantic courting is contrary to culture of success. To love - means voluntarily to agree to emotional dependence on another, and the culture of success accustomed us to appreciate independence. “Win“ against those who do not seek to win close relations, and for “success“ it is worth refusing external standards and to be reconciled with imperfection. But such refusal of self-realization is too unusual and therefore frightens.
Fear of transition
I, at last, when people consider joint life, before them fears which can seem far-fetched or dishonest in relation to the partner rise. In practice, it is quite natural fears connected with the choice moment - with the fact that we at a new stage should leave several fine opportunities. We say goodbye to freedom to live to anybody without reporting, we leave prospect to get the noncommittal affair with the pleasant person, at last, we refuse a set of daily habits, like unsystematic scattering of the socks and washing of ware in process of disappearance of pure.Loss of freedom and opportunities frightens by
- and it is quite real fear. But if we realize it, for fear it becomes the conscious choice.
However, today more and more people try to avoid the conscious choice - the benefit, the public opinion allows not to make each other final promises “forever“. The culture of the relations “light“ increases romantic and sexual freedom, but with another - allows the person to run away from the fear of proximity as there is always readily available “emergency exit“ from the relations. On one bowl of scales - the relations without pain and consequences, on another - lack of an opportunity to grow as growth happens in deep relationship.
Transition through fears
the Real proximity, a new form of life together, frightens - it is normal. It is healthy fear of development and growth. It is better to realize it: then there is an opportunity to choose how to live further. Otherwise it is possible to get stuck for a long time between two polar fears: fear of loneliness and fear of love. Anyway, fear - not the most successful motivator for our life.
Should admit to itself that the love is terrible and that these fears are normal. Then at least it is possible to meet fears.
in general all fears of proximity can be referred to one of two categories: it is fear of rejection (“I will not be wanted, I will be thrown“) and fear of absorption (“I will be deprived of freedom, will control, I will not be able to realize myself“). The first traditionally is considered female, the second - man`s, but this too primitive simplification: the same person at different stages of development of the relations can test any of them.
the Fear of rejection forces to agree too willingly with another, refusing itself. If to realize it, it forces to learn to love and appreciate itself. Then it is possible not to be afraid of small signs of rejection in the form of quarrels and claims: let are dissatisfied with me - it is not a doomsday yet. Eventually, even if darling will leave, life goes on. When the person does not realize fear of absorption, he automatically speaks “no“ and refuses everything, just because at any cost protects the independence. Actually, he does not manage to think of what he wants and what is not present. Having distinguished this fear, the person is free to speak “yes“ and “no“ osmyslenny, and also to put to another reasonable borders. At last, it is worth understanding that the love is really huge real risk with real losses. And then it is possible to pass gradually from illusions to reality.