When your child is the leader of
we will not hide, first experience with children about whom the speech will go now, it was for us quite unsuccessful. Five-year-old Renat always and in everything wanted to be the first: without waiting for the turn, ran to do something; volunteered to answer, without having thought up the answer; and when we noted success somebody another, was angry and strove to offend it. But, working with group, but not individually, we even at big desire could not be engaged all the time only in this juvenile Narcissus. However, and the desire special did not arise: too selfishly and provocatively he behaved.
One cannot say that mother did not try to bring to reason it, however he turned to her admonitions a deaf ear and when she occasionally raised the voice, snapped. The helpless, guilty smile did not descend from a face of mother: it was very a shame to it with the son, but it could do nothing with him. As it is easy to guess, we did not resist temptation though a little “to okorotit“ Renat. However the severity generated offenses and flashes of aggression. Soon we understood that we go on the same way which already there passed mother: she tried “to use in due time the power too“, but, having faced persistent resistance, gave in. “And the father at it same, - she to us, - slightly complained that she not on it, tears and throws. Always has to be on the first roles, and otherwise to nobody life will be. Leader!“
It is curious that it wanted to complain, and the last phrase absolutely in a different way was heard: with an obvious shade of pride. It is remembered, we still paid attention to this discrepancy, but only as to a funny thing, no more than that. Then there were Sasha, Artur, Vadik and Gosha. Gradually we learned to cope with them.
How to treat the child, which at heart the leader? It is only impossible to extol and pass it forward! Before answering this question, we will specify that we talk not about the real leaders now, and about children with the obvious or hidden claims for leadership which they do not manage to realize in any way. The real leader it is visible at once. It differs from artificial first of all in the fact that it did not break communication function. It is able not only to become the center of attention, but also to get on with people. And for this reason so often tries to obtain the. The person with the overestimated claims for leadership too usually comes under the spotlight, however this attention with a minus sign. He konflikten, is sensitive, badly makes a compromise. These children often are informers or bores for whom it is the most important to prove the case in any circumstances. Hand in hand with envy which sometimes eats soul of such child there is a jealousy. He does not suffer competitors. (Of course, and the real leader sharply reacts to an opportunity suddenly to appear playing a supporting role, however it, unlike artificial, is able to estimate soberly the forces and is not eager to be by all means “ahead of the planet of all“). And if in a family there is other child, he and to parents will not be envied. However jealousy in this case, speaking mathematical language, size derivative. It is secondary, and thirst of leadership is primary. Therefore we, facing in our work with jealous natures, allocate not jealousy, but vanity as a pathological dominant.
What disturbs “leaders - to losers“ to achieve good luck? There is a lot of reasons. Among the most widespread - discrepancy of abilities of the person to the level of its claims, the increased vulnerability when the slightest failure is perceived as accident therefore the fear of defeat settles in soul; lack of psychological flexibility, inability to orient quickly in a new situation; obsession with and misunderstanding of psychology of other people. And, at last... cowardice. Yes, among children who are brought to us there are a lot of such which very much wants to be proved and it is only terrible. As they say, there is also a wish, and it is pricked. Here really rattling mix!
of Missile defense a number of behavioural deviations (obstinacy, jealousy) we said that they are not a pathological dominant as on closer examination it turns out that a hitch in something another; but here about thirst of leadership of it you will not tell. This integral property of nature is also shown it very much early. Sometimes it is necessary to hear from parents:“ Probably, any person likes to be the first“. Yes, it is unconditional, to nobody not on temper when it is persistently pushed aside on a background and it serves only as a background for someone more successful, however very many people quite are content with situation conducted and do not seek to head something at all, without wishing to take the responsibility and to suffer other costs of “leaderism“. Therefore parents need to try to estimate objectively whether their child has a need for leadership, and not to indulge in wishful thinking. And it meets quite often. Especially in recent years, when the part of society strenuously tries to adopt the western way of life and, including, western (to be exact, American) the principles of education. One of such important principles is orientation of the child to success.
For the first time we seriously thought of this problem a few years ago, during interview which was taken from us by the correspondent of one youth newspaper.
- Now often inspire in children that they have to be leaders, it is obligatory to try to obtain success, - she told. - How you consider, in children it is useful to develop a competitive spirit? Here, for example, this idea is very popular in America.
Frankly speaking, her words took us unawares. We somehow did not think of it at all and uttered indistinctly something quite unintelligible. But the question cut us to the quick. We then more than once to it came back. And now surely would answer our interlocutor:“ Is not present“. Watching children, we came to a conclusion that our children not of a sorevnovatelna, orientation to success often only does them neurotic. We think that sources of it should be looked for in features of communal psychology which did not disappear with abolition of country communities at all, and removed to the Soviet reality and began to be called “spirit of a collectivism“. Now she has an effect that huge number of people (and not only the senior and average generation) feel extremely uncomfortably in we atomiziruyushtsya society and is spontaneous “get off in packs“ - in the most different, whether it be accession to church communities, numerous clubs and associations, political to parties or... to mafia groups. However, it is already other subject. Here we will tell only, as the communal psychology in Russia grew not from scratch: it was based on orthodox ethics which, to put it mildly, disapprovingly belong to an ideal of personal success.
It does not mean that the success here is not encouraged at all. No, but social approval is got by successful activity for the benefit of society (for the child it is, first of all, collective which member he is: group in kindergarten, a school class, the company in the yard, etc.) . What usually teach to kids who play in a sandbox? To be kind, to share toys, not to offend other children, to play peacefully together. With age these installations, naturally, become complicated, but, in fact, do not change. Whom usually school students recognize as leaders? Excellent students? No, they are considered most often as swots, lickspittles and favourites. Perhaps, the strongest and dexterous schoolmates? Too not. And fighters who flaunt, playing muscles, children do not love. Are afraid, but do not love. Those who are allocated with clothes boasts of parental money, cars and the other benefits, call voobrazhalam. So who all - is capable to apply really for “sacredly the post“ which how shows life, is not empty practically in one class? It are the most different boys and girls (including from above-mentioned categories), but all of them have to be by all means soul of the company, be able to come into contact with people around and to share with them, to share not only candies and machines, but also the cheerfulness, fun, initiative, an ingenuity, the imagination, force, courage, knowledge... Remember how children love those who have the gift of the story-teller! Therefore our children as it seems to us, it makes sense to focus on success together with others and for the sake of others.When we it understood
, it became easy for us to work with the children striving for superiority. We did not cease to fight against their egocentrism and aspiration to constantly stick out the “I“, but now, okorachivy “yakolok“, at the same time them... we ennoble. Earlier we spoke: “Suffer, Kolya. You acted as the first last time. Let on this occupation somebody another will be the first“. Now we speak:“ Kolya, give you today you will be the most noble and patient, all right? How you think, you will be able to pass four children forward and not to be upset? Really? Wow! Look, children, what Kolya noble! He very much wants to act as the first, and he agreed to wait quietly for the turn and to attentively look at sketches which you prepared“.
We try to create as soon as possible at such children feeling of group. Individualists at heart, they are not inclined to empathy. On the contrary, the spirit of rivalry separates them from the others. Of course, it is possible and it is necessary to inspire in them that it is bad to envy that should not be jumped out always forward, etc. But it is much more productive, in our opinion, to try to expand the category “my“ in their representation. The more people in it will be included, the it will be easier for the pseudo-leader to become the real leader. One business when such child sees in children of rivals with whom it is necessary to struggle, and absolutely another when he begins to consider them as companions, in something even colleagues to whom it, such clever, strong, skilled and in general remarkable, will help.
Listing the reasons preventing pseudo-leaders to become the presents we, in particular, mentioned cowardice which is combined with hypertrophied vanity. The artful intriguer, such “gray cardinal“ can grow up from such nature. If to be engaged with the child, then the shyness can be ennobled to restraint and discretion (that to modern measures is unconditional advantage), and the hypertrophied vanity should provide the open, but not secret platform for self-affirmation. Subsequently, when the child will be convinced of the solvency, it is desirable to orient him on protection weak, not demanding, however, need to show big courage and to struggle with strong rivals. In the future from such child the good teacher can turn out.also other case Is possible
: not satisfied thirst of leadership and desperate fear of defeat. It would seem, it is very similar on previous, but actually it is about much more active or as now speak, passional natures. Here fear of defeat comes not from shyness (such children often are recklessly brave) at all, and from unreasonable arrogance, mad, but not just hypertrophied vanity. At teenage age it can develop into hyper demonstrativeness and be shown in the form of hooligan tricks, up to penal.to the Arrogant man it is necessary not only to provide to
the field for self-affirmation, but also to give the chance to become on it the real, successful leader. However and it is not enough. It is impossible to forget about its passionate, active nature. What does it mean? And the fact that such children often do not accept leadership in that field which adult seems prestigious and desired. To be the first in a fine art studio or at music school and even to win at big tennis competitions - it for them a little. Ideally they have to or be in the lead in some business interfaced to risk (we will assume, to be the first in sections of karate, motorcycle racers, in climbing club, etc.) or to organize something special. The passionarity of similar persons should be considered and when time of choice of profession approaches. But, we repeat, it is important to parents not to go too far neither in that, nor in other party: it is dangerous to squeeze the leader in a framework, too close for it, though it is not less dangerous to impose a role of the leader to the child who not especially applies for it.Telling
about leadership, we want to touch a little and on the issue arising in a family where there are several children. It would seem, for them the most favored nation treatment is created. Concede to them and quite often even indulge. Very many privileges and liberty which seniors got in persistent fight younger are granted just like that, “for beautiful eyes“ as they go on a beaten path. Parents feel with the second child much more surely, than with the first therefore they are nervous less, are anxious, and as a result he receives more quiet care and caress. Paradise - and only!
But life it is arranged so that it is necessary to pay for everything. And the younger child quite often pays for the privilege to be a spoiled child of a family in the fact that he develops feeling of own inferiority. To four - five years when children have distinctly expressed need for self-affirmation, they often do not want to receive everything “on a silver platter“ any more. “I am!“ - the kid declares and it is very happy if he manages to show the dexterity, force, an ingenuity. But here suddenly it becomes clear that the elder brother or the sister all this are able long ago and do not just well, and skillfully. In families where the spirit of jealousy reigns, this moment often happens critical. Having got used that the senior concedes to it, younger very painfully experiences the not skill. The senior feels revenged and triumphs. Here it, long-awaited award!“ You are a little one, - the senior contemptuously declares. - Only also you are able what to peep and peach“. - “When I will be ten years old too, - tries to console itself younger, - I will show you!“ - “Ha! To you will be ten, and me fifteen! You will show nothing to me! I will always be more senior than you and am stronger“. Further development of a plot can quite be foreseen.
Even when the relations between brothers and sisters develop safely, fight for leadership is not excluded. And the main task of parents not in that, like the referee on a ring to separate rivals when they, having become angry, begin to thresh each other already without any rules, and in helping each of children to find “an ecological niche“ in which their natural inclinations in the best way will reveal. It is desirable that these niches were absolutely various. Then the idea of rivalry loses sense.
It is valid: how, say, to resolve an issue who is better - the athlete or the musician? Very often it is necessary to hear:“ Here you speak: To Give the platform for self-affirmation . And in what he can be a leader? It yet small, it has to anything no special tendencies“. Such parents transfer the ideas of leadership to children, having at all forgotten that at children and at adults as now it is accepted to be expressed, “different priorities“. And the trifling episode to which the adult even will not pay attention can be recorded in memory of the child as a big, important victory. Or, on the contrary, defeat. Let`s tell, the kid put on a shirt and buttoned it on all buttons. Nonsense? For the adult - of course. And for the peanut who still got on yesterday a shirt inside out or head over heels (about buttons it is better not to remember at all), this great achievement. Earlier it surely removed at daybreak to a bed to mother with the father, and here is suddenly so tired that all night long overslept in the bed. Hero? Such heroism also did not dream his many peers. Who always flies like an arrow to doors to meet beloved mother? Well, of course, the most bright, most swift-footed kid. Others only rise from a chair yes from a sofa, and he already fingers the lock (which did not learn to open yet) and victoriously shouts: “I am the first!“ There is a lot of similar victories at each child, it is necessary only to learn to see them and to appreciate.the Same can be told
also about abilities of preschool children and younger school students. It is not necessary to wait until the child proves in section or a circle until he has pronounced interests and tendencies. What already is, quite enough, “to appoint“ him in something the leader. The boy has a lively, nimble mind? Let will be the most resourceful and bright. He, on the contrary, a few slowcoach, long tries onsya before beginning some business? Well, then adopt proverbs: “Being in a hurry one can make people laugh“ and “Measure seven times - cut off one“. Let this child will be the most detailed, reasonable. One your daughter shy, and another courageous and in general daredevil? You do not carry out comparison by the principle “who more brave“. Allocate an impressionability in the first girl better, tell that it is thin nature, future writer, the artist or the actress, and you praise the second for originality of ideas, for the fact that with it you will not miss and you will not be gone. With such it is good to go hiking, she, probably, will become the great traveler, will go to Africa, will study life of wild animals. And then it is possible to read Darrell or Seton`s girls - Thompson and to tell that sometime they will combine the efforts and too will write the fine book about animals. We think, the principle is clear.