First month of the house: adaptation of the adopted child
the Judgment entered into force, and time to take away the kid home here came. What will be your first day of the house? First weeks, months? For certain it is difficult to tell - all children who lost a family, different. However there are some types of behavior of the children finding the second family. Let`s talk about kids till four years as they are adopted most often and take under guardianship.Newborn houses
our system is arranged to
so that to two - three-months age of children in a family it is possible to arrange seldom.
Thus, you on hands have a baby which cannot tell that it disturbs him. Most likely, he did not learn heat of maternal hands as it was left one at once after the birth. Biological mother left it in maternity hospital, having agreed to adoption. What occurs in soul at this kid and his adoptive mother?If you read to
literature on childbirth or you already have children, you for certain know how the first hours, days, weeks of life mean to the little man much. Is normal of the long-awaited kid put to a breast in several hours after the birth, embrace him, are glad to it. The kid is “subconsciously“ ready to it, in the course of childbirth at mother and at the baby hormones which help them to feel mutual love and affection are produced. The first contact by eyes after the delivery, the first feeding - all this creates that base on which the maternal instinct is under construction.
Certainly, the person - not an animal. And not all animals reject the kid from someone else`s posterity, not all cubs reject a female who is not their biological mother. And surprising ability - to love is peculiar to the person at all. To love at all not for what the child “svoyerozhdenny“, and to love - to give the to warmly small defenseless being. And nevertheless, without peculiar “hormonal support“ to both mother, and the kid it can be at first difficult.the Kid already managed to acquire
that in this world nobody waits for it. Imagine what it had to pass through: indifference of adults, absence someone, for whom it one and only, continuous movements, perhaps, physical sufferings from - for wrong leaving. Everything that is felt by the kid in such situation, is pain and fear. It can show differently: one kids cry too much, others show unhealthy apathy, that is do not cry when the “family“ child would begin to draw attention to himself with crying, knowing that the careful adult responds to this signal.
the General for all kids - inadequate reaction to usual communication: children seldom calm down on hands, can be frightened embraces, not take out strokings. They do not look in the face, at them very poor mimicry without attempt to smile. There is no habit to the so-called “the turned speech“: when the kid something is told, he faces speaking, understands that address it, and smiles. Kids just did not get used that it happens in their life. They slowed down touch development as they were practically not taken on handles, did not kiss - as a result they react to any physical contact either irritation, or indifference.
in principle, the most part of these things begins to disappear already at that time while you communicate with the kid in Children`s home. However the part of these symptoms should remain with it for some time.
of Feeling of mother
As a matter of fact, does not have a big difference meanwhile, the kid shouts or it is suppressed. The reason same - a deprivation, that is separation from mother. In this situation from you the patience is required.
do not argue on the subject “the child does not accept me“. Remember that responsibility that the child will become the member of your family entirely lies on you - you decided that it will be so. The kid just suffers, is not able to be someone`s, he needs time.
do not wait from yourself for too much. Even those who gave birth to own child despite all hormonal support and other, test irritation and despair when the child cries. Biological mother also worries, feels fatigue, painfully treats that appearance of the kid strongly changed a way of life, imposed considerable restrictions for opportunities to spend time as will like, etc. You should not worry that you bad mother, are not ready, you will not give to the child of the fact that it is necessary for him. Give yourself time and you do not judge yourself too strictly.do not wait for
too much from the child. The child cannot understand what happened to him. Any time you for it will differ in nothing from numerous nurses and doctors through whose hands he happened to pass. He just does not understand what is “mother“ because it never had her, with the troubles it was in private, nobody loved it and was sorry. Over time, when it will save up experience, he will understand a lot of things and will feel. To someone for this purpose there is enough week, to someone - several months.
the Separate subject - aggression of adoptive parents in relation to the kid. Those who passed through a reception roditelstvo, however the fact remains do not like to speak about it: practically all experienced strong aggression in relation to the child. Sometimes could not restrain and slap the kid when he cries. Yes, it does not match at all that kind image of the adoptive father which soars in our dreams: noble, strong, rescuing the child from an orphanhood, giving it love. However being frightened, hating itself in such situations, you do not resolve a problem. You remember: most likely, your feelings are absolutely normal, and actions - are not good, but are quite explainable. The child is adopted, you have no help of “hormonal love“ which protects it truly an intolerable being as the small shouting lump, from quite natural irritation. The Svoyerozhdenny child and that can bring parents to white heat, and here such situation. Yes, it is necessary you hardly, however over time it will pass. If there is opportunity, address the thematic psychologist to talk about this problem - nobody will condemn you, your situation is typical. If there is no such opportunity, just remember: through it there passed many adoptive parents. Do not accuse yourself of all mortal sins - just try to give yourself as much as possible rest, as much as possible remove the causes which lead to a stress, allow people around to help you, to sit with the child and t. items
About three years
Kids more age of reason if they were left in the genitive house, already noticeably lag behind peers in respect of touch and intellectual development. It is impossible to say that they are not adapted to life, they are simply adapted by that Wednesday in which lived, and this Wednesday did not demand from them either activity, or ability to communicate, or inquisitive mind. Here the most widespread lines of “domrebenkovsky“ children which distinguish them from family.
Lack of initiative. There are not enough child everything, do not try to investigate the world. The majority of them look slowed down and passive: where will put, there and will sit, etc. Purposefully it is not necessary to fight against it: when the baby feels in safety, he will begin to be interested in world around.
Inability to face. We are instinctively irritated when people do not look to us in the face, however for the orphan such behavior - norm. The matter is that eyes is a portal of sincerity, through a look we exchange feelings. The child did not get used to open communication, it needs time. Do not show discontent, do not insist, address the child just more often, looking to it in a face. At first at distance, then reduce a distance.
Children do not understand that is pleasant to them or it is not pleasant. They on a face of adults already learned to read out, than the adult is happy, and are afraid to make angry him. Therefore at first will seem to you that to the child all the same that you do, than you try to interest it, he will equally smile to you. It will be frequent a strained smile through fear. Over time the child will learn to show also the will when he understands that you are ready to accept it.Samonakazaniye`s
. You can be shocked if after your remark the child spanks himself, will hit on a face, etc. Unfortunately, it happens if the child was punished. Be not frightened and be not indignant - ignore. If you do not punish the child physically, over time at him it will pass.
Inability to refuse. The child will be pathologically obedient - he is afraid of you, does not know what to expect. He will eat unpleasant to him or excess food - at him a reflex to open a mouth when to it bring a spoon, etc.
Gluttony. Will seem to you that the child underate as he will eat everything in large quantities. Actually children in children`s homes eat rather not bad. The matter is that the child obeys you: you offer, he is afraid to refuse. Or he just got used to eat, so far there is a food, - in children`s home he saw food only during meal, any vases with fruit, bread on a table in the rest of the time does not happen there. Perhaps, it so shows initiative: when the adult gets to hotel “all inclusive“, he wants to naprobovatsya everything too, and some and to gorge on for emergency. You watch that the child did not overeat, otherwise he can badly feel, especially taking into account that food unusual.
Refusal of food. Some children behave exactly the opposite - refuse to eat. Do not worry, the kid has a stress. In a new situation moreover and unfamiliar food. Palm off small pieces that it could satisfy hunger if he refuses flatly to eat properly. It will pass.
Loss from contact. Many children who had to transfer long hospitalization or if they contained in unsuccessful children`s home, get so-called “gospitalizm“. Symptoms of this phenomenon resemble children`s autism: the child drops out of communication, does not face, at a stress plunges into himself and makes the monotonous movements, can mutter. It is peculiar to children who are by nature impressionable, possess excitable nervous system. In normal conditions they would be open and active. Over time and will be. If you noticed obvious progress during meetings with the child, so you on the right track, and symptoms will pass over time.
your task to understand: the child has a stress in a new situation. Not only that it got on unfamiliar Wednesday, so still it has not enough experience of change of places, he got used to the rigid mode, actually all his life proceeded within several rooms in children`s home and platforms on which its group went out for a walk. Present that you were placed in the country with absolutely other culture and obscure language... On average it is required to the reception kid from two weeks to one month to accustom.
Questions of education
Quite often adoptive parents want to give to the kid all that love by which it was deprived all these months or years. However you should not confuse love and permissiveness, allowing the child to stand on the head and to behave as to him will like. Having got to a new situation, the child will monitor your reaction to each his action and thus will find out whether correctly he behaves.to
Most of children will be similar to a pendulum: obedient - obedient, unauthorized and even a little aggressive. All this is manifestation of adaptation to new living conditions. One children become intolerable in a week, at many the first month proceeds smoothly, and revolt begins then, some kids suffer at once on arrival home, and then calm down. Anyway, it is worth setting the correct tone for your relations initially: if it is not pleasant to you when children run and shout, do to the child the remark at once, without discount that he took out many sufferings.
Many adoptive parents note that children do not react to bans which are stated by quiet tone. Yes, most of kids got used that they are straightened out a sharp, loud hail. Gradually accustom the child to quiet communication: you speak “no“ quietly looking in a face before sharply straightening out, several times repeat it “is impossible“ by an equal voice.
Remember that the child did not get used to “exclusive“ communication, but got used to do as all. Show it more on a personal example what you would like to achieve.
the Separate problem - “the - others“. In the conditions of Children`s home the kid had no property, even clothes it put on that which will come to hand: today a hat on it, tomorrow it on his neighbor in group. Therefore the kid will not understand still long time why it is impossible to take any things. Just patiently and repeatedly repeat it “is impossible“, softly discharge the baby.
These kids can seem fearless as they as soon as there passes the first stress, will begin to climb everywhere and all to be enough. All the matter is that they have no experience of the address with dangerous objects and situations. The Children`s home protected them from everything that can be anyway connected with injuries. It is necessary to show special vigilance and to be ready to the fact that at first the kid will fill cones here, there.
Through some time the kid will begin to require attention not only from you, but also from all passers cross. When he understands that to the world to it there is a business, it can begin to be enough all people around, to all to go on handles. It does not mean that to it to spit on you or that he loves all. Just it as the hungry person who seized upon food: tries to gorge on for the future. It should be worried too.
It is possible, some time he will prefer any stranger who smiled to it and will be ready to leave you with foreign uncle. Its habit to obey all adults, with another - pleasure is so shown, on the one hand, that pay attention to it. Be vigilant in public places - these children can easily be lost, any adult can easily carry away them.
Separate problem: dream question. Some time habits of the kid to be shaken before going to bed, to pull themselves hair, to oddly suck a hand can shock you. Do not interfere with process - let fills up as got used. At first to most of children badly if you try to rock to sleep them or it is even simple to sit next - they cannot relax at your presence. Ideally the kid needs to fall asleep in the nursery, laying down along with your child if he is. If is not present - let fills up one by the light of a night lamp. Observe how to it is quieter: if you remain in the room and will knit, say, or if you leave and will leave its one is individually.
of Many parents which have no opportunity constantly to consult with the psychologist, the question concerns: whether correctly there is an adaptation whether they make any fatal mistakes. Remember that the most terrible already behind. Your kid and to you should learn to live in one house, to be a family. The first months will be difficult for all family, but then everything will be adjusted.
the Most strong indications of successful adaptation are as follows:to
- the child had more live mimicry;
- the kid shows interest in world around, he actively is enough objects, studies them sensorno;
- the child in a stressful situation clings to you, hides for you;
- the child shows the will, refuses something;
- the child has a favourite and unloved food, toys, occupations; the child begins to look
- to you in the face, the first embraces you, looks or points to you if it is asked “where mother?“
- the child looks back at you, looks around at you if he leaves you on the platform, etc.;
- the child rejects actions of adults unpleasant to it: pushes away the doctor, does not go to strangers on the street, etc.;
- the child reacts to your words, bans told by a quiet voice.
changes happen quickly enough, however not always they are obvious to mother - the kid all day in the eyes and always involuntarily compare it to age-mates - house children. And always you understand: to us still to work and work... Do not hesitate to accept compliments of friends who see the kid not often - they will notice how reveals, gets stronger, your child as adaptations grows the period “the making up missed“ - too heavy, but very joyful will succeed.