Daughters are mothers: who whom?
“Do not happen such wide kitchen in which to two women it would not be close“. The rare family can disprove this saying. If under the same roof there live several generations, then almost inevitably between relatives there are disagreements on the most, apparently, trifling household questions.
the Warm and confidential friendship of the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law meets infrequently. And happens, as the mother`s relations with the matured daughter are painted by acute contradictions. Half-troubles if business concerns cookery or clothes. The original problem arises with emergence in a family of the third generation. It is hard for young mother to find a common language concerning education not only with the mother-in-law, but also with own mother. Continuous disagreement, discontent with each other sadden life of a family and not in the best way affect development of the child. In what the reason of this quite widespread phenomenon? Whether it is inevitable? Whether it is possible to prevent it, to eliminate or to soften at least?
About disagreements of generations was told and written much. Throughout all history of mankind seniors complained that young people to them are insufficiently respectful, refuse to follow good old traditions and examples of behavior. Early examples of these complaints are recorded still by Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs and a Phoenician cuneiform writing. But if each new generation was valid worse previous, then the human race would come to naught long ago. Fortunately, occurs absolutely opposite, and occurs in many respects thanks to the fact that the youth in all centuries seeks to rethink experience of seniors and to surpass their achievements. However, in process of accumulation own experience each generation becomes more conservative and is lost before youthful passion of the following. Such is the immutable law of relationship of generations, and it with enviable constancy is embodied almost in each family. So a difference of opinion - business quite natural and explainable.
the Psychological source of many contradictions - parental conservatism. It is shown that, having accepted the leading parental role once, it is difficult for woman to make to her execution subsequently those necessary amendments which are dictated by the child`s growing. The child is born absolutely helpless, and any smallest detail of his activity depends on maternal care. Mother understands that her role - defining in the child`s life, and with this consciousness lives long next years though the child grew up from a cradle for a long time. For mother its to ten - twenty - the thirty-year-old daughter continues to remain a child. And the child by definition is less skilled, ripened less, is more subject to mistakes and delusions.
However is not subject to doubt that 20 - 25 - the summer woman is the already quite created personality having sufficient everyday knowledge and installations. The subsequent accumulation of so-called life experience can expand a circle of useful skills, but will not affect essentially structure of the personality any more. Moreover, life experience at mature age is perceived through a prism of already developed representations and addictions, and therefore only strengthens and enriches what developed earlier. That is and twenty - and fifty-year-old women are objectively equal in the judgments and acts. Unfortunately, in each concrete everyday situation about objectivity there is also no speech because senior feels “in the bigger right“.Some psychologists even consider
: business is aggravated also with the fact that any mother unconsciously opposes to recognize the daughter`s growing because then with inevitability it is necessary to recognize also own female withering, especially obvious against the blossoming daughter`s the youth.
In the relations with the mother-in-law other mechanism works. It is noticed: any woman wishes the daughter of the best husband, than its own, and is sure that the son will never have such good wife, as at his father. Each mother at heart believes what her love to the son - that standard which it is impossible not only to surpass, but also to repeat. Her consciousness refuses to recognize that the love to the son from his darling - absolutely other and does not need a soizmereniye with a standard. And therefore the daughter-in-law in most cases remains is very vulnerable for criticism.should reckon as
With these psychological mechanisms. And to both that and other generation. It is useful to woman, whose daughter herself becomes a mother to look at this situation from outside and to honestly recognize that the daughter - quite independent and defined person, but not the little girl demanding edification and the management. It is useful to mother-in-law to remind sometimes himself that the competition to the daughter-in-law - occupation senseless: at everyone the role, is also no need to oppose them.to the Young woman should remember
that never completely to eradicate commitment of a parental role at seniors. And therefore it is not necessary to give a hostile reception to any attempt of edification and the management. Independence can be won not verbal fights and foolish acts to spite but only practical and constructive actions which will confirm with the result your correctness.
Of course, it is very hard to defend personal independence, when there is no an opportunity to overcome other dependence. If material welfare of a young family depends, mainly, on parents, or not to do without active participation of grandmothers in care of the child then - it is necessary to reckon as bondage as will with installations of seniors. Here some psychological dependence acts as the annex to dependence, so to speak, physical. If there is no opportunity to eliminate one, then also another is hardly removable. With such situation it is necessary only to be reconciled. Only the one who is capable to solve all the problems has the right to apply for full independence.
Anyway relationship should be built, proceeding from the simple principle: nobody is faultless, anybody`s judgments are not the ultimate truth, so - nobody has the right to force another, to rigidly impose the understanding to life. Adults should reckon with the right of each other for own opinion, behavior, vision of the world at least. The relationship of generations can be productive and psychologically comfortable only in form of cooperation which provides, at least, mutual respect. If “the confused little girl“ or “the foolish old woman“ about any cooperation out of the question acts as the partner.But also at the respect nobody is insured by
from contradictions. Trouble, if these contradictions turn into the conflicts. Arguing the point of view concerning education of the son or the daughter (the grandson or the granddaughter), we will ask a question: for the sake of what it becomes? Whether approving the advantage, to assert the authority or the right for independence, not to drop advantage? Often the child acts not so much as object, how many a dispute occasion. If to take interests of the child, but not an ambition of adults for a reference point, then many problems are removed by itself. Of course, mother and the grandmother can unequally understand the child`s benefit, but if to discuss this question “in pure form“, then it is easier to reach agreement. >
it is inadmissible to p to involve the child In this discussion, even as the witness. Children very much early begin to feel contradictions of adults. On the one hand, it will painfully wound them. Close favourite people object each other, and need to accept somebody`s part to the detriment of another for the kid is painful. On the other hand, the child can acquire rules of double diplomacy since small years and join in dialogue of generations in the interests. Playing on contradictions of seniors, it is easy to benefit from this. In the moral plan such lesson is fraught with very unpleasant consequences.
the Law unambiguously treats this problem. Responsibility for the juvenile child entirely lies on his parents, and they possess a priority in education. Other relatives, even the next - grandmothers and grandfathers - can help in this case, but at all not replace parents (except for exceptional tragic cases). Probably it is also necessary to proceed from this presumption of responsibility in solutions of everyday problems of education. But at the same time it is important to remember also that the attitude of children towards parents with surprising constancy is reproduced from generation to generation. Wishing to deserve respect of children, we will not forget, as we are children of the parents, and we will try to be good children. Who does not want to be derided, rejected and humiliated after years by the children, should not do it. Not without reason say that an example - the most convincing pedagogical reception. And how many years was to the person, it took place as the tutor if managed to teach younger a good example.