Soft Wins Against Firm. the Ancient Chinese proverb
Is considered to be that it is easier to bring up girls, than boys. Say, boys naughty, and are much quieter than the girl. And it is simpler to mothers to understand them - all - female psychology... But on closer examination, as it often happens, it turns out that similar views are wrong.
When you think of education seriously, it becomes clear that else it is unknown for whose parents it is easier: boys or girls. The 20th century opened unprecedented opportunities before women, however at the same time assigned to them burden of huge responsibility. Having acquired the rights, equal with men, women could study, work, politicize, independently decide the destiny. And everything, apparently, went perfectly and only the family suddenly cracked on seams. Time at women began to be enough for anything, only not for children and the husband. Change of a way of life and psychology led to divorces which distorted children`s destinies. Growing, children copied acts of parents, and, thus, one generation behind another was involved in a vicious circle... Statistically, now from three families at us breaks up two, and to it not to see the end. I more than once had to face that the psychology of single mother is hardly got rid in several generations. For example, the great-grandmother divorced and brought up the daughter one. That, in turn, too could not get on with the husband and passed on this bitter experience of the daughter. The daughter again - did not learn due lessons therefore there was one with the baby on hands from the incident. And now the grown-up baby toils with the daughter, complaining of her behavior, but at the same time cultivating in her traits of character which almost for hundred percent will make it in the future incapable to get on with the husband. Negative stereotypes of behavior with an opposite sex are so already implanted in this family that it is extremely difficult to overcome them. This burden of heredity: in each generation it becomes heavier and heavier.
It is interesting that around the world the majority of stains is made at the initiative of women. Why? It does not seem to you it is strange? Women traditionally acted in the millennia in an opposite role - as keepers of the family center! Means, there were some drama changes in female psychology and character. And the building of a family began to fall, burying under ruins of all: both men, and children, and, of course, women.
Here also turns out that to bring up the girl presently - a difficult task. What to aim it at: on creation of a family or on career? What to encourage and what lines to try to muffle? To inspire one business since the childhood in the child that the main thing is an activity and independence. And absolutely another - to cultivate softness, compliance, compassion, that is the qualities facilitating family life but incompatible with ideas of leadership. The choice, naturally, for parents. Another thing is that not always at us it turns out as we want. As they say, man proposes, God disposes. But it seems to me, the choice has to be conscious. And for this purpose it is necessary to imagine distinctly results of education, that number and rather remote.
Main - family happiness. The rest will be put
Very many adults who learned by own experience what is necessary children at whom mother “is married“ to the job, consider that girls should be focused, first of all, on creation of a strong family. And the rest will be put. Probably, it will seem to someone strange.“ Nothing is put to anything, - he will tell. - If to regard a family as of paramount importance, it is necessary to forget about work. Either family, or career. So does not happen that the person directed the efforts to one, and another turned out by itself“. But, strangely enough, in the matter this iron logic pretty often glitches. Though if to reflect that here it strange? At women with unfortunate destiny character is often distorted. Fact? Fact. Many become embittered, become sensitive, irritable, ambitious, is vindictive - petty. It, naturally, not in the best way affects their relations with colleagues, so, and career. The conflict person makes enemies, colleagues strive to get rid of him...
A if, let us assume, the woman has constantly scandals in a family? If children got out of hand? How many mother drove from herself burdensome, disturbing thoughts, they will not get to anywhere and will prevent all the same it to concentrate at work. Yes, sometimes we are dipped into work with the head, seeking to be forgotten. But then work becomes a peculiar drug. And any drug addiction does not bring to good.
As often today women dream of career, at heart being annoyed with the fact that they should spend time for education of the been born child! But happen to it something - and it appears, nothing is lovely. If only the child was live and healthy. Once I heard the story of mother:“ In total Valino the childhood I drove about on business trips. I so liked the geologist`s profession! I dreamed to become doctor of science, designated me the brilliant future. The son remained with my parents. He missed, cried, asked: Mother, do not leave! Then grew up and, it seems, got used. And then, in thirteen years, suddenly became some stranger, became isolated, began to clash with children, with teachers. I began to worry, tried to stay more at home, even left work to be engaged in the child. But was late. Now it is absent (the boy finished himself - a bus) and I understand that I need neither the thesis, nor management of department, nor trips abroad“.
How many mothers recognize themselves in this sad confession of the unfamiliar woman who approached me once after my performance in some club or in library?! Of course, not all stories come to an end so tragically, but their general sense remains invariable: building career to the detriment of education of children, the woman as a result loses in both fields.
about minuses of “sexless pedagogics“
Change of traditional roles and behavior models is always fraught with negative consequences. Though sometimes it happens obvious not at once. In recent years not only at us, but also in other countries voices in protection of separate training of boys and girls are even more often distributed. In one English county put experiment recently, and it turned out that progress at schools with separate training is higher than where boys and girls study together. Strange? At all! The matter is that physiologically and psychologically boys for several years lag behind girls. Therefore when they study together, at boys the complex of “not success“ develops. At elementary and high school they and growth below girls, and are physically often weaker, and are less accurate. In notebooks at them dirt, handwriting is worse, estimates, respectively, too... All this as you understand, does not stimulate desire to study at most of boys... When boys are not put in obviously losing position, they feel safe and show much the best results. On the other hand, girls, usually before boys beginning to be interested in floor questions, do not distract at separate training at lessons, do not make eyes, are not transferred by notes...
Recently I visited the Moscow kindergarten where too try to bring up boys and girls separately. Occupations and walks at them joint, and here other kindergarten life: the food, a dream, games - passes separately. I visited there and thought: “It is necessary! How many in recent years it was necessary to hear about an inaccuracy sexless pedagogics (that which does not consider sexual distinctions) and about need of sex education of children. And here it here, at us near by! Normal, without obscenities, without declassification of subjects which traditionally are considered at us serious, without cynical peeping at a keyhole...“ With children in this kindergarten do not exaggerate the subject “from where I undertook“, and present them examples of reference man`s and female behavior just every day. Boys learn to be courageous, hardy, gallant in relation to little young ladies.
we will talk About girls in more detail. When you get on their half, E. Zola`s novel “Ladies` happiness“ is remembered. What there is only not present! A drawing room with tiny upholstered furniture and skillfully drawn fireplace. Pass - cafe with umbrellas and vases for the ice cream made of snow-white cotton wool. A holiday table with a set of the dishes which were made of dough and painted with paints. Dolls with carriages and a lot of orders. The real petticoat government, in which each girl - the little princess. It also keeps respectively. Such easy - the direct bearing happens unless at ballerinas: plasticity strikes with feminity, and a figure - grace.
First many girls, having for the first time come to a garden, the behavior reminded boys. Especially what had elder brothers. And at other babies of a manner did not differ in grace, in a garden there are a lot of children from dysfunctional families where roughness and aggression - norm of life. But it became soon noticeable how here girls began to change quickly. And without special pressing from adults. Just in this cozy and very noble situation it was boorishly unnatural to behave on. And children sensitively catch falseness.
Coming to a maiden half on a visit, boys obviously petrify from abundance of “bagatelles“ and with relief come back to the half, to habitually man`s surroundings - to sabers, fire helmets, tell-tales. But at the same time they have no temptation to destroy girlish paradise. Though generally do not feed boys with bread - let`s break only to little girls game to show the superiority over crybabies and informers. It is their way to be approved, show who “samy“. And while the kindergarten was usual, madcaps, naturally, did not miss an opportunity to do much harm to little girls. Now, when there is nothing to divide, they not only do not offend girls, but also with pleasure pass them forward, concede the best places, etc.
In my opinion, the main problem of education of present girls is an education of feminity., It seems, nonsense. Why to bring up what is put by the nature? However there was a paradoxical thing: in fight for equality of the woman won a victory, but as a result passed to play on a foreign field, and gave in, lost female softness, purity and naive favor which so touches strong men.
Modern style - energetic, aggressive, impudent. Girls - teenagers try not to lag behind guys: use foul language, engaged in karate and at - shu, smoke, drink, “change partners“, even more often enter gangs. For many it seems not prestigious to be womanly - it is perceived as weakness manifestation. In honor of the girlfriend Hee - Meng, capable to lay the opponent on both shovels. It is, however, difficult to present them gentle, careful mothers, but it and is not necessary for them, they “not in this respect“.
A on toys. Unless earlier to girls suggested to play the kulturistka covered by the most different weapon? To be fair I will notice that charming dolls with porcelain faces too, of course, are on counters. But, in - the first, they not all on a pocket, and in - the second, it is yesterday, retro style.
I do not tell
Ya about books. Actually, and twenty years ago at us was a little specifically maiden literature (here it, “sexless pedagogics“!) : “Dinka“ read to holes of Aseeva, some stories of Lev Kassil, the short story Alexander Green, very popular in 1970 - 80 - e. “Girls, the book for you“... Now for girls and that it is less books. Old not everyone is republished, and new is, generally detectives and adventures for boys and about boys. Even “Alice“ Kira Bulycheva, on my supervision, is pleasant to read to boys more! (Well, it fantastic adventures!) We fairly abuse the Latin American TV series, but we do not offer girls of qualitative samples of romantic film history. The same can be told also about popular among girls now - teenagers the boulevard trashy books which are urgently translated from English or hastily cooked up by domestic authors.
Not only that they spoil the literary taste which is already not developed at modern children. Besides - and it is the main danger! - absorbing a similar literary cooking, girls napityvatsya by absolutely unnecessary knowledge at their age, study “seduction art“, acquire views and mental sets which, as a rule, do not bring to good. In these books sex and romanticism are very often connected. Using that girls - teenagers, as well as hundred years ago, dream of love, authors make dexterous substitution: instead of love Platonic, sublime, aim young readers absolutely at another - on what with extreme frankness is expressed in teenage magazines in type headings: “Really you in thirteen years still the virgin?“ In books it can be retouched, but the essence remains invariable.
the Majority of modern fiction for girls - teenagers inflames with
sensuality, puts some idea about admissibility and even desirability of the bed relations at teenage age and presents as a standard the image of the energetic, self-confident, impatient heroine who does not hesitate to be imposed to guys (at it it is called “to try to obtain the“), often behaves as the finished prostitute, above all puts own pleasure, and therefore, naturally, breaks “outdated“ moral standards, including their silly, dense prejudices. One of the main qualities of such maiden - the cleared-up willfulness called “thirst of freedom“. Parents, of course, “do not understand“ it, “disturb“, “press“. At the same time everything is described so that to cause in girls sympathy for the heroine and admiration of it. It is drawn clever, courageous, independent, successful. At the end of the book it is waited, as a rule, by good luck. And the seduced girls - teenagers begin to imitate favourite characters, without thinking that get to a trap. An away match - a dangerous occupation. Refusing natural female qualities: modesty, softness, care, ability to suffer and feel pity, girls, that without suspecting, cut the nature and impart to themselves properties another. No, not man`s. It is it is all the same impossible. How many the antelope painted to herself strips on a back, it from it will not turn into a tiger. And here a laughing-stock in an animal kingdom can become.
And with the “advanced“ girls - teenagers. First it seems to them that they found freedom and independence that the whole world lies at their legs, all are ready to look after them, all is crazy about them. But very quickly it becomes clear that guys look at them as on a thing, object of consumption. And the thing, especially in the society founded on consumer psychology is appreciated only while it is new. Used - and threw. Why to protect when for kopeks, and even for nothing, it is possible to take another?
As soon as the maiden freshness passes
(and now, it happens to distribution of pedophilia very quickly: for example, for admirers of Lolit 18 - 19 - the summer girl - already “old woman“) “, the object“ becomes uninteresting. And it is logical. Why, actually, has to be in a different way? In a consumer society of a thing are interchangeable. And feelings, experiences... Even it is ridiculous. What feelings at a thing?
Therefore to parents who seriously think of the future of daughters I would advise to pay to
special attention to romantic education of girls. Be not afraid that it will conflict to life which, of course, is more rigid, than in Sh. Bronte`s novels. (Though it is not through cynical as try to inspire in us the mass media “yellow“ pages). The romanticism wonderfully tempers soul. Especially as it corresponds to the most female nature. Be not limited to literature - naturally, its classical, qualitative samples. Tell girls about your relatives and acquaintances whom you consider worthy an imagetsy for imitation. Remember our and foreign history. In it there are a lot of examples of female kindness, purity, dedication, mercy. Put the girl more often in a situation when she needs to take care of someone. And, of course, note it as big advantage! Recognition of merits - huge incentive for the child, but many parents, unfortunately, still neglect it. Do not encourage interest of girls - teenagers to cosmetics. Now some mothers, having had heard plenty of councils how it is important since childhood to accustom girls to be painted and look after skin (say, in it and feminity education consists), buy 10 - 12 - to summer daughters of “children`s“ lipstick or “children`s“ eye shadow. Why it is persistently propagandized by firms - producers of cosmetics, it is clear: for them, the more buyers, the better. And that is why parents are bought on these cheap tricks, it is hard to understand. In perception of girls the use of cosmetics - very important step on the way to adulthood. And encouraging such steps, mothers involuntarily push daughters to all the rest that is accompanied by modern teenage concepts about a maturity. It in five years the girl will ask to paint to herself nogotochka, “as at mother“, and will go to play in “daughters there are mothers“. And in twelve the made-up girls go absolutely to other places and play other, not so innocent games.
Soft wins against
“And all - - you ask, - why one girls - little princesses and others - little she-robbers ? Really matter only in education?“ Is not present, of course. A lot of things depend on characterologic features of the child, on his temperament.“ Hyperactive children or demonstrative girls who like to draw attention to themselves even if negative are little she-robbers“ often. And happens that the child has an adventurous warehouse of character. Besides, a lot of things depend on examples which are set by adults. The girls growing in families where there are elder brothers it is frequent (though not always), imitate boys. In each case it is necessary to understand the reason of “predatory“ tricks of the daughter and to think how to adjust it on something positive. Agree that between “gangster“ and the inveterate lover of campaigns - a big difference.
It is remarkable that in that kindergarten about which I told (where to boys the approach, and to girls - the), even “inveterate little she-robbers“ gradually become more tenderly and more obediently. “Soft wins firm“, - the ancient Chinese proverb says. And this ancient expression seems to me wise today.