If mother is more successful fathers, or the Loser by inheritance than
of Kiryushin mother coped with new life easily. She in general loved all new and was easy on rise. Therefore when reorganization began, it could not master a new profession of the manager. And in one and a half years Marina already had an own firm. At first tiny, then quite decent. To sharks of business by it, of course, it was far, but in comparison with most of the acquaintances she succeeded.
the Father could not fit into this reality in any way. Could not and did not want. He did not like to fuss at all and preferred to limit the requirements. Though in the fact that it was interesting to it was engaged willingly, forgetting about everything on light. But, unfortunately, neither amateur game on the organol, nor reading clever books, nor work in design office brought in incomes to a family.
the Wife, of course, showed discontent. Not because they lacked money! No, she earned enough. But it was offensive for it. As ill luck would have it, husbands of girlfriends were energetic, initiative, quick, and her Gena - some mattress. Even an unfortunate nail - and that without swing cannot hammer! Though at institute (they were classmates) Gena was considered as the perspective student, and when she married it, many envied her.
From divorce it was held only by Kiryusha. It was very attached to the father and time to look after the son at Marina, frankly speaking, was not. However the irritation, naturally, broke, and in Marin`s quick temper called the husband the loser more than once. Kiryusha, of course, heard these unflattering statements, but to Marin it did not confuse. “Let knows the truth, - she considered, - and does not repeat destiny of the father!“
But everything turned out on the contrary. Instead of studying on fatherly mistakes, Kiryusha copied his behavior. To the fifth class he already finally moved down on the three (though to the boy was not to occupy abilities), refused to go to circles, gave in to difficulties, communicated with peers a little, did not love sports, preferring to lie down on a sofa with the book. Moreover in parental conflicts - which became frequent every year - took the part of the father more and more resolutely! Character at the boy was corrupted in the eyes. With strangers it was too clamped and made impression of hammered. To a marine frankly was rude and did in defiance. As though for something revenged. But for what? She did not understand.
However really Marina began to worry, having only found Kiryusha in the company of addicts. However, and then she accused the father of everything: say, did not follow, even on it did not fit, the blunderer! Also it was struck on the spot when the psychotherapist whom Marina asked for the help, declared that the reason of the internal conflict which brought the boy on the brink of a precipice in it - in mother. That she imposed to the child a complex of the loser.
the Described history, alas, not a rarity (though, certainly, not always business reaches drugs). Especially such stories in recent years when life began to demand from us the increased mobility, energy, initiative, ability to adapt became frequent. Many women are guided in quickly changing reality better than men and make significant progress. And there is no wonder: we by nature more flexible and adaptive.
What does it have to do with the child?
- But Marina made a claim not to the son, and to the husband, - you object. - For what reason the boy had a complex of the loser?
A here with what. Development of the child - any, in Russia, America, Africa, anywhere - is impossible without imitation. It is a basis of bases. From what at all desire not to leave anywhere. And to whom children usually imitate? First of all, naturally, to parents. And very much early, on the second year of life in behavior of kids orientation to sexual characters appears: girls seek to imitate mothers, and boys - to fathers. Girls like to dress up, are interested in mother`s cosmetics and jewelry, boys dream when they grow up, to drive the car. At first they are guided by purely external signs; then, with age, their ideas of adults become complicated. But one remains invariable: for the child parents - always an ideal.
I, depriving the son or the daughter of this ideal, we roughly break their mental development, we beat out the soil from them from - under legs. To children by the nature it is intended at preschool and younger school age (yes actually later, despite all their rebelliousness and opposition of to parents!) to equal on the father and mother.
A how to equal on the loser? Same it is silly and humiliating! All the same what voluntarily to seek for loss. You, probably, paid attention, how strongly children worry when they lose. For many it becomes nearly the tragedy.
the Choice from two evils
as a result of such “family policy“ the son appears before the dramatic choice: or to reject an image of the father, or to rise against that (more true, that) who belittles this image.
And so if the boy Kiryusha made “correct“, from the point of view of mother, conclusions, “learned the truth“ about the father and resolved “not to repeat his destiny“, hardly she would be satisfied, having seen further development of the policy. Losing fatherly influence, boys become too womanly and neurotic. Mothers are inclined to sponsor excessively them, it is mostly the only children. As a result the world around frightens such boys, they do not want to grow and charge themselves with burden of responsibility. Respectively, infantility develops in them. What, naturally, does not promote professional self-realization. For it commitment, initiative, diligence, persistence on overcoming of difficulties are necessary. Means, successful career, most likely, “does not shine“ such child.
A what the guy will have the woman`s ideal like Kiryusha? The amazon`s hybrid with a dray horse? But then mother with high probability dooms him to an unenviable fate of the henpecked, it will subconsciously reach for such women, and “taming obstinate“ to the neurotic not on forces. So failures will pursue it both at work, and in private life.
In our history Kiryusha went on the second way and rose against mother as the father was internally closer to it. The result as you remember, was deplorable too. And no wonder. The choice - that was from two evils. And it is illusion that one of the evils can be the smallest. As one clever person when the devil gives you at choice two hands told, it is better not to choose because the choice all the same devil, and nothing good from this will come out.
the Exit from a vicious circle
- But how to be? - you ask. - Marina described by you can be understood too! She wants to have “not the boy, but the husband“. The desire is quite natural. Whether there is some exit from this vicious circle? Is. However, hard. But differently also does not happen to vicious circles.
to the Wife - if she wants to remain the wife and mother - it is necessary to refuse a role of the amazon. Though this role, to tell the truth, is awfully tempting because dreams of so many women are embodied in it! Especially now, when girls nearly from the cradle are focused on receiving a profession, on “disclosure of abilities“, on progress in study, sport - is shorter, on anything, only not for a role of the wife and mother.
Of course, it is tempting to tower over men, to outdo them. It what opportunities for self-affirmation! However the legend of amazons not incidentally says that they killed not only adult men, but also the newborn sons. To men in their life there was no place. As is not present and now. At the heart of the here nothing changed, only customs not such frankly blood-thirsty now.
And having refused a role of the amazon, you will not stop being the business woman at all. Those who put an equal-sign between two of these concepts make a mistake. But to cultivate in itself sense of superiority over the husband (even if he seems to you the loser!) the right, is not necessary. It is better to rethink a situation. And for this purpose it needs to be seen in other foreshortening. For example, from the point of view of your son. Very much can be that he perceives you and your progress not absolutely so (or absolutely not so!) as you. It seems to you that, earning a lot of money, you try for the son, and he needs neither repair, nor new furniture, nor even rest in expensive resorts. All this entertainments for adults, and to the child is more important sincere contact with parents and their good relations among themselves - what will not be replaced by no Disneylands.When it you realize
, you begin to make revaluation and the achievements. You considered yourself as the successful man, and the husband a pathetic nikchemushnik? Then try to look at yours seven eyes of the son who sees mother by fits, but even these rare minutes she is usually angry and, generally is engaged in the fact that she makes a claim to him and to the father. The father is patient, careful, he has time both for games, and for walks, and for interesting talk. How to you such picture? Who here on a horse and who comes to grief? Marina who is already repeatedly mentioned by me was shocked when unexpectedly realized that she is an unlucky person too. Having taken place in business, it did not take place as the wife and mother. And it is more serious and, the main thing, nepopravimy. Examples, similar to Paul Gaugin who began career of the artist in the middle of life in forty years, it is possible to bring much, but to turn back the clock and to make last childhood of the child happier nobody managed so far.
So what do you do not hurry to paste a label of the loser to the spouse. Still, as they say, not evening. You do not hurry and be engaged in its reforging. The slogan “Become Such as I Want“ obtained from once popular song, alas, does not pass in family life. Forces you will spend much, and you will achieve only that at the husband nerves will be loosened, and it will become even heavier to live with him. How many husbands began to go about not the own business under pressing of wives in recent years and as a result became an inveterate drunkard! And how many deserted a family?Is not present
, it will be much more productive if you try to understand what your husband - such what it is, with the warehouse of character - can succeed in. And what it - besides such what it is - is capable to give to your child. And having dealt with it, it is necessary to help the husband, of course. But to help tactfully, whenever possible without advertizing the help and, especially, without reproaching him with it.does not need to be spoken to
I: “Why I have to nurse it?!“ Eventually, you will try not only for the husband. Affairs will be adjusted at it, he will begin to feel like the person - and the situation in a family will become another. And it will positively affect also the child. So consider that you improve ecology of the family, the family relationship.
Of course, the general councils it is impossible to give here, it is necessary to deal with each such case separately. But which - that is actual practically for all.the People who got stuck in failures cease to trust
in the forces and to put them in motion, some time is required. Therefore do not wait for fast progress. It can even turn out so that affairs will go seemingly not bad, but then the husband who got used to a role of the loser will be frightened (say, everything cannot be smooth at me!) also will begin to allow a miss behind a miss. At this moment it is necessary to show patience. Continue to encourage him, as if it was difficult for you.
you do not cite as an example more successful men At all. Especially from among your acquaintances. Instead of imitating them, the spouse cut to the quick will begin to make you rows of jealousy.Especially emphasize with
progress of the husband in the presence of children. Then it will be more difficult for it to crawfish. Seeing that surrounding about them good opinion, people usually try not to lose face.
do not get into affairs of the husband with the head. Otherwise he will feel the child who is excessively sponsored by adults. And as the spoiled child considers that preparation of lessons is a care of adults, and the husband will begin to show irresponsibility. Moreover and to be irritated in addition, to be torn to will.“Do not have
of people uninteresting in the world“, - the poet Yevgeny Yevtushenko fairly noticed. Total losers too. But there are dull teachers who even do a dullness of the brightest child. And the dull wives ego-tripping at the expense of the husband, and then not understanding why sons do not have a life.