Be not afraid to be happy. Part II
Operation was appointed to Wednesday. The doctor confirmed existence of a tumor in the right breast and insistently advised to remove consolidation. To render a verdict - good or the evil bears with itself a new growth - it will be possible only by results of analyses of the tumor. And for this purpose it is necessary to lay down on the operating table.
- you will cut off to me a breast? - by the shivering voice Natalya asked.the Doctor looked at
with the attentive eyes seeing so much grief and tears:
- I Hope, we will be limited only to removal of a tumor. The further course of operation depends on results of analyses. Be adjusted on the best.
on the advice of doctor Natalya tried to be quiet before operation, however in spite of herself the imagination drew terrible pictures. At female talk there were always stories of some acquaintances and distant relatives who underwent operations on removal of a breast.
- Yes, it is awful, - with sympathy women nodded, putting palms to persons, - a nightmare, the blossoming woman, and suddenly - it... - through tragic expression of persons the pleasure was shown that this nightmare happened not to them, and to someone far. - Do not bring, My God! - raised eyes to the sky of the woman and right there superstitiously spitted out, - Fie, fie, fie!Now Natalya understood
, the trouble how close approached it. What will tomorrow bring to it? Whether there will be a small scar on its female beauty or this beauty will not be already absolutely? Never. And what will be instead of?
From thought that will be on the place of the right breast, Natalya began to roar, having turned the head in a pillow. She, silly, was afraid of varicose veins standing, including their not esthetic earlier. What trifle! And now as she will undress before the man? What will give for passionate hot kisses? She tried to present how will look: at the left - a beautiful white breast, and on the right - that? The equal plane with an ugly scar, zashchipanny, how the Ukrainian varenik? And maybe not the plane at all?. And what then - the remains of skin and muscle collected in a small knot?
With these thoughts Natalya laid down on the operating table and until the last minute continued to hope that the surgeon will cut out only a tumor, will relieve it of this lump of the evil, such small, but so strongly changed all her life.to
At first she was glad that operation took place under a local anesthesia:“ Means, it is not still lost, so there is still a hope that all my beauty will remain at me“.
was Given on the analysis a fabric sample. Lying in the cold operating room Natalya diligently grew up sprouts of hope for the safe diagnosis in the heart. But the consciousness which is not disconnected by an anesthesia continued to work tensely and scrolled terrible pictures of the future before the closed Natalya`s eyes. The alarm grew and hooted in her ears a disaster siren. “What will be now? - In despair she thought. - If my cancer, so the end is close! Means, I am doomed to death in terrible tortures! - She remembered the aunt which died not so long ago of lung cancer, her agonal sufferings. - Really I am waited by the same fate?“
As Natalya away did not try to drive awful thoughts, they came back to it again and again. Having been tired of this avalanche, she began to be angry:“ Better for me would make the general anesthesia. Would wake up after operation - already everything that it is necessary, it is cut off and it is not necessary to suffer uncertainty!“
At last the nurse returned from laboratory. Without looking at the patient, gave a leaf with results of the analysis to the doctor. On his eyes Natalya understood - her worst guesses were confirmed.
All. It happened. The part of the Natalyiny body will not belong to it any more.
of the Event after the message of the diagnosis which was heard rather an a sentence, Natalya badly remembers. The anesthesia, of course, for a while disconnected her consciousness, but not in it there was the main reason. Nervousness, alarm, fear of an incurable illness worked stronger, than anesthesia, and continued to keep it in the vice and after operation.
On the first bandaging Natalya turned away and could not force to look at herself on a wound. Tears were shed by streams on her cheeks.
- the Child, - on - kind looked at it the elderly nurse, - rejoice that it is live. You know how many women with the same trouble lead full-fledged life still to - about - olgy years? - with a smile she stretched. - Be not killed so. Life on it does not come to an end. Pray to God better, He is omnipotent.
Having turned away to a wall, it lay till the evening, reflecting over words of the nurse. And the truth if to look round, full - it is full of examples of “life after cancer“. Natalya remembered the neigbour on whom similar operation was performed about ten years ago. Then the mother`s girlfriend leading happy family life occurred, having available too only one mammary gland. And the former employee with whom removed a breast when Natalya only - only came to plant the young specialist was still remembered. They met in the market just about two months ago. That chose to herself the beautiful linen which slightly is not corresponding to its age. But then Natalya only grinned about herself. And now... Natalya suddenly understood how it is necessary to live further of what to think what to wish...
- the Lord, the Father heavenly! - hotly Natalya whispered. She did not know any prayer, except “Pater Noster“. And that on old Slavic, distorted by retellings from generation to generation. But now, a minute of despair, words were by itself and poured down the river. - I, probably, sinned before You much and now I suffer sufferings! But You, sacred and gracious, forgive me for everything. I ask for your help, I ask healings to my body and soul. Only You can help me. Be near me, do not release my hand. I believe that You will help me to survive and will lead me further. I completely trust in You, My God! - Having kept silent, she added what firmly remembered from books and movies - for the sake of the Father, both the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
“Thin branches I would nestle on it...“Natalya the employees and girlfriends who learned about her illness began to come to see
. Some stirred on abstract subjects, without knowing how to affect that, most important, but very delicate. Others, without hiding tears, roared at it on a shoulder, sincerely feeling sorry for her. But also those, and others were surprised to a quiet condition of her soul. She with surprise noticed once as she itself began to calm the girlfriend who burst into tears in chamber. Natalya wiped others tears and kept saying:
- Well you, Lyudochka, so was upset, at me everything will be good. I will pass treatment and I will live as earlier. Well do not cry, be not nervous. You know - all diseases from nerves...Having defined
for itself that all the most terrible already behind, Natalya found out that she began to feel more surely. Only she did not understand one yet: Vasily is its past? Or already future? Also began to remember details of their last conversation.
If earlier it drove away recognitions to itself that their relations came into the gray deadlock of a habit, then before a trip to a dispensary as it is impossible more clearly understood all hopelessness of this communication. Passionate love died away, hopes for happy family life thawed as candles during a romantic dinner, taking the ugly forms of “guest“ meetings., It seems, there is also darling, but he is foreign husband, the father of other people`s children., It seems, still fire of their love, but a flame less also burns and to support him there is nothing.
She never even hinted that to it bothered to be the mistress. As a matter of fact, earlier this circumstance was pleasant to it. It was pleasant that it has no banal and bothering economic duties of the wife that not she cooks soup on duty, and it brings a package of food. And, not some macaroni, but delicacies. It was pleasant that they communicate only several hours a week. Means, there is no time left for quarrels - Natalya thought.
A then the loneliness suddenly rose. Not the temporary tranquility from cares of children as there was a wish in youth, not rest after hard work, and sad, gloomy, is blind - deafly - mute loneliness!
that evening they met not at her place, as always, and in park. It approached, smiling, smoothed out not by her hands, however scented by its perfume. In hands - the package smelling appetizingly and expensively. She did not begin to play for time:
- Vasenka, to us it is necessary to leave, - having decided, Natalya exhaled.
He raised eyebrows, tried to object, but Natalya pressed a palm to his lips:
- Understand me correctly, darling. - Quickly - she quickly started talking, trying to state all thought in the long lonely evenings of, - I want that you became my husband. I dream to spend with you days off and holidays, I want to go with you to the sea, and to the village to parents, I want to watch in the evenings with you TV, to discuss your favourite soccer, to fill up and wake up on your shoulder. Or... or to stop the relations forever! - On one breath Natalya said and glanced to it in eyes, trying to get a response to the words there.
Of course, Natalya hoped that he will tell “yes“ at once. Of course, dreamed that it will be delighted, will be solved on divorce and creation of a new family - with it, darling and only desired. And only a small drizzle somewhere there it is far, outside a cranium persistently spoke:“ Come round what you hope for? Look to the truth in eyes - you for it the convenient woman. You love to distraction, you do not row, you do not take away a salary, you are not capricious, always you accept and you demand nothing in exchange. Unless he will refuse it? Listen, listen that he will answer“.He smiled to
- Natash, a kitten, you at me such clever, such quick-witted. You know, not time for this purpose now. Went, went to you. - It slightly pushed her. - You were tired of this hassle at work. Now I will make a dinner. Let`s sit romantically, we will drink wine, we will relax. And then I to you will make massage, want?
- Vas, forgive, me dull. - She did not make to a step towards the house. - You speak to me “yes“, “no“ or “I will think“?
- the Darling, I speak to you - we will go to your cozy nest. Well, you do not want some wine - I to you will make a seagull with mint, and you will calm down... It is impossible for you... - he muttered, nervously breaking red berries from a mountain ash and throwing them under legs.
That specifically it is impossible - she did not hear. The termination of the florid speech of Vasily rolled in resolute knock of Natalyiny heels.
Vasily went To hospital every day. Despite even the offense living in it, they long talked. Every time Natalya convinced herself that it is necessary to break up with Vasily once and for all, but every time he found warm words of support, looked at it that special loving look which was so expensive to Natalya that all her resolute actions were nullified. She agreed to leave Vasily, but and happy she could not leave desire to love, to be favourite. Vasily tirelessly carried it products, drugs. It was always cheerful and infected it with the positive energy. “Be not afraid to be happy!“ - he told this phrase daily and cared for darling so that neigbours in chamber frankly envied it:
- the good husband at you, Natashenka. - Without knowing the true situation, women said. - And loves - that as!!! Such will never turn away, will not reproach, the cripple will not call!
- Good - good, - Natalya agreed, - we will look, what will be farther...
Natalya completed all courses of therapy, alternating the strengthened medicinal influence to rest from it. She attentively listened to doctors and diligently carried out all their instructions. She firmly believed that drugs will help it and will forever kill even tiny parts of an awful illness. Natalya regretted that preparations have no power over her thoughts about one. In vain she thought that else being in hospital once and for all got rid of terrible pictures of death which were drawn it by imagination. Continually the terrible depression covered it with the black bed curtains, adding to all paints of life of gloomy shades. Before each following course of treatment the despair wave was rolled: “Can throw everything? Can not resist an illness any more? All the same end one!“ .Vasily still persistently called
and came, told only positive words, installed it dreams about good and in every possible way amused. She gave in to his mood and laughed loudly over jokes - humourous catchphrases. Once Natalya even wanted to wave a hand on the conditions which are laid down once and to fall in its embraces. But at the last minute stopped. Then reflected: that prevented it, it was almost ready to return the former relations. Also understood - not fear to undress and show the physical defect to the man. And even not an awful, not cosmetic postoperative scar. Not the feeling sick pursuing it all the time of treatment. The answer to banality was simple - her love died away. It passed, departed, disappeared. It thawed quietly and imperceptibly, having left only pleasant memories.
“Having closed behind itself a door, you open a window in the future,“ - just been born aphorism she thought both after that very easily and just spoke to Vasily resolute “no“.
Feeling terrible nausea and dizziness - normal and predictable doctors by-effects - Natalya thought that the following course of treatment will not be able to transfer any more. But its time has come, and Natalya, having linked teeth, did not go, and crept in hospital.Natalya did not sustain
But when after chemotherapy its hairdress strongly changed. She looked at the big bunch of almost not turned gray hair which remained on a hairbrush ran a hand over strongly thinned ringlets... also began to choose suicide option.interrupted
of her thought Nikitki is ringing:
- Mothers, you want news?
- You bought new phone again?
- And it too. And generally I want to ask you to connect bootees.
- Bootees? And in what occasion?
- concerning your new position. Mamusya - Natusya, you will become a grandmother soon!
And life only begins...
the Small pillow for the little grandson already blossomed on the one hand sunflowers. Their bright petals waited for multi-colored butterflies, and Natalya with pleasure chose for them threads.
Doctors at last told that the need for further treatment already disappeared. In the mornings the habitual movement, without feeling either fear, or pity, she put on linen with the sewed artificial limb and on all rest of day forgot about it at all. Now she often remembered a familiar expression from the movie: “Life after forty only begins!“ And it is valid - Natalya led new life and was very happy with it.
Without regret having left, it quickly enough found work in private firm. Frequent trips to Nikitka and his family added to Natalya family cares and gave the rich soil for occupations by favourite hobbies: knitting and embroidery. Suits, panties, kombinezonchik, and then and gobelin landscapes turned out one more beautiful another.
Natalya also did not refuse “issue“. With pleasure went to any parties where still remained soul of the company. Often Natalya remembered parting words of Vasily “Be not afraid to be happy!“ though on the family life put a fat red nonerasable cross.
B one of warm days of the leaving summer on birthday at the employee Natalya got acquainted with Valery. Began to speak about that, about this, and both with surprise found out that the quantity of subjects for conversation does not run low. He took her home. There was no wish to leave to both. Natalya, having remembered about “a fat cross“, the first was solved and, having waved at parting, stepped in darkness of an entrance.
of the House undressed, having looked at an artificial limb, sighed and turned on the TV. In twenty minutes caught itself on thought that nothing thinks. Undertook the favourite Bunin. On the third page with surprise found out what is not read by classics, and Valeria remembers. Its figure, a conversation manner, the concerning voice. “Silly, - Natalya told herself, ordered more true, - forget. It not for you!“Valery called
A, made appointment, talked without a stop, even more often using the words “we“ and let`s be. To Natalya it became terrible. Reached it that he makes some plans, without asking its permission any more, and as a real man approving them in future joint life. “How to tell it?“ - Natalya thought. And then solved - and whether it is necessary? Whether it is necessary to tell it, it is simpler to break off the relations in a germ, without burdening anybody with anything. Also ceased to answer calls.
Yes, she all the heart, all heat of not dissipated feelings was ready to love, having forgotten about everything on light, to bathe and dive into an avalanche of the gushed feelings. Emotions continually excited thoughts, returning to memory the forgotten verses on love long ago. It forced the look to rest effort of will against the bra hanging on a chair back which weight of an artificial limb quickly pressed her pink dreams in gray reality. Helped. But not for a long time.
to the country Natalya agreed To walk, having decided to tell it everything there! Or not to tell anything, but to tear finally. Or not to tear, but to remain friends... She rushed about on the apartment as the caught birdie who suddenly lost freedom.
Going on a footpath, they talked about the latest news in the world, in the wood - about children, at the lake - about work. In a word, the suitable subject that Natalya realized the plans was not sprained in any way.
Sat down under a ryabinka, having developed sandwiches. Valery broke a branch, clamped teeth.- you Want
a berry?Natalya did not carry
sandwich to a mouth. She took a broad view of it open eyes and could not say a sound. To carry these words which came back from antecedents to good or bad signs?
Valery embraced her and told easily and simply:
- Let`s get married. I want that you became my wife. I want to fill up and wake up near you, I want to spend with you all evenings, days off and holidays, to discuss with you favourite transfers and to bring to you coffee in bed.
Natalya, for some reason without being afraid of the subsequent answer, quietly spoke:
- the Value, you do not know the most important - four years ago I underwent an operation on removal of a breast... - Natalya kept silent. - And I do not drink some coffee. - She blinked. Valery`s words were heard as it seemed to Natalya, later eternity:
- And I am bald. And a jaw at me plug-in. Also I snore at night as a tractor. But I love you and I am not going to refuse the happiness. And now give me the answer - you will become my wife?
- your Jaw from height of my growth it is not visible to me, a bald head - and even less so. And from snore I know an ancient folk remedy... - Natalya cunning looked at Valery and gently kissed weather-beaten lips.