When nothing helps. Part II
of the Word which we use huge impact on the emotional atmosphere in a family. Abuse, nicknames, easy substakes - even comic or kind - all this can send powerful signals of what is admissible and as family members perceive each other. Even the easy remark on how the teenager looks, especially concerning some features of a figure at boys, can cause feeling of vulnerability and be reflected in a self-assessment.
In a family Taylor offensive tone was norm of communication. Family members so got used to talk roughly with each other that they did not even notice how it sounds. Nevertheless, the charged atmosphere constantly reigned in the house, the level of verbal aggression increased. For this reason of each family member asked to make the list of swear words and phrases which especially are not pleasant to it and to show this list to all. The family had to conform to the new rule: every time when they felt that they want to use one word from the list, they had to replace it with the phrase “You sweetie pie“. It can seem silly, but this cheerful approach helped family members to understand how strongly they touched each other with these easy substakes, and tension in the house dissipated.
- You always act this way!
is given dialogue Below between seventeen-year-old Lucie Parkinson and her mother Helen when Lucie came back home at half past one a.m. from the city.
of of Lucie: (standing in a doorway) I go to sleep.
of Helen: You did not obey, Lucie! You do not obey. In how many, I told, you had to return? You had to come till one o`clock in the morning.
of Lucie: I to you sent the message when I sat down in a taxi.
of Helen: You did not hear what I told you last week?
of Lucie: Yes, I heard, but you also did not hear that I told.
of Helen: It is my house! You are not eighteen years old, and if I need to come into club (to take away you), I will come. You left somewhere in nine twenty.
of Lucie: Is not present! There were nine!
of Helen: Is not present. I precisely know how many was time. You want that I called a taxi and checked data? There were nine twenty.
of Lucie: Anyway why to you to call somewhere?
of Helen: Because you say that I am mistaken, and I know!
of Lucie (having flashed): You are always right, and I always am not present! So always occurs!
of Helen: Is not present, Lucie, it is not that case.
of Lucie: So always occurs, mothers.
cannot call This conversation model of successful communication with the teenager. Dispute arose about that, had to come to how many Lucie home. Challenging the facts and not in view of feelings of each other, Lucie and her mother “rested horns“ and could not but not quarrel any more. Their conversation turned into battle for the power of which each participant tried to convince another to agree with his version of events.
No wonder that Lucie started this battle as Helen`s opinion exposed it in unattractive light. The sense of words of Helen was reduced to the fact that Lucie undisciplined (“You do not obey“), insufficiently adult (“You are not eighteen years old“) and besides the liar (“I precisely know how many was time“). Helen talked the offensive and condemning tone, and Lucie answered angrily and hostilely. And eventually too passed to insults.
is pleasant to Nobody when it is condemned or say that it is similar to someone, and teenagers especially are susceptible to it as they already often should argue the point of view. Your child better you knows that occurs at him in the head, and it means that, most likely, every time he will deny and challenge your undesirable interpretations and judgments. In this situation of Helen it would be necessary to speak more frankly about the feelings, but not to use charge against the daughter.
When conversation is heated, extent of charges can often grow to it:“ You, apparently, think that money grows on trees“ “You such irresponsible recently“, “Nobody concerns you, except you“. However pay attention to a difference between the following statements:
“You such optional and selfish. You consider that you can come and leave when to you likes of anybody without thinking. You are not credible at all“. “I was upset with
and worried when you did not come in that hour about which we agreed. I want to trust you, but now it is difficult to me to do it“.
In the first example the parent concentrates attention on the teenager and draws a negative conclusion about its character and the attitude towards others. In the second example the parent is focused on own feelings. Even the most quarrelsome teenager does not have sense to call in question your own experiences.
Is clear, Helen was tired and angry, having waited the daughter to a half of the second, especially because next day Lucie should have gone to school. But she could tell Lucie: “I am afflicted that you did not make about what I asked, and did not come till one o`clock in the morning. I know that you do not agree with this condition, but I would like that you adhered to it, but did not write me the message when already late. It is difficult to me to trust you, time you do not follow our arrangements“.
- do not continue
“I just I turn to everything a deaf ear because it tells a lot of nonsense... I only answer something it seems “Aga, aha, aha... He completely agrees, mothers!“ Fifteen-year-old Johnny Gibson so got used to cavils of the mother Glinis that he did not notice anything from what she told. He learned to get rid of mother, ignoring or calling her. At the same time, the less Glinis felt that she can influence boys, the more she wanted to carp at them, in particular in the mornings when twins refused to get up.“ If I told nothing, they and lay“, - she claimed.
Parents often get to a trap of own cavils in desperate hope that if they continue in the same spirit, then will be able to force the children to recognize their point of view or just to concede to them. Of course, most of teenagers are not silly or deaf. Usually they are ready to listen to you from the first even if they do not show. But as soon as the teenager notices your despair, he begins to argue and purposely turns you into such bore whom he by right can ignore. As the small child feels that he acquires more power, without answering requests of parents immediately, and teenagers often take a similar position.
the Most important council which needs to be taken into consideration, communicating with teenagers, it is simple: perceive everything with ease. State that it is necessary for you, then finish conversation - how it was tempting to continue. Sue Votts`s
so worried that Syuray vanishes at parties late and that he badly studies in college that could not cease to carp at it. But Syuray so to get the best, perhaps, to entice recognition or even “to deceive“ the teenager that he recognized that you are right. But it often leads to negative consequences as the teenager can possess good skills in similar games. Actually you only push him to that he deceived you too. It is the best of all to talk to the teenager openly, honestly and directly.
Twenty questions. Do not give in to temptation to fill up the child with a set of questions, in hope that you will be able to drive him into the corner and to force to admit guilt. Teenagers absolutely definitely do not love questions on which you already know answers (or you consider that you know). So, Syuray in anger asked once the mother:“ Why you ask me if you already had an opinion?“ And it was right.
to Dig in the past. Do not pull out old offenses as material which can be used against the teenager in the current situation especially if he already apologized and expiated last mistakes. Most of teenagers will fly into a rage from the slightest reminder on old offenses, especially if they already made amends, having accepted punishment.
Pressure upon mentality. “Why you cannot make to me a small favor?“ - Sue Syuraya asked. He told her that he gathers for a party on all night long, and she wanted to learn a phone number of that place where he went. Though was and naturally to ask it to leave contact number, but how she made it, angered Syuraya only even more. “It not only from - for you, - she begged. - What if something happens to me?“
the difference between frank recognition in how his behavior is reflected in you in literal sense, and use of the alarm as a way of control and punishment Exists. Parents who play a role of the victim or use such phrases how “really you do not see what you do with the poor mother?“ will it is unlikely achieve pity from the teenager. In spite of the fact that teenagers can freely merge on you the feelings of anger, discomfort or helplessness, it is not pleasant to them when against them use such tactics. Your child is not responsible for your emotional state and if you pour out on it the alarm, then you will destroy your relations.
Negative comparisons. Nothing so touches the teenager as comparison with friends, brothers - sisters, with children of acquaintances or even with parents. It as though you hold before it a curve mirror. It will also consider that these comparisons are inappropriate: as well as all teenagers, he wants that he was considered as the certain, unique personality. Besides, when you are let in comparisons, you do not become capable to empathy. Your child most likely will consider that he to you is uninteresting, and will be forced to resist to you.
Thus, you create hierarchy in a family where children are divided on “good“ and “bad“. The teenager can apprehend it as a certain form of injustice against which he is not capable to fight and to begin to play the role of “the bad child“ predicted by you. Fourteen-year-old Gemma Taylor was sure that her parents consider as if her brother Roy cannot be mistaken, and she is a bad child. As a result she played this role, was aggressive and all the time got into troubles at school.
How to avoid disputes?
- do not talk to your child disrespectful tone, and do not allow it it.
- you do not shout - it will show that you lose control.
- you Learn to listen to what is told by the teenager even if you do not like his point of view.
- do not allow obscene expressions, even for fun. do not issue to
- the characteristic of qualities of the teenager. If you want to show that you are upset with his behavior, then place emphasis on what you feel about it better.
- do not carp. Briefly express the opinion and stop on it.
- do not fill up your child with questions. you do not press
- on mentality and do not compare to others.
- you do not rake over the past at each opportunity. Learn to move forward.