When nothing helps. Part I
Exists several key principles to which you can follow to adjust mutual understanding in your family. Knowing about traps which can destroy any relations, you will probably be able to avoid the most unpleasant situations. Thus, both the parent, and at the teenager will have more chances to achieve what they want.Show to
- some respect
Yang and Jannie Manson after several months of constant abuse completely stopped communication. One night during quarrel sixteen-year-old Jannie called the stepfather, and that boiled. It nadavat it slaps in the face, and then pressed it to a floor. Called the police, but no measures were taken. Jannie had one or two bruises, but the strong loss was caused to her emotional state. Yang was unshakable.“ If I left, she would win“, - he insisted. Later he tried to apologize, but Jannie did not accept them. “I to you have no respect at all“, - Jannie declared. Their relations were destroyed.
what occurred in Manson`s family - an extreme, but behavior which led to a fight is characteristic of many. Jannie and her stepfather communicated in such a way that both felt the victim of a situation. Jannie used very confrontational style of communication that Yana everything in turn brought into big and big rage.“ I just do not like to be given and recede“, - he said. Soon between them there was such aggressive intensity at which intelligent relationship became actually impossible. There are two characteristic types of reaction when verbally or physically attack the person: fight or retreat. It is instinctive, primitive reaction which means that we or are confused and plunge into silent offense (retreat), or we strike back verbally or physically that the conflict (fight) can kindle. Any of these two types of reactions can break true mutual understanding. For this reason it is extremely important to watch how family members talk with each other and to stop all attempts which can destroy respect.
Respect is not attempts to control the person and to manipulate it. Of course, all of you still want that your child did about what you ask him... But think of another: how to communicate to create the atmosphere of respect in a family and that will help to keep the confidential relations between you and the teenager.
- Stop to shout!
In a family Parkinson / Ryan shout was a usual communication medium. Sisters Lucie and Elaine constantly shouted at each other and at the mother Helen and when did not shout, refused to talk with each other.“ They will just pound you in powder still before you come round, - Helen complained. - I think: it does not concern me any more, leave and let`s me die“. Helen tells scary words, but actually she shouted at all not less, than her squealing daughters. It was almost impossible to understand when they talk and when quarrel, and the first that to them was offered by psychologists, is to try to cease to shout.
If you resort to shout, then usually for this purpose there are two reasons. First reason: you use the increased tone to dominate over the opponent - literally trying to outvoice it. And the second: when you shout, you actually report that you lost control over yourself.
On the one hand, can not be pleasant to your child that you shout, but at the same time he can enjoy secretly the power which forces you to lose control. Also it gives it a good justification to ignore everything that you tell as you behave “irrationally“. It is important not to allow it such luxury.
is difficult to have respect for the one who uses shout as a usual means of communication. As if you were enraged by behavior of the teenager, try to cool down when you talk to it. So he will apprehend rather what you want to tell. Besides, you will show it more adult way of resolution of conflict, without resorting to disrespectful methods.
on the other hand when the teenager shouts at you, it probably already overstepped that bound when the argument is still possible. It is better to finish conversation before it reaches boiling points. There is no sense to talk to the become angry and offended teenager. Your silence will transfer it the message on your disapproval, than that you try to finish it rather. Mary and Anny Ellis both were shocked with
when both saw in record as they shout at each other.“ I in horror! - Anny exclaimed. - I did not know that it so looks“. Mother and the daughter communicated quite a lot, but almost always in an aggressive manner. Sometimes they even perceived aggression as a way of achievement of some form of dialogue.
of Mary and Anny did exercise when which performing they needed to trace the thoughts coming to mind when they began to quarrel. Mary realized the feeling as if the daughter does not understand her, and Anny felt that mother breaks on it the dissatisfaction. Having taken a detached view of a situation, they also understood that despite aggression in the relations, they very much love and feel each other. They recognized that that moment when they begin to shout, actually is a point from which it is impossible to return. They decided not to raise the voice and to stop conversation as soon as notice signs of the imminent quarrel.
- You do not listen to
“I want to talk to you that you listened to my point of view, but not to give you chance to establish rules and orders“, - Jannie Manson after a fight with the stepfather told. To you it is important though, maybe, and it is difficult to understand that one of the most effective ways to show the respect for the teenager - it is attentive to listen to what he wants to tell.
of Research showed that actually most of people at conversation mainly listen, but do not speak. But parents, communicating with teenagers, not always follow this model: it seems, they consider that they should say more. Talk with teenagers often turns into fight for the one who will be able to hold more strong the position and more furiously to insist on the point of view.
Parkinson issued to the Family the new set of rules according to which Helen and her daughters Lucie and Elaine have to were tell and listen to each other every day kindly. On a case of the imminent quarrel the rule said: to listen to the point of view of the opponent and then to interrupt conversation. In spite of the fact that it seemed to them to conform difficult to this rule, the tension in their house was relieved almost at once.
Ability to listen is a skill which is required to be developed. It means to show attention when other person speaks, and to find the correct moment to start conversation. David Hunt was upset when it was not succeeded to talk to the stepson Robert about plans for evening. That with the friend watched TV, and it is no wonder that sat, without tearing off a look from the screen, and slowly answered. This typical phenomenon. In operating time over the Grown-up angels we removed people who tried to support conversation, and read magazines at this time, were outvoiced from different rooms, watched TV and even spoke along with someone else by phone.
Many consider that to listen to is a passive process, but so should not be. You have to show to the teenager that you listen to him, giving signals, for example, sometimes it is possible to tell “aha“ or to nod in reply, keeping at the same time visual contact at the good level. Your reaction lets the teenager know that you pay him attention and seriously perceive its attempt to talk. Even more significantly, the fact that you should not interrupt to correct or scarify it.
to listen, to you it is necessary to understand that the teenager can perceive a situation not as you see it. Teenagers often feel that they are not perceived seriously, and it is sometimes difficult to them to put into words the emotions. From this point of view it is especially important to develop ability to listen well. If you attentively listen to him, then by right can expect the same in reply when you want to speak.
However if your child does not want to listen to you probably you should not try to start talking to it. Sue Votts so wanted to discuss with Syuray the forthcoming meeting in college that followed it to its room and sat down on its bed whereas Syuray turned to it a back, put on earphones and began to repeat:“ I do not listen, I do not listen“. Ways of communication of Sue only angered Syuraya more. This situation well shows that it is impossible to force someone to listen to you. In similar circumstances it is the best of all to stop any attempts and again to think of how and when it will be possible to inform of the message.
- you Watch
“You are a damned bastard, Luke, and you know about it“, - Rob Gibson told the fifteen-year-old son, having returned after long flight. Luke ceased to take offense at Rob`s words since itself could tell mother “leave“. In a family where mother did not feel support from the husband when tried to return control over boys, the use of similar words by Rob gave to sons a clear signal of what so can be spoken.