The adult love and small children of
Love of the man and woman is, undoubtedly, a family basis. It gives us strength, confidence and feeling of happiness. And how our children perceive love? What for them is meant by our love feelings?
Most of people remember the beginning of the relations and the first months of joint life with easy grief. “We so loved each other - just could not live day in separation. From morning to the night together, looking in eyes, holding hands, - so we were ready to see off every day. Flowers, gifts, the sea of tender words, and the whole world only for us... Now all, of course, not so...“ Actually it is very good that such feelings do not last long. Present how much interesting you would pass around if and continued to look only at each other and to hold each other by hands. All life would pass by thanks to such love. So the nature arrived very wisely, having limited terms of romantic feelings. Though she thought at the same time, of course, of another - about children. Strong feelings are necessary to create couples and to provide the child`s birth. And then people have to switch to the kid sharply. Means, the nature solved, the love in an original, passionate state has to proceed of a year to two. After that the woman let continues to care for children, putting them on legs, and the man - will think whether it is necessary to provide whom else with posterity. And that you never know what... The flood, for example, hunger, animals wild - than more people will remain, for mankind it is better for those.
With climate change and living conditions, which - that from the plan of the nature people managed to modify. For example, significantly having limited polygamy, to create rather resistant marriage unions (though too many forces are spent for fight against man`s care of providing all female individuals with posterity). But in many respects the nature remained is unshakable. The passion has to leave! All attention - to children! For many it appears surprise, and in a year of joint life more than a half of marriages appears under the threat of disintegration, without having passed tests by routine, with feeling that “everything appeared not so“. Much do not even want to make efforts that to change something. They leave, without having learned that passions succeed not less fine and surprising feelings. That life of two people in marriage is not descent on the inclined plane of emotions, and continuous changes with recessions and rises (and even the passion, by the way, cyclically comes back).
the Example for imitation
Psychologists noticed one interesting feature long ago. The people happy in marriage, estimate life and feelings of the parents as happiness too. Those who are sure that the love can last all life had an opportunity to observe touching and tender feelings of the mother and fathers, and also grandmothers and grandfathers. Really the love is descended? Yes, mostly it so. What have to be the relations that for this purpose needs to be done - we acquire all this since the early childhood on examples of relatives. And the set of trifles which we sometimes do not even notice matter as the fundamental facts (for example, existence or lack of the conflicts, divorces, joint or separate accommodation in itself), and. Kisses at meetings and partings, a habit to ask how there passed day, - such set of pictures of family life to adult age are at each of us, and we are guided by it, choosing ourselves the satellite and building up with it the relationship.“ I made the proposal to the wife when she bandaged to me leg wound. Probably, strange, but at that moment I understood that I very much love it. It so tenderly ironed me on the head, so gently blew on the bandaged knee... I remembered how about twenty years ago my mother in the same way bandaged a leg to the father when we went hiking. However, I remembered it already then when all began to ask why for the offer I chose such unexpected situation. And at that moment as dawned on me - here, it is precisely love! I was not mistaken - we have two children, and the relations all same gentle“. (Oleg, 34 years).
of the Side reasonable
But how exactly to show love? What has to be available to a children`s look and what to be under a signature stamp “Only for adults“? It is more difficult to answer this question, than it seems. Because business, probably, not in specific action, and in that, how exactly it happens. Embraces, kisses, caress - well practically everything, except directly intimate relations, - does not make sense to hide all this. It often causes jealousy in the child? Nothing terrible - the jealousy in small sizes is even useful, and to get used to thought that between parents there are, personal relations, better as soon as possible. But feel a difference between situations!
First. Parents sit on a sofa, embrace and exchange playful caress. The child, seeing it, throws the toys and jumps on them. Absolutely small can violently drag literally mother from the father, the child will be more senior just to try to carry away their attention itself. They, understanding it and finding a situation cheerful, quickly switch to it. What occurs is more similar to noisy game now, than to caress. The child happy with that everything appears on the places and about him did not forget, again comes back to the toys.to
in the same way, but the child trying to capture attention hears discontent remarks. “Listen, you can leave parents alone for a minute?“, “Be also engaged in Idi in the toys!“ - speak to it and very clearly show that its presence is very undesirable at present. What the child in the first case can feel? Confidence and feeling of stability. And it will remain even if sometimes parents leave it on care of grandmothers or the nurse, leaving to walk together. And in the second the jealousy can become very strong. The child has a feeling of alarm and uselessness which can be shown in frustration of a dream, persuasive actions, intentionally negative acts or even the most real diseases. The headache, enuresis, violations of work of a stomach and intestines - such can be the consequences which appeared on the mechanism of conditional desirability.the Kid has to understand
“Me is loved, only if I am ill, and in general to parents not to me“, - approximately such feeling starts aspiration to hurt and attract to itself parental love. So it is one more example of the fact that everything is good moderately. “We very much love each other, but we love you not less, and you do not disturb, and do our life even better“ - approximately the child has to understand it. No, not to understand - to feel constantly. As for the sexual relations, and here bans has to be less. To you it is not necessary to see everything that occurs in a bedroom, to the child. But the fact that parents want to be together, to be in close proximity, to hide to anything. Also be not afraid that the questions “Why You Sleep Together?“, “What Do You Do There?“ will begin to torment the child - on the contrary, children for whom love of the man and woman - the daily reality, norm of life, are almost not interested in sex issues. They as if subconscious intuition acquire that there is something that belongs so far only to adults. And it is not of the increased or painful interest to them.
Others weddingIf the child gets used to the love relations of the parents since the childhood, then repeated marriage of mother or father happens a stress. For the child the new elect long time will be just others, at best - the good acquaintance. And reaction to yours with it feelings can be absolutely unexpected.“ Parents divorced when I was three years old. I lived with mother, but often spent days off at the father. Then mother married. Now it will be much better for us three together - she told me. But personally it became better for me not. I well remember how for New year I made a wish that the new husband vanished into thin air. Now, of course, it is awkward for silly children`s thoughts - especially as Alexander was very good person. But then it was unpleasant to me to kiss mother when I knew that she kissed it too“. What to do? To try to be more sensitive to the child and to understand that he tests in this situation. Perhaps, it is ready to accept everything as is, - then you should not worry. But, perhaps, the situation for it is too traumatic, and then, to show feelings too openly. No explanations, attempts to inspire that it has to react positively are necessary. Wait, give time most to understand everything or to get used at least.
the Love drama
Happens so what the love leaves irrevocably and people are concerned by only one question - what to do? To keep the relations for the sake of children that they did not feel defective, or to leave, having begun new life? Of course, in each case the decision will depend on a set of the most different circumstances, but in life of children whose parents on the verge of divorce or already endured it, there are general moments.
In - the first, this sense of guilt. The child cannot understand all difficulties of the adult relations, he owing to the egocentricity thinks that all events are surely connected with him. If parents leave (and at the same time someone one leaves), so I did not suit it with something. And this feeling can remain for the rest of life - in the form of responsibility to parents and awkwardness in communication with them. In - the second, intensity. Life of the child changes, and often absolutely not to the best. Even if divorce was desirable on both sides, it is difficult to make the relations former once and for all. Often there are reasons for disputes, quarrels and claims. And it is good still if all understand that it is just necessary to protect the child from all negative phenomena of the adjustable period. Otherwise children can feel in general the ground slipping away from under the feet, without understanding what occurs in this world. Mother Vari left the husband when the girl was 4 years old. At first arranged all that Varya lives with mother, but then the husband began to insist on transfer of rights to the child to him. And though a legal process did not succeeded to achieve it, its requirements of communication became more and more rigid. The series of scandals were sometimes replaced by calm, but, happened, passed into real fights. The grandmother of a visor of the child to provide quieter living conditions. But, even coming on a visit to the child - one by one or together, parents could not keep from mutual recriminations. The two-year drama led to the fact that Varya began to stammer strongly, it was registered to the neurologist. The grandmother went with the girl on doctors and to special occupations. And parents... Parents got married again. Their hatred was so strong, as well as the love, and the updated family only became stronger. But children are not able to understand all this, and their losses as a result of fights of adults can be irreplaceable.to the Child should know
Other case semeyno - the love drama - change. By results of researches of 2007, 76% of men and 50% of the women living in the large cities have periodic or constant love relations on the party. What, apparently, it is related to children - and own partner hardly learns something. To learn, perhaps, does not learn - neither the partner, nor especially the child (he also concept of change does not know), and all will feel. When people live together more than two - three years, they aggravate mutual sensitivity on emotion. All of us understand without words - on eyes, on a smell, on a voice, on intonations, gestures. We feel - and it gives rise to alarm. But formally we receive confirmation opposite:“ No, expensive, I love only you, all this seemed to you“.
I when so proceeds months and years, the alarm even more dangerous appears. The unconscious family alarm (her psychologists so call) is shown in constantly soaring not clear fear, fight of thoughts against feelings. It exhausts and sometimes leads to a nervous breakdown, but that is even more unpleasant, - children also suffer from it. Feeling that “something not so, but I cannot understand what“, is transferred also to them. It is impossible to call such situation normal especially as also scandals (it is formal - in other occasions) happen in such families much more often. So here not to do without constructive approach. > it is important to p to remember
In any situations that in a family there are children, and they - that between parents are not guilty of the conflict at all.