The right moment of
the Birth of the child is the biggest sacrament of life, but also huge responsibility. And therefore to decide on this miracle, future parents carefully consider the desire. How to estimate whether the situation is favorable for the birth of the kid and what it is possible to make to make this important decision?
prepare For a roditelstvo!
When and where pregnancy begins? In the love relations of partners? In a stomach at future mother? All this is right, but actually pregnancy begins... in the head! And making decision on the birth of the child can happen in different conditions and at different stages of development of the relations in couple. We will tell you several typical stories, and, perhaps, you will find in them answers to the questions if you are on the way of making decision on the birth of the kid.
History first. “How many difficulties ahead!“
Vika and Sergey - a young married couple. Their marriage is about two years old, both young specialists with good prospects. Live together with Wicky`s parents. Vika for quite some time now began to stare at carriages with kids and Sergey shows touching care of the little nephew, being on a visit at the brother. Once Vika, not without confusion, started conversation that it is good to become it the real family, to give birth to the baby. Sergey, on pleasure to the wife, told that he thought of it too. Having spent several days in optimistic dreams, spouses began to think of that how many changes will happen in their life. It turned out that to make the decision, even at mutual desire, not so simply...
It is valid, the young couple responsibly suitable to the firstborn`s birth discusses possible changes and difficulties. The housing problem often is unresolved, and spouses are forced to live in the house of parents whose interests need to be considered too. Career is on rise, and future mother worries whether she will be left “in the basket“ until her childless girlfriends conquer career peaks. The general contribution to the family budget is very important, and future father is afraid whether he will cope with the increased material requirements of a family, remaining the only getter. Still quite often men are afraid of changes of character of women even during pregnancy, and far not to the best.
However, despite all difficulties which never happen a little important is the general desire of spouses to bring up the kid. This desire will also be a driving force which will allow to cope with difficulties and to get used to changes in life which will arise even during pregnancy. The leading motive as we wrote above, both at women, and at men, the motive of continuation and development of the relations with the partner is, In that case when the love reigns in the relations, partners wish “to prolong the love in the child“. The social motive will be also serious driving force: the image of the person which wants to have children is estimated positively by both men, and women. Such person is allocated with positive personal characteristics - reliable, clever, understanding. And future grandmothers with grandfathers, even living in the constrained conditions, often support the decision of young couple to give birth to the child as it proves: they raised the children in the correct parental tradition.by
Therefore at the created mutual desire of spouses most often makes the positive decision: “yes, we will be parents!“ . And here several recommendations which will allow you to feel more surely. It is necessary...
- of ... to wait for changes with interest, but not with tension. Yes, life will change already during pregnancy, and - especially - with the birth of the kid. But changes is an integral part of our life and new, wonderful, a round under the name “child`s birth“.
- ... to try to design positive model of the future. Dream, present your family already in expanded structure. Often men represent not the newborn child, but the kid of 4 - 5 years. Let there will be so, a main thing that the positive image of the future helped you with the present. Dream together! It is good when spouses together talk about the future, about that time when the kid is born, will begin to grow up. The joint image of the future is a good support in any difficult situations.
- ... to learn what expenses are paramount for families in which the child was born recently. > Often it turns out em that material requirements raise not too strongly, especially, if the child is on breastfeeding. If all of you count, then will reduce own alarm. If you understand that your income will be valid not to be enough, the man will have time to find new opportunities of earnings.
History second. “I want, and it does not...“
“We live together 4 years, in marriage, separately from parents, there are the apartment and the car, work both, me 28, he is 29 years old. I very much want to give birth to the child, to care for him. And the husband does not want children, rigidly controls questions of protection, without trusting me. When married, said that wants two children, the son and the daughter. I try to convince, I show toys, children`s things, kids in carriages, I say what darlings, and it to me in reply: Only are also able what to cry . Often I ask when we bring the baby, and he: Then, later, I am not ready . Every time children`s subject comes to an end with quarrel. My years go, and is simply terrible to wait still for the uncertain number of years: problems with health can not allow me to become mother. And there is no wish to get divorced, this person is dear to me“. Lyudmila, 28.
This in general widespread subject often rises on the websites for future and real parents. And the range of councils which can be received from participants of forums (as a rule, women) differs from “throw it, while the getting is good and find the one who will give you the child“ to “suffer how many you will be able“. The truth, as usual, is in the middle. But to reveal it, it is necessary to understand in what the reason that one wants, and another - is not present.
Reason the first: existence of urgent matters. In this case psychological readiness at each of partners is created, but there are really some affairs demanding active participation. For example, planning of pregnancy can be postponed from - for training in higher education institution, the planned purchase of the apartment, moving to other city or the country and for other really important reasons. Time of business demand completely our time and concentration, and in this situation the birth of the kid is not too desirable from - for possible an overstrain, and also for the benefit of the child, it is better for them to be born when his father and mother are able to find for it enough time and attention. In this case in the relations everything is all right, spouses talk about desire to have the child, but a bit later. Often husbands in these questions are more categorical, but also are practical.
What to do? It is necessary...
- of ... to listen to reasonable arguments and for a while to postpone planning process;
- ... the most important, perhaps, it to support in each other desire to have the kid, and at this time to go towards the aim, resolving those issues which limit possibilities of planning so far.
Reason the second: insufficient psychological readiness of one of partners. Quite often happens that the woman wishes to give birth to the kid and it is psychologically ready to it, and the man - yet is not present. However, there is also a reverse situation. In either case the relations in couple can be rather harmonious and frictionless though against “a children`s subject“ can become intense. In this case “not ready“ partner says that he wants to have the child, but not now, looks for a set of excuses. Why does that happen? On that is the reason of social sense: the desire to have the child socially is encouraged, and unwillingness - is condemned. There is a person, without being ready, looks for plausible excuses.
What to do? It is necessary...
- of ... to recognize a human right to create readiness for a roditelstvo. Should not put ultimatums (“if we do not give birth the child, I will leave you“). Present that you sincerely are not ready to something, and darling does not wish to show understanding, and only “presses“.
- ... to work softly, but it is sure. The matter is that in the loving couple readiness for a roditelstvo of one of partners depends on readiness of another. Therefore you can take some actions. Gradually instill confidence that he will be a good father in the partner, reasoning it. For example: “Such responsible (able to love, gentle etc.) people are good fathers“. Pay attention to how your acquaintance of the fact that he became a father is proud. Lift a “children`s“ subject delicately, unostentatiously and you remember a proverb “water the stone sharpens“.
Reason the third: dissonance in the relations. When in the relations there is tension, sometimes it happens obviously only for one of partners. And when the woman falls in a reverie of the kid, her partner understands: the relations are insufficiently strong to make up the mind to such step. In this case “not ready“ partner can also pull and look for a set of arguments not to give birth to the child now. But intensity in this case is much bigger, than in case of not created readiness.“ Not ready“ can show aggression at a raising of a “children`s“ subject or show ostentatious indifference. The direct phrase “Can sometimes be heard I do not want to have children“.
What to do? It is necessary...
- of ... to understand that the birth of the child is not means of deduction of the partner. In a case when in the relations there are a lot of contradictions, the temptation can arise “to fasten“ them with the child`s birth. But the kid is not glue and to do it initially responsible for the relations of two adults - unfairly and incorrectly.
- ... to postpone planning until the moment when in the relations there comes definiteness. Or couple will find a way (perhaps, by means of the psychologist) and will come to a new round of the relations, or will leave and subsequently both will find happiness with new partners.
History third.“ I will give rise for myself“
“I met Kirill about half a year. At that time I was 27 years old, the stable relations were not long ago, and the maternal instinct had already an effect. I very much wanted the child! So what I was ready to bring up its one. From the point of view of the physiological father Kirill was good option: a sports constitution, without addictions, rather clever. I was even in love with it. And I thought: let I will have a child from this man. I ceased to be protected, without having warned him about it. I was ready to bring up the child one. And if Kirill wants to remain with us, then I would be not against. But he did not want...“ Marine, 28 years.the situation when the woman wishes to give birth to the child “for herself“ is Rather rare
, consciously plans this step, being going to become independent mother. At one of forums for independent mothers survey during which it was found out that 70% of women did not plan the birth of the child was conducted, 17% planned together with the partner in the period of the actual relations and only 13% initially planned the child`s birth “for themselves“.
the Most frequent reasons of such independent planning...
- ...“ critical“ age (35 years are more senior) for the first pregnancy when there is no partnership with the man;
- ... big love to the person who is in marriage (“let from it I will have at least a child“);
- ... internal installation on the fact that marriage cannot be successful, at a strong maternal instinct.
What to do? It is necessary...
- of ... in advance to create material resources, and also to think of maintenance of sufficient level of material well-being. In couple the woman can hope that in recent months before the birth of the child and at least a year after its birth the man will bring to the house of “mammoth“ that the woman could concentrate on motherhood. In a case with independent planning you will need to create material resources independently. A little easier situation when the profession allows you to work at home though in the first months after the birth of the kid even it will be difficult. In a case with the woman who is independently planned by pregnancy it is necessary to count generally on own forces, though close people, perhaps, will support you and will be able to give help to young mother.
- ... you will have to undertake responsibility completely. At those moments when it is really difficult and “will sleep to be wanted more, than to live“, you will need to lean on the fact that you made this courageous decision completely independently and consciously. But at the same time it is, of course, not necessary to refuse any offered help;
- ... it will be necessary to think over life in advance after the child`s birth as after the delivery you will be very limited in time. will need to buy all dowry for the kid in advance because there will be few time for purchases after the birth of the kid.
to be independent mother is a difficult choice, and a lot of persistence and sincere force is necessary that to make this choice. However, if there are no hopes for creation of a full family for any reasons, the birth of the child is a great happiness. And you, making up the mind to this independent step, you will surely cope! And independent mothers very well understand that in communication with the child it is especially important to compensate the insufficient number of communication by quality.
So, the decision on the birth of the child is always heavy responsibility of future parents, be their two or one. But many problems are solved if you aspire to that this miracle became reality. To be a parent - very honourable mission.