“Housing problem“. How to get on with parents?
the Beginning of family life are a difficult stage in relationship of spouses. The beginning of any business in many respects defines its success. And it is very important, these years begin where exactly: there lives the family separately or with parents.
When meet the people who were not seeing each other several years, they begin conversation on the family relations. And here such dialogue in this case will be typical:
- You in marriage?
- Yes. And you?
- I too. And where you live: or with parents?
- With parents. And you?
- We too...
can hear Further a set how many interesting, as much and typical information on how the relations in these big families are under construction. And it is always important what party is represented by telling: the man it or the woman and in whose “territory“ he (she) lives. And, as a rule, problems are described much. What it is connected with?
So, “young people“ have no own area, and one of them is forced to move to live to a family of other spouse. The communication problems arising with emergence in the house of the new person are a consequence of features of functioning of so-called “communication channels (communication)“. If, for example, in a family of three people of 3 simple channels (the husband - the wife, the father - the child, mother - the child), then at appearance of one more family member the number of channels increases twice. It is the simplest option, and sometimes the person comes to the house where already there live 5 people, and there were 9 simple channels. With the advent of the new family member there are 15 channels of communication at once, and not all participants are ready to it!Also should remembering
so-called “hindrances“: it is that the transmitted data does not reach, reaches not completely or in the distorted option. In this case the person speaks:“ I am not heard “, “ not wanted to be heard “, “ they cannot understand“. Why so there is also what can influence it?
Age. It is quite often difficult for representatives of different generations to find a common language. And if representatives of “the senior generation“ during education of the child learned to understand his requirements and interests, then often are not ready to consider opinion of “stranger“.
Different cultural level. Happens that the highly educated young man or the girl come to the spouse`s family with low socially - cultural level. There is also a reverse situation. The cultural level of families in which “young people“ were brought up is closer, the less will be hindrances in communication.
National color. Representatives of each nation have norms, values and views of a family and the relations in it. And if each of spouses was brought up in families with different national traditions, misunderstandings at communication in a family where he begins to live, hardly to avoid.
the Developed relation. Happens that family members to which one of spouses comes were negatively ready in relation to him (or to it) to a wedding. In this case not to avoid hindrances of communication.Therefore it is clear to
that problems at the very beginning of joint life (moreover) will be joint with parents much. And all of them demand loyalty and good will from all family members, and also readiness not to allow the conflicts or to resolve them as soon as possible. We will tell several typical stories about problems and about ways of their decision.
History first:“ In the middle“
Alexey after a wedding moved to live to the wife Marina. Marina`s parents to whom the son-in-law not too was pleasant also lived in the apartment. The mother-in-law began to state discontent, but not directly to the son-in-law, and the daughter (“not there put“, “not so made“, “in the morning did not greet“ and to that similar trifles). To the young husband also was what to tell about the mother-in-law. Thus, Marina appeared as “recycle bin“ in which mother and the husband poured out hostility and aggression. Marina did not know how to be her, she sincerely loved both, and they actually demanded both:“ Choose me“.
To number of simple communication channels when people communicate with each other directly, the huge number difficult - when information intending to one family member joins (for example, from the mother-in-law the son-in-law), goes through another (daughter). And about it our history. To whom in this situation it is the heaviest? Of course, the one who is in the middle to it gets “a double charge“ of a negative. Moreover and the requirement to choose on whose party to be. And such situation meets in many families living with parents! What to do if you got into this difficult situation? There are several rules which will help you to work effectively in this case.
- of Rule first: do not transfer negative information! It is necessary to realize accurately that, transferring negative information from one to another, you get the main share of the aggressive charge going to the answer. That is, the anger of the husband had to fall on the grumbling mother-in-law, and got to you. Then you, flaring anger, you go to transfer this anger to the mother, and in reply you receive one more portion of aggression. Therefore it is important to stop information transfer at once: just listen and refuse to report further.
- Rule second: at everyone the party. The main mistake which can be made in this situation, it to rise on someone`s party. Because that you will support the husband, his claims to your mother will not stop, and will amplify, supported with your support, respectively, reciprocal aggression will amplify. If to remember that you in the middle, the picture will turn out sad. Therefore you remember: remain on the party, without siding with any of them!
- Rule third: if to them is what to talk about, then let speak directly or let are silent. The good option is in transferring communication to “the simple canal“: let opponents communicate with each other directly, but not through you. Mother and the husband after discussion of problems will be able to understand each other and will stop a stream of mutual claims. If they cannot neither talk, nor agree, let will try to be silent and not to complain to you. Both of them have a fine alternative: mother can complain of the son-in-law to the girlfriends, and your husband - to tell friends jokes about the mother-in-law. If only relatives and friends do not try “to help“ your family councils or actions, on it the conflict can be considered if not resolved, ceased.
- Rule fourth: you stick to the position. If they continue the games, using you, it is necessary to tell mother firmly: “He is my husband, I love it it what it is, and I do not wish to hear more about it bad“. The husband should be told:“ She is my mother, and I love it such what it is, and I do not wish to hear more about it bad“. These phrases will not work from the first as during the conflict of the party are morally depreciated in the opinion of each other. But these phrases you add to them weight, and they learn to respect each other through you, but not to show aggression. At all inefficiency, the former relations are favorable to them as they are means of increase of own self-assessment by decrease of a self-assessment of another. You have to keep with firmness as they will try to return back to a former stereotype of behavior. Under no circumstances do not enter these games again, confine to “the magic phrase“, gradually it will sink in both and will help.
History second: “With the charter to others monastery...“
Masha after a wedding moved to live to the spouse and his parents. For it the new situation was unusual, she did not know where things necessary to it lie, and all the time she hesitated to ask. Then Masha began to clean up: sorting systematically a box behind a box, she shifted things to new places. To it there was an order and after it there was an order - but another! Now the mother-in-law had to look for things. She could not state the discontent to the daughter-in-law as she always avoided the conflicts. Thus, Masha had no place to learn that she does wrong, and she continued “to bring the orders“. This situation provoked periodic rises in arterial pressure.
In each house peculiar “charter“ is: where there are certain things, order or a disorder is kept on what, how and when time and money are spent.This way is developed and supported by
for years and it is considered almost firm. The family gets used to live quite so, and this way becomes almost an axiom (“and unless can be in a different way?“ ).
the rule Exists: that spouse who goes to live to others house adapts in marriage much more difficultly and longer, than the one who remains in the territory. The person who came from the house with other charter gets to “the novel world“ which he can not know absolutely, and can have a little knowledge, acquired according to stories and supervision. At first the person constantly feels discomfort from the fact that here all not as was at home. Other family members also test discontent with a set of the small habits brought “from the foreign land“ that often leads to misunderstanding and mutual discontent. What to do not to bring a situation to the conflict?
- of Rule first: the Preparatory work - it is important! If the spouse has to move to you, then try to tell him about family customs and orders in advance and make it kindly. If you have to move - also do not hesitate to ask about much in advance.
- Rule second: Positive spirit. Be adjusted and adjust the family that the new family member does something not from the evil but because got used in a different way. Continue to tell as much as possible (or to ask) about family customs and orders, but to do it unostentatiously and benevolently. Remember that the spouse who came to the house himself wants to adapt and feel somewhat quicker more surely.
- Rule third: Allow to show independence. The person who came to live to the new house always has a desire something to change (often - to rearrange or buy new furniture) that is connected with desire to make this house the. It should making advances in it. Of course, it will be a question first of all of the room where there will live young people. It is important that they together issued the room as it is convenient him.
- Rule fourth: Call to the aid humour. On whatever party you were (accepting or newly arrived), do not forget about humour. It is important to be able to joke at some point to relieve the tension. While you are ready to become angry, try to present, as if you told about it to friends, wishing to amuse them.
History third: “Oh these councils!“
Sergey brought the young wife Katya into the house. And here, since first week, Sergey`s mother started every evening conversation on the same subject: as there has to live the young family. Externally it was very benevolent, the councils supported with examples from her life and life of her acquaintances flowed like water. First young people listened silently, then began to give the examples refuting mother`s theories, then the atmosphere in the house began to be heated, and the spouses who never quarreled before marriage began to swear.
Often found problem in the young families living with parents - irritation from advice which parents give. The huge avalanche of councils sometimes falls down spouses both from one, and from other parents. Persuasive councils of parents are one of the main subjects of discussion with sympathetically listening friends of young spouses. And, the most important, is not clear at all: how it is correct to react to them? There are several recommendations:
- of Rule first: report about the position. Often persuasive councils of the senior generation proceed long if young spouses are ready to listen to them. Young people clench teeth, politely smile and nod, and then state each other: “Your mother is simply intolerable!“ For example, heroes of our history can, having discussed quietly a problem, to decide to live the own way, to allow himself to make mistakes and together to correct them. It is necessary to report about such decision to mother and to firmly adhere to the position. Most likely mother, in turn, still some time will try to return everything into place, but over time will reconcile to the created situation and will cease to give unnecessary advice.
- Rule second: council which ask is good togas. You most softly can report about it to parents. And also it is important to realize it. You can ask council parents if you are only sure that they, having given it, will stand aside and will not take part in the conflict. If are not sure - go to friends, and it is better to the professional psychologist who will definitely not arrange the next lecture in your kitchen on “we life lived, us only and to listen“.
- Rule third: consider the relation. Never ask council parents on relationship with the spouse if they though in any measure opposed to your marriage. You will hardly hear a practical advice, and the sermon on “I spoke to you“ will be provided to you. The same aspect needs to be considered at persuasive councils which are not asked: you remember that the position of the senior generation can be biased of - for negative the personal attitude.
- Rule fourth: down with sense of guilt! The young people who do not have still experience of family life sometimes begin to have sense of guilt for the fact that they do not accept councils of parents, especially if subsequently it turns out that council was correct. Recognize the right to form own life experience. You do not blame yourself for the made mistake, recognize it and make “a dry pressing“ that from now on the mistake did not repeat. Also you remember that council is not the order, and it is not obligatory to execution at all. And only your decision - to listen to it or not.
- Rule fifth: allow parents to feel the necessity. Why parents are so sometimes persuasive in the desire to give advice which from them is not asked? The matter is that the wedding for them is connected with crisis of separation from the child, and in this regard subconsciously there is a question: “And whether it needs us now?“ . Here also they try to be very much necessary, useful, often achieving the return result. An exit here in tenderly to let know to parents that they remained are also expensive to you, as before, and though you also are not going to follow all their advice, but you are respectful to them. Also it is necessary to ask at least sometimes them council. Not connected with private life of your family, of course, and, for example, about subtleties of preparation of favourite baked pudding of your husband or about care of a houseplant.
So, we considered only some problems connected with cohabitation of a young family and parents of one of spouses. Everything will develop if to be the basis goodwill, tolerance and flexibility. Remember that concealment of problems leads to their strengthening. Adults did not invent yet other way to overcome disagreements as soon as talking and discussing a situation. If you reached a deadlock and cannot “independently come up“, do not hesitate to ask for the professional help the psychologist. Sometimes happens several conversations and “trade secrets“ enough to find a way out.