Rus Articles Journal

The first meeting of

it is frequent, having received the direction on a meeting with the child, potential adoptive parents do not manage to think of how to carry out it. Many hope that they will be helped by specialists of children`s home or orphanage - they have a lot of experience. Others are just so happy, so in love with the kid on a photo that just fly as they on wings and hurry to see the child, and further...

hope for God`s will and maternal heart Further. And it is a high time to tell himself “stop“. Whatever passionate was expectation whatever painful was search, it is necessary to return to a quiet balanced state and reasonably to work.

Why the algorithm is necessary?

to See the child, to look to it in eyes, to listen to maternal heart - such natural desires. However it is quite frequent this simplicity seeming, and it can lead to serious psychological problems both at potential mother, and at the child.

from the child. It is very naive to think that children, even small, do not understand why you appeared in their life. Adult children realize that they are chosen that they as if take examination regarding “approaches - does not approach“. Imagine that it “was not suitable“ for the orphan? Imagine force of expectation both the shattered hopes, and the subsequent pain: and so it is necessary to nobody, and here once again you were stuck into it with the person, you - bad. Little children even in safe children`s home can accurately not realize that occurs, but to feel: on a situation, on a spirit of personnel. In fact, to feel the same that the head more adult understand: you are estimated, you are chosen. For certain they already had to see how to someone the aunt came and communicated in an individual order. Personally. Allocating from group of other children. Smiled to other child, took him on hands. And here here can choose you. And can appear time in your life, and then disappear - perhaps, it already was in life of the kid on whom you took the direction. Believe, it is very serious trauma, and it is better to try to avoid it.

it is not easier than

for the Adoptive father too. As it awfully sounds, but the child can not suit you. This child to you though looking at a photo you were sure that you found the son or the daughter. There are cases when adoptive parents meet the child, literally fall in love with him, and then receive some particulars about his health or biographies which force them to write refusal. Or the child is at all not such as in the photo - some it pushes away too. There is also just irrational feeling which speaks: no, it is not my child. It is clear, that this - irrational - can be tested only in personal contact. The rest, as for health, abilities, special needs, the facts about a biofamily - to know all to a meeting better, but not later. In other words, it is better to cancel a meeting with the child who, most likely, will not enter your family.

K to what these precautions? Besides a trauma for the child, think also of protection of own mentality. Believe, nerves still will be useful to you - ahead a long and difficult way. And to refuse the child whom you already saw, extremely difficult. Well, just because all of us have the strong feeling of fault: here he is an orphan, and here we leave it in orphan establishment, and it is not known whether there will be for it parents. One business to read statistics about “gain“ of orphans and absolutely another to see this “gain“ in persons.

Sense of guilt leads

to serious psychological injuries if you decide that it is not your child. At heart all of us understand that even not the not most suitable family for the child will be better, than any, and here we told, “let`s not give you chance though it can be the last“. And happens and so that future parents nevertheless decide to take the child though understand that him it will be very difficult that they wanted not such kid. Such stories can also have a happy final - hardly, but nevertheless the taken place family. And can - tragic when the child is returned (and this already very serious trauma almost equal on force to that grief which the child already tested, having remained the orphan) or all life of a family does not develop safely.

So, your main task - to learn as much as possible about the child to a meeting with it, to perform independently work on “combination of a family and the child“ which is extremely seldom undertaken by experts. And to be ready to the fact that these experts will not support you will advise “to look at the child and to solve“. It is clear, that should be looked, but let it will be when you already found out that your family has no “contraindications“ to this specific child. Try to hold in the head thought that contact with the child - the orphan is a serious responsibility.


It is talked to adults

Agree about a meeting with the head of children`s home or orphanage to discuss important points. Yes, with the official direction you will be let at any time, however it is better that the experts working with the child were on the place and are free that you did not get into a situation when you stand in a corridor, preparing for conversation, and the security guard already for the handle of the child conducts. Warn that you will not meet the child before speak that you want. And during discussion imagine every time in what this or that feature of the child in respect of load of you and your family will pour out.

Health. Discuss all diagnoses made to the child with the doctor of establishment. As his diseases what treatment is required as treated earlier proceed. If the child needs a special diet - whether you regularly will be able to prepare that it is necessary. If his disease demands hospitalization - whether will be able to be with it. If operation is required - whether you will be able to organize it. Let will explain you terms (what the sore as it is shown is), and also severity of a disease. One business eczema on bends of hands, another matter - on all body. Define the curable and not giving in corrections of a condition of the child and ask yourself a question: whether you are ready that it will never not be possible to get rid of this or that problem? It is at all not an appeal to look for the child “healthier“, it is just necessary to estimate the opportunities and forces soberly.

Development. Delay in psychoemotional and intellectual development for the child - the orphan - norm. The severe stress blocks abilities of the child, slows down his development anyway: whether it was left right after the birth whether lost a family later. And conditions of orphan establishment, it is as if good it was provided financially, does not allow children to have rather personal contact successfully to be trained and develop, and children can learn without communication with the interested adult not so much. Whether you are ready “to pull“ the child who strongly lagged behind peers? What, besides a stress and living conditions, caused a delay in development? Whether you are ready that the child can be “not as all“, it is bad to study at school, to be obviously “not on the ball“ in talk on many subjects? Whether you will be able to accept it it and in some measure to protect if it faces a negative assessment from people around?

of Feature of the personality. The child the orphan is the person who had the hardest psychological trauma. The births left right after children are those who did not learn mutual human attachment. This is the child in itself who has no experience of trust, relaxation from human proximity. It - anybody`s, and therefore in something too adult, and in something unripe even in comparison with peers. The child who once had a family is a child who experienced the hardest loss, he broke heart. These injuries differently are shown. Children from children`s home can be and absolutely closed and pseudo - opened, rushing to any with shout “mother“. Children`s home children more prickly, mistrustful, protected. And all the same all children different, even in barracks conditions. Talk about character of the child, about his habits, interests. Whether you will be able to sustain its character whether are ready to give development to abilities?

of Biosemya. Learn as much as possible about a biofamily and contacts with relatives. If mother left the child in maternity hospital and disappeared in the unknown direction - it is one case. And all the same information on a biofamily is important if you do not plan to suppress the fact of adoption and are ready that the child will want to find the bioparents. However, perhaps, someone visits the child, someone is interested in his destiny. Whether you are ready to accept it together with these contacts which have for it value?

What to do with all this information? How it was difficult, the best option (especially if information not so safe as it usually and happens) - to be developed, leave, day to think. Your direction still works, time is, and the decision has to be responsible and weighed.

Personal meeting

So, you decided that you are not confused that you learned about the child before acquaintance, and you decided to meet it personally. Whenever possible, try to take a detached view at first of the child. When the group walks on the platform, for example. Sometimes resolute “no“ arises just from appearance of the child, just irrational “no“. In this case, having avoided personal contact, you will preserve mentality to yourself and it. Of course, it is good to see the child on video, but this opportunity is extremely rare, not everywhere there are volunteers who can make shooting. Therefore it is necessary to look here so - with half an eye, and only after that to decide: to go for personal acquaintance or not. As a rule, if to pass all previous stages quietly, without haste, then acquaintance to the child will already take place quietly: the decision is almost made. And it is important also for future parents, and for the kid.

What to tell to the child and how? It is everyone solves for himself - a question individual. It would be reasonable to tell, what is your name, to ask how call the child (if he speaks). Anyway, it is necessary to address the child by name. Some adoptive parents directly said to children that they would like the child, which would veins of the house with them. Some just get acquainted, suggest to play, draw together. Some tell about themselves, show a photo if are already almost sure that they will take the kid.

Reaction of the child can be different. Someone easily makes contact, someone - is not present. It says nothing about how there will be your further relations: whether there will be a deep attachment with that child who, it seems, and does not want to know you and whether it will be easy with the one who at once jumped on knees with shout “mummy!“ . Reaction of the child depends on what his temperament and character, as he was accustomed to survive with the broken heart. Newborn children can only cry at you on hands at all - and it does not mean at all that they do not want that you were their mother. Just they saved up internal pain which they cannot neither realize, nor express.


Upon termination of the first meeting to the child that you will come also tell when even if it is absolutely small. The personal promise and its performance - it is important for contact establishment.

Forgive to

, I not your mother

not all pass

In reality smoothly. Can give you unreliable information about the child, bring him into an office while you talk about it. Simply “to put in hands“ that you with it took a walk and unloaded tutors... Generally, even well planned and well prepared acquaintance can glitch. And here you smile to the child, you feel madly sorry for him, there is a wish to rescue him, but having come home you understand that you will not cope: he will not get on with your blood child, the child caused in you rejection, you understood that you were mistaken about age and would like to find the child is more senior or are younger - the reasons there can be a weight. And you have full authority to them - to destroy life of the available family and to take it in children`s home which will not be to you in pleasure is big risk both for you, and for it. These are heavy emotions which are very difficult for worrying. The main thing - to find forces in this situation to admit that your decision - “no“. The following step - to say goodbye to the child. Even if you promised nothing to it, he will wait for you. Inexplicably even small children who also theoretically do not imagine what is a family “read out“ our intentions and test hope - probably, at the person the requirement to be someone`s and with someone “is tightly stitched“. The child needs to tell that you do not appear in his life any more - it is blow, but it is not so terrible as expectation and the subsequent loss of hope.

If to you sick and it is a shame to

- cry, apologize, be sincerely. But tell that you made the decision for yourself. Tell the child that he fine and remarkable, a problem - in you. You understood that you will not be able to become his mother - and it is honest. You do not say that it will be better for the child in orphanage or that at you it will not be pleasant to it - do not shift to it the decision even indirectly, be responsible for yourself. Ask forgiveness and accept any reaction which will be given by the child. Most likely, will seem to you that he did not understand what occurred though actually it not so.

to Achieve such farewell appointment to the child happens very much and very not easy - the personnel of child care facilities often consider that children do not need it that it is an excess stress. It is not necessary to provoke the conflicts, certainly. But try to be convincing to achieve this permission. It is important both for the child, and for you. Even if it is about the baby, absolutely little man.

I Hope, the situation when it is necessary to speak “no“ to you nevertheless will manage to be avoided. And then you should communicate with the child at meetings which and he, and you will look forward pleasure, awe. And then they will come to the end because you will take away the child home.