We set restrictions. Part I
In the ideal world children do that you speak to them, from the first and cease to do what is not pleasant to you when you about it ask them. Actually, children will subject your patience to much more serious check. Positive and creative approach will make life much more simply, but you need also to decide what restrictions you want to set concerning behavior of your children and that for you is accepted and that is not present.Many families which were taking part in the Small Angels program wanted
that we gave them rules which need to be followed. We wanted that parents for themselves defined what they want. After that we offered them at strategy choice which they could use to achieve it. So now the moment suitable for you to think over what restrictions you would like to set concerning behavior of your child. It is time to create some borders.
When we got acquainted with four-year-old Nikola Georkhiu, her behavior was absolutely uncontrollable.
She squealed, shouted and fought to force the mother Christina to continue to nurse it. Christina began to think that nothing will help her child. But all business was that Nikola was not given a clear idea of borders of legal.to All children accurate restrictions are necessary for
to understand rules concerning their behavior. In the presence of restrictions the probability that their behavior is stabilized increases.
- of Restriction are done by expectations clear, and children understand the situation.
- of Restriction are reduced by uncertainty and nervousness, both parents, and children and by that support quiet behavior.
All families different. All have at us various experience, the biography and cultural representations so you and your family independently have to define what have to be your restrictions.
of the Consequence
Whatever restrictions you set, they become real, only when are followed by actions. In other words, children have to know what consequences of their behavior. Especially concerning small children of action words mean much more, than.
the Principle of positive approach consists in the following:
- Good behavior → praise → it is more than good behavior.
- Bad behavior → ignoring → it is less than bad behavior.
the Accurate rule concerning behavior is that instant reaction after its manifestation has huge value for this purpose whether it will repeat, be supported at the same level or to decrease.
the Integrated front
In some families one parent, in others - two, and in some exist the relations with stepfathers and stepmothers. What was your situation if you carry out parental responsibilities together with someone else, it is necessary that you were unanimous and supported each other. If couples cannot reach agreement concerning what they want, it is extremely difficult to set accurate restrictions on behavior of children.
In some families with two parents which we met the problem which we needed to solve was in uniting various expectations of parents concerning behavior of their children. Such distinctions sometimes led to the fact that parents used different ways for controlling children and even swore at their presence.It led
to the fact that children had no clarity concerning what from them was expected, and their behavior worsened.
We observed it in case of three-year-old Ayla Husain who was removed during lunch with parents at restaurant. Her mother Alev did not give to Ayla ice cream as she did not stop eating the main course yet. Ayla Somer`s father “regretted“ it and brought ice cream. The father and the daughter exchanged the understanding smiles, and Ayla murmured to Somer who openly burst out laughing:“ Silly mother“. Consequences were that Somer was undermined by the authority of the wife in the opinion of Ayla, having shown that desires of the daughter mean to it more, than opinion of the wife. Meanwhile Ayla understood that she can behave badly and all the same receive that she wants.
Definition of your restrictions
Nigel and Bianka Price - one more couple of parents who could not reach agreement concerning rules in the house. Bianka considered that Nigel was too strict and exacting, and Nigel thought that Bianka - “kind soul“. During shootings of “Small angels“ they were taken away in cafe (the neutral place prevents quarrels which could arise at home) that they tried to coordinate restrictions on behavior of their children.
They agreed that Bianka has to try to be more strict with children that “no“ really meant “no“. Nigel agreed to try not to shout at it or children when he was upset from - for their behavior. Then they wrote the list of rules for the children which included the following:
- Cannot fight. Cannot bite, be scratched and bleed
- Cannot argue or use swear words.
- to Sit on a chair at a table and not to get down from it.
- Is independently, using a fork and a knife.
- the Dessert only after the main course is eaten.
Having reached agreement concerning these points, they could go home and begin to work on working with a united front.
How to set restrictions
to begin to set accurate restrictions, to you and (if it is necessary) your partner it is necessary to execute the following exercise.
- Make the list of problem behavior which exists in your family (yours and your children).
- Try to unite problems in larger groups, for example, behavior, a dream, food etc.
- Place them on priority degree: problems, require the fastest solution, place in the top part of the list.
- See all problems and write that ideally you would like to change.
- Check the list and be convinced that it is realistic, and you do not expect perfection - eventually, children are children.
- If you carry out parental responsibilities in couple, check the list and discuss it that the ideal behavior in representation of each of you was acceptable for both of you. Remember that both of you, perhaps, should go to compromises. Write to
- the Parental list accurate, positive phrases that you could address it in stressful situations or in case of potential disagreement.
in the course of performance of this task to you should address the diary, in particular a column C. It will allow you to see that clearness can not be enough your reaction to behavior of children, and it leads to an ambiguity of restrictions. You can see that various approaches to education can result in lack of clarity.
If your children are more senior than six years, you can discuss the family agreement at their presence. You can stipulate desirable behavior and consequences of behavior which for you is undesirable. We do not recommend to do it with children is younger than six years.
of Strategy of receiving the fact that you want
Having made the list of restrictions, think how you will try to obtain that they acted.
Remember that these methods best of all work in the warm, loving and happy atmosphere in which your child also receives a lot of attention. Then you should think of use of the strategy for creation given below at your child accurate before? a stavleniye about a situation.Accurately define
what you want
On “the behavioural cartridge“ of Price`s family we saw that Nigel needed 15 minutes to persuade five-year-old Herbie to take a bath. He shouted: “Climb there! Climb there! To me all the same, you want to take a bath or not!“ Nigel quickly flew into a rage and passed to loud shout; then Bianka gently calmed still crying Herbie, saying to him that he “behaved silly“. Various approaches of two parents gave to Herbie more power as he received much as a result of the countries? a behavior leg, but it had no clear idea created by his parents concerning what behavior they expected from it.Many parents who were taking part in the Small Angels program were upset with
from - for the fact that could not force children to do that they wanted. During their viewings of “behavioural cartridges“ often a camp? curled clearly that one of the main reasons for it was the fact that their children had no clear idea of rules concerning behavior. The help to parents in definition of restrictions and studying the technician of their accurate application became the main objective for Tanya, Stephen and Rachelle.Mika and Claire Butler taught
how to explain to children what from them is required, during family walk with their five-year-old twins James and Jessica. The plan was in that Claire and Mick did polaroid pictures of moments when twins behaved well to show that they meant by good behavior. During game in soccer James became angry and tried to hit the father. He was told clearly that if he makes it again, he will not participate in game. When he took offense, he was ignored, and game continued without him.
Having excluded James from game and having continued to take the picture of the having a good time Jessica who behaved well, Claire and Mick showed to James that new rules are established. They created at it a clear idea: if you have anger attacks, you will not have a good time. Eventually James returned to game, and children came home happy that became new experience of communication for Claire.
She laughed: “Usually by this moment we are ready to kill them and we drag them home!“ Accurately explaining at the moments when twins behaved badly, Claire and Mick set new restrictions: from this point the bad behavior will not be encouraged.
Receive what you ask
“They do not obey me at all, - Tracey Elmor said about the three-year-old triplets. - They just run away and do not think of listening to me“. It was not pleasant to it any more how its own voice sounded: “My neighbors hate it because I constantly shout: Do not do it, do not do that, will be enough, from me it is enough, just leave all! “
The fact that children ignored parents when those asked them to make something was a widespread problem of the families addressing in Small angels. Cathie Cooper asked the sons Jay and Owen to make something again and again, but all of them equally did not want to make contact. Tamara Karrera tortured remarks of the four-year-old son Keanu to such an extent that he considered it as a normal manner of conversation and ignored it. Mandy Elson constantly shouted at five children and could not achieve anything. In any way of team did not reach them.
Think how you ask the children to make something, and then ask yourself the following questions: whether
- is Asked by me more than two times? whether
- I Cry out the instructions from the very beginning? whether
- my words as as if I speak lightly Sound?
positively any of these questions, you are too: a) you saw, b) you shout or c) you lack the authority.