Rus Articles Journal

To love or suffer?

Often you hear this statement adjoining on mysticism:“ without sufferings of love does not happen“. Or poetic “the love never happens without grief, but it is more pleasant than grief without love“. Well, perhaps, the easy grief still can be allowed and whether here it is necessary to allow sufferings and whether really without them the love, and in general pleasure is impossible? Let`s try to understand.

Actually, all sufferings from one - we expect that we will treat us definitely (in the head, as a rule, there are even an accurate picture and the approximate text), and in practice belong a little differently. Or we want to have in the relations something (fidelity, or ease etc. - at everyone the list), but, having fallen in love, we receive other. Range of desirable and valid is huge - from a disagreement of household trifles to a manhandling and domestic violence. And all this means love at least in the anamnesis, and is frequent - even in process.

it would Seem to

, many psychologists, including also the author of article, constantly remind of a personal responsibility for life, about what to want something and as a result to receive - naturally, and we form our world own thoughts. And here the hitch for some reason turns out: it seems, wanted in marriage for the prince, and the husband - the alcoholic from a communal flat got. The principle does not work? Works. The question is in what we trust really in. That is, we put emotional energy. If we latently do not trust in a real possibility of the prince, then he will remain a pipe dream, and here the fear of the husband - the alcoholic (who if to rummage, will be too because quite so it turned out at mother and at the sister) will become reality. Because we dream of the prince as if for fun, without believing in reality of the fact that it can really happen, and here fear - it real, live and real.

Here now anew the family attic also makes sense to everyone to visit

and to try to understand what factors interfere with development of the scenario without excess sufferings and what increase its probability.

our beliefs are our beliefs. It is possible to call belief belief only when it is passed through experience millstones. If it is not passed through it, then it is not belief, and just a hypothesis. Beliefs we live, and it is very difficult to us to replace them, meanwhile as it is easy to reject a hypothesis.

we Will assume

, mother (for the best) often compared you to the daughter / son of neighbors / friends, keeping saying: “Well you cannot as Tanya / Sasha, here, look what they are good fellows?!.“ And if you also sweet were deprived for the fact that you could not as they, then business is thin at all. Because installation all the same will get into subconsciousness sooner or later:“ love and praise it is necessary to deserve heavy work “, “ I - am worse than others “, “ it is necessary to pay for any offense, I cannot be forgiven“ and so on. Mother, speaking to psychology language, tried to create to you motivation, and created belief. And negative. And from these beliefs your further life is built.

you cannot present

that someone will fall in love with you just like that, such what you are and therefore you will unconsciously come across such man whom long it is necessary either to win, or to tear off from the previous family, or from work in own favor. And it is possible, it surrenders at discretion, and it is possible, this fight will last for years with variable success.

Or (we will assume, you are a man, all this works without essential amendment for a floor) you find

such who constantly changes on the left - to the right, and you spend the whole days in heavy thoughts that all men something it is better than you. Therefore your passion someone steadily admires other - whether it be the neighbor with whom the petty intrigue, or the priest - a star about which it is possible to sigh constantly is started. And for some reason the wife cannot stop the final choice on your person in any way though for a long time put a stamp in the passport with you and even gave birth to the child.

A it is possible, will manage to fall in love with the one who will reproach constantly and painfully you with each your mistake (and who does not do them?) and you will constantly feel guilty, trying to be better and better very much, and it will turn out worse and worse because people can be tired of it. And still there can be many other scenarios, but an essence at them one: your beliefs played with you a dirty trick, and dreams of the fantastic prince or a lucky star and will remain fairy tales for a mood raising.

But all always have a natural and logical question: “and what to do?“ Beliefs were got in the course of experience, experience created beliefs, and beliefs define our life. I intentionally used the word “beliefs“ because they do not reflect objective reality, but well illustrate subjective. In the course of formation of beliefs we listen to that and to those who or that have for us emotional value. But children`s emotions - they still the first, fresh, and here adult emotions go on a knurled track of the created beliefs for a long time. All of us time repeat a number of children`s scenarios with modifications.

However, something, nevertheless, changes. Because we are not always strained and we are in power of the beliefs limiting us, say, you got a job on acquaintance: the friend recommending you especially promised nothing, told that he will talk. You also did not hope. And therefore when you were called on interview, you also did not manage to be frightened - that plainly - the head was rather busy with the question “what to put on?“ And therefore your beliefs which are holding down you did not manage to come into force and to spoil to you a holiday. And exactly as a result of it you “were lucky“ - you for some reason (suddenly?) inexpressibly it were pleasant to the administration and right there took you on a good salary. And you also did not expect. It is a high time to begin to form new belief that “it is possible to get a job easily and simply“. But the worm of doubt can make the way inside again and begin to undermine your thoughts: and suddenly I was taken only because this position actually temporary? Or I was pleasant to the chief as the woman (and the chief to you at the same time is deeply not nice)? And instead of just taking and be glad, you begin to look for convulsively a dirty trick, to be exact what you have to pay for this pleasure. Well and, of course, sooner or later you find.

Happens and so that the person lets pass to new beliefs. But to operate this process, it is necessary to know several simple rules.

  1. Deep layers of subconsciousness always look for freedoms. That is constantly demand periodic weakening of control of consciousness and together with it weakening of actions of those installations (that experience) that for a long time became automatic (i.e. got into the top layers of subconsciousness). Beliefs are not always useful, more precisely, they are useful when the child acquires new experience and gets used to communicate with specific people (mother, the father, relatives), and then, entering other strips of life, old experience becomes ballast of which deep subconsciousness seeks to get rid. And it forces intense consciousness to recede from time to time. You remember the moments when on you the state similar the not turbidity suddenly gushes over the childhood? Such here simple pure pleasure that you live? These moments also should be caught. In them it is the simplest to realize uselessness of old experience, to give itself some necessary dressing down, “to begin to see clearly“ concerning the relations. Through some time you learn to understand at what moments and under what circumstances subconsciousness relaxes consciousness more often, and you learn to create these circumstances. And there and experience positive will begin to increase critical weight.
  2. you are obliged to pay in
  3. to nobody in nothing For pleasure. Who told what in yours life has to be bad more, than good? Who built for you this law? At reality the law one - development. If you, pursuing one aim and having reached it, right there you do not put another - yes, the risk really is that the reality will begin to destroy your achievements. And not because the amount of pleasure in your life exceeded conditional norm, and therefore only that you rested on monasteries and decided that achieved already much, it is time and to have a rest. The universe does not accept this. The person cannot stand: if it does not move forward - it moves back if does not create the world, then destruction, in the person or around it begins. And these fluctuations happen in the natural way, but in general the situation can develop so that for sufferings not the most important place will be taken away unless for a reminder on development and experience of natural losses. Even if to proceed from the law that everything in the nature strives for a certain balance it turns out that 99% of people suffer from nearly 99% of time. If it was 50%, hardly someone so strongly would complain. And the majority most often perceive the life and the relations as constant sufferings.
  4. you - it is not worse than
  5. and it is not better than others, and the reality does not impose any special requirements to you. I will not argue with the fact that everyone in life has the mission and the appointment. But at you there is exactly so much forces which are released by the nature and mental data to lift this mission. Also you should not nod that Petrov has more talents. Nobody knows how many Petrov will live and as. And you have fact that at it everything developed till a time at first sight best of all only your too critical assessment of the situation. And you can not know much about Petrov. Nobody charged with any terrible cross you, except one case: you decided to take it. And from this situation there are only two exits: or (if all this your conscious choice) carry him with advantage and look for other resources of love, pleasure and strengthening of spirit, or (if to you it is thought that it to you was imposed) - have courage to throw. All the same at the end of the way you hardly receive something else except disappointment.
  6. you to nobody have to nothing to
  7. . Yes, it is. Perhaps, the only exception is made by minor children, physically dependent on us. But to look at our country - so pretty often neglect also this law. If parents decided to bring you into the world, then they and only they were responsible for this act and its consequences. If you decided to bring into the world of the person - you are responsible for it till a time. And that only till a time. The second party of a medal is that nobody owes you, and you can demand nothing. Any relations can and have to be under construction on the principles of a voluntary consent of both parties (just such human relations most longer last and are least of all subject to destruction). You can and have the right to establish borders at own discretion. You nobody can force to communicate with those with whom you do not want, as well as you cannot force anybody to communication and maintenance of the relations with you. If you, nevertheless, do it, then it is called manipulation. And in reply you will receive the same, multiplying not love, and, besides, sufferings.

Considering these realities, trying to comprehend them, seizing the moments of relaxation of consciousness, you will be able sooner or later to begin to shift the life towards quieter and comfortable state. And together with it to gain more positive life experience, forming other beliefs. Nobody says that it is possible to become “eternally blissful“, without suffering from any anguish at all, but it is possible to become much happier and at some moment to say: “Yes, in general at me everything in life is good!“