Female complexes: it is from the nursery of
We earn money and we raise disobedient children, we direct people, we succeed in science, we teach students... But the complexes sounding by a mother`s voice at any time can spoil everything. How with them to be?I ugly
As am born
a complex? “Always spoke to me: Here beautiful, she everything in life easily will get your sister, and you... good girl! I hated the person for a long time. Then, already when entered the institute, coped with it though whether coped...“ - admits 35 - summer Lena. And Irina, mother of two children, tells: “At the father of the politician was simple - what you inept, awkward and it is not necessary to anybody“. When I became adult, asked the father: “What for?“ the Answer just killed me:“ That you wanted to prove me the return and did not assume airs“.
“Any assessment in what occasion it was exposed, draws attention of the child, - the psychologist explains, to. item of N Zhanna Shopina. - Earlier he also did not think of the appearance or mind, and here suddenly open for him eyes. Or what is very unpleasant too, compare to someone another. What occurs as a result? The child is accented on what did not become a fruit of its own efforts“.
I all trouble consists that similar estimates usually for the first time sound at that age when the kid unconditionally trusts the adult. He perceives everything that is told by mother, the father, the teacher in kindergarten or the aunt as a reality, remembers very for a long time. And by what more child is open for the world, the more trustful it, the bigger harm to it is done by such words. Further, living with this feeling of own “nekhoroshesta“ and “nelyubimost“, the person cannot fully develop.“ And children, - Zhanna Shopina says, - at all the plasticity most of all want to please adults. Internally, unconsciously, from the birth all of them want to be good“.
Besides, the child until it reached teenage age yet, most of all needs expression of love in the address. And, if mother discusses his appearance with the child from time to time, she thereby specifies the direction where and as it is possible to deserve this love. So when the girl asks mother: “I am beautiful?“ - actually she waits for the answer to a question: “You love me?“
- You not beautiful, but pretty.
- to You, with your thick anklebones (a short neck, a long nose, curve legs, thin clavicles), such clothes cannot be worn! Well you sing
- - just howl as a wolf!
- Should be sung in a different way.
- Yes, not in us the girl... spoiled breed.
? In - the first if to give estimates, then with advantage. For example, to tell: “What you beautiful today, are so fine brushed“. Or: “Perfectly you picked up a hairpin to a dress“. Or: “When you skate, you are such graceful!“ The main idea that this the child himself earned an assessment it depended on his efforts.
In - the second if parents so want to discuss his appearance with the child, it is the best of all for div to attribute this appearance to generic terms. The girl is fat? Tell it about that, as your mother, both her mother, and the aunt were full, and it is a family sign. If an aquiline nose, explain that such nose is descended in your family and all are proud of it. In this case the inferiority complex will have no place to undertake, and there will be no this anguish:“ At me not as at all“. And in addition the child will feel stronger the communication with a sort, with a family, it will have such important and necessary feeling of reliable “back“.
I, in - the third, teach the girl to make of beauty light. When you watch film or pictures, you communicate with people, note beauty in people, landscapes, animal. Give the chance to admire it as it is done by artists. Let the child will understand and will feel that beauty brings pleasure.
I am a defective woman
As the complex is born? “You are a girl!“ Among all phrases with which we were tormented in mother`s childhood (someone neatly called them “mamizm“), this is the real hit. What only to it was added: “therefore has to be accurate and make a bed“, “therefore has to wash always hands“, “therefore has to behave decently, but not rush like mad“ etc.“ As I was enraged by this phrase, - Yulia remembers, - by the way, it did not promote love to an order“. Growing, the woman herself already also cannot understand why all the time it seems to her that she is not absolutely real woman.children most often hear
of the Maxim about “the real girls“ in 5 - 10 years when they still by and large feel sexless. It then, becoming younger teenagers, they realize themselves boys or girls - and then it will be very important to help them with what psychologists call “identification with a floor“. For now the child (irrespective of, the boy he or the girl) wants to run, climb everywhere, to try everything. And suddenly there is a ban based that “you are a girl“. It is possible for boys - it is impossible for girls. If bans repeat in different interpretations, then the girl can have a disgust for the floor - and already she has already a ring in a nose, bare the shaven head and very broad trousers. Parents who wanted to develop feminity in the girl received the return result.Harmful words
- U you hands grow at
not from there.
- to the Girl cannot rush so, it is indecent.
- the Girl has to be modest, and you laugh loudly at the top of the voice.Unless the girl can not clean
- the room?
- you Will behave so - in a hem you will bring.
? Until the child did not enter middle school age, that is years to ten, it is not necessary to focus attention on what it a floor. And when the daughter begins to be actively interested in all “girlish“, here it is possible to tell her about all advantages of her floor. But about advantages, therefore the main thing that the girl has to feel, - pleasure from the fact that she is future woman.
Can pay attention: you are flexible because you are a girl, you can wear such beautiful clothes, you feel more thinly. From whether you will be able to find the correct words now, depends whether the girl will hesitate and be afraid of the wakening feminity, to hide the growing breast and to sob from the first monthly - or to be proud of the fact that it turns into the woman.
“Important only, - Zhanna Shopina warns, - at this moment not to go too far and not to make of the daughter a doll with mumpish sponges to whom all have to only because it a female: “I am a girl, let boys give way“.I am necessary to nobody to
As the complex is born? “Yes who such in marriage will take you!“ - parents in every possible way repeat. It is considered that they act for the best, forcing to be economic, accurate, polite etc. The reasons in order that “nobody took“, always are much: and difficult character, and in the room it is dirty, and for itself did not wash a cup.
I, the strange business, all words told by parents, as a rule, materialize in life of children. “I will not forget a refrain from the beginning of my memory and before withdrawal from the parental house You will not be taken in marriage! executed by all family chorus, solno... As in water looked! We live with the father of my daughter the fifth year as friends are goofs, under anesthetic you will not bring us in a registry office, tender and family roles in general were lost somewhere on the road... With shudder I represent myself the wife“ - Angela cheerfully tells. There are also less optimistical results of “education“.“ Often heard: to whom you such will be necessary? Now I feel guilty to the husband for what at us in the apartment is not sterile at all, not as it is necessary and somewhere on a subcortex it is written down that by all means will bother it soon; rubbish and dirt; and he will throw me...“ - Natalya whom already for thirty tells.“Repeating“
who such in marriage will take you“, - Zhanna Shopina says, - parents initially put thought that the girl will surely depend on someone. So at the girl the subordinated position is brought up, programmed - and from here legs at drama family stories grow. Those when the husband does everything that wants only because feels dependence of the wife. Unconsciously (and as we already know, told by parents goes deeply to subconsciousness) the grown-up girl in any relations will feel fear of “exposure“: at any time the husband or darling learns that actually she does not deserve love.
- you will not enter the institute - you will go to work as the janitor (the dishwasher, the secretary, in trade).
- with you nobody will get on With your character.
- the husband in a week will run away From you if you behave so. what easily gets is not appreciated by
? the Main value which we have to give to the child, - to teach him to appreciate itself, to listen to own feelings and emotions. Have to teach to analyze words and acts. And when the child is guided by stamps even if also parental, he ceases to trust himself. For women it is especially bad.“All of us understand
, - Zhanna Shopina says, - that the woman conducts a family, builds up the relationship. Yes, if it is necessary, it allows the man to play the head of the family. For this reason it is so important to woman to learn to reinterpret every time a situation and the relations to understand how to arrive further“.
At me nothing will turn out
As the complex is born? Usually it happens to children of the hyper sponsoring parents. The kid sings a favourite song, and mother right there: “Is not present, you sing incorrectly, it is necessary here is how!“ And the kid becomes silent. The girl sends drawings to a competition, she is told right there by the father: “Do not think out, you have no talents, teach the mathematician better“.Having toldto the daughter: “Holy Christ, well what ballet if you weigh 50 kg“, you will achieve only one - it will cease to share with you the dreams.
“In the ninth class, - the marketing manager Oksana tells, - I decided to prepare for receipt in theatrical institute. But after words of mother such as you, will lose a dime a dozen, only year there; I drooped. Without approval of mother was afraid to undertake something“. As a result, by Oksana`s recognition, many years she was engaged not in to what the soul lies, could not analyse the complexes yet. And Yulya, mother of the five-year-old son, notices that the favourite father`s phrase:“ There is no fool worse, than the fool with an initiative“ which was said in any its attempts to show independence, for a long time beat off desire to take the responsibility for something.
If to the girl is said that it armless, it is senseless to hope that it with pleasure will undertake sewing or will begin to think out culinary masterpieces. Children willingly do what at them turns out. And here to create a situation when it seems to the child that at him turns out, in forces only adults. If the girl with enthusiasm helps mother to wash the dishes even if it is awkward, then it is enough to tell once: “Badly at you it turns out“ - more it will not return to this occupation voluntarily.“ For this reason, - Zhanna Shopina says, - I consider that at younger school age of an assessment are harmful! They it is fixed as a label. Also chronic “laid-back persons“ or “note honors pupils“ grow up, what is even worse, because they all life are torn not so much behind making something is good, and behind that highly appreciated.Harmful words Nothing cannot be done to
- tyap - a mistake.
- If got down to business, then finish. you in an amicable way it is impossible for
? Instead of knocking into the children`s head a certain truth which is obvious to adults should give to the child the chance to see results of the acts. Even if wrong.
should not start washing up badly washed cup with grumble - praise the girl for diligence better, and you will wash up then. To expect that the child from the first steps will finish everything, to give fine results, fondly. Children learn the world, and how the world responds, they judge also themselves too.
I, at last, the most important prevention of complexes is a trust. The sincere rush of the child whatever silly it to you seemed cannot be derided. If the daughter dreams to become a ballerina, it does not mean at all that she will surely go to come to choreographic school. Perhaps, it just likes a tutu or some ballerina. But, if you at once react with words:“ Holy Christ, well what ballet if you weigh 50 kg“, - you will achieve only one - next time she just will not share the thoughts and dreams.
A trust - very important thing in the child`s relations with parents. (And the girl especially) it is very important to teenager to know that he can discuss the problems with mother. And even not so much to discuss how many to be uttered - without receiving estimates and condemnations. > It is sometimes easier for p to transfer to
the feelings in writing therefore it is possible to suggest the girl to write the letter (or to begin to keep the personal diary). Or, if the teenager categorically does not want to share with you now, then it is not necessary to force him to tell everything at all. It is rather simple to tell: “If you want, I am always glad you to listen and to help“.