How to become the good father for the adult child of
the adult`s Eyes
the heaviest, apparently, behind. The first three months at new work, thank God, ended. Everything was not as bad as I thought. But all - is good that I did not neglect study at university, I should apply the knowledge at work now if I want to achieve success in career in the next several years.Yesterday I spoke
by phone with the father, he asked how everything passed. I told that everything is fine though there was one unpleasant day when I had to reprimand the controller of shop. I not really like to do such things.“So why you it made
? - the father asked. - Perhaps, it for a long time in this company. It is unpleasant to it that some yesterday`s school student teaches it as it is necessary to work“.I know
Ya that the father does not wish me anything bad, but begins to irritate me that he still considers me as the child. I was employed for this work because I studied well and I have the best results of examination.in
Ya it was trained in this company, and control of that work went without failures belongs to my duties. I have the right to carry out the duties, just because to me already the third ten.
Ya not the twelve-year-old guy playing computer games I am already adult. I am a man. I hope, sometime my father will understand it... >
How to release from itself the child
it is Not always easy for em to be the good father for the adult child. As our parental experience begins with that moment when children are born, we quickly realize that their wellbeing completely depends on us. And though children grow, develop and become more and more independent, it is difficult to many fathers to get used to this thought. Even when children reach majority, it is extremely difficult to some parents to believe that they do not need any more that to them helped to survive and try to obtain success in life. Parents often think that without the vigilant management children will be led astray.Though such relation probably suits to
parents (and it indeed), it does not promote development of the normal adult relations with children in two reasons at all.
In - the first if fathers do not recognize that their children became adults, they automatically assume that it is regularly necessary to help further them and to edify them. Unfortunately, the fact that it seems necessary from the point of view of fathers usually is only a hindrance for children, and for this reason over time the relations can become intense.
Some, perhaps, think that the desire to interpose in the matter of children gradually passes by itself when children become adults. That is why so many people at forty-year age complain that their parents still consider them as children and offer the councils when it is necessary and when it is unnecessary, and sometimes directly say what to do.
One more widespread mistake of parents who cannot release the adult children is that they do not feel satisfaction from life as continue to consider children most important in it. When it is not necessary to care for children (because those, obviously, live separately, own life), emptiness is felt, and this feeling will not abandon parents until they are not able to release the children psychologically.
the Problem, of course, not only that the father cannot release from himself the child. Many matured children hardly separate from parents. It occurs not because they are not ready to live independently, but just because it is much simpler to live with parents, than independently to provide and serve itself. It is not necessary to pay on a mortgage, to pay a municipal tax (Council Tax - a tax which each British family has to pay the local government depending on the area and the cost of the house, the apartment and so on - Primech. perev.) it is not necessary to cook food, dirty linen as though on wave of a magic wand becomes pure and smoothed out... It is simple to call those advantages which the child who it is necessary to live with parents has. That is why more and more adult children even after thirty years continue to live with the parents.to
It is obvious, we have to be flexible in the relations with the adult children. I do not suggest you to turn right there the child out and to force it to take full responsibility for myself as soon as to it eighteen is executed or twenty one years, I suggest not to forget about the fact that the good father for the adult is not the same that the good father for the small child at all. If not to take this distinction, then ninety nine percent from hundred into account that both parents, and children as a result will suffer. >
This important distinction it is much simpler to p to understand
of Strategy for parents in the second phase if to present all parental life in the form of two separate phases. The first phase lasts since the birth of children to their eighteen-anniversary. The second phase begins with age of eighteen years when our children under the law become adults, and lasts for the rest of the life. > it makes sense to tell to
In such context p about different strategy of parental behavior in the first and in the second phases. We do not need too large number of such strategy (as if we are capable to release children from ourselves, then our direct participation in life of the matured children becomes less significant over time), but some principles to which we could adhere to make the second phase of parental life easier and effective are absolutely necessary for us.
It is possible, the best way to describe strategy is to consider how life of our children changes in process of their growing. As soon as we define what there pass our children through, we will be able to develop ways of the help and support to it which will be both pertinent, and unostentatious.
Age from 18 to 29
the First decade of adulthood of the child in general the most difficult period for all who have to it relation as at this time there is a reorganization of both parents, and children. At this stage of life the child will investigate the reality surrounding it and to make important decisions which can exert basic impact on several next decades of his life. Your child should choose a profession, the place where he will live, to define the hobbies and interests and so on.
to the good father at this stage needs to learn to release from itself the child and to allow it to lead own life. Passed eighteen years since you began to teach it to everything that you know, bringing up own example, but now he has to make a choice how to live further. The basic principles to which you can follow, the following.
- does not need to be counted that your children will make decisions which you surely approve. As each person is individual, they will surely do something what you do not agree with. Be from the very beginning ready and remember that they have full authority to arrive with the life as will want. Their decision to adhere to some beliefs and values will not be obligatory to mean at all that they do not love you or do not respect your lifestyle, it says only that they feel rather independent and sure to go own way.
- do not give advice if you about it are specially not asked, and, of course, do not read to children lecture concerning the chosen way of life, habits only because personally you like something else. If you constantly give advice which is not asked, it eventually will lead to the fact that you will begin to be perceived as the annoying grumbler, and you will arouse only indignation. Be impenetrable
- for shocks. In the same way as you, of course, spoke in due time and did such things which could shock your own parents, and your children will probably do the same, but already considerably having moved ahead. Just here we observe evolution in operation. Eventually everything changes. Words which were considered indecent twenty years ago are considered as normal part of a daily lexicon now. Things which you consider forbidden or blasphemous, maybe, as are considered twenty years in the nature of things.
- If you is asked to give advice, give it, but do not wait that children will surely follow it. Adult children ask for suggestions to listen to the additional point of view. They want to know what you would make in this or that situation. Though one more point of view on their problem can help them to reach the decision, they will probably not follow everything that you will advise.
- Install optimism. Respect identity of your children and inspire the children for that they lived the life fully. What your children need to know at this stage, so is that you are always ready to help them and, despite all differences of opinion which between you are, all of you are members of one team. Be engaged in
- in own life. When your children mature, you will have an opportunity to be engaged in own life. Cling to this opportunity both hands. Find a new hobby, travel more and have no sense of guilt for the fact that you take care of the own life.
Age from 30 to 39
during the second decade of the adulthood most of people become more sedate. They concentrate on the career, many marry and bring children. For you as for the good father, the prospect to become also the grandfather opens. The basic principles which it is necessary to remember during this period, the following.do not forget
- that your children have own rules. For the last ten years of the adulthood your children had to make some important decisions how they will live, and by this time these positions had to become even firmer. The good father has to respect the principles and rules of the children and not to hope that children will have them same, as well as at him. The most suitable way of communication is in behaving with the children as if you the guest, and to express the same respect what you would express to any other owner. Offer
- the practical help. As you will know well already by this time, to provide a family - difficult business, your children, most likely, will estimate any practical help, for example, you can sit with the grandson and so on. Most likely, your grandsons will need your attention so be not afraid to offer the help if you want it. Be careful
- with councils. Do not forget to be careful to give advice when it is not asked.
the Age from 40 and further
When to your children will be 40 years, they will probably begin to approach life from philosophical positions. They will begin to think more of subjects over which they especially did not think earlier (for example, an old age, death, meaning of life and so on) therefore be not surprised if they suddenly want to learn your opinion on it. Some can test that usually call “crisis of middle age“, and will be engaged in revaluation of own priorities and the life in general. All this means that optimum strategy is the following:
- you Impart experience. It is very good to talk to children about your life, about the beliefs and about why you lived the life exactly as lived. We do not say here that it is necessary to give advice, it is necessary just to impart the life experience to give to children the chance to understand that you represent as the personality. During this period your children will be ready to recognize that they not so differ from you as it probably seemed to them earlier. Listen to
- no comments. If your children want to talk to you about the life and about those difficulties which they experience, be ready to listen to them, without giving at the same time advice and without inserting comments. If the child nevertheless asks to give advice, give it from a position of the long life experience which by that moment at you, undoubtedly, will appear. be not afraid to ask
- about the help. By this time you can trade places with the child, and you will fall into such state that you need the help or council. If it happens, then you will see that your children will be simply happy to help you, but they are not capable to read your thoughts so do not wait that they suddenly will offer you the help. Instead talk to them and depict a situation that your children had an opportunity to react as appropriate.
in application, but they will give you the chance to rejoice to the harmonious relations with children when those become adults. Of course, there are also many other principles which we already discussed. They concern both to matured, and small children, for example, the correct communication therefore do not forget to continue to use those principles which approach a concrete situation.