Divorce: what to do with the third?
On statistical data in the Russian Federation in 50 - e only at 11% of children parents were years divorced, in 80 - e years already of 45% the Peak of “ruin of nests“ had on 90 - e when the number of weddings equaled to number of stains, and 50% were brought up in incomplete families.
So if for generation of our grandmothers the family represented firm value, then in the modern world this “value“, apparently, is called big in question if descends on “no“. In the West scientists say about formation of society of “singles“. These are the normal active people often having successful career, not having mental diseases, not having problems with an opposite sex, but persons interested to live one. A cozy family nest for them - an archaic remnant, the sentimental whim flavored with tears of emotion and chimerical passions of soap operas. As for the mother - Russia, the situation is not better.our mothers and grandmothers decided to destroy by
a family extremely seldom, and men became initiators of divorce, as a rule. But a fine half had secret levers helping to send the husbands who yearned on freedom to the necessary course as that: strict measures of trade-union committee, Communist Party committee, complication with career etc. Women were constrained by economic difficulties - difficulties with housing and a low wage level. And “the great observer of customs“ - the public opinion damped a passionate ardor of any couple of lovers: husbands were afraid of a gossip, and women of deprivation of the status of the married woman.
Now in 80% of cases of divorce by initiators are women. And it is not surprising. In - the first, the hierarchy of values changed: personal ambitions, pleasures, career, independence and, of course, freedom came out on top. In - the second, requirements imposed to marriage by women whom earlier the public opinion forced to put interests of a family above personal increased. In - the third, the economic situation changed: for the woman became possible to make successful career that caused full material independence and ability to provide all family.
So all - should keep a family for the sake of children? Would be big delusion to believe that stains can be avoided in principle. Now people appreciate freedom more and more. However, what is not absolutely clear to mean by this tempting and sweet word, so for everyone it has especially individual implication. But, nevertheless, this notorious freedom sometimes demands the difficult choice. Unfortunately, the choice of freedom becomes complicated also what we are forced to consider not only the personal interests, but also interests of children, and, naturally, something to endow something for the sake of them, sometimes the same desired freedom.the Statistics is unfavourable
. Children in incomplete families twice more often throw school or become parents, without having reached majority. The situation does not improve if children regularly meet the second parent or at them appeared “new the father“ or “mother“ If parents get divorced when in a family there is a teenager, then it is even more problems as the psychological problems connected with traumatizing by yet not strengthened mentality of the teenager also are added to problems of awkward age. Children at whom the father or mother died mentally are in the best situation as do not consider himself thrown, unnecessary and unloved.
In 90% of cases at divorce children remain with mothers and often suffer from decrease in a level of income of a family. The child can lose not only habitual bright toys, favourite entertainments, hobbies and a hobby, but also also, become for him traditional, a way of carrying out leisure (children`s clubs, theaters, travel, camp and rest house). The system of collecting the alimony at us is very imperfect and 25% of an official salary often will not be enough and “for bread and butter“. Often fathers treat keeping of children purely formally though now many women make good money and are capable to support the children, but it demands from them big expenses of forces and energy. Such mothers practically do not have time for communication with children, and education is shifted to shoulders of grandmothers, nannies, “five-day weeks“ and boarding schools. In case financial position is far from safe, then children, especially school age, are often provided to themselves and spend time, free from occupations, in the games “from a TV set“. Subsequently it is necessary to pay for such street education expensively.
Very often at divorce parents change the apartment or move to other city, and then all communications, habitual for the child (friends, acquaintances, relatives etc.) fall as children are pulled out from the habitual environment.
It is very sad, but divorce of parents not always relieves children of the intra family conflicts. More than 50% of the divorced parents continue to stay the being able “cold war“ for many years. And then children become the tool in never-ending fights of offense, hatred and the hurt pride. It is possible that at aggressive-minded on the relation to each other of “the loving parents“ the child can become means of blackmail or a starting point of search of a compromise “not digesting one another“ mothers and fathers.
At some parents of the relation after divorce stop in general. And in those broken-up families where mother and the father nevertheless try to coordinate the actions for education of children very few people manage to create really harmonious relations. As “new“ mother and the father, and also the whole flow of “new“ relatives and acquaintances join this problem. > to the Divorced parents it is very difficult to p to find
sincere forces and time to support and “warm“ the child. And such child very much needs support, understanding and love as children of the dispersed parents are dependent more emotionally, than children, brought up in full families. Mothers and fathers after a gap should solve own problems: building relations with the “new“ partner, sharing of property with “old“, search of new work or the apartment. Even if parents find new happiness, then not always children get care and attention fully from first marriage. And more than 25% of repeated marriages break up within five years.
If one of parents leaves a family, then children, as a rule, consider that their existence was not so important for the left father (more rare - mothers). As in our country the child in most cases remains with mother, the father to become coming. And though most of fathers try to keep contact with the native son or the daughter, all the same gradually there is a cooling and alienation in their relations. And then the “coming“ father turns in “Sunday“, and “Sunday“ - into “the father on days to the births“. Inspections showed that after ten years after divorce of nearly 80% of children did not see the fathers more than a year. When men establish a new family, often their affection for new children (native or reception) is stronger, than to “old“ which often remind of unfortunate family life.
Adults can consider divorce as excellent chance “to start everything anew“, but for children it is almost always an indelible trauma. They seldom can accept divorce up to the end and if life in a “new“ family is not pleasant to them, then will dream secretly that “the father will return soon and everything will be as before“.But as if it is absurd
sounded, divorce sometimes is the benefit for all family members. If life to become intolerable of - for violence, insults, drunk scandals, then seldom who will want to keep such family for the sake of the loved children. And opinion of scientists that traumatized by the child at divorce will be the temporary, and compensated the fact that parents happy with the life will be able to grow up happier and healthy children in the mental plan, still remains debatable.
Anyway, but question: to be or not to be to divorce everyone solves individually. And if it happened, then psychologists advise to do everything possible that experience of the child of this fact became less painful.with
In - the first , it is necessary to encourage communication of children with the left spouse and his (her) new family. The father or mother to whom the child comes on a visit should spare his weak mentality and to do so that the child was not jealous the native parent of a new family. Even “opening“ that the father (mother) loves the aunt Galya (uncle Mischa) more, than his mother or the father, very strongly wounds weak children`s mentality.
In - the second , it is necessary to find for the child more time and attention. Children have to know and be sure that they are loved both the father, and mother. It is bad if communication with the child of the left parent is limited only “Sundays“ and “holidays“, children need participation in their private life, the opinion of the adult, and also his councils is very important for them. Otherwise it is possible to lose contact with the child which to restore it is very problematic.
B - the third , children unshakable traditionalists and conservatives. Change of such scale for them - accident. Therefore (if it is possible), you do not hurry to exchange the apartment, to sell giving, to move to other city. For its mentality it is better if remains as much as possible in his life “from the past“: the same school, the same old friends and acquaintances, the same visits to the grandmother and the grandfather.
B - the fourth , try not to deprive it former hobbies and a hobby. It is good to keep near the child of his “former“ favourite popugaychik, small fishes, a cat or a dog. All this will provide to the child illusion of “the past in the present“, that past which was so expensive to it.
B - the fifth , it is impossible to splash out the adult emotions on fragile mentality of the child. Any negative gestures concerning the former spouse, claims, caustic remarks and offenses! First of all it beats the child as he, unlike mother or the father, has absolutely other feelings to the left parent.
B of the sixth , you do not hurry to open for the child the true reason of your divorce. Do not explain the factors and backgrounds which were the cause for decision-making hidden from public eyes “to change life“. You remember - everything is good in its season.