Came the letter:
“Each walk and (especially!) shopping with the child turn for me into test. The son (5 years) constantly asks that to him something was bought . Depending on a situation it can be both a chocolate, and the car with radio control. If in a case with expensive things it is possible to plead (the truth, hardly), having referred to lack of the necessary sum of money, then to refuse to the child acquisition small things it is almost impossible. The little son begins to ache, cry, and I give up. I cannot see how the child worries from - behind similar nonsense. It is simpler to me to buy it this unfortunate chocolate. We will not grow poor! According to the husband and many acquaintances, I indulge the child, but as it is heavy to refuse to the kid! Itself nearly I pay sometimes... Perhaps, there is a compromise solution?“
“I want“, “buy“ - as parents often hear these words from the children! What for special magic into them it is put why they sometimes cause difficult emotional experiences in adults - as, for example, at the author of the letter? It is important to understand in what the reason: it already considerably will facilitate a task. Perhaps, when mother was small and itself stuck with requests to adults, often refused to her. And now there is a peculiar realization of own desires - as compensation: “At me was not, so let at least at my child will be!“ Sense of guilt which is often tested by very busy parents - “business mothers“ and “Sunday fathers“ becomes quite often driving force of parental “spinelessness“: “I work very much, so I communicate with the kid a little, really I will deprive of him small pleasures?“we Will tell
at once: small pleasures to the child are necessary. And even if you are under strained circumstances, at least sometimes it is necessary to indulge the kid. Another thing is that it is impossible (and it is not necessary) to meet all desires of children. Most of parents understand it. But do not know how to tell “no“. And if to consider manipulation by means of tears, a hnykanye, arrangements... The endurance lasts not for long usually, and the adult “breaks“. Mother, without telling the father, the father, without telling mother, the grandmother, without telling both of them, buy to the child about what he asks. It is always easier and more pleasant to give, than not to give, it is easier to agree, than to refuse. But then really you should not be surprised why the child grows at spoiled. Where exit?From “I want“
to “has to“
Some psychologists advise to avoid the situation of emergence of desire “to buy something“, to resort to drastic remedies: for example, to go to shop without child or not to take with itself on walk a purse. Similar receptions work. But do not solve a problem, and only stop it: the kid all the same will ask - will find a way. The matter is that through the period of infinite “I want“ there pass all children. It is very important stage in formation of the personality. Known formula of development:“ I want - I can - has to“. Without the first there will be no understanding of the second, and without the second - the third. From “I want“ claims of the person grow, the desire is the thought generating action.to Want
- to the child it is not harmful at all! He is a full member of a family who, certainly, has the right both to wish something and to ask. Artificially it would be wrong to inhibit his desires. However it is necessary to make certain efforts that requests did not become importunate, did not develop into requirements: the kid has to learn to limit himself in this world full of temptations.
Thus, the issue touched in the letter is as follows: how to react to all nurseries “I want“, on the one hand, not to spoil the kid, and with another - not to fight off him desire in general something to want?
All requests of the child require your attention, even some analysis. The kid how needs a thing which he wants whether really it will please it, will bring benefit? If you resolved: no, - hold the ground. But never you speak: “I will not buy, and all!“, differently only aggravate a situation. It is always important to explain a cause of failure even if it is about a trifle like a notorious chocolate. Here everything depends on a situation.
One mother, for example, convinced the son that “delicacies are much more tasty“ if “do not become boring“. As a result the child agreed to eat the adored chips only once a week. Other mother agreed with the daughter at whom “eyes“ in hypermarket ran up:“ At each trip I will buy to you something one of what you ask. I take not everything that is pleasant to me. If we buy everything - at our place there will be a shop“.
Connect the child to distribution of family means: let will try to make together with you the list of necessary purchases for a certain sum. So he, in - the first, will feel big and important, and in - the second, and without your further explanations will manage to understand that spare cash does not happen. As practice shows, even the kid of four - can explain five years in an available form how the budget is spent (products, a rent, clothes, some monthly payments) and large purchases, trips are planned.
But, let us assume, you analysed desire of the child and came to a conclusion: yes, it would be worth buying. But... too expensive. Well, it is necessary to explain: we have no money now, wait, suffer, save up, at last. There are things on which we want and we can spend the means, and there are things which are for various reasons still inaccessible. And so - in each family, irrespective of the level of the income.Giving to
refusal, the main thing - to understand that you satisfy basic needs of the child, nothing threatens his life and health. It is full, dressed, put, it has books, toys. If you do not start carrying out all desires of the kid, it does not characterize you as bad mother or the bad father at all. Reproaches in own address and sense of guilt in this case are absolutely inappropriate.Wingless dream
However not everything is so simple
. Refusal to refusal discord. For certain each adult can remember that he very strongly wanted in the childhood some thing, but did not receive. A beautiful dress, the “real“ car, the bicycle - it is not important. But these unrealized desires sit in soul a splinter, preventing to be released. No, the person does not accuse parents who for any reasons did not meet requirements of him of anything. In most cases a dress - the car - the bicycle already are also not necessary. But, maybe, that unrealized dream clipped the person wings, did not allow it to believe in the forces and to move surely from realization of one desire to another? Next “I want“
can become very important in the child`s life therefore try to discuss, how exactly to receive that he wants when and under what conditions it will be possible to make a purchase. Why and not to get Very desired thing of which he long dreamed? Not according to the first requirement, and, for example, for a holiday, the termination of a quarter or as encouragement.than
However, with encouragement it is necessary to be more careful!“ You will receive the five - I will buy a ball “, “ we descend to the doctor, and then in toy store “, “ you will vacuum the room - eat ice cream“. It would seem, the incentive for discipline, diligence is found in study, labor education, the problem of gifts is happily solved. But whether we enter with own child relationship of purchase and sale? Whether we replace moral incentive with mercenary interest? Whether we facilitate to ourselves life again? And this method works for the time being: inflation of awards is inevitable.everything I will buy
“Here I will grow up also itself I will buy that I will want“. Already it was necessary to hear it? It is time to teach the child to plan the expenses. And for this purpose it needs to give pocket money. In what quantity and at what age - to solve to you. There are no tough rules. (The problem “How to resolve with the child a monetary issue“ in detail was discussed in № 3 “Grow, the first grader“ for 2008 - the Editor`s note) However it is necessary to understand that money is not encouragement for good behavior or school progress, not a payment for the help with the house, but one of educational tools having the accurate purpose: to teach the son or the daughter to spend money, to make the choice and to bear responsibility for it.
Expenses, of course, will depend on age of the child, his needs and on the fact that it is possible for it or it is impossible - for example if it has an allergy to some products, but he wants to eat them nevertheless. Gradually it is possible to add money for necessary expenses to the sum which is taken away on entertainments and sweets: travel card, circles. Especially you should not control children`s expenditure, but to look narrowly as the child treats money, it is necessary. whether
the kid Spends the pocket money only for himself? Whether willingly agrees to help out money you if is not enough to a salary, to buy a gift to the grandmother, to participate in the general big purchase? And what will be its reaction if once you tell that today you have no money and you will not be able to give funds for pocket expenses yet? Whether he will be capricious or “to stand up for the rights“ or will apprehend quietly?
By the way...When the child declares
the “material“ desires, he quite often tries to compensate thus a lack absolutely of other requirements - in parental attention, new impressions, entertainments. It is no secret that if to find for the kid there is slightly more time, to play with it more often, to try to develop actively its informative, creative abilities, it will torment much less parents with begging of toys and sweets. But it is already other subject...If the child tells
: “I want...“
- Analyse his desire: what requirement stands behind it what is not enough for it?
- Think of the lifestyle: by what principles concerning expenses you are guided? do not feel
- guilty when you speak to the child “no“.
- Give to the child pocket money. Refusing to
- , always “leave a door open“ - discuss when and under what conditions the child will be able to receive that he wants.
- Accustom the child to handle money, to plan the expenses, for example to make the list of necessary purchases for a certain sum. you Remember
- : the best encouragement - yours love and attention.