The family woman wishes to get acquainted
Romantic acquaintance, a wedding and the birth of children - the plan of private life of most of women such is. But happens and vice versa - at first there is a child, and already then young mother thinks: Whether “It is time for me to marry?“
the New family of modern times
in recent years the children born out of marriage appear more and more. But their mothers are not called single mothers any more as it was just 20 - 30 years ago, and are not whispered behind the back, discussing their moral principles. Even nobody feels sorry for them because... no trouble. In most cases now - own choice of the woman, and any lameness from the situation she does not test the child`s birth without husband. Many in general consider such family life ideal and prefer to live together with the child, having insignificant and easy relations with men. Others after time nevertheless plan creation of a full family. And, though each history is individual, conditionally they can be divided into such groups.
- the Woman, understanding that joint life with darling is impossible (it, for example, is married), nevertheless wants to have the child from it. Then begins to look at life is more realistic and it is pragmatic (“The child needs the normal father, and me - the husband“).
- the Woman so with enthusiasm is engaged in career that a full-fledged family for it - just a burden. It it is absolutely uninteresting to be the wife, and, the main thing, is not present on it time. She and the birth of the child postponed for a couple of decades, but perfectly understands that the nature took away for this purpose the same years, as for success in a professional field. Means, nevertheless it is necessary to think of the child. About the worthy husband - as - nibud later... Or she is incapable
- of feelings, or just like that there are circumstances, but there is no darling. It is possible to wait, of course, when it appears - but it can drag on. Mother asks every time when she becomes a grandmother, girlfriends everything go with children and most there are a wish to glance in shop for newborns from time to time. Well why is also not present? And it is possible to wait for love and together.
So turned out. But, having weighed all pros and cons, the woman resolves an issue positively. Eventually, all to the best, and the child to future happiness not a hindrance.
Chances of good luck
... Ania got acquainted with Sasha when her daughter Yulechka was two years old. Thanks to children there was also this meeting - at a playground Sasha walked with the nephew, and Yulya mixed their toys. Ania paid at once attention to how it is cheerful and on - kind Sasha communicates with children. And then, when they already began to meet, its warm attitude and care of the daughter literally moved her to tears. The father did not show so much participation - all his care was expressed in a gift on birthday and the alimony which he wanted to translate officially. But it seeded doubt grain, having learned that Ania is going to get married: “You think, someone needs other people`s children? Look at the chronicle of incidents - you will understand, than the relations with such good stepfathers come to an end“. And then and grandmothers unanimously began to repeat that such interest cannot be sincere that the nonnative child will always be a problem. Ania herself also began to doubt - indeed Yulya for Sasha absolutely others. And unless it is possible to fall in love with the stranger as the?
Fortunately, doubts did not become an obstacle for creation of a family. Ania everything is married. And - never regretted about it though passed many years. Sasha became the remarkable father Yul, and later - to two family, their general with Ania, to children.“ Even it is strange“, - all said around.
of nothing strange. The man can really love foreign child - with much bigger probability, than the woman. Remember fairy tales: and artful the stepmother, but not the stepfather is angry. The maternal love has more biological factors, and mother loves the child already just because he - it. She felt it, lived with it in indissoluble communication nine months. And for the man any, even blood child in this sense - the stranger. And formation of fatherly feelings happens much later - when children grow up and the possibility of direct communication with them appears. So theoretically any man can be the good father to any child, and generally it will depend on his (father) of personal qualities and the attitude towards the child`s mother. In polls only 7% of unmarried and 5% of the divorced men told that the child would be an obstacle for them during creation of a family with the beloved. The others are quite ready to find the wife and the child at the same time.
of the Problem obvious...
Of course, it is impossible to tell that in such families there are no difficulties at all. Cohabitation requires more, than love and good intentions. And, if difficulties of adaptation happen at the newlyweds living together, then couples having the child face much bigger problems.“ I was not married till 35 years - was engaged in work, and, besides, that did not meet in any way only for the sake of which I would leave barchelor life. And when met, it turned out that she - not especially waited for me - at her already was two children. It is, of course, a joke - I at all not against her children live with us and generally even I am glad. But here what I just do not suffer, so it the fact that they rummage on my table and do not allow me to work quietly. On this subject we even had scandals, slightly parting was not reached. But then the wife forbade children to approach my table and the computer when me there is no house. Without charges and reproaches like “You do not love my children“ (what I so was afraid of). We just settled terms which are necessary to me for work. Generally, it was simpler to settle disputed issues“.
New duties, new vital way - it is frequent in order that to In it to get used, time is just necessary. On average adaptation such takes place in a year - if, of course, both are ready for search of the best decisions and are ready to compromises.
... and hidden
Agree, it is a pity that love - such as in the first months of joint life, - does not last eternally. The passion gradually gives way to feeling of attachment, warmth and - let and in good sense of the word - a habit... It not lyrical digression - such state of affairs is conceived by the nature for preservation of life and normal development of the child. Strong feelings are necessary at the first stage of the relations - to increase probability of the birth of the kid, and then, this the birth, they have to be transformed, becoming quieter. A task of parents now - to concentrate on the child. To it it can be very bad if parents and continue to think every minute only about each other, forgetting about everything on light. And here the nature obviously did not provide repeated marriages. And, though there is no real threat for life of the kid in case of love of mother, of course, he all the same will get at this time attention and caress less. And children feel it - even absolutely small. Of course, they do not understand that the jealousy is natural in such situations (and words of it do not know yet), but begin to test vague alarm. Those which are more senior can already assess a situation, find the enemy and in own way interpret it.“ Mother in a different way loves me now and as me, she loves the uncle Seryozha“.
Such moments happen very dramatic, and even at adult age of reminiscence of the novel of mother are unpleasant - let it and ended with the happy general union. So try that your love story was not for the child such heavy and painful. Do not show the feelings to each other too obviously - in any case until the child does not establish the relation with the alleged father too, and tell all truth about your relations. Of course, available language and that “you all the same for me the very best darling“.
to Happiness - to be!
Children easily get used to any situation in a family, and therefore to worry on the fact that it is necessary to grow with the nonnative father, they will not be. However, under two conditions. If their everyday life does not change for the worse and if you assess such situation as positive. You should have no sense of guilt (“Deprived of the father`s child“), pity (“The poor thing, maybe, he feels alone and uncomfortably“) and doubts. If you are sure that you do everything correctly and the child in your family will be happy, - so it also will be. Keep in mind - children love constancy. And the child is younger, the stability factor is more important for its health and development. Therefore family “experiments“, trial marriages - the phenomenon in the presence of the child undesirable. Let the period of your meetings will be longer, let you at first will present the friend another - but about creation of a family to declare better when you are absolutely sure of it. Of course, presence of the man in the house is desirable, but if men change every year, hardly such “full“ family will promote normal development.
What the stepfather has to do if the family is already established? The same, as father. Of course, the relations will depend in many respects on age of the child and experience of the new father, but in general the man has to have all fatherly functions. If all occupations with the child and in general all process of education remains on mother, then it will be even more difficult to get used to the new relations. There is a psychological regularity: the more we for someone try and we do, the more we love it. In a family it should be used. Charge to the father even difficult and responsible actions with the child - a visit of policlinic, walk in children`s park and bathings (to you is more visible that to consider difficult and responsible). If the child rather big to make something together with the father, then and do not neglect an assignment to descend in shop and to make a lunch. Difficulties unite - especially fathers with children.
But whether to call actually new father the father? When? To offer or to wait for the treasured word from the child? It is impossible to answer these questions unambiguously. Everything depends on a set of factors and it will develop very peculiar. One is undoubted - it is not necessary to insist. It is possible, speaking with the child, to mention different versions of the address (“Ask for the father“, “For you Sergey will come“) - as if suggesting the child to choose most. But especially you should not be fixed on this subject. The main thing not how the child calls and that he at the same time feels.
A here manipulations to which children in such family resort very often should be stopped. Otherwise this phrase:“ Of course, you do not love me now, you have a new husband“ - the child will terrorize you all life. Treat similar statements quietly, do not show any emotions and, of course, do not allow to achieve as a result what initially there was a speech about.
Of course, sooner or later the child will ask about the father. It is worth answering all his questions - value of the father in human life is very big, and knowledge of it (and other relatives) helps to realize the place in lives, a nonrandomness of the birth. But, answering, distract from the emotions and negative memoirs (and, of course, all have those). The story about features of character, a profession and explanations that “so sometimes happens in life - that people want to have the child, but then do not want to be together“ - quite enough.
to the child when you have one more, now the general, the child. But special - not in sense big. On the contrary, your excessive participation will be an occasion to reflect that “something here not they are time all around me spin as though I got sick“. Special - in that sense not to allow the senior to separate emotionally, having counted itself superfluous. Perhaps, there is a little more time which you spend with it in private, maybe, some new interesting occupation.
I, by the way, this fine time in order that the relations of the father (stepfather) with the child became even closer - men feel too a little superfluous when in the house the baby.