“Sekond - a hand“ for the kid of
last year in our family there was a joyful event: younger sister of my husband gave birth to the son Mishenka. All of us rejoiced, presented to Mishenka a set of toys and beautiful suits, and I dreamed that I sometime will dress the kid in remarkably too - gentle clothes.
there Passed nearly a year, Mishenka already stamped the small legs when we with Pavel learned: we will have a kid too! Our pleasure was not a limit, a lot of time passed since that moment when we thought of the birth of own child, and we so long went towards this aim. On 22 - y to us with Pavel showed to week on ultrasonography the kid “in all beauty“. We were told that we will have a boy, and from this day Pavel went especially inspired. It already represented how the son to it will help to repair the car as they together will go hiking also on fishing.“ And with Mishka friends will be! - it is proud he spoke. - And when will be born, the clothes will not need to be bought, everything from the brother will get!“ Then I did not take this phrase seriously, and in vain.
the wave of “a nesting syndrome“ gushed Over me after ultrasonography. Having gone to shop and having spent a lot of time near ranks with tiny clothes, I bought several suits, nice bootees and hats. Having come home, I with pride spread out all purchases on a sofa that Pavel could admire too. I was sure that it will have same feelings, as at me, but was mistaken. “And why you bought all this?“ - the husband asked.
“It for our kid“, - was perplexed told by me.“Why to buy
? From Mishenka you know how many clothes remained? To carry - not to transfer! The sister already suggested to give, I agreed. We, of course, have enough money, but it does not mean that they need to be squandered. You will think, Mischa carried. Children quickly grow, and clothes almost like new“, - Pavel told.
U me tears gathered in the eyes. As it: not to buy clothes for the kid? So rejoiced, so waited - and we will not even dress up how there is a wish, and we will use “worn“?
From this day Pavel several times came back to this subject, especially when saw my new acquisitions. He shows discontent (let and not sharp, but nevertheless) and hope that I nevertheless will show a healthy practicality and I will agree to take away things. And recently conversation that we will not begin to buy a carriage too came, and we will take from the sister. By the way, the carriage was unsuccessful, too bulky, and Oksana suffered, wearing out it on a ladder and in the elevator it passed hardly.
Me is touched that the husband does not support me in aspiration to buy for our kid everything independently that at the new little man were new, only to it the belonging things. However sometimes doubts begin to torment me: whether I have the right to demand purchase of new things, he is the only getter in a family now, and I already in a maternity leave. But something rises inside against to reconcile and to buy a dowry. Whether the rights I or me need to be changed the point of view?
the Comment of the psychologist
Future mothers dream of that, the kid will look how exactly, and it is part of awakening of a maternal instinct and formation of a parental position. But, representing the baby already given rise, in the dreams they see also everything that surrounds it. And it both clothes, and a bed with beautiful linen and a mobile, lovely toys. Future mother often represents herself harmonous, carrying a beautiful carriage again (and she knows what this carriage has to be!) . All this naturally awakens a so-called “syndrome of nesting“ which is in preparing for appearance of the kid the room, and also clothes and necessary objects of leaving. On a wave of “a nesting syndrome“ the woman often has almost irresistible desire to begin to buy the first new things and toys for the kid. This process is salutary, it helps future mother to reduce uneasiness and to keep a positive spirit.
But why part of future mothers against to use the clothes and other things belonging earlier to other child? Perhaps, it occurs because it is important to woman to show own position and identity at the choice of clothes and other things. Also, perhaps, it is unpleasant to part of future mothers that the clothes look not new, and in the dreams they are simply not capable to present the child in it. The part of women believes that the clothes bear on itself power of the last owner, and it is not too good for this purpose to whom it passes. Anyway, but it is intuitive choice of each woman - to use or not to use others things, and this choice should be respected moderately financial opportunities of a family and to listen to it partially or completely. What to recommend to future mothers to whom persistently offer others things?
- your choice - it is important. If you do not like thought that your kid will be dressed in something from “others shoulder“, then this your right. In the absence of vital need for it you can quite refuse this help. It is important that you did not doubt the correctness if you are going to defend the position. Confidence - it is important. Explain to
- positively the position. You should not say that you, perhaps, disdain or you consider that on things certain “press“ of others family lies. You speak about what pleasure you derive, choosing independently things for the kid. You give opinions of the psychologists saying about as far as this process of the independent choice is salutary for future mother and her composure. Thus, you will not offend those who wanted to offer you the help, and will manage to argue own point of view. Sometimes mothers, mothers-in-law and husbands draw
- that such help really is not necessary. Sometimes mothers, mothers-in-law and husbands insist on others things, proceeding from economy positions. In certain cases it is justified, and future mother needs really to reflect, whether not to accept the help. But if financial opportunities of a family allow to make acquisitions independently, it is necessary to calculate everything together. Men are convinced by figures. Learn how many there are a carriage, a bed how many it is necessary clothes and for what sum how many will be there are leaving objects. Do not forget about grants and payment of a maternity leave, these means will be able to compensate some expenditure. Perhaps, after such joint calculations the husband will become your ally or will treat, at least, with big understanding to your position.
- If you are afraid to offend... If you are afraid that your, even benevolent, refusal will offend the one who offers you the help, and also you cannot reach mutual understanding, for example, with the husband demanding to take away things, then... agree and take away. It is especially simple if it is about clothes and conditioning agents. You can thank, and to use “gifts“ or to transfer them, say, to those who really needs your personal record. With the husband try to agree that own purchases all the same will be despite the things given by someone. That to convince him, select some of the most extended jackets and ask whether he that his child went here in such things agrees. Most likely, he will agree that new acquisitions are necessary. Slightly more difficultly with the given carriages and beds if they are not pleasant to you. Here more efforts and an individual approach will be required. Try to formulate accurately the reasons for which this or that thing seems to you improper. For carriages and beds are technical characteristics (inconvenience at operation: too heavy, wide, bulky etc.) . Also the coloring of things which it uses is important for any woman. Try to explain to the husband that if you constantly sicken, looking at blue bears on a red background, it is negatively reflected in your mood during the day.
- And still it is good help! However most of mothers who refused to take things of other children earlier change the position over time. It occurs when their own child grows up, and they become ready to give someone things. It does them more loyal and in relation to others things. And while the kid begins to creep, eat independently, to go and the clothes should be changed especially often, mothers with gratitude remember about someone the given things which are stored in a far corner of the apartment.