We look for the kid of
Stories of adoptive parents usually begin with the phrase: “And here we saw our sun...“ And about what preceded a meeting with the kid most of people do not like to tell. Search of “the“ kid - psychologically very difficult process and to remember or speak about it to much it is just sick. However it makes sense to potential adoptive parents to be prepared for possible problems in advance. Though to make it not so - that is simple.When we with the husband told
about desire to adopt the child, he told me one phrase:“ Everything is pleasant to me in this idea. But to choose the child as in the market - it is terrible“. I, it is necessary to tell, turned to his words a deaf ear. Like, what you will do here? It is inevitable, this system so works. However in practice it turned out that it would be better to be prepared, understand to a meeting with this system how it works and to what psychological traps it is possible to get.A little about system
I Will try
“on fingers“ to explain how the system in which there is information on children - orphans is arranged.
In order that the kid could be arranged in a family, it has to receive the orphan status. If parents refused the kid officially, he can be adopted, taken under guardianship or in a foster home. However many children of the status on adoption have no as legally they still have a communication with blood parents. For example, biomother is in places of detention, and it is impossible to deprive of her the rights even if before she did not visit the child in orphanage and its destiny was not interested. Or the child`s parents only - only deprived of the rights, and the term during which they can protest the judgment did not expire yet, “think again“. In these and other cases of the kid it is possible to take under guardianship or in a foster home.
When the kid receives the status “is subject to the device in a family“, it has the personal record and it is attached to regional guardianship of that establishment to which it got, i.e. orphanage or children`s home. Within a month regional guardianship has to try suit the child in a family and if it did not manage it, to transfer information on him to a regional databank (for example, from guardianship of the area in the city situated near Moscow in bank of the region the Moscow region). If this operator within a month does not find new parents, he is obliged to transfer information to the Federal databank www. usynovite. ruIs important
! Data transmission about the child in the higher organization does not mean that regional guardianship or regional bank ceases to care for its device in a family. Also important: the regional or federal databank has the right to give you the direction for visit of the child, but he will agree all the same on this issue with regional guardianship: suddenly already someone began to visit the child, having addressed to the area directly? Suddenly biomother decided to be restored in the rights? Control calls to guardianship in this situation protect both the adoptive father, and the child from difficult stressful situations.Databanks to
Function regional and federal bank are clear to
: to collect information on children in one place. However in practice information and its updating are late. As a result in large banks can not know that, for example, the child already received the status on adoption - and at them it still appears to the guardianship and guardianship which are subject only. Thus, if you look through questionnaires of children “with a view to adoption“, you can lose sight of some kids. Or that the child is visited by potential parents - people who come into contact with the kid, but the consent was not signed yet. The base of children is updated not daily, and once a week or is more rare depending on the region.
What happens to the potential adoptive father in this situation?
In - the first, search of the child is a psychological test in itself. Many even in process of collecting documents look through regional or federal bases and already mentally become attached to the specific child according to the photo. And it is clear: the decision is made quite difficult, procedure lasts, the person can endure and do though something that will bring closer it to future kid. However by the time of when potential parents have a package of documents, the kid already, perhaps, will be arranged in a family. It is a serious stress.
can Avoid it only if by strong-willed effort to force itself to distract from the specific child: not to look through base, not to draw to itself this kid in the life, not to come back over and over again to the photo in the newspaper from the section “I Look for Mother and the Father“. Many adoptive parents passed through experience of disappointment “the child someone took away another“ - at these moments it is worth remembering that your kid by all means will wait for you. Mystical stories when they from children`s home took away the most different kids are familiar to adoptive parents, and some absolutely remarkable, almost healthy child long could not wait the mother though no logic in it existed. Or someone long fought with officials, hurried registration with documents, received delays that is called “out of the blue“, and then found the kid at whom the status on adoption appeared then when at mother all papers were ready - and receive she them earlier, they would not meet. Probably, adoptive children, as well as the family, appear in our life not incidentally, and the destiny disposes of us correctly.
In - the second, many from addressed in regional databanks, cannot just understand where children. On the TV show strange kids, publish nice attractive faces in newspapers, and in bank (forgive for cynicism) entirely seriously ill children or children from large families which you are not ready to adopt. It is rumored that officials “hold“ children for the benefit of foreign adoptive parents, but it not so. Just from - for red tape about many children information is not updated, just on places good experts from OPEC suit kids in families independently, just quite often data about health of the child are given in the form of the dry facts, without amendment that the kid who endured a deprivation just cannot normally develop - therefore the list of diagnoses can be scarier, than a real picture.
Should not give in to panic. If you could not be helped with the large center, address in guardianship on places. And it is possible to try from it and to begin, without trying the luck in the large centers. Just take the phonebook or look on the Internet what guardianship children`s homes and orphanages of yours (or another treat - according to your desire) the region, and address them directly - you have the right to it if at you all documents are ready. Experts on places will give you more exact information, in particular about the status of the child. For example, how many remained to time until when the kid can be adopted if his biological parents were deprived of the rights.Believe
: it is impossible to be left “without child“. Unfortunately, in our country still huge number of orphans which many times is more than persons interested to give them a family.Communication with officials Is unpleasant to write
about it, but murder will out. Not in all instances of adoptive parents wait with open embraces. Happens and so that you come to a databank and you get to the strange atmosphere: as though you came to ask from the state one million dollars for personal needs. Belong extremely scornfully, ask questions outside own competence. In this situation it makes sense to remember the rights: you have with yourself a passport and the conclusion of regional guardianship that you can be the candidate for adoptive parents - it enough. Your personality, details of private life, motives of adoption, etc. do not concern the operator. You have full authority for private matters not to answer. And what precisely you should not do, so it to feel guilty, and it quite often happens to those who adopt the child because cannot have own children, and at the same time more than once in the course of collecting documents was forced to speak with officials of the most different instances. I had to hold elderly couple by hands once and to speak to them: “Children, you are absolutely normal, remember it. The desire to raise the child is the most important.“
In some regional centers needs to rise on turn for viewing of the database: that is you at first come to reception, your documents are captiously considered, and only after it appoint date when you are allowed before viewing of base on children. And, time of viewing is limited to the operator`s conditions, but not your desire and opportunities. To it it is necessary to be ready too and to endure that moment that search of the child turns into a computer game on attention and speed.to
It is obvious, overall performance of officials is measured by the number of the shown questionnaires. Therefore the database does not allow to exclude, for example, from viewing of the questionnaire of children with heavy disability, etc. - all this together with photos you will see and speak “further“, “following, please“. Visit of the regional center from - for it turns into a situation when you are able to imagine how many you in this region of children - disabled people, and will see it in persons. To it it is necessary to be ready too - test not for the faint-hearted. Just give yourself installation and at once show it to the operator: it will quickly close the questionnaires which are not interesting you, and you will speak to yourself: this is not my child, I look for the child. How then to forget that there are hundreds of children who will hardly find a family - I do not know. But when you will find the baby when you build with it life, the sharp feeling of this horror will gradually dissipate.to People with the aggravated linguistic intuition needs to be
ready and to a local slang which can injure them. Quite often sick kids which questionnaires to you all the same will show “to a heap“ can call scornfully, to call process of search of the child “selection“. “Who here following on selection? You registered in selection?“ Whenever possible turn a deaf ear - you learned to ignore a fine slang of domestic gynecologists from a series: “Since how many years you live?“
It is possible, it it!
At the regional operator or in regional guardianship of candidates for adoptive parents are obliged to acquaint with data on children which conform to his requirements. It is possible to tell about requirements so: than they are softer, those have more than chances to find the kid. However, you have the right to look for the child exactly as you want - at everyone the way: one person says “any, more - less healthy years to five“, another - “only fair-haired boy before half a year“. But all finally find the children. It is the main thing, and to you it is not necessary to reflect on “whether correctly I formulate“.to
So, to you have to provide a maximum of information on children who interested you. In regional banks it more poor as it is sent in the form of a dry form in which the basic facts of the biography of the child and the conclusion about a state of health are reflected. In opeka of many children know personally, keep in touch with children`s home or orphanage, can make at you a call and ask any question to the management of orphanage - it is important.
quite reasonable question Arises: how to communicate with those who possess information on children? What to ask about? What to pay attention to?
- Age and floor. Here everything depends on your desire. To make recommendations from outside - absolutely senseless occupation. It is considered that the adopted child should not be more senior native if such already is. However there are examples of successful adoption and contrary to this rule.
- Information on the status and biofamily. In guardianship answer these questions extremely accurately. How there was at the child a status on adoption? Whether will be obstacles from other blood relatives (for example, the biological grandmother can be not able to take the child under guardianship, but goes to visit him in children`s home)? In other words, whether there can be at you problems in court.
- State of health of the child. It is the thinnest moment. Perhaps, there is no child who would be absolutely healthy. In intellectual and physical development all children have a delay - and it is absolutely normal. The question is in what caused this delay? Try to learn history of life and development of the child. For example, quite naturally, that the kid who has poor health badly develops intellectually - he constantly is in an insulator, even personnel and other children does not see, without saying that nobody pays it attention as it happens in a family. Naturally, it will lag behind very much and very strongly. In general, “a delay in development“ - not an occasion to refuse this specific child. Many taken place adoptive parents know how many diagnoses just “evaporated“, once the kid accustomed at home. At the same time, in children`s homes, certainly, there are many children who have really rough pathologies which entirely will not manage to be cured.
if the child everything is all right with the status also has no disability, you all the same should look at it with own eyes and, excuse for pathos, to draw for itself a conclusion: whether you believe in him and in yourself or not. Because the child in child care facility is so suppressed, life of the little man is so unnatural, so contradicts what is really necessary for development of his personality that failure in development - norm and to understand how the kid will develop further - it is almost impossible. Truly only one: it is better, than in a state institution.
At the moment when you solve whether to take the direction on a meeting with the kid, you are in power of strong emotions. In - the first, it is a pity to you it the baby - at each of children - orphans heavy vital history, everyone wants to give love and heat, before everyone we feel a little guilty just because we - big, and at us are all not so - that badly, and they - small, and at them anybody and anything are not present. However you remember that only one ecstatic feeling will not help you to make the correct decision. Therefore in advance be ready to do pauses. Obtained information on one or several children - take a time - a miss per day to digest it at themselves in the head and to be defined: to take or not to take the direction. Receive the direction - take a time - a miss to go to meet the child in a quiet state.If you are defined by
, you will be given the direction on visit of the child. Usually it is valid within a month at the end of which you have to make the decision and report in guardianship. At this time other wishing adoptive parents cannot meet the child.