To the kid of
Ya I watch the letter at the stomach, ispolosovanny at the very bottom blue lines of extensions, and it seems to me madly beautiful. Such fruit, a water-melon or dynky with sunflower seeds in a core. Only instead of sunflower seeds inside at me you, my kid. And you noticeably remind of yourself, beat me under edges with the small handle or a leg. As if you want to tell: “Mother, I here, look at me“. And I attentively peer into a mirror, endeavoring to guess what you will be.I wait for
Ya and I am afraid of you a little. Probably, usual fear of the young mother:“ Suddenly, I will not cope“? Frightens that there is no place to put a carriage and a bed in spite of the fact that moved furniture. I am afraid of sleepless nights, your crying, your fragile vulnerability and incomprehensibility.we Will begin
with what I never held on hands of babies, apart from the deep childhood when my brother Serezhka was born. All my knowledge - from the TV and books in which on pictures babies smile a toothless mouth. It is interesting when you smile to me for the first time?by
Ya chose to you a name. And sometimes I try as a mantra to say it aloud. Carefully, as if tasting each sound. I by all means wanted that the name began on “And“ because this letter at the head of the alphabet, and you for me - header. For “And“ there is a growling, rolling, rolling consonant “R“, it is present also at my name, and at a name of Artyom. There is firm “D“ also a melodic, artistic termination“ - y“. Arkady. It turns out and firmly and musically at the same time. In umenshitelno - the tender reduced option it is added catlike soft, hissing “Sh“. And your name becomes some simple, national, sociable at once. The person with such name wants to be patted on hair, to think up the ridiculous phrase, a slogan to his name. In the choice of your name, the kid, I was guided by that it was not difficult and exotic, and at the same time not really widespread. It was important still what the name would not meet in a family tree. Speak, it is better not to call the child in honor of someone. Especially grandfathers and grandmothers. You forgive me, the kid if suddenly did not guess. Honestly, I touched a set of options, and even some time in secret called you Vaskoy as my grandfather.
I for you, and for me I made a family tree of a family. Perhaps, having studied it, you will be able to understand better yourself, will feel force and support of a sort. And force is very necessary in overcoming of difficulties. I hope that I will teach you to reach compromise between force and weakness. That sometime you will grow up and will be able to protect yourself and the relatives, first of all the word. And you will teach to love me. Certainly, selflessly. Only for a fleeting smile, just like that.
Now I think of you with affection - sentimentally. And when I think of you, I remember Artyom which first of all, having come running home after work, having thrown off boots and having washed hands, gently touches my stomach, and you are trustfully pushed in its opened palm, learn. And your father habitually joyfully smiles to us.I remember
Ya how we waited for your first stir.
“Perhaps he at us very quiet and all the time sleeps with you?“ - stated the assumptions Artyom. And then on December 11, 2007 I ate dried apricots, sitting in front of the TV (of course, not the best occupation for the pregnant woman - viewing of the TV), and suddenly you bulknut a small fish somewhere under a navel, and then more and more. In couple of days everything repeated. I got poisoned and escaped from nausea crackers, and again distinctly felt that small fish in myself. At first you reminded of yourself only after acceptance of food. Unexpectedly pulled me on sweet, and after each eaten candy the little goldfish began to lash inside. I joyfully called up Artyom to touch, it promptly touched my stomach, and you, my kid, calmed down - played at hide-and-seek with it. Artyom pressed an ear to a tummy, trying to catch, grabbed a phonendoscope, and once, about a miracle, you recognized it. And at first we admired each your movement. And then I so got used to a miracle that you swim in me that sometimes ceased to pay attention.New 2008 we with your father met
in Saransk. There made 2 - e planned ultrasonography. Artyom for the first time saw you on the computer monitor, and we were told that you are a boy! Reported as routinely as happens at the people performing the work of the wizard every day. From what they forget about magic and put on severely - a gloomy look? But I - that remember how in response to device impulses you discontentedly began to move in my belly. I remember how I met a look of Artyom, and I wanted to cry with affection. As much I would give for such views and moments. Also there was a feeling of magic, contact of three souls.
A behind a door on a shop my mother looked forward to the message. I saw how she worries and as unexpectedly grew old. I.e. I it got used to see always young, slightly for 40, emotional, smiling, fun-loving. My father to me always seemed is more senior. And here suddenly - bang - as enlightenment: I notice a setochka of wrinkles near her eyes and I understand as far as she worries, supports us.
We left a maternity welfare unit in frosty morning. Festive, New Year`s Eve. With the fir-trees and mountain ashes covered with the bright become covered with hoarfrost berries. And I asked to buy Artyom to me a scarlet rosette in a pot which pleased me only three days. So it is not enough and very much. And looking at it, I thought of you, my kid.
We decorated a Christmas tree and went on guests. And it was such quiet, slow, long three-week rest - a holiday. Calm. I as to anybody, reached for the grandmother Vera, seemed to me that she knows something important that will help me to live further. Called to Tambov to the woman Masha and the grandfather Sasha, stuck to them with questions. It seemed to me that here it is a little more and I will find a treasure. Without suspecting that the treasure is hidden in me.
Being “a little bit a pregnant woman“, i.e. you already were, but I did not know about it yet, I quite often went out of town. On birthday Artem presented me the camera that allowed to look at the world in a new way. I liked to stop moments. I tried to remove same under a different corner. Here, apparently, a branch with berries, the most usual branch. But an only second ago from it the scared sparrow flushed. And if attentively to look narrowly, then it is possible to notice the first red streaks on leaves - a reminder on the coming fall. It is possible to make a panoramic photo. And then the branch will act as a bordering, a peculiar frame to the picture “The House on the bank of the Lake“. And the house not just the house, and the palace with the history weaved out of destinies of great and not really great people. And in the lake ducks float. And having brought closer one of the grunting waterfowl by means of macroshooting, it is possible to issue besides a picture a branch. Or to photograph absolutely close to the leaf which reminded to me about fall with diamond dewdrops in which the midday sun is reflected. Or a scattering of berries, and out of the corner of the eye to notice the vehicle which flew behind a bush with the bay mare harnessed in it.
Ya repeatedly happened in Pushkin, Pavlovsk, Gatchina and even traveled to Kaporye`s fortress. And from everywhere brought the wonderful pictures penetrated by the sun, spider lines, parachutes of the withering thistle, the motley maple leaves rustling under legs and red timid squirrels. I saw protein constantly. In the wood, in parks they flashed in branches of trees, stole a march on me and trustfully looked in eyes. Also it seemed that it is not proteins at all, and people. I somehow in a special way began to see wildlife. No, not that I improved sight, rather it on the contrary worsened. But here some gut feeling thanks to which noticed everything around became aggravated, listened to numerous rustles and sounds of the nature. Here the woodpecker knocks on the dry, killed with a lightning pine or the hawk flew by, rapaciously inspecting the possession, the mouse proshurshat in a grass.
In September we with Artyom went to gather mushrooms. And we found them in some improbable quantities. In 30 minutes gathered a bucket, began to put in a jacket, to carry in hands. Mushrooms were called mossiness mushrooms. And after weeks of a rain some of them shot up size about a fist. It seemed that not we looked for them, but they showed us dexterously twisted figs from - under a sosenok which overgrew hummocks of the boggy district. Then we did not know what to do with mushrooms. Week was cooked and fried them. And I hardly coped with the gushed nausea.
O to you, my kid, I learned on September 10. The day before in revival woke up from sharply gushed nausea replaced by a fever. Thought what got poisoned. But when on Monday felt the same desires since morning again, ran behind the test. For nervousness and unexpected dullness spoiled the first. Bought new, it showed me 2 strips. I ran in a drugstore behind two tests. Same result. Forgive me for shock, for the fact that, having begun to roar in three streams, I began to call parents, for the fact that I felt helpless and silly. It was For some reason thought that now it is possible to put an end to career. From old work I then left, and new did not find. And what work to look for when feels sick in the mornings, and in the evenings I fall, weakened, to sleep.
But you, my kid, did not leave me. Gave a sign, gave a gift.in August I wrote to
the story about June travel to the Caucasus and published it for participation in a competition on one of the websites. At the beginning of October learned that won first place and I need to win in Moscow a prize - the camera. Actually dreamed of this prize on the eve of birthday and then began to write. Told about the desire to win to Artyom. He stated doubt that in similar competitions “the“ people take prizes. Further you already know everything - I had 2 cameras. And in October we went with you to Moscow. Having decided to save on tickets, I spent night on the lateral shelf of a couchette car near a toilet. You behaved well, and almost did not feel sick me. For secure took with itself the girlfriend Sveta. But, as it became clear subsequently, to us it was more comfortable with you together. On Sveta there was no force left. She took offense, and we did not communicate several months with her.
In that trip we visited with you the party devoted to wedding (faugh, the word - that what foolish) my Saransk friend Natasha and her newly made husband Kostya. Natasha was on 8 - m month of pregnancy. At it in a stomach sat Katyukh. We sang children`s songs in a karaoke and assumed that we sometime will acquaint you, and you make friends. To me, apparently, that at you many friends will be obligatory, and people will love you, my kid.was born Katyukh`s
in the middle of November, and approximately at the same time I learned that it “a uterus tone“ and as far as it can be dangerous to you. Spent about a week to beds: pulled a stomach bottom. In a maternity welfare unit suggested to hospitalize in hospital. But I refused. There was an alarm and fear to lose you which was aggravated with eternal November darkness. As I do not love Petersburg long fall...
From fear me was rescued by a sunflower - a significant symbol of my pregnancy, the second after a squirrel. Sunflowers cross stitched the whole month. Day after day, in process of increase in quantity of different shades of yellow small squares - petals on a cloth, the melancholy disappeared.
A I that month wanted to run away from your father to the hometown. It seemed that near parents it will be quieter and safer. Material problems, the raised payment for rent of the apartment frightened. I sent Artyom to earn additionally at night the taxi driver. Your father loves machines and derives pleasure from driving process. It likes the speed and risk. But he does not love passengers and pedestrians. Passengers strongly clap doors and provocatively loudly speak by phone, smoke and use foul language, and sometimes address the driver as they to a thing, stick into a face with crumpled hundred ruble bank notes or in general refuse to pay. And they do not know that for Artyom the car not simply a vehicle, transport, an inanimate object. The car is a part of his soul, hours and even days of the enclosed work, small pleasures of improvement, conversation at a forum with fans of Fiat, the game and dream from the childhood which became reality. Night pedestrians - special group of the people who are periodically striving to please under wheels. And who, actually, walks on the city after midnight? People are able alcoholic or drug intoxication, hurrying behind the next dope or moving from a party to a party. After night trips your father, having come back home, continued to drive in a dream. The right leg it pressed on the imagined brake and swinging hands, was protected from invisible danger with shout: “Stand, stand where you go!“
One night Artyom put two Gipsies in the old Fiat. Usually he was afraid to give a ride to non-russian men because, taught by bitter experience, knew that having agreed with some of them about payment, it is possible not to receive anything or only a half of the stipulated sum. But that time the intuition was silent. Or rather, for all evening he earned nothing, and there was no wish to come back home without money. Other passengers did not come across. And he risked. Attacked it and robbed, having put a knife to a throat. Wanted to select the car. But Artem entered with criminals negotiations. I heart felt trouble and called your father. And to it allowed to talk to me. And further phone became silent, and all my calls were carried away in emptiness. It returned at daybreak. Upset and desperate, it curled up near me, having hidden with the head under a blanket.
Next day after the incident I asked him to address to militia...Filled up
and woke up with thought: “Why they dared to go against me, the pregnant woman, to select the last?“ Perhaps, the supreme instance heard my entreaties. One of criminals was found and arrested. I do not want to frighten you, the kid. But life is simple and difficult at the same time. And only making mistakes and studying as them, you find wisdom.
Test united us with your father. Happens, I too press on it, and it is not ready to my requirements. Probably, Artyom will be happy if you inherit his love to machines. Only, please, do not risk in vain.
to me likes to go where - nibud long - long and to stare on the parties. To me it is expensive - it is travel, opening of the new, novel world.
We live in the small rental apartment. And you, will have no my kid of the room, but you will be closer to us. I hope, the world will seem to you same huge and curious by what the storeroom of a communal flat in my early childhood was presented to me. There we played and fought with the girlfriend - red-haired Natashkaya, that which has Katyushka now. For the childish sports used everything that was found. Having smeared with shoe polish for a shoe-polish, represented Blacks. Learned to write with crayons on a floor letters what more than 20 years confirmed, the historical inscription scratched by indelible ink: “Vera and Nata. Ha - ha!“ From a balcony of the Natashkiny room gave the improvised concerts, representing actresses. To Lokhmatili each other hair, presenting itself grandmas ezhka. And constantly thought out. Probably, then I fell in love with creativity and learned to compose stories. More true not so much dreamed how many tried to comprehend and issue the word each event.
Here and a month ago, like a bird, I not just twisted the nest, and thought over to trifles what color there will be wall-paper in ours with you to the room, chose curtains, pictures on walls. For hours walked on specialized shops and tried on this or that detail of an interior to our 16 square meters. What happiness to do repair! And for future mummy, as we know, the main thing - positive emotions.
Every day in park, my kid, we listen with you to singing of birds and we catch the rare northern sun. Approach of spring is already felt. And I show you as in a botanical garden azaleas blossomed, and on the Gulf of Finland three-meter hummocks appeared. We admire light refraction in ice floes and quietly we sing to ourselves under a nose about a life in pink. Or pink - color the maidencheck? Choose what is pleasant to you, my kid. Sometime I will present you a rainbow.
P. S. On May 10, 2008 I became happy mother of Arkady (weight 3900 gr., height is 52 cm)