Repeated marriage - not the invention of the present though their widows and widowers in former times created. Today repeated marriages play the essential compensating role, generally in relation to the unions which broke up owing to divorce.
Most often repeated marriage is entered by the divorced mothers having one, is more rare than two and more children from first marriage. Demographers note that at the unmarried woman of 23 - 29 years having the child, the probability of the introduction in repeated marriage decreases by only 10% in comparison with childless women.
With arrival of the new parent the incomplete family restores the completeness, finds a social support and prospects for more harmonious development. However practice shows that to realize this potential - not such simple business. For example, complicate a situation of the relation with children from the previous marriages of spouses. The national rumor says:“ To live was in council and different children“. Repeated marriage can lead to creation of a new family for the man and the woman, but not always for the child from the first matrimony since identification of the child with the stepfather or the stepmother - an unusual occurrence. Requirements which are imposed by repeated marriage on new parental couple - mother and the stepfather - quite often turn them into “beginners“ before difficult vital examination.
The matter is that in these families two stages of life cycle - process of psychological adaptation of new spouses to each other and their “adaptation“ to educational roles connect. In first marriage these stages are divided in time and follow one after another. In the second they are imposed at each other and create a situation of “congestion“, “surplus of responsibility“. The fact that the family on the basis of repeated marriage bears the defined “psychological freight“ from the last family life which ended with disintegration acts as other important circumstance. Mother entering new marriage endures a rupture of former matrimonial communications, and the child from first marriage experiences to some extent violation of related communications. They bear these experiences as “emotional freight“ in again established family. It is baggage of memoirs, fears, imaginations and at the same time grandiose expectations that “second marriage has to be better former“.
of Povtornobrachnaya the family is always connection of former and new family life. The past and the present face and come to interaction, painting the general and educational atmosphere in the house. Family destinies of the people consisting in repeated marriages in the majority are unlike at each other. The interlacing of different circumstances and factors becomes the peculiar background either helping, or complicating adaptation of the child in a new family. In the most difficult conditions there are only children. In a situation of disintegration of first marriage mother remains for the child main, and sometimes and the only support and a source of psychological protection, but at a repeated marriage she absorbed by the feelings and thoughts can not always see sincere experiences of the child, understand their nature. In vital practice there are a lot of examples when with a repeated marriage the attention of mother switches to the second spouse. According to the psychologist T. P. Gavrilova, than longer mother and the child lived an incomplete family, especially painfully for the child there is a shift of attention of mother to the new spouse, and then to the child from second marriage. What can make mother in such situation? How to help the child as it is possible to live easier the stress caused by change of his life?
Here that children of 4 - 6 years speak about a situation of arrival of the new parent:
“Generally my real father - the uncle Kolya, but he with us does not live, we threw it because he drank wine“.
“I ask mother when the uncle Slava becomes my father, and she speaks: “Leave alone“.
“Our father Dima when had a shave, put on a dressing gown, and the father Borja always with a tie“. “When mother calls by
the father Gena “tramp“, he for some reason begins to swear!“. “The real father us threw
, he lives in other apartment. Here if he with us went to this apartment, then would not throw … therefore with us there lives the uncle Sasha“. “It I found
to us the new father when we with mother were in sanatorium!“.
“The grandmother told that my father not real that it the uncle, so I actually have no father?!“ .
of Reflection of children are painted by the whole scale of feelings - with curiosity and burning desire to have both parents to discouragement and the suppressed anger. On remarks of children it is visible, as it is not so easy for adult to venture the necessary explanations of the events in a family, to find words clear to the child. But the child, even small, patiently expects such words from the relatives.by
For carrying out research on studying of features of emotional health of preschool children in a situation of repeated marriage of mother us used game techniques since the rare child will refuse the offer to play. Especially as language of game is safest and comfortable for communication with children on delicate subjects. In modeling of game situations figures of “a toy family“ were actively used. In one of games the role of the mail carrier was offered the child: it delivered to addressees of the letter of a different emotional orientation, and family members whom he selected were addressees. At overwhelming number of children whose mothers were in repeated marriage, uncertainty in maternal love (65,3%) was shown. The child addressed to a figure of mother of the message - letters of the indifferent (emotionally not expressed), inconsistent or negative orientation. For example, “about this person I do not miss“, “this person does not love me“, “I do not love this person“ and so forth. And 85% of children from kinship families in the same game situations sent to mother`s figure the emotional elections expressing confidential character of the relations with it:“ this person loves me “, “ I love this person“.
That is characteristic, children from povtornobrachny families (59,3%) connected the most strong feelings of attachment with the grandmother or the grandfather, the sister or the brother, or included in games of the nonexistent characters who are thought up by them from people and animals.
the child`s Attitude towards the stepfather depended on much - a sex of the child, features of his character and temperament and so forth. Also the position of the stepfather - as far as he is interested in emotional contact with the child is very important. The positive attitude of children towards the stepfather made 20,6% on our selection.
the Old Indian law of Manu says:“ One father costs so much how many hundred teachers, and one mother - how many hundred fathers“. Data confirm that the style of behavior of mother which is shown or in supersponsoring, or detached becomes a common cause of emotional trouble of the child in a situation of a repeated marriage, or in her excessively exacting position to the child. In most cases it occurs from - for emotional instability of a state of mind of mother. And if mother sensitively reacts to an emotional condition of the child, correctly understands it and finds suitable ways of influence, her emotional connection with the child remains and even helps to improve the relations with the stepfather. Such children with the steady confidential attitudes towards mother and other family members on our selection there were 14%.“It is necessary to
reason in a golovushka much how to bring up warm-hearted foreign aunts“. Readiness of mother and stepfather for the coordinated interaction in education of the child, trust to educational abilities of each other - one of major educational “keys“. What wishes can be stated to new parental couple - mother and the stepfather?
to Mothers who are bringing up the child in a situation of repeated marriage:
- cannot be forgotten that cordial relations with the wife can be a nutrient medium for parental feelings of the man; > it is important to li to remember
- that the matrimonial criticism in any form (the wife - the husband, the husband - wives) is negatively reflected in consciousness of the child, leads to emotional injuries; >
- it is not obligatory for li to assume overall responsibility for forming of the relations of the child with the new husband, it is better to believe that they are able to cope with it; mother is responsible
- for providing to the child of feeling of safety and emotional rest with arrival to a family of the new person;
- the child from first marriage has to have a right for accommodation of strong feelings with which it is difficult for him to cope, and it is important to mother to be ready to maintain them; through this right it is possible to accustom the child to take the responsibility for the feelings;
- cannot attempt upon feeling of attachment of the child to the left parent; the emotional trauma as the bleeding wound, does not cicatrize if to deny it;
- cannot forbid the child to endure loss of what was before, to grieve on loss of former attachments;
- cannot “abandon“ emotionally the child, to dose communication with it: for the child it is vital forces since the child “grows not from bread, and for pleasure“.
with what trusts it the child`s mother.
Adaptation of the stepfather in a parental role proceeds more successfully if it:
- is appreciated by game communication with the child;
- avoids comparisons of the own child with the spouse`s child;
- respects parental feelings of the wife and does not seek to show in any situation “a firm male hand“
- never touches the female dignity of the spouse with tone of the address; does not emphasize male superiority over female, is not fond of criticism of her educational abilities, especially in the presence of the child.
the following questions:
What the child likes to eat? What does it like to do? What does he want to receive as a gift on birthday? What is he afraid of? Who his best friend?
ask about all this the child Now. If in three of five questions your answers coincided, the child was lucky: the parent at it that it is necessary!we Wish
to mothers and stepfathers, and also parents of the senior generation who help young couples to construct full-fledged family life on the basis of repeated marriage, to comprehend all secrets of communication with own children and children of marriage partners, without neglecting any trifles of everyday life. We hope that repeatedly established family will become for all children from first marriages of parents by reliable “harbor“ for the rest of life, the place of manifestation of sympathy and empathy, playing an exclusive role in formation of emotionally successful and rich personality.