Already half a year torments me this history, history of loss of my not been born child.
we got acquainted With the husband at work, from his party I had this love at first sight, - from the second. In half a year after our wedding I learned that I expect a baby, to my happiness there was no limit, I literally from the first day knew that I am pregnant. Probably, it was the only moment of my life when I felt the happy person.
on March 30, 2007 I as usual went for work. There I felt that something not so - the stomach hurt any clear pain. I gathered phone of the husband and asked that he called “ambulance“ and learned what in such cases to do. In “ambulance“ it was answered that it is necessary to go to hospital urgently. The policy, as ill luck would have it, at work to me was not issued yet, it was necessary to take the reference and to go to other end of the city and to receive. All this time to me became worse and worse. At last we reached hospital. In an accident ward the doctor Elena Viktorovna, having examined me, told that a uterus to be in a tone. Me put, empty seats did not appear, I and two more girls spent the night in a corridor. Later hours of expectation began. It was necessary to drink two liters of water - it was necessary for ultrasonography which was appointed to eight o`clock in the evening. Time was played, the most different outcomes of events came to mind, but they always led to safe permission.
at the beginning of the ninth evening I came downstairs from the fifth floor. There was a feeling that the hospital is present nobody. Doshchla to an office along a long corridor. I came, inside was very dark, the monitor and a desk lamp burned. There was a presentiment something terrible and irreversible. The doctor began to drive quickly on my stomach the device, the phrase told by her engendered in me fear. “How many weeks?“ - she asked. Weeks had to be 9, but ultrasonography showed 6, it meant only one - pregnancy stood, my child did not want to live further and to develop further …
That occurred further, I remember vaguely. The doctor began to calm me, to say that I young and still will give rise, but I as though stood - my person did not express any emotion, and only eyes gave out - in them all horror from heard was read. I went back to office along a long corridor, pressing the clinical record with a terrible sentence. Squeezing lips, I kept as could if only not to begin to cry, and only one question knocked in my head as the hammer: “Why?“ Having approached the sofa in a corridor where me put, I convulsively began to look for phone. The husband did not know what to tell, and I could not constrain tears any more, they flew a hail.
Then. She told that I am guilty of everything that I eat nothing and often I am ill. And I remained one with the grief, I tried to think that everything will pass, everything is normalized. Elena Viktorovna consoled and encouraged me, having told that she will show me to the chief physician tomorrow - perhaps, everything is not so terrible. But the events developing further showed that there is no hope.
At two o`clock in the morning I woke up from shrill belly-ache - my experiences, the stress and shock from endured aggravated my state. I went to look for the nurse. In eyes darkened, the head was turned, I was afraid that I will not reach. Legs gave away and did not obey, I caught a wall and slowly began to slip on a floor. Having realized that at two o`clock in the morning I can be found only by the morning, I collected all the forces and rose. Fast paces I went to a post. I remember in eyes darkness, blow about some corner and a floor. Voices of the doctor, the nurse and the woman who called them reached my consciousness. To me helped to reach a bed, began to ask questions of my state. I something answered on the automatic machine and only asked anesthetic. Then again failure and darkness.
Awakening was heavy - I understood that I am waited by a scraping. This scary word frightened me, and I tried not to think of anything. On survey Elena Viktorovna told that everything passed well, money for a good anesthesia is necessary. I asked money for the husband, but he refused to me, I told the doctor that money will be later.I ate nothing
Since morning and did not drink. Operation time was fixed, I was transferred to chamber. I lay on a bed and, having stupidly stared in a ceiling, was waiting in the wings. Elena Viktorovna came into chamber and called me, I got up and as if by inertia began to gather, then mother called and told that the father wants to visit me, and here I did not restrain again - tears began to smother me again. Mother began to calm me, but I did not hear her any more …
Ya came into viewing. There was a nurse, the anesthesiologist, the chief physician Elena Viktorovna. She said to me what to do, and I could not utter a sound. Only tears foully flew on my cheeks. I laid down, the left hand was taken by the nurse, tied a plait, thrust the syringe with anesthesia in a vein, in the syringe it involved a little blood, and therefore entered all medicine inside, then again a failure. Further recur to my memory only fragments. I remember how me shifted to a wheelchair, and then to my bed. I regained consciousness from the fact that Elena Viktorovna approached me to check my health. And what I have to have a state? Probably, a condition of the drawn person … Took away my dream from me - dream to be mother.
Mother came to me almost at once the field of how I regained consciousness. I had no words - only tears and a despair, it consoled me as could. Soon for mother also the husband came, and I wanted to see nobody, there were a wish to howl, and I could not stop, tears flew themselves. Then there was a night and a dream. Probably, I will never forget it. I stood happy and smiled, on hands I had my kid, it was my child, mine. He smiled the toothless smile, was such clever and beautiful in an amusing blue suit and a hat.
For the morning I asked at the doctor home, but it did not release me - I needed to complete a ten-day course of antibiotics. Parents and the husband visited me every other day, I asked them to tell nobody nothing, there were no wish to see anybody, I told about the grief only to the my loved ones.with
In hospital at me began a depression, it was aggravated by the husband with the acts. Somehow we sat in a corridor, opposite to us there was a refrigerator, girls periodically approached it, bent down, looking for the products. You at the same time would see a face of my husband … The Cheshire cat has a rest … And in me as though something broke, but I then still did not understand it. It was so offensive for me for itself - one more blow below the belt.
At an extract Elena Viktorovna told that month of sexual abstinence is necessary. Told about it to the husband. He smiled and told that he will go to look for the mistress. Maybe Vlad, of course, joked, but to me had no time for jokes - I then began to cry directly in a minibus.
our life with the husband did not develop. After the next meanness (it left me one in others city when I felt very badly and nearly fainted) I left him. It was important to me to realize that near me there will be a person on whom I will be able to rely in everything and who will not leave me, and will support at least by the word a heavy minute of my life. Now he wants to return everything and promises the moon to me, but Freud proved for a long time that not to change the person, it such what is. After this history I took out much for myself lessons - in this life it is possible to rely only on himself. There was only a disappointment and fear of new life, but I strong, I will sustain everything, the Lord does not give to people what they will not be able to sustain …