In what to play with disturbing children? Part 1
Uneasiness is quite steady specific psychological feature which consists in the increased tendency of the person to feel concern in the most different occasions (or at all without them). Uneasiness needs to be distinguished from alarm and fear.
If your child sometimes feels concern in some situations, for example before a public statement or test work, and sometimes in the same circumstances remains rather quiet, then we can speak about alarm, but not about uneasiness.
Uneasiness - steady property, it is also possible to draw a conclusion that it is characteristic of your child if he shows alarm often and in the most different situations: at acquaintance to new people, answering at a board, performing homework, etc. At the same time disturbing children cannot often explain what they are afraid of. If they know what are afraid of then we speak about fear (the fear always has an object - the person, an animal, a subject or a situation). Naturally, as disturbing children can have fears - separate or much.we will consider
In this article how to help the child to whom his constant uneasiness does not allow to feel and develop all the inclinations comfortably.
the Child whom we call disturbing, as a rule, has the majority of the following characteristics:
- any task or a new event causes in it concern; by
- during performance of tasks or in attempts to seize the nervousness it is often intense, held down (the muscular tension even in a face and a neck is felt);
- uneasily sleeps, complains of bad dreams; by
- at it did not break attention, but it is difficult for it to concentrate on something when he worries;
- badly transfers situations of uncertainty or expectation;
- it is not self-assured, the forces, expects failures in activity;
- tries to hide the problems and alarm.
at the remarkable, beloved and capable child who exhausts himself and relatives eternal concern on something for what, apparently, at all there are no reasons, often test disappointment and ask a question: “Well why it is such disturbing?“ To answer this question unambiguously it will hardly turn out. But we can consider major factors which promote emergence in the child of uneasiness.
First of all, heredity can play a role: at disturbing parents disturbing children grow up more often. And it occurs not only due to transfer of genes, but also through imitation adults in a family, through acceptance of their thoughtway and behavior. Such supervision, of course, not news (as it is known, the apple from a yablonka nearby falls), but sometimes it is difficult for parents to see this mechanism of action in the family. At the same time the fact that you do not worry at communication with strangers, and your child from it almost panics, does not confirm lack at you of uneasiness and its influence on the child at all. Perhaps, you are anxious in other occasions. Besides, do not forget that on your son or the daughter your alarm “for it“ can make impact, how he will cope with some situation. So it will be useful to be engaged in introspection and to try to understand whether often you feel alarm for yourself or relatives as you show it and as it can influence the child.
the situation in a family, most often violation of the relations with parents is the Second main reason of uneasiness at children. So, in case the parent adheres to style of education which it is possible to call figuratively “dictatorship“, or imposes to the child the overestimated requirements (“You have to study only as the five“), then the probability is high that, trying to meet father`s and mother`s expectations and anticipating their discontent, the kid will become very disturbing. Can similarly influence also the conflict atmosphere in a family (if spouses quarrel among themselves), and a dissatisfaction of adults in a family with the income level, work, a way of life.
Almost divorce of parents causes sharp increase of uneasiness in all children. Especially traumatic this period for the disturbing child proceeds if adults cannot agree among themselves and are inconsistent in the behavior. For example, if the father promises to go with the daughter to park tomorrow, but then vanishes for a week, solving the problems or if mother when time of a meeting with the father approaches, begins to convince the girl that it needs to be prepared for occupations today or to make still something useful (instead of full leisure with the father).
Inevitably uneasiness (and other problem lines) will arise at children in families where there is no consent between adults concerning education or their action are spontaneous and inconsistent. For certain many know families where there are such cases. The father considers that he should be punished house arrest for a week for the offense made by the child, mother in principle agrees, but considers a measure too severe and secretly from the father softens it (if the child behaves well, then she allows it to visit the friend), and the grandmother with lamentations “what was thought up, monsters“ ignores the bans received by the child at all and releases it anywhere when parents are absent. And next time positions of adults can change on opposite. If the child gets into such situations systematically, then he or becomes disturbing (does not understand what reaction of a family to the act he will meet this time), or begins to manipulate adults, considering their weaknesses and the relations among themselves.
School uneasiness can be provoked by actions of the teacher if it is constantly dissatisfied with progress of the child, compares it to schoolmates or occupies inconsistent (or too rigid) a position in communication with pupils.
Uneasiness can arise if for a short interval of life of the child there were many changes to which he should adapt. So, if to put together moving to other city, replacement of the grandmother with the nurse, mother`s exit to work and the beginning of training in the first class whether then it is necessary to say that the increased uneasiness even at quite quiet and emotionally steady child can become result of such “sum“.
I at last, uneasiness can accompany some serious emotional frustration, physical or mental diseases. If you have bases to suspect a possibility of such reason, then consult at experts better (the therapist, the neuropathologist, the psychiatrist and so forth) .If you are attentive and honest
before yourself in the analysis of the reasons of emergence of uneasiness described here at children, then it will help you to find such factors in your behavior, life of a family or in features of the relations of the child at school which influence yours the son or the daughter.
If managed to find such source, then your actions urged to improve life of the disturbing child will be conducted in two directions: work with the child and with his environment. It is the most correct, complete approach to this problem. With one its part - change of behavior of adults in the child`s environment - you should cope, relying on the intuition and common sense as versions of the solution of this question there can be a set (as much how many adverse factors). And the second part - work with the disturbing child - is similar at correction of different children and has the regularities. Therefore we will describe it in detail.
As well as during the work on other children`s problems which arose not yesterday and not suddenly prepare for patient systematic work. It is necessary to its message in three directions:
- to raise the child`s self-assessment, to inspire in it belief in the abilities;
- to teach the child to remove muscular stress, to relax, create for itself a comfortable situation; to train
- in ability to operate itself in the situations causing the greatest concern.
For realization of these specific objectives the games described in appropriate sections below. At their organization it is important to follow some rules which will allow to create a comfortable game situation for the disturbing child.
Rule 1 . Never compare the child to other children, you do not cite them as an example. If you want to emphasize dynamics in work of the child on any quality, then it is better to compare its progress to its results yesterday, week or a month ago.
Rule 2 . Avoid the competitive moments in games. Let better the child play for own pleasure and advantage, but not with the purpose to win. It is also undesirable to put to the disturbing child time frames of performance of a task or to adjust it. It you will hardly accelerate its actions, and here will raise the level of uneasiness for certain.
Rule 3 . You enter the child into new game carefully, giving him the chance to get acquainted quietly with it, to observe a model of actions (if those are). If you feel the child`s resistance, his unwillingness to participate in game, do not insist at all. It is possible to force the person to perform some operations, but it is impossible to force to play really! So in such difficult cases try to show creative approach to interest the child and to reduce his concern. For this purpose change rules of the game, considering features of your son or the daughter, use the evident material already familiar to the child, begin to play with someone another, setting the child an example. In a word, act on circumstances.to
in this case needs Increase of a self-assessment of the child For achievement of success that the adult himself saw the dignity of the child, was respectful to it (and not just love) and was able to notice all his progress (even the smallest). Besides, the adult has to praise often the child, and it is very important to do it correctly: children always have to know what they are praised for and to understand that the praise is not just reflection of mood of the teacher or parent, and an assessment of his concrete activity. Concerning educational affairs it is simple to execute it: here it is easy to see that today the small letter turned out more beautiful, than yesterday, or in a dictation of mistakes not fifteen, and only ten. And here as for behavior or communication, here progress of children hardly happens to estimate even to teachers. > Therefore to you it is better for p to think over
in advance what merits are already available for the child and what it needs to get. Think also how you will let the child know that you see his progress and advantages? If you mentally answered these questions, then, so are rather armed and ready to secure the child on the way of self-change. Now safely you hold with it games and exercises described below and try to derive from it pleasure that your child felt as the interesting personality with whom it is pleasant to communicate.
“The moneybox of achievements“
Is very good game which has to develop into a habit to see and appreciate the small victories every day. You will be able really to achieve such, apparently, global objectives if you systematically use this game reception. Further it will be possible to replace it with oral discussion of the daily achievements.to
So, take some cardboard box or a capacious can and together with the child issue it as it would like that the moneybox of its main values - small and great own success in life looked. Perhaps, on a surface of this moneybox there will be drawings reflecting objects which are somehow connected with the concept “success“ or it there will be just nice patterns. Leave the choice for the boy or the girl. Separately prepare small leaflets of paper. And now introduce the rule: when the child comes back home, he surely has to remember and write some sign of success which he achieved in a today on this leaflet. So, on notes phrases will appear:“ Well read the poem at a board “, “ drew excellent drawing on the subject “Fall“, “Gave a Gift to the Grandmother Which Very Much Was Pleasant to Her“, “In total - Could Write Control on Mathematics on “Five“ though Was Afraid“ and many others. These records are put in a moneybox of achievements. It is important that even in the most unsuccessful day the child could find something he managed that.“ Weighting“ moneyboxes in itself fills over time children with pride and bigger confidence in the forces, especially if parents and other family members are respectful to its small victories (but not from height of the years and experience).
can address this moneybox when it seems to the child that it met difficulties, insuperable to it, or during the periods when his critical look is directed to the abilities and he sees himself the worthless loser. During such periods it is useful to remember that your child has an experience of overcoming of difficulties and achievement of success. It will help it to be adjusted on a positive harmony.
Note. This game can be used at first for a raising of a self-assessment of the child in general, and then for increase of belief in the forces in some concrete matter, for example studying of Russian in school. Then in your “moneybox of achievements on Russian“ records of type will appear:“ At once remembered the new rule and understood a subject “, “ well wrote a statement - closely to the text “, “ in the composition made only one mistake“, etc.
“A star of the apartment No. 10“
This game though it is directed to the help to the child, but intended more likely for adults. They have to support the child`s self-assessment, show him all the best that in him is.
Create the small stand devoted to the child in your apartment. Stipulate time of its use, we will allow week or two. For this period your child will become “a star of your apartment“ as all other members of household will watch his progress, to note his advantages. In the center of the stand place the photo of the child. Nearby paste petals on which you will make entries (it is possible to make and the option is simpler, it will be pleasant to pupils of middle school age more - in the form of a fence on which all write that they want also in any its place). During the specified time at this stand there have to be inscriptions made by family members and concerning as constant characteristics of the child which they appreciate, and those his achievements and good deeds which they noticed for the present day. At desire the child himself also can add any note about himself.
Note. If children in your family a little, then, of course, it is necessary to create the same “star“ stand and for others, but it is necessary to use them in turn - “the star of your apartment“ has to feel the exclusiveness and uniqueness during the time allowed by it, to receive wholly the volume of attention of relatives, at least in game without dividing it with brothers and sisters. After period of validity of the stand it is given for memory to the child, and if wants, can place it with itself(himself) in the room.
It is excellent game which allows to receive from others “psychological strokings“, so necessary to each person to feel favourite, necessary, successful. Therefore it is necessary to carry out it in the conditions of goodwill, in an environment of people, important for the child. Ideally suitable case for this purpose - birthday of the child. It is possible to organize this game when little and big guests gorged on and are ready to communication and entertainments.
Switch their attention to the child by words: “Look, something our birthday man absolutely froze. Let`s play the game “Sun“ and we will warm it all together!“ Seat all guests in a circle (if there are not enough chairs, it is possible to rise or sit down on a floor). In the center put your child. Distribute to each guest on one colored pencil. Explain that it is a sun ray. It it is possible pto present cold with kind words, having told about what is pleasant to the guest in the birthday man for what that can be respected. Set an example, having told one offer - a compliment to the child and having given it a ray. The one who is warmed should not forget to tell “thanks“, it is possible to add “very pleasantly“ if to it something is especially joyful to be heard. Further all guests around tell something good and give to the child the pencil. During it the child turns facing speaking.
Note. The little guests who are present at a holiday can have too a desire to stay “warmed“, to come under the spotlight. You can give them this opportunity, having repeated game, and can leave it for such special cases, having promised children that they are waited by a lot more interesting games (do not forget that the promises made to children need right there to begin to be carried out).“Finish with
How many people around told the child about what it remarkable, the most important is the moment when the child accepts their opinion and will agree that it really has a number of advantages and deserves respect. So this game - a good way to check that your child accepted for himself and as it was reflected in his self-relation.Take
a ball. Explain to the child of a rule of the game: you will throw to it a ball and to begin the offer, and he has to throw it back, having called the termination which occurred to it. All offers will concern the child. Same “beginnings“ can arrive to the child several times, but the “terminations“ which are thought up by him have to differ. And now throw to the child a ball with words: “I am able...“, “I can...“, “I want to learn...“ .
Note. Repeat each beginning of the offer several times that the child realized as much he all is able what he usually did not think of, and once he learned it.