Vicious circle? Experience of a parental family
Each of us is from the childhood. We were born in a certain family and had a certain example of the relations before eyes. Whether it affected somehow our family life? Whether well this influence or, on the contrary, it prevents to be to us happy in marriage?Casting on a sample
When in a family is born
the child, it is included into a certain family system in which there is his mother, the father, brothers and sisters, grandmothers, grandfathers and other relatives. The family system is given to the child entirely, and he grows in it, submitting to its laws and orders. Moreover, the child often does not know that he can be in a different way. Laws and rules of a family for it are primary and almost indisputable. It is similar to casting from plaster when it is filled in in a certain form. Plaster does not argue whether this form is good, it just takes this form.
the Child often almost does not remember the first 3 - 5 years (and sometimes and 7 years) the life, except for the separate moments. And these years at the kid installations are actively put, the picture of the world and concept about human relations is formed. The child is noncritical - he absorbs everything that sees in a family. Therefore it is important to understand: our parental families, their example, installations, rules strongly “sit“ in the head of each of us. And we come to the marriage with a set of statements and expectations about that, how exactly it is necessary to build the relations with the partner.the Wife - as mother, the husband - as the father
“Matrix“ of parental families begins “to work“ as
at a stage of the choice of the spouse. Images of parents are strong in the head of the matured children, and they subconsciously look for the partner similar most often to the parent of an opposite sex. It is important that the man in the matrimonial relations can look for “mother“, and the woman can choose the spouse similar not only on the father, but also on mother if in the relations with it there are many unresolved problems. Sometimes it is just separate lines of appearance and behavior, and then in it there is nothing terrible, and sometimes - a complete image, and problems are already possible here. Than more problems and offenses on parents was in the childhood at the child, that a high probability of what he will look for in the marriage partner of “parent“, trying to solve the old conflicts. Often these attempts are doomed to a failure as they are directed “at the wrong door“. Such choice of the partner leads to new disappointments and disintegration of marriage. begins “to work“ as “Matrix“ of parental families at a stage of the choice of the spouse.
For example, a widespread case when the man who was brought up by despotic mother (either without father, or at the “weak“ father), looks for in the wife a similar type - the cold, prudent woman - “komandirsha“. It is interesting that, having received less in the caress childhood from mother, such man hopes to receive all this from the wife, but if he chooses a “maternal“ type in the wife, his hopes are not fated to come true. He will run on a vicious circle again, trying to deserve it love and heat, and will be disappointed, without receiving all this. Often his wife is ready to a similar role of “diktatorsha“ as she itself was brought up in a similar family and looked for such husband though in words women very seldom admit it, declaring that are dissatisfied with the husband - “rag“.
also very positive family images when the person also seeks to find the spouse similar to the parent of an opposite sex Happen. For example, in a family where is big (and deserved!) respect for the father where the father was moderately strict, moderately tender with the children, perhaps, held a high social status, at the girl good reference points for the choice of the partner for marriage are developed. For the boy the example of mother, gentle, understanding, respecting the husband is good. Such mother can be at the same time and “the valuable worker“, putting understanding that the woman is capable to combine care of a family with work in the son. In this case the young man can choose the woman possessing similar virtues in the wife. In these cases following to images of parents is positive, and you should not fight against it. Quite so good foundations and customs from father to son pass and remain.
Each of us has three internal roles: “child“, “adult“, “parent“ (according to the doctrine of the famous psychotherapist and psychologist Eric Burn). “Child“ is the reckless, impulsive being who however is rather conducted and inspired.“ The adult“ is the part which is responsible for an opportunity to argue sensibly, it is reasonable and expedient to arrive in any relations.“ The parent“ is the part of our personality inclined to prevail, and sometimes and to suppress other people, especially if they are in “a children`s position“. Than more harmonious at you the relations with the parent of an opposite sex, than more positive image it is created, that a choice high probability for marriage of the partner with which it is possible to create the strong relations. In this case the probability is high that the relations between spouses will be equal, from the situation “the adult-the adult“. But by what stronger the image of the parent of an opposite sex is painted in gray and black tone, subjects a high probability of problems in marriage in connection with the choice of the similar partner. People, understanding it, try to resist, choosing, apparently, “complete antithesis“ of mother or to the father. But, by more fixed consideration, this “contrast“ is very similar to that image from which there was an aspiration to escape. In this case communication is unequal, and spouses constantly change roles, but from the situation “the parent-the child“.
Here several recommendations for those who got to this “trap“:
- Analyze it! If you have a feeling of disappointment the relations in marriage, it is necessary to think by what criteria you chose the partner. Whether your spouse in something important reminds one of your parents?
- Solve problems with the one who created them. If you understood that you try to solve problems by transfer of a situation on the partner, for example “to cure“ the father - the alcoholic in the person of the husband or to achieve from the partner parental (but not matrimonial) attention which you received less in the childhood then you need to stop this useless run around. It is necessary to solve problems with the one who is their true participant. You need to transfer attention to parents, to discuss a problem (which, perhaps, executed several decades) with them or just to accept a situation, without trying to correct it. The professional help of the psychologist is often necessary. Then you will be open for partnership with the spouse.
Partnership are always possible
- . How many years in marriage you lived under a shadow of problems in the relations with parents, never late to correct everything. However, the later understanding of a situation came, the to make it more difficult. And big internal work will be required to those. But the purpose is worth it.
Each family has the accurate rules connected with many aspects of life: as where and in what quantity to spend money, as well as where to have a rest how to spend free time, it is how possible to interfere in “personal space“ of another whether it is possible to demand something from other spouse concerning career, and also clothes style as it is necessary to treat the spouse`s friends, education of children, and also on a set of other questions. When in a young family two family traditions face, it almost always causes intensity. But still big intensity arises when the senior generation directly interposes in the matter: the wife`s parents - on the one hand and the husband`s parents - with another. It only complicates withdrawal from family “matrixes“ and development of own rules.
Karina and Ruslan in marriage several months, but at them already arise quarrels and misunderstanding. As the young family lives together with Ruslan`s parents, Karina`s mother-in-law does not cease “to learn“ it as it is necessary to look after the husband how to cook food how to spend money. Karina has in this respect other representations. At the difficult moments Karina addresses for council the mother who in everything supports the daughter and abuses the son-in-law and to “wicked creature“ - the mother-in-law. From mother Karina comes, wishing to fight, and this fighting spirit heats a situation even more...
As they say, “from all truths of the major is the“. And it is especially right for a situation of collision of family traditions. In disputes of spouses not just their own views, and the installations of parental families which took roots in them often face. And each of parental families is, as a rule, aimed at that its traditions were main in a young family.“ Fight“ gains open character.
Young spouses often complain that parents interfere with their life. But actually they often let them there, and not just let, and wish to see them as judges. For example, the young man, seeing that the wife does not meet his expectations and something does “not so“, goes to the parental family behind council. At the same time he addresses mother more often, and not the father at all, what would be more logical. But the man asks for suggestions mother and receives two “radical“ statements. The first of them: “I warned you...“ - is based that almost all mothers and always warn about something (is more often about bad). So this phrase - one of the most frequent which both young husbands, and young wives can hear. Second statement: “Of course, you are right...“ . As the young spouse acts from the point of view of norms of the family, coming for support in the family, he steadily receives it. Also comes back to the spouse “to fight with absolutely not constructive position up to the end“. This situation is characteristic both of wives, and of husbands.
Happens, of course, that parents “come without invitation“. Young spouses really do not seek to look for at them the truths, try to cope by own efforts, but the senior generation all the same watches. From the husband`s parents, from parents of the wife “valuable instructions“ and lectures arrive that is usually negatively reflected in all structure of the relations.
are followed from this by several important conclusions:
- If at young spouses are put positive models of the relations if young spouses saw in the families, let and different, but constructive ways of an exit from conflict situations, then they will cope with development of the general rules of their new family independently. If such models are not put, then “help“ of the senior generation will be only to the detriment.
- If you do not want
that parents “climbed“ in your life, at least do not invite them there. Do not complain and discuss less and condemn a position of the spouse and his family in talk with the parents.
- If you want to be independent and to develop norms and rules for own family, perceive councils of parents (and all of them equally will be) without irritation, and just as information, it is optional to them to adhere.
On different coast...
So, each of us comes to the marriage with a set of expectations concerning the partner and statements about that, family life how exactly has to be under construction. We seek to introduce in the marriage traditions and customs of the family system, in hope that the partner will accept them without any criticism (as once ourselves in the childhood). But all the matter is that also other spouse expects the same! And in this process two family traditions often face.
Irina and Victor met to a wedding nearly a year. And during this time they did not spend any Saturday together, designating it “in the family afternoon“ and being with the parents. After a wedding the first Saturday caused tension in the relations between young spouses. It turned out that Irina expects that Victor will join a traditional Saturday dinner at the dacha at Irina`s parents, and Victor expected that they together will go to his grandmother as it was got at Victor for many years...
On this simple example we see collision of expectations of spouses. And such collisions will be frequent, especially in the first years of marriage. It is symbolically possible to present this process so: two stand on different coast, and between them the river flows. Everyone from the coast extols advantages of the family and outlook. But it is absolutely clear that so they will not come to anything. To be together, they need to enter the river or to float at first towards each other, and then and together. Only then they will become a family and will be able to develop own, important only for them governed.
How to develop rules for the family? There are some recommendations:
- Accept each other families such what they are. Remember that you fell in love with each other such what you left the parental families. You can not like the separate moments, but in general try that your perception of a family of the spouse was positive.
- Discuss features of your families without criticism and irony. Each of you has to remember that family traditions of another - are not bad, they are just others. These discussions will emerge not once, and every time you have to be ready to listen to each other.
- Form own rules. It will be possible to take all traditions from both families to you hardly because often they are mutually exclusive. Therefore your purpose - to develop own norms, having borrowed something from families of parents, and also introducing something special. This process cannot be fast, but it also is unnecessary. It is desirable that both of you were ready to discussions and to development of the decision, uniform for your family.
- Overcome barriers. The main barriers can be connected with opinion of the senior generation which will try to prove the only correctness of own position. The position of the son or daughter can be apprehended in the range for silent offense to a rough showdown with charges towards young spouses. Anyway - be not afraid of such reaction. It is natural. Remember that you need to develop own traditions and foundations that your family had the basis, so, was stronger.
Lead own life
So, we found out that being still innocent children, we take from a parental family of the scheme of behavior for the most different situations, we form installations and we learn traditions. Maturing and beginning family life, we come to it with “suitcase“ of the expectations and requirements which are grown up in a parental family. But also our partner has just the same “suitcase“. Pledge of happy family life is a respect for a family of the spouse and understanding of traditions of his family. But the most important is a development of the list of rules for the family, cha - stichno based on traditions of both family systems. Your family should not be blind “matrix“ of parental families. Try to combine harmoniously different traditions, add identity - and your family will have own unique person.