Rus Articles Journal

Six years of hope

As often life seem unfair. And in the head as if the importunate bee, buzzes one thought: why God sends children to those to whom they are not necessary who seeks to get rid of them, and you both want, and is ready, and aspire to it with all the heart - and nothing?

my friend Lana lived with this thought of long six years...

... With the beloved who became then her lawful husband, Lana together twenty years. The first ten they enjoyed life, each other, reveled in the feelings and as they most of our friends, considered that all in this world still will be in time including to give rise to posterity.

the Prospect to become the father and mother loomed absolutely incidentally. Nobody, as they say, expected. Lana with Mischa then thought that time god gave, it is necessary “to take“, and decided to give birth. But god, probably, changed the mind. On the third month Lana had an abortion. The reason - not developing pregnancy which stood on the term of 4 - 5 weeks. It appeared, the impregnated ovum just grew, being filled with liquid, and did not even begin to share.

Of course, it was time of strong experiences. Then to Lana and Mischa the understanding came that time of carefree life passes that everything in this world is difficult. And it is necessary to approach the birth of the child consciously.

Understanding that it “is time“ came three years later. Spouses seriously thought of the kid. Both already very strongly wanted children. Probably, the relations of the man and the woman, it is as if strong they loved each other, at some moment have to come to qualitatively new level, differently - inevitable “degeneration“, fading of feelings. New level is a new format of the relations when people try on on themselves new roles. And you begin to perceive the partner not only as darling, but also, for example, as careful parent.

Lana with Mischa wanted to see in each other parents too. Loving, attentive, self-sacrificing. They were already ready to try on for themselves these new roles. But! Remembering last bitter experience, Lana prepared for serious inspection. From a maternity welfare unit it was sent to the Center of planning of a family and reproduction on Sevastopolsky Avenue (TSPSIR). There suggested to make a diagnostic laparoscopy. From the name already threw into a shiver.

the Laparoscopy - operation small, but is carried out it under the general anesthesia. At first the stomach is inflated with carbon dioxide, then in the made several cuts (in a navel, on each side and in the bottom of a stomach) special tubules on which ends are “are inserted pass - chambers“. They - that also show to experts as the situation in women`s urinogenital system is. Whether all as it should be whether pipes etc.

Lana are passable, without reflecting, agreed to this operation. Agreed - was not afraid. Did not choose more conservative way of diagnostics. Did not crawfish. She was not frightened by a huge number of the difficulties connected with operation. Did not confuse that it is necessary to leave for a while work, to take the sick-list, to lay down in a hospital. To endure nervousness of expectation of surgical intervention, and then still to depart from an anesthesia. Probably, only those who, really, very much want to give birth to the child resolutely act this way.

Ya many times put itself to the place of Lana. And I would behave so courageously? And I would go to a laparoscopy? Operation did not solve any problems, and could only show their existence. Could, but did not show. Yes, yes, at Lana did not reveal any serious physiological deviations which would prevent it to conceive. It turns out what operation was performed in vain? Or the negative result is result too?

Had to come back to what began with. Again analyses, research of a hormonal background, measurement of bazalny temperature, graphics... It became clear that some hormone “plays pranks“. Appointed treatment. Then another. More and more. Again analyses, and so around...

In this infinite whirl there passed three years. You only ponder upon this figure. Three years of fruitless expectations! Three years of vain efforts and misunderstanding that all - not so. Every month Lana, without waiting for a possible delay, grabbed the test. Considered it nearly through a magnifying glass. And every time - terrible disappointment.

For these three years to Lana were done by three “stimulations“. It is difficult procedure which entered reception of special preparations, the numerous pricks painted on days. All this pursued the one and only aim - to create in an organism the most favorable conditions for conception. I.e. long-awaited pregnancy had to become result of the strongest hormonal attack.

But these volleys had wide of the mark. Three times - for nothing. After the last stimulation Lana already had on anything no forces. Three years she lived with only one thought of the child. All the energy spent three years for campaigns on doctors, laboratories and drugstores. And all - in vain? In vain? Hopelessly?

Lana understood that she went in cycles, and decided to take rest. It is simple to drop out for a while of this infinite marathon behind maternal happiness. She ceased to drink tablets, to take temperature, to build schedules. Disconnected the head. Deleted everything that was connected with attempt to become pregnant from daily occurrence. And...

Scenario painfully familiar: next month she became pregnant. Yes! It happened! There was what so long waited for. What prayed for. What was considered as the main event in life. Lana became pregnant! Tests, analyses, the general state - everything spoke about a long-awaited miracle. Means, everything is not vain! Laparoscopy, tablets handfuls, pricks on hours and minutes, infinite analyses - it yielded result!.

I do not know

Ya at what loss for words to me to be to write about what occurred further. I do not know how in general it can be worried after so many years of efforts and passionate desire to conceive the child. I do not know why the Lord forces others to enjoy a bitter bowl to the bottom. I do not know...

In 10 days after Lana learned about pregnancy, it had an abortion. Already the second in her life! Neither operation, nor treatment, nor stimulations helped. Anything!

Lana did not know

how to it to live further. She cried and cried. And even when did not want - tears were all the same impetuously shed on cheeks. It seemed that the world around will never find former bright paints. They left together with their not born child. Mischa, as could, supported the wife, but she had to endure this grief. To gain, sob out, squeeze out from itself with each new teardrop.

More in TSPSIR Lana did not go. All know that the Center of planning - the most authoritative and most advanced medical institution in the area. In it the best doctors of the country work! There gives birth color of our society! But to my friend these a miracle - doctors, alas, did not help.

to

to Lana needed not less than half a year to be restored. Both physically, and morally. Time, as we know, the best doctor. There were months, wounds began to heal, and thoughts of new attempts to conceive - to appear even more often.

But they were pushed the background by new, not less serious problem. At Lana sharply grabbed a back. Hernia of intervertebral disks - the scary diagnosis. Pain was shrill and intolerable. The girlfriend began to limp.

the situation was aggravated with

In several months so that Lana could not get out of a bed any more! Mischa, all white with experiences, on hands carried it in a toilet and a bathroom. Long one and a half months Lana carried out to beds until she was put in hospital of N. N. Burdenko. Again operation. Again hospital walls. Again uncertainty and emptiness in soul.

After the small rehabilitation period Lana came, at last, to work. But she was not allowed to sit for a long time. She went on service by a taxi, lying on back sitting, and did not sit at a desktop, and stood on knees. And constantly ran on various procedures, in fact, carrying out with colleagues only on half a day.

They say that difficulties are rallied. It I about Lana and Mischa. Still say that the passionate desire to give birth to the child fastens the union of two loving people with indestructible bonds which no adversities will be able to break off any more. A lot of things is told. But whether so it happens in life? By the end of the fourth year of titanic efforts to conceive in Lana and Mischa`s relations... something cracked. They were tired to fight. Were tired to wait. Were tired to hope. Perhaps they were tired from each other?

Some special female intuition Lana caught

that Mischa does not breathe with it one air any more. Does not live their common problems. And in the head of it absolutely others - alien to it - thought.

Of course, she madly worried. Of course, she wanted to believe that everything is formed, former harmony somehow will be adjusted, will return. But is not present. Nothing returned. I do not know, maybe, really, the child who all did not want to appear in their life in any way, and created emptiness in their relations. Perhaps they so passionately dreamed of it that they in this aspiration to become mother and the father forgot that they are a man and the woman, two halves of a whole?

Lana suggested to part. Mischa did not object. For a while they ceased to live under the same roof, to conduct economy, to sleep in one bed. But did not stop being each other dear people: called up several times in the course of the day, carried on long talk “for life“, rushed on any call about the help. But the main thing - was renewed by attempts to become pregnant. Strange situation, isn`t that so?

Having been

in the rental apartment, Lana sharply felt that she is madly lonely. Mother died long ago, the stepbrother lives in other country and if now she loses Mischa, at it will remain nobody. Anybody! And it already 34. There was not enough time nevertheless to give birth to the child and to cease to howl from loneliness.

of Feet! Or perhaps the child should be adopted, it was suddenly thought to Lana? Eventually, maybe, to it in general on it is allowed to have own children? Perhaps everything does not develop not casually? Perhaps thus the highest forces speak to it about some other its mission? And it is in bringing up the kid whom native parents refused and which remained in private with this cruel world? Besides, how many cases when childless couples adopted the child, and then - contrary to all to the made diagnoses - gave birth to the.

Having thought a little, Lana nevertheless refused this invention. Because at that moment she sincerely did not understand how it it is possible - to love foreign child. It seemed to it that really it is only possible to love the.

these thoughts pushed with

it on resolute actions.

Lana addressed in National the physician - the surgical center of N. I. Pirogov. With firmness handed over - again! - all analyses and tests. Again treated the infection pursuing it - an ureaplasma. Courageously passed others - new to it - procedure: blood clarification, for example.

Main reason of Laniny infertility (what awful word!) doctors declared an insufficient layer an endometriya (a mucous membrane of a body of a uterus) to which actually and the impregnated ovum is attached. Ideally it has to be 12 mm, 10 mm - too nothing, 8 mm - a necessary minimum. And Lana has more than 6 mm it did not grow! Why - it is unclear. About what pregnancy could there be a speech here?

to Lana were prescribed by large doses of hormonal tablets. It spent more than 20 thousand rubles a month for drugs! Well how here again not to remember the kind word of her chief who did not suggest to Lana “to look to himself for other place“?

In parallel doctors advised to make by

“insemenation“. I.e. to enter sperm directly into a uterus cavity, passing a vagina. Lana did not agree to EKO yet. Mainly because it is expensive (more than three thousand dollars together with drugs), and honor probability of a successful outcome same, as well as at an insemenation - about 30%.

of All of insemenation was three. In July, in August and the next year - in April. Endometry still did not grow, and former enthusiasm thawed in the eyes as spring snow. In May Lana was going to fly to Istanbul - to have a rest, vanish. The hope that the last insemenation will be successful was not any. On Thursday tickets were bought. And the day before - on Wednesday - Lana went to the test, obligatory after an insemenation, for pregnancy. And test... answered in the affirmative!

Lana did not believe

! It was impossible to believe in it! In soul the whole whirlwind of feelings rose. Pleasure, confusion, delight, fright and... love. Love to the child.

Looking back at the passable way full of doubts, alarms and disappointments, Lana says that she made everything correctly.“ All know: to become pregnant, it is necessary to relax. But to relax - it is necessary to reconcile. I could not afford it. To reconcile - it means nothing to do. And I could not but do nothing. I had to go on doctors, make tests, drink tablets. It though somehow brought closer me to the treasured purpose. To put pads meant to bury the dream“.

A the dream came true. If very much to want, very much - very much - very much, everything surely will develop.