Secret of adoption: the person among people of
If to ask the passerby: Whether “You thought ever of the adopted child?“, most likely, in reply you will hear: “No“. Or:“ It not for me“. However, as practice shows, a priority form of child placement, without parental support, adoption is.
Therefore to us would like to touch upon a subject which concerns adoptive parents and those who only think of taking the kid in the family. It will be a question of secret of adoption.
the Decision whether it is necessary to keep secret of adoption, remains always for parents. But we will try to tell about what it is necessary to be afraid of and what - is not present and how to struggle with the fears.Many adoptive parents long deliberate
, to keep or not secret of adoption. Those who decide to tell about adoption openly, for the present units. But also they, quietly reporting to people around that their daughter or the son - not blood, with alarm wait for conversation with the child on how it appeared in a family. Wait cautiously, grief and fear.
meanwhile psychologists and experts in the field of adoption in all countries do not argue for a long time, it is necessary or not to say to the child that it is reception. It is necessary. Preservation of secret sometimes is given by excessive efforts - there is practically no guarantee of this preservation. Sometimes the parents or the immediate family devoted in a secret can provoke involuntarily reservations, the fears or inadequate reaction to quite innocent situation the child to thoughts in this “forbidden“ direction.
Whatever all of them at first sight are attempts to protect the child. Parents try to make so that the child did not feel rejected, having learned that blood parents refused it; did not feel loneliness at communication with other children. Adopted children often very sharply react to the fact that long time they were kept in dark concerning their origin while other people knew the truth.
the Strong relations can be constructed only on honesty and trust, but not on deception at all. If in a family there is a secret, all suffer. Telling the child about his origin, you do not do harm to either its self-assessment, or his vanity. You just establish the fact how your favourite kid appeared in a family. And both your intonations, and emotions which you experience depend on your relation to this fact.Talk on adoption does not differ in
from talk on other subjects which parents and children face in life. Adoption is a reality in which there lives the family, the reality causing certain thoughts and feelings which they share with each other in family members. Talking to the child, it is necessary to try to hear what he actually asks about and to help correctly to formulate a question. At the same time it is necessary to be careful of mistakes: not to attribute to the child of the idea of a conversation subject, not to impose it the point of view concerning what it is necessary to speak at present about and that he has to understand. You remember the known story about how the kid asked the father from where he was born? The father made digression to the world of birds and bees. When it finished the lecture, the child noticed:“ Fathers, I only wanted to learn from what I the cities“. The adoptive parents concerned by need to tell the child about his status often offer it, “adult“, an adoption picture which does not interest him at all.When the parent says
with the child about adoption in language available to it, so, that the child is able to understand and realize all what he is told about, the fact of adoption becomes an integral part of its idea of itself. > the Task of adoptive parents - it is not simple to p to tell
to the child that he is adopted, and to dose information on a measure of his growing. The parent has to learn to listen to the child - so he will be able to understand how the child endures adoption and that it means to it in this or that moment of life. Conversation on adoption includes two participants differing not only a level of development, but also the relation to this event.
In children`s psychotherapy such direction - therapy by fairy tales is. The fairy tale which is told the child is not just a certain story about the famous heroes. It helps the child to orient with our adult world. The huge value of fairy tales consists that when parents are ready and know that they want to tell the child, but do not know at all what to begin with, fairy tales give the chance with ease to start conversation. Therefore stories and fairy tales - the fine beginning for very important conversation. Parents can think up the stories, having taken a plot of the famous fairy tale “Mother for a Baby Mammoth“ as a basis.
“There lived on light two women who did not know each other. You do not remember one, call another mother. Two different women who created your life. One was your guiding star, another became your sun. The first gave you life, and the second learned as it to live. The first gave you desire to be darling, and the second presented you love. One gave you a nationality, another named you. One presented you talent, another gave you the purpose. One presented you feelings, another pacified your fears. One could not provide you the house, another asked about the child, and God heard it. And now you ask me weepingly a question on which still nobody found the answer: whose I am a child? Anybody`s, my dear, anybody`s! Simply it is two different love“.
For the composition of own fairy tale can use the following algorithm:
- contemplate a problem, try to understand how the child himself perceives a situation;
- formulate the main idea of the story, what thoughts you would like to inform the child; the story should begin
- with the description of heroes who would have problems, similar to yours, - it will be simpler to child to be identified with the character of history if you make it the most similar to the child. It is desirable to give to the hero of the fairy tale a similar name or at least on the same letter; to it has to be
- as much years how many to the child, and superficially it has to resemble the child; telling
- about the “fantastic“ hero, do not forget to mention his advantages, strengths of his character, qualities and talents;
- you watch closely the child during the story, attract it to joint drawing up a plot of your history.
In a subject of adoption easy questions and definite answers cannot be li>. We address all who are not indifferent to destinies of little men which are deprived of the most important now - mothers and fathers, and to those who are already proud of the roditelstvo: you are necessary each other. The beginning adoptive parents need support and experience of people who coped with the fears and alarms which already found happiness in the adopted children. Share joyful minutes which you endured, - tell about the kid because he - the best.