Life with SDVG: questions of education
(Typical mistakes of parents) of
of the mistake which parents make at education of SDVG - the child can be divided into two types conditionally.
First are so-called “tool“ mistakes (a day regimen, training in methods of activity, private questions...) . Parents who generally do not experience difficulties in relationship with the children can make these mistakes, but do not possess special information and own skills of the treatment of them insufficiently. Councils how to impart skills of self-organization very much will be useful to such parents how to teach the child to planning how to help it to do homework how step by step to achieve the desirable... Such concrete advice is often given by experts, and they in a large number are placed including on our website.
Second are mistakes deeper, connected with a parental position in relation to the child; caused by personal deformation of parents. They are the most difficult as parents also need correction. Until these errors are corrected, errors of the first type too it is impossible to correct. Even if parents will try to apply special receptions, then will find out soon that these receptions or “do not work“ as it is necessary, or parents cannot long sustain the planned strategy, being again broken on shout and irritated, or the child refuses to do something.
Often the inquiry of parents sounds approximately so: “How to get rid of it - that the child`s shortcoming?“ The inquiry represents a request to cope with a specific problem, but it turns out that generally the problem consists in perception of the child parents, and it depends on their position in relation to the child. It is impossible to correct one private quality, all family needs reorganization: way of life, relationship of spouses, attitude towards the child, views of parents of life... Children very precisely reflect a condition of family life of parents. The shortcoming of the child is only a symptom of the general family trouble.
It is frequent in order that the “killed“ relationship moved from “a dead point“, happens enough that someone from parents took the trouble on correction of own position. Then changes which will happen in it and in its attitude towards the child will - bondage will give an impetus to new, positive moods and by that will promote positive changes in the child.
the Mechanism of formation of pathological qualities at children with SDVG
Told truly in relation to any, even safe, to the child. But if in families where children are generally healthy, with difficulties poorly - poorly cope, and shortcomings of children are evident less, then where children with SDVG grow, the intra family conflicts escalate excessively. In our families the problem of relationship is especially sharp, it reveals our own difficulties. SDVG without exaggeration can call both developer of personal problems of parents, and their catalyst. Therefore it will be a question of fundamental mental sets.
during pregnancy of mother have a certain image of future child in consciousness. They allocate it with desirable qualities, make plans concerning his future life, dream of great vital success of yet not been born children. The child with SDVG, as a rule, already in infancy begins to behave counter with expectations of mother. He is excitable, uneasy, sleeps badly, often cries, badly gets used to the mode and brings a lot of trouble upon the exhausted parents. Besides, such children often do not fit into age norms nervously - mental development, than in general plunge the parents into panic. Therefore cases when along with alarm mother begins to feel the hidden hostility in which she is afraid to admit even to herself to the kid are frequent. She treats the child slightly more sharply, than mother of his healthy peer, flies into a rage more often, shouts. By a year such child gets experience of maternal rejection which cannot but affect its mental state. From the fact that everything goes “not so“ mother begins to feel guilty and to treat even more unfriendly the kid who involuntarily became the reason of so burdensome experiences. Such mood of mother again not in the best way affects the child. The vicious circle is formed.Such circle not necessarily begins “to be wound“ by
in infancy. The feature of the child frightening parents can come to light at any age, and the mechanism of rejection is started...Love and acceptance - conditions full nervously - mental development Psychologists tell
about acceptance all the time. What is it? This recognition for the child of the right for identity and dissimilarity on anybody, including on parents; this understanding that the child has the right to be oneself, it is not obliged to meet anybody`s expectations, to carry out someone`s conceived program... this adoption of unique existence of this person, with all qualities peculiar to it.
Acceptance - the most important condition of parental love. When the child is accepted, he feels parental love (otherwise he doubts it). It does not depend on time spent with the child; from that, the house it or in a garden, material conditions, formal care... Only at confidence of the child in parental love perhaps correct formation of its mental world.
of Relationship, dialogue, contact
That the child felt parental love, between children and parents there has to be a good emotional contact. It is sincere interest in affairs of the child, even the small, trifling (from the point of view of parents), curiosity, aspiration to understand what changes happen to the child... Such interest has no relation to formal, visible care. Moreover, the care of other parents seen by everything, numerous occupations which join on their initiative the child not always promote achievement of this most important educational task. Therefore it is not so important, than to be engaged with the child, but it is necessary to care for contact maintenance always - at any age, regardless of his specific features, the relation to it of people around, its objective progress... If parents want that the child sought to become better, reached something, the first what they have to care for, - preservation of good contact with it. Contact in itself does not arise, parents have to build it.
What is necessary to construct and keep good emotional contact (relationship) with the child? A certain dialogue, interaction of the child and adult with each other is necessary. The child has to understand always as why the parent does, than he is guided in communication with it. The child has to be not object of educational influences, and the ally in the general family life. He has to participate in it as equal (whereas a usual position of parents - “over“ the child). The usual parental position is as follows: the adult is more senior, is more skilled, knows more, has force and independence... the child is silly, inexperienced, defenseless, we depend... But parents have to think not of it. The respect for potential opportunities of the child, the statement of value of its today is important... understanding that the childhood - a full-fledged stage of life that the child - not “left unfinished“ adult... it is necessary to recognize it equal to, but passing a certain vital stage.
of the Mistake, caused by a lack of acceptancethe Lack of acceptance is shown by
in wrong actions of parents, for example, of such:
- Statement of estimates: “Stupid person!“, “How many time to explain you!“ “Any fool on your place would already guess“... This statement can be even fair, but it does not matter as it does to relationship harm. Therefore in such reactions it is necessary to brake itself (at least). To condemn a concrete act, without connecting it with the personality - it is the rule! (The rule “not carry to the personality“ belongs, by the way, and to a praise). The personality can never be estimated - neither it is positive, nor is negative!
- Frequent odergivaniye, censures. To us it is inconvenient, awkward for behavior of the child, we as if justify ourselves. Odergivaniye in case of so-called podavlyayushche - accusatory education when the child incidentally or on ignorance makes something not so are especially frequent - parents seek to accuse him, but not to support.
- Constant instructions on the child`s shortcomings (allegedly that improved). Actually, acceptance - means understanding that the child develops, is constantly improved. And he will want to cope with the shortcoming itself on condition of parental support and trust. It is necessary to believe that in the child there is a lot of good and strong, and it will gradually get the best. That is parents need not to fix shortcomings, and to support advantages, to give strength for independent fight of the child against the shortcoming.
- the Inattention to positive sides of the personality. Good in the child - as though “and it is necessary“, we notice him a little. And it is a basis for correction of shortcomings. Therefore often speak:“ The child should be praised“. To praise - means, to recognize advantages, to emphasize positive, to place emphasis on it. Even the, apparently, smallest advantages of the child need constantly “to be pulled out outside“ - otherwise the child will have an impression about full own otioseness and about uselessness of any efforts.
- Ignoring of age and specific features. Parents often are guided by the ideas of qualities, desirable for the child, and treat the child so as if he already possesses them, but does not want “to try“ and “to make as it is necessary“. It is necessary to ask constantly to itself a question of borders of opportunities of the child. These borders (especially for children with SDVG) can be much lower, than for other children of the same age. Nevertheless, it is necessary to investigate constantly these borders and to understand that for the present moment it is a ceiling of opportunities of the child. It is unreasonable and cruel to demand from it bigger.
- of Edification, directive. “You have to...“ “You do nothing again“. Parents issue a certain circular, but do not provide with support and the active help. In case of failure the rebuff follows. The factor of obligation obliges, it is capable to become powerful destructive force. Children actively resist to such position, try to protest. When the child does not cope with an assignment (that is often perceived by parents as its active unwillingness, “laziness“), it is necessary to do it together with it, at the same time without stopping benevolent communication, showing as it needs to be done, without connecting an assignment with negative emotions. It concerns, for example, household chores: cleaning has to be joint (mother can clean the territory, the child - the. If and it is impossible to him, then it is better to clean his room together...).
- the Inattention to requirements and experiences of the child. At a forum questions often sound:“ How to me to correct in it-?“, and very seldom questions reflect aspiration of parents to help the child: “The child worries, wants to make, and it is impossible...“ It is very difficult to understand that is wanted by children whether they aspire besides that is wanted from them by parents. And for success in fight against “negative“ qualities of their children, children, the desire to cope with itself is obligatory.
of the Reason of rejection (what parents have to think of)
- the General dissatisfaction with life, discontent with that, “as everything developed“, marriage, work, that, “that I have“ - everything badly moreover and the child “not such“.
- the Authoritative character of mother urged to compensate insufficient influence of the father in education (in a basis - a dissatisfaction with marriage)... Often, for example, mother lays some hopes for the child because her expectations concerning marriage were not met. But the child with SDVG does not meet expectation of mother.
- the Increased uneasiness of mother (“If the child is not such what I imagine it, it will be bad. SDVG at the child is dangerous to his future...“), uncertainty in the future, fears - all this blocks independence of the child, denies good in it (this good, according to mother is, not enough, and in general it does not matter)... Hyper guardianship can be connected with the increased uneasiness too.
- Personal immaturity of mother, figuratively speaking, incorrect understanding of vital values and priorities. Usually it is expressed in installations:“ it is excellent to study at school “, “ to enter the good institute“, “to promote“, “to achieve situation“, “to have highly paid work“ and so forth. But at the same time is overlooked that the person can have all this, but not feel happy - our life, unfortunately, confirms it on each step. When the child perfectly studies at school, but does not understand why it is necessary, enters the unloved institute, its situation does not bring it satisfaction, and he hates the work and private life it does not develop, becomes clear that in life there is something else that parents could not inform it. SDVG can hinder realization of installations on “possession“, but does not prevent to be carried out to installations on “life“ at all - that is to aspiration of the person to become that whom it can become, reach an own maximum.
- of Attempt of parents to compensate unfortunate (in their opinion) own life by progress of the child. When parents could not achieve any vital objectives, they are inclined to lay unfairly high hopes on the child. It is clear, that SDVG is badly surmountable obstacle for realization of this installation.
the Motives of education
of the Mistake connected with rejection depend on what place in structure of the identity of parents is taken by motives of education (that is here we concern the bases of the personality - it potrebnostno - motivational structure).
- Need for emotional contact. When mother has no relatives, she is afraid of loneliness and seeks “to attach“ to herself the child, to make dependent on herself. As a result - too hyper guardianship. SDVG in consciousness of mother acts as an occasion (“it needs to be controlled all the time...“ ). It is necessary to answer himself a question honestly: why I am afraid to release it from myself? for whom I am afraid? Mother has to learn to separate the valid need of the child for care from the desire to constantly hold it near herself.
- Requirement of meaning of life. Mother in life has nothing, its days are filled with nothing therefore she seeks to fill them with cares of the child: regular jobs, talk on it, attention to each trifle... The woman resolves issues of own life. The illness of the child justifies such cares, gives them noble sense. Strangely enough, but mothers happens “favourably“ that the child did not cope, was ill, remained dependent (a good illustration - P. Sanayev`s story “Bury me behind a plinth“: life of the grandmother was empty therefore diseases of the little grandson justified life and filled it with sense).
- Requirement of achievement. When this need of parents had no due satisfaction, on the child obligations to achieve their dream are imposed. Fixing on achievements of the child, aspiration “to develop“, desire that the child showed progress, was best of all - can be examples of the educational installation connected with unrealized need for achievement. If the child achieves something, it, of course, is quite good, but it is necessary to realize always where on the first place its benefit and where - own ambitions. It is clear, that SDVG interferes with satisfaction of this parental requirement.
Education is understood by
- as a problem of formation of certain qualities. Parents have an idea of some supervaluable quality (more often it is the whole set) - mind, erudition, sportivnaya smartness, sense of duty, commitment... Parents impose to the child these qualities, try to prove that without these qualities full-fledged life is impossible, but thereby they deny him - show that such as is, he does not suit them. Children with SDVG seldom possess such qualities therefore irritate the parents.
- Need for comfortable existence, for disposal of problems. The child has to behave so that parents could “not strain“, “not to take a steam bath“, to provide them quiet life. SDVG is perceived as defect, incompatible with full-fledged life, influence it there is a wish to bring to naught. SDVG can disturb not so much the child, how many parents. And it disturbs the child indirectly: problems are created by not SDVG, but the parental attitude towards him. It is rather heavy to differentiate it as children always reflect parental influence (if to parents disturb feature of children, then children, most likely, will consider also). But it needs to be made out.
- Need for acceptance by people around, in compliance to social norms, a hyper sociality of installations. Not capable to fulfill the requirement of compliance to high social standards the child experiences rejection not only society, but also parents. They do not provide it support, do not rise on its party, fight against it, support those who condemn the child.
Conclusion: parents have to understand by what position they are guided and to have courage to recognize it at themselves, and then to manage to refuse it. And it is already a task for own personal growth. If parents do not cope with this task, they need the qualified help.
Them also SDVG symptoms are p>
of the Consequence of inadequate parental installations. SDVG in itself does not cause gross behavioural violations, they develop on the basis of specific features of nervous system (plus the contribution is made by the parental attitude towards the child) as secondary violations, that is caused by specific conditions of life in society. To a surface there are a frustration of a dream and appetite, fears, deviant (the behavior deviating the standard norms), laziness, dependences, aggression, roughness, whims, obstinacy, slackness and apathy... Parents try to cope with symptoms: drive on doctors, correct, punish, force, but it is few results. Elimination of symptoms does not lead to disposal of the reason - and the reason is covered in lack of full contact and inadequate understanding of educational tasks.
From told easily to draw a conclusion that ideal education does not happen - it depends on features and lines of the specific child. However in “ideal“ families three main conditions are satisfied: good emotional contact (close relations between children and parents); confidence of the child in parental love; the accurate, certain rules of conduct which are carried out by both parents, and children.the Parental position of “ideal“ parents differs in
- adequacy (ability to understand identity of the child, to see its strong and weaknesses);
- flexibility (ability to see where development of the child goes, ability to follow it, to monitor changes, to correct style of the behavior);
- a prognostichnost (ability not only to see how the child changes, but also the actions to create a basis for further positive changes - to expand a responsibility zone, to provide independence...) .
Would be unfair to reproach parents with dislike for the children. But the matter is that parents love children so, “as are able“, and the child often needs other love which main property - a friendly spirit in relation to the child. The main parental task consists in to adjusting the child to the outlook (which, in turn, developed under the influence of praroditelsky mistakes and different vital circumstances). Features of the child, but not own views, requirements of society, an assessment of people around, the representation about due have to be priority... It is what parents have to be exempted from in general. It is impossible to apply that type of education which is convenient to the parent, - it is necessary to look for as it is better for the child, to learn to see that the soul of the child in itself (represents SDVG - too a reality, it is necessary to learn to live with it...) .
When the child makes attempts to try the hand and to find a sphere of application of the abilities (and it can occur already to school), parents have to take active part in the organization of his life according to these abilities. Not to break its plans, not to try to realize the plans, and to manage to see them and to correct flexibly - to create conditions, to form Wednesday, to participate in development of abilities of the child.
I here then already to correct SDVG - if it prevents the child to execute conceived.