Rus Articles Journal

Life with SDVG: questions of education
(Typical mistakes of parents) of

of the mistake which parents make at education of SDVG - the child can be divided into two types conditionally.

First are so-called “tool“ mistakes (a day regimen, training in methods of activity, private questions...) . Parents who generally do not experience difficulties in relationship with the children can make these mistakes, but do not possess special information and own skills of the treatment of them insufficiently. Councils how to impart skills of self-organization very much will be useful to such parents how to teach the child to planning how to help it to do homework how step by step to achieve the desirable... Such concrete advice is often given by experts, and they in a large number are placed including on our website.

Second are mistakes deeper, connected with a parental position in relation to the child; caused by personal deformation of parents. They are the most difficult as parents also need correction. Until these errors are corrected, errors of the first type too it is impossible to correct. Even if parents will try to apply special receptions, then will find out soon that these receptions or “do not work“ as it is necessary, or parents cannot long sustain the planned strategy, being again broken on shout and irritated, or the child refuses to do something.

Often the inquiry of parents sounds approximately so: “How to get rid of it - that the child`s shortcoming?“ The inquiry represents a request to cope with a specific problem, but it turns out that generally the problem consists in perception of the child parents, and it depends on their position in relation to the child. It is impossible to correct one private quality, all family needs reorganization: way of life, relationship of spouses, attitude towards the child, views of parents of life... Children very precisely reflect a condition of family life of parents. The shortcoming of the child is only a symptom of the general family trouble.

It is frequent in order that the “killed“ relationship moved from “a dead point“, happens enough that someone from parents took the trouble on correction of own position. Then changes which will happen in it and in its attitude towards the child will - bondage will give an impetus to new, positive moods and by that will promote positive changes in the child.

the Mechanism of formation of pathological qualities at children with SDVG

Told truly in relation to any, even safe, to the child. But if in families where children are generally healthy, with difficulties poorly - poorly cope, and shortcomings of children are evident less, then where children with SDVG grow, the intra family conflicts escalate excessively. In our families the problem of relationship is especially sharp, it reveals our own difficulties. SDVG without exaggeration can call both developer of personal problems of parents, and their catalyst. Therefore it will be a question of fundamental mental sets.

during pregnancy of mother have a certain image of future child in consciousness. They allocate it with desirable qualities, make plans concerning his future life, dream of great vital success of yet not been born children. The child with SDVG, as a rule, already in infancy begins to behave counter with expectations of mother. He is excitable, uneasy, sleeps badly, often cries, badly gets used to the mode and brings a lot of trouble upon the exhausted parents. Besides, such children often do not fit into age norms nervously - mental development, than in general plunge the parents into panic. Therefore cases when along with alarm mother begins to feel the hidden hostility in which she is afraid to admit even to herself to the kid are frequent. She treats the child slightly more sharply, than mother of his healthy peer, flies into a rage more often, shouts. By a year such child gets experience of maternal rejection which cannot but affect its mental state. From the fact that everything goes “not so“ mother begins to feel guilty and to treat even more unfriendly the kid who involuntarily became the reason of so burdensome experiences. Such mood of mother again not in the best way affects the child. The vicious circle is formed.

Such circle not necessarily begins “to be wound“ by

in infancy. The feature of the child frightening parents can come to light at any age, and the mechanism of rejection is started...

Love and acceptance - conditions full nervously - mental development Psychologists tell


about acceptance all the time. What is it? This recognition for the child of the right for identity and dissimilarity on anybody, including on parents; this understanding that the child has the right to be oneself, it is not obliged to meet anybody`s expectations, to carry out someone`s conceived program... this adoption of unique existence of this person, with all qualities peculiar to it.

Acceptance - the most important condition of parental love. When the child is accepted, he feels parental love (otherwise he doubts it). It does not depend on time spent with the child; from that, the house it or in a garden, material conditions, formal care... Only at confidence of the child in parental love perhaps correct formation of its mental world.

of Relationship, dialogue, contact

That the child felt parental love, between children and parents there has to be a good emotional contact. It is sincere interest in affairs of the child, even the small, trifling (from the point of view of parents), curiosity, aspiration to understand what changes happen to the child... Such interest has no relation to formal, visible care. Moreover, the care of other parents seen by everything, numerous occupations which join on their initiative the child not always promote achievement of this most important educational task. Therefore it is not so important, than to be engaged with the child, but it is necessary to care for contact maintenance always - at any age, regardless of his specific features, the relation to it of people around, its objective progress... If parents want that the child sought to become better, reached something, the first what they have to care for, - preservation of good contact with it. Contact in itself does not arise, parents have to build it.

What is necessary to construct and keep good emotional contact (relationship) with the child? A certain dialogue, interaction of the child and adult with each other is necessary. The child has to understand always as why the parent does, than he is guided in communication with it. The child has to be not object of educational influences, and the ally in the general family life. He has to participate in it as equal (whereas a usual position of parents - “over“ the child). The usual parental position is as follows: the adult is more senior, is more skilled, knows more, has force and independence... the child is silly, inexperienced, defenseless, we depend... But parents have to think not of it. The respect for potential opportunities of the child, the statement of value of its today is important... understanding that the childhood - a full-fledged stage of life that the child - not “left unfinished“ adult... it is necessary to recognize it equal to, but passing a certain vital stage.

of the Mistake, caused by a lack of acceptance

the Lack of acceptance is shown by

in wrong actions of parents, for example, of such:

of the Reason of rejection (what parents have to think of)

the Motives of education

of the Mistake connected with rejection depend on what place in structure of the identity of parents is taken by motives of education (that is here we concern the bases of the personality - it potrebnostno - motivational structure).

Conclusion: parents have to understand by what position they are guided and to have courage to recognize it at themselves, and then to manage to refuse it. And it is already a task for own personal growth. If parents do not cope with this task, they need the qualified help.

Them also SDVG symptoms are p>

of the Consequence of inadequate parental installations. SDVG in itself does not cause gross behavioural violations, they develop on the basis of specific features of nervous system (plus the contribution is made by the parental attitude towards the child) as secondary violations, that is caused by specific conditions of life in society. To a surface there are a frustration of a dream and appetite, fears, deviant (the behavior deviating the standard norms), laziness, dependences, aggression, roughness, whims, obstinacy, slackness and apathy... Parents try to cope with symptoms: drive on doctors, correct, punish, force, but it is few results. Elimination of symptoms does not lead to disposal of the reason - and the reason is covered in lack of full contact and inadequate understanding of educational tasks.

“Ideal education“

From told easily to draw a conclusion that ideal education does not happen - it depends on features and lines of the specific child. However in “ideal“ families three main conditions are satisfied: good emotional contact (close relations between children and parents); confidence of the child in parental love; the accurate, certain rules of conduct which are carried out by both parents, and children.

the Parental position of “ideal“ parents differs in


Would be unfair to reproach parents with dislike for the children. But the matter is that parents love children so, “as are able“, and the child often needs other love which main property - a friendly spirit in relation to the child. The main parental task consists in to adjusting the child to the outlook (which, in turn, developed under the influence of praroditelsky mistakes and different vital circumstances). Features of the child, but not own views, requirements of society, an assessment of people around, the representation about due have to be priority... It is what parents have to be exempted from in general. It is impossible to apply that type of education which is convenient to the parent, - it is necessary to look for as it is better for the child, to learn to see that the soul of the child in itself (represents SDVG - too a reality, it is necessary to learn to live with it...) .

When the child makes attempts to try the hand and to find a sphere of application of the abilities (and it can occur already to school), parents have to take active part in the organization of his life according to these abilities. Not to break its plans, not to try to realize the plans, and to manage to see them and to correct flexibly - to create conditions, to form Wednesday, to participate in development of abilities of the child.

I here then already to correct SDVG - if it prevents the child to execute conceived.