Rus Articles Journal

The “wrong“ parents of

the Nettle grows itself, and it is necessary to tinker with cultural plants. And with the evil. It grows itself, and the good is grown up. As to a wild seedling impart escape of a cultural apple-tree, and the little person needs to impart at least a kidney from a great tree of human culture that it found an opportunity to become “with a century on an equal basis“. But also then it is necessary to look after a tree - to fertilize, form krone, deleting excess escapes, to struggle with wreckers - well, to bring up.

One and all fathers and mothers want

to children of good, but everyone understands it in own way and differently represents how to cultivate this good. It is possible to bring the son - the teenager into Tretyakov gallery and to leave him alone with rublevsky “Trinity“, and it is possible to bring to him (and bring!) sex magazine and, using it as the visual aid, to din what is the real man.

I here, and there - conscious training of the person for life, aspiration to open for him truth of life, but are so incompatible these installations! However even if people meet in an assessment of the good and evil (and the majority here all - are uniform), then in methods of education of a discrepancy they are simply striking. One believe that it is enough to feed and dress the child, the rest will be put. Others pursue carrot and stick policy. The third - only a whip, the fourth - only gingerbread. The fifth - supporters of “free education“, without any moral reference points and restrictions. The sixth impart to children consciousness of own exclusiveness - etc. Where reference point? And whether there is it?


It is threatened, we warn

there is an opinion that huge (without exaggerations) in education of the child style of communication with it matters. To tell the truth, the majority of us is guided by natural motives: we order, we warn, we threaten, we moralize, we propose ready solutions, we accuse or we flatter, we deride, we state guesses, we inquire, we sympathize, we persuade or laugh the matter off, hiding in bushes. It is style of domination, but not trust: contact, proximity between parents and children it does not assume and does not bring, and without it children decay - and is moral, and physically.

the Right of a druzhestvo

, however, the parents who chose other way Exist. It is unlikely it you will call “natural“ (unless only wisdom and a step - things natural and everyday). They voluntarily refused, so to speak, the parental right, having preferred it the right of a druzhestvo, or as Vladimir Nabokov perfectly called it, the right of a sorovestnichestvo. These strange, “wrong“ parents do not cut through to children the road to life, and peer and listen attentively to them, growing old to understand, than the nature presented them and what gave short. They slowly and imperceptibly adjust the tool of children`s mentality, teaching sons and daughters to resolve structurally the conflicts and to overcome crises (them and in children`s life in bulk). A way which the “wrong“ parents use, bringing up the kids, is called “personally focused“ style of communication. Let`s tell about it in more detail.

You exist - means, I love you

“Personally focused“ communication conscious and systematically focuses attention on another, in this case the child.

the Initial principle of such education - unconditional acceptance of the child it what it is, love to it for the fact that it exists. From here follows that it is possible to show discontent with actions of the child, but not the child per se and not his feelings. To conform to such rule it is very difficult - which of us is not irritated from time to time by the son or the daughter? And as difficult happens to keep itself from intervention in occupations of the child - as if from desire to correct something, and in essence without trusting it. However to help the son or the daughter when they ask about the help, it is absolutely necessary.

the Major thing

the “Wrong“ parents know one major thing - they know about existence “zones of the next development of the child“, that is a circle of cases which the child can carry out only with adults. Value of this zone is immensely big, especially for children of younger age when everything is perceived more sharply and is acquired quicker. A system together with the child locks from cubes, reading books with pictures, pronouncing as if accidentally foreign words, we lay the foundation of logical and figurative thinking, recognition of images, language skills and a lot of things are many other things.

Than more widely “a zone of the next development“ and the more vigorously parents are engaged with the child, the quicker it develops, mastering these or those actions already as independent. The zone too constantly extends - due to inclusion in it of new actions. And if some of these independent actions to parents not on heart?

the “Wrong“ parents also in this case will not blame and be indignant with

. They will try to take root on the “enemy“ territory, showing the most genuine interest in hobbies of posterity - over time to change their contents.

the feeling has a name

Many if not the majority of children`s problems are generated by pain, offense, fear. In such cases it is the best of all to listen to the child actively. It is the “wrong“ way of communication too - usually we console, we persuade, etc. To listen actively - means “to return“ to the child in conversation what he reported, having called by the name of his feeling. Such way of sympathy does not leave the child alone with his sorrows and yields sometimes miracle results as negative feelings (pain, offense), being accurately designated, resolve quicker - and the child himself progresses in the solution of the problem now. (We will notice, here too it is necessary to conform to certain rules of communication, in particular during the story about the next children`s drama of an eye of the child and yours have to be at one level).

“I - the message“

the “Wrong“ parents do not hide own feelings, but speak about them from the first person, that is speak about themselves, but not about behavior of the child (“I do not love...“ instead of “You behave....“, “Strongly tires me...“ instead of “Do not rustle...“, etc.) . Such “I - messages“ do not wound children`s self-esteem and, being stated not in mandative tone, without morals, leave an opportunity for children to make the decision.

It is very important to p to commensurate the expectations with opportunities of the child and not to “appropriate“ his emotional problems: it has to become independent and in the field of feelings sooner or later.

the Order - guarantee of decency

It is no secret that children (as well as to all of us) need an order and firm rules of conduct. They want and wait for them that life became clear, predictable and safe. And only sense of proportion and worldly wisdom will prompt what rules have to be rigid what - flexible where children will have a zone of the free choice etc. Parental requirements should not enter an obvious contradiction with pressing needs of the child even if this hobby for some teenage idol awful in your opinion.

I have no right to despair

the approach at the “wrong“ parents and to behavior of children. The reasons of impudent behavior seem them not in natural perversity or someone`s bad influence, and in unrealized need of the child for attention. It is necessary to remember that “difficult“ usually not the worst, but the most sensitive and vulnerable children are among, those which need the help and attention more sharply. Usually parents react to negative behavior of the child irritation, offense, anger or feeling of despair that is as the child assumes. To break off this vicious circle, it is necessary to switch consciously and cleverly the negative emotions to constructive actions.“ Wrong“ parents also follow this superdifficult way, steadily, contrary to everything paying to the child attention.

Eight kisses a day

Are one surprisingly simple rule to which so these smart “wrong“ parents steadily conform: communication with the child will be more fruitful if to embrace him 4, and 8 times a day are better.

to establish the deep reasons of children`s anger, rage, envy, it is necessary to remember that they are secondary in relation to feelings of pain, offense, fear which in turn arise from unsatisfied need for love, recognition, respect. The basic aspirations put into words “I-good“ (self-assessment), “I are the cornerstone of the last - we love“, “I - can“. The base of all this pyramid is the feeling of internal wellbeing (or trouble) which is formed at the child as a result of our treatment of him.

Feeling of trouble - a root of all children`s anomalies and tragedies. Let`s remember that punishment or self-punishment of the child only aggravate him, and only vigilant fostering of feeling of a worthiness can help with it. “To foster“ - very good, very exact word. It means - to love, understanding and respecting, and - to demand, admiring and loving.

In the article we widely used book materials Yu. Gippenreyter “To communicate with the child. How?“ - M.: Chero, 1997.