Rus Articles Journal

Exit is, or my story about a postnatal depression of

When I understood that I faced a postnatal depression, began to look for stories and stories of women who in the past coped with it. It turned out that on “7e“ only several such stories. Conclusions arose by itself: or the postnatal depression is very unusual occurrence, or women are ashamed and hesitate of what with them was. And, maybe, are afraid that they will be condemned or misunderstood?

It is valid, on the website nearly an every day it is possible to read new stories about pregnancy and childbirth, as a rule, optimistic and with humour written; councils of mothers and even fathers are published how to look after, bring up and develop the child, and about what internal problems young mother faces, only psychologists as though to women these problems of the relation have a little say. On the one hand, it is correct: the there is less “seamy side“, the better, there is no wish to frighten those who only prepare for motherhood. And on the other hand, if we do not speak about problems, it does not mean that they do not exist.

Here such long preamble to my narration. Just there is a wish not only most to express, but also to show the example that an exit from a condition of a postnatal depression is. Of course, at each woman who faced it, it the, as well as the reasons which led it to this state. So, all one after another.

Still being a pregnant woman, in specialized magazines for young mummies I periodically met articles about a postnatal depression.

- With fat of mummy rage, - I thought. - Of the child it is necessary to think, but not of himself favourite, - and, even without having read up up to the end, leafed through the page, assured that the depression after the delivery happens only at those who are weak in spirit, loves freedom or just is afraid of new duties.

But at that moment the world span with

around the pregnant woman me. All desires were granted, a continuous positive and a glorification me as future mother all surrounding people. About bad even there was no wish to think.

However childbirth took place

not as I expected: doctors had to interfere with natural process, at excellent patrimonial activity and full disclosure from - for “clinical discrepancy“ the sonny was born as a result of Cesarean section (I wrote about it here). And spinal anesthesia did not “take“ me, and it was necessary to add the general anesthesia so met the kid several hours later after operation. It so wounded me vanity that in the first days roared several times. It seemed to me that I am not full-fledged mother that could not give to the sonny very important: the love the first minutes of his independent life. As I dreamed that it in greasing will be put to me on a stomach that I will feed with the first food - colostrum drops, and “tears of joy will slide on my cheeks“! And at that moment disappointment tears slid. Here so to me the depression came.

When we from synuly were discharged by

from maternity hospital, various sources of information about children - C-section babies became available to me. And here I was rolled by the second wave of a depression: it appears, according to most of doctors, the child cannot be healthy if was born as a result of surgery. About problems with cervical department of a backbone, it was told about defeats of the central nervous system in magazines, books and the Internet. Supporters of natural childbirth assured in mental and nearly of physical inferiority of children - C-section babies. And then each problem with health of the son (frequent and plentiful vomiting, dysbacteriosis, bad dream, night shouts, allergy, etc.) was explained by doctors that there was difficult delivery. The reason of all sores of a synula - the birth as a result of Cesarean section. So in me sense of guilt before the son arose, and it gradually began to force out other feelings. Looked on synulyu and thought: “What we with you unfortunate!“

had to rejoice and enjoy

Ya the motherhood, love the sonny and to be happy, but I wanted to return in day of childbirth and to start everything anew. There was a feeling that everything that happens to me, not in reality that it is only rehearsal. I ceased to live in the present. Feelings of pity to myself, fault before the kid, feelings of worthless mother and the wife - here what I faced right after childbirth.

the Third wave of a depression was provoked by the husband. I understand that he did not want to offend me, just from his lips involuntarily escaped: “As you grew old!“

looked at

Ya in a mirror more attentively. Yes, I was faced by the old woman - the boozer: the swelled-up person, wrinkles and bags under eyes. And the reason for that was quite certain: during operation to me injected some drug, most likely, an antibiotic (on widely applied penicillin and its derivatives at me an allergy what I warned physicians before operation about) on which even in reanimation I began allergic reaction. At first from - for the appeared blisters on all body I thought that I was bitten by mosquitoes, but then on a stomach rash developed.“ You something ate it“, - nurses, and assured me then at first and doctors of maternity hospital though, except crackers, in reanimation from food to me nothing was brought, even water was not.


so ate, so will pass soon. But rash passed houses to hips, a breast and a face and began to scratch, and from hypostases eyes hardly opened and at the same time under them bags appeared. Least of all there was a wish to communicate with medics again, but “compliment“ of the spouse forced me to address the dermatologist (there is no allergist in our policlinic). The diagnosis sounded so:“ Dermatitis of an unspecified origin“. The doctor wrote out 2 types of cream and ordered to wait. Cream I bought, but, having read the instruction, was angry since their application was forbidden during chest feeding though I during reception several times told the doctor that I nurse the child.

hair began to drop out Then. They remained very much on a hairbrush that even teeth were not visible. Now I understood why all my familiar young mothers cut the long hair and made hairstyles shorter.

A still. The first 1,5 months after the delivery I almost did not remove a bandage. With it I was hurt less by a stomach when took the son on hands. But, when the bandage was removed finally, the empty wineskin which is hanging down on the place of my once flat stomach was found.“ The twentieth week of pregnancy“ - my stomach so was called.

the Acute shortage of communication was shown by

not at once. The husband at work, the family and friends far: who lives in opposite part of our immense country, and who just was away on vacation (there was a summer, and holidays in our corner of the world especially long as here speak, “from - for wildnesses“). During an extract from maternity hospital we from synuly were met only by the spouse, but then it not especially upset me: had no time for communication.

there Passed week, the second. Nobody called, wrote, came on a visit.“ I am necessary to nobody, nobody loves me“ - I drew a conclusion, and tears appeared again.

should do to

something, otherwise pity to themselves and the son, feelings of own otioseness and uselessness could lead to something to more serious. And though externally the depression, except rare tears, in any way was shown any more, I had it in the head in the form of so-called “cockroaches and worms“ which just ate my brain:“ I am unfortunate “, “ I am necessary to nobody “, “ from - for me my child is unfortunate “, “ I am guilty of diseases of my sonny “, “ I am bad mother and the wife “, “ I am an ugly creature“ etc. When I understood that it and is a postnatal depression, it already was half-affairs. The drunkard never recognizes that he has problems with binge, and the beginning addict is always sure that he at any time can stop using drugs. Their effective treatment begins when they recognize the dependence.

And I. Probably, the simplest exit was to address the psychotherapist, especially one of such experts left the coordinates to all during class, obligatory for pregnant women, in psychological preparation for childbirth in ZhK. But there was nobody to leave the son, and with him there was no wish to go anywhere. Before, to invite the psychotherapist to the house, I did not have soobrazhalka. But it was enough to understand for itself one thought:“ My child does not need unfortunate mother“.


with the most necessary for me at that moment - communication. In a situation of the compelled blockade the Internet became an outlet. Through social sites there were forgotten schoolmates and classmates, the lost relatives and the former neighbors. On the family websites it was possible to be registered, participate in competitions, to ask questions, to express the opinion and just to communicate.

of Holiday of friends post correspondence and phone calls ended, resumed, new acquaintances appeared. I not one in this world!

Almost along with development of a scope of the Internet was engaged in

in the appearance. Found cream which could be combined with chest feeding, and in 3 days rash descended. Hypostases and bags disappeared by itself. Hair it was decided to leave alone and ahead of time not to cut, especially, in a braid not especially - that and the new hairstyle would be visible, and to refuse long hair did not enter my plans. As it will not seem strange, almost gathered in a stomach by means of a set of exercises of “A leg of the international standard“.

Courses for pregnant women which I attended in 2 months prior to childbirth was conducted by very slender woman whom was years for 40. We, pregnant Koloboks, admired its figure.

of “A leg of the international standard“, - she when the next time future mothers started talking about former symmetry somehow said. I decided that it it about the legs.“ It is too loudly told“, - I thought. And here, when there was a question how to gather in the stomach, in the searcher gathered this combination of words. It turned out that there is such set of exercises, and it is directed not only to legs. Calculated for only 6 weeks, in total with reasonable food it just by miracle returned me to former doberemenny forms.

O than each young mother dreams? To sleep! I was not an exception. It would seem, what is simpler, the kid sleeps, go to bed also you. But we not only mothers, we also wives. Washing, cleaning, cooking, an ironing, a campaign behind purchases. Who will do it if not I? Unfortunately, saving in many families, parents, our with the spouse, live almost for 7 thousand kilometers from our house therefore to count on their help was unreal. It is possible to do household chores was only during a synula dream since all the time of his wakefulness we were engaged “in feeding on demand“.

So, washing. From - for especially sensitive skin and an allergy the sonny could not spend more than 2 hours in a row therefore we used usual gauze diapers in pampers. Per day the son made to 40 “having peed“ also “pokak“. 2 times a day were necessary to erase diapers and diapers. The spouse favourably agreed to erase them in the evening, and I had only morning washing (from - for features of water supply of our urban area with us the machine - a semiautomatic device therefore business was not limited to simple loading of linen in a drum). Minus 1 hour

Ironing. And what for? From - for an ironing of a diaper and diapers pass air less, and I wanted that they were more “breathing“. I found confirmation of this thought in the book of the pediatrician Evgeny Komarovsky who too at a lack of time recommended to refuse an ironing of children`s linen since it is necessary only “for satisfaction of needs of adults for beauty“. To the present shame, at that moment I did not feel need for beauty of diapers. Minus 40 minutes.

Cleaning. Mopping departed to the spouse`s duties (it was difficult and painful to me to bend down), and to wipe dust and to vacuum not so long and it is possible not every day. Minus 30 minutes for 2 days.

Cooking. There was no wish to poison with semi-finished products like ready purchased pelmeni, fish sticks and sausages either itself, or the son (he eats my milk), nor the spouse. The frozen mixed vegetables came to the rescue. It is not necessary to clean, cut. Also they prepare quicker. Minus 1 hour

of Purchase too for the period of steel the spouse`s duty. He, as well as considers most of men, shopping as business extremely burdensome therefore I made list of what needs to be bought in advance. Specified firm of the producer, the approximate price, the place of purchase in this list, made a route and even the plan - the scheme of finding of the necessary shops.


it was by practical consideration established that bakery products remain rather fresh in the refrigerator more than a week, and in the freezer not only meat, vegetables and fruit, but even cheese, milk and cottage cheese perfectly remain. So, the number of shopping by the spouse was reduced to a minimum. Minus 6 hours a week.

Total: nearly 4 and a half hours daily which could be spent in the afternoon for a dream.

Since in the first months after operation I physically could not lift a carriage, and it was impossible leave it on 1 floor at home, hours-long walks under exhausts of domestic cars were replaced with “walks“ on a balcony 4 - go the floor. Here in a carriage slept synulya, and near the balcony door opened just in case on the sofa I dozed.

When dreams of a dream stopped being actual, there was a wish to do some shopping most and just to take a walk. The kengurushka - a transformer which could be used since the birth since came to the rescue. the child in it was in horizontal position. And the backpack became my second savior. Many hesitate of it, but only with it it is possible to buy products for 3 days and to hold with free hands synulyu, sleeping in a kangaroo, to open an entrance door or to pay for purchases.

I will Never forget my first exit to the street without husband with the half-month son. People around paid attention to us, offered the help, passed without turn. It was very pleasant. I perfectly understood that the time spent with synuly in public places has to be minimum, and tried not to abuse the appeared freedom of movement.

When became possible to take instead of a shower a bath (and there was it after allocations stopped and crusts on a seam disappeared), every evening I began to give 40 minutes to myself. The sonny already slept by this time, was instructed the spouse watches over the sleeping child, and I enjoyed hot water and reading glossy women`s magazines. These minutes I considered myself as the egoist, but later with new forces could carry out duties of mother and the wife.

it would Seem to

what else? But in dreams I continued to come back in day of childbirth, thought of that and what would be if … It was impossible to return that day, but to repeat childbirth quite really. However, it will be the second childbirth, and childbirth of other kid, the second. I found several forums in the Internet and even the websites in support of natural childbirth after the childbirth of operating rooms postponed earlier. I read much, downloaded useful information and interesting stories, I spoke about it much and consulted on doctors. The idea to give rise most became for me very important since need to prove to itself that I am the real mother, did not die away.

But after a while euphoria from an opportunity to give rise most left. Among stories narrations and with the sad end began to appear, childbirth with a hem on a uterus is a risk not only for mother, but also for the child. And I thought what is better: successful result of Cesarean section or unsuccessful natural childbirth? That it is more important: health of the kid or my maternal ambitions? The answer was obvious.

Many famous women gave birth to the children by means of Cesarean section too: Victoria Beckham, Klaudia Schiffer, Brook Shields, Whitney Houston, Jennifer Lopez, Christina Aguilera, Irina Slutskaya, Milla Jovovich, Julia Roberts, Angelina Jolie, Alika Smekhova, Britney Spears, Gwen Stefanie - the list can be continued indefinitely. And some stars, as well as I, worried emergency Caesarian though they wanted to give rise in the natural way: Madonna, Svetlana Khorkina, Irina Dubtsova. Them nobody even thinks to accuse of some inferiority.

Then me the dream dreamed

. Some famous fortuneteller conducts reception, to her big turn, and I am following. I stand and think of that why to me to it, I do not want to know the future. And here I before the fortuneteller:
- Tell what expects my son?
- At you will be two more children: girl and boy. But now you should not think of them. Be engaged in the son, and everything will turn out as you want.


to me remembered words of the fortuneteller. And it is right, it is necessary not to miss every minute, carried out near synuly and to enjoy it. Sense of guilt began to leave, and quickly enough heart was completely filled with feeling of love. And this love received the practical embodiment in the toys created by my hands and different bagatelles especially for a synula (I already wrote about the developing rug here).


to me very much likes a slogan of one advertizing company:“ Together with the child mother is born“. She does not become bad only because its childbirth was operating rooms that its treasure constantly cries, wants to eat eternally, often is ill, wakes up at night and craps at the most inappropriate moment. Just nobody says to it that she is good mother that everything does correctly. And her baby yet not in forces to tell: “Mummy, I love you! You are the best mother on light!“ These words will be told much later, but the love of the kid filled his first smile, gentle embrace, amusing to “ag“ and long-awaited “ma - ma“.

the Sadness and longing and thoughts of my otioseness as mothers, wives and just women gradually began to leave. And day when the depression abandoned me finally, came approximately in a year after the synula birth: this day I visited the most elite and professional beauty shop in our city - the place where you feel like the woman. Happy, beautiful, well rested mother - what else is necessary for happiness of the kid?

Though is not present

, the depression leaves together with these, the last lines about it. You lived the whole year in me and with me, a depression. And now, “good-bye“! No, “farewell“!