Parental programming on failure of
What words most often was told us in the childhood by our parents? What tried to warn us against? What lectured for? What own views wanted to inform us? Sometimes these parental suggestions program all our further life, is frequent - strongly complicate it.
was Meant well, and it turned out …
Any parents, being in senses and strong memory, wish well to the child. Proceeding from the best motives, trying to warn the beloved child against struggles of life, they periodically set him on the right path. In each family for this purpose use these or those favourite educational appeals, and everywhere - the. Often, exactly these, repeatedly repeated parental suggestions program all our further life. And sometimes - strongly it is complicated. We, in turn, having strongly acquired parental precepts, we can it is free or involuntarily descend them to the growing-up children.Psychologists Robert and Mary Gulding called
this phenomenon parental directives.
Directive first: “Do not live!“to
“To me does not need such bad girl!“, “As I was tired of you …“, “Yes what you would vanish into thin air, the intolerable boy!“. These and similar words which are thoughtlessly thrown by parents to the child can lead to assimilation of the scary directive “Do Not Live!“ by him. Promote it and infinitely repeating stories of mother about how there are a lot of forces on education of the son or daughter to her should be spent how many things it was forced to offer from what, for the sake of the birth or wellbeing of the child, had to refuse:“ If not you, I would graduate from institute … “, “ I was the promising actress, but you were born and …“.
Regularly hearing similar, the little person decides that it is a source of all parental problems, the destroyer of their hopes and in general - obviously superfluous in this world.
Constantly testing sense of guilt before mother or the father, the child comes to an unconscious conclusion that he has to be punished. Also begins to aspire involuntarily, one way or another, to draw it upon itself.to
Such children can be strongly subject to injuries, they are constantly got involved in fights, make rash, life-threatening acts.
Becoming adults, carriers of the directive “Do Not Live“ resort to various ways of self-damage. It can be a drinking habit, to drugs, the choice of a criminal path. They, feeling useless, to nobody necessary, unworthy love, to a thicket of others think of suicide.
Directive second: “Do not do!“
“Do not run - you will fall!“, “Do not open a window - you will catch a cold!“, “Do not play soccer - you will sweat!“. Similar cautions were heard on hundred times in the course of the day by owners of this directive from the supersponsoring and disturbing parents. “Do not do the instruction!“ often means: “Do not do without me, I know better as!“
as a result davny - long ago the people who grew up from “short panties“ continue to experience enormous difficulties with adoption of independent decisions. With mother`s milk absorbed the motto “measure seven times,-cut off one!“ they repeatedly “measure“, but as a result never “cut off“. They can shelve even the most simple affairs like purchase of new boots or a visit of cinema what to speak about adoption of such fatal decisions as a marriage or change of the place of work.
Directive third: “Do not trust!“
“Cannot trust anybody. - it is possible for me!“ - the character of the famous movie said. Approximately such suggestion is received from the parents by carriers of this directive. Becoming adults, they with great difficulty establish the close, confidential relations with people, especially - with representatives of an opposite sex.
It is frequent, the only person, worthy trust, for them for the rest of life there is mother or the father. The others, being afraid of treachery, they do not hurry “to let to themselves in soul“, being limited only to the superficial, emotionally not painted contacts.
In the business, professional relations carriers of the directive “Do Not Trust!“ too constantly wait for deception and a dirty trick, suspecting partners of dishonesty, being afraid that surrounding only with that and they are engaged that build against them secret intrigues.
Directive fourth: “Be not a child!“to
This directive is well familiar to the senior children in a family. Having hardly become happy owners of the younger brother or the little sister, they right there learned that they now “absolutely adult“ and therefore have to: to concede, help, to share and in everything to set an example to younger generation
Often, growing in hyper responsible adults, they experience specific difficulties: hardly relax, habitually refuse to themselves pleasures, inhibit the “children`s“ desires and requirements and even if follow the tastes of the small weaknesses, long then feel guilty.
Directive fifth:“ Do not mature“
Often this ban is imposed on the younger or only children. The situation is aggravated if parents see the value only in being a good father or mother.
Unrealized it is professional, mother who does not have special interests out of a family, being afraid to be out of work, can it is free or involuntarily inspire in the child:“ Do not hurry to become the adult“.
Having received such installation, the person can be late too in the childhood, having forever remained “small“. To it happens not easy to establish own family, - falling in love with someone, he feels like, nearly the traitor in relation to parents, infinitely “looks back“ at them before taking this or that step, does not strive for psychological or financial independence.to be exempted by
from a paternoster
“Do not think“, “Be not oneself“, “Do not feel“, “Do not lean out“, “Do not achieve success“ … The list of the implicit orders received by us in the childhood can be continued infinitely. Our, bearing freight of own complexes, parents transferred them to us from the, same diffident fathers and mothers. Without being big experts on psychological theories, they as could, tried to teach us to life. And it is possible to teach, as we know, only to what you know... It is given us, in turn, raising the children always to foresee, “as our word will respond“? Whether it will turn out to create at us in own families an ideal educational environment, free from directives? It is unlikely it is possible, we are only people and are not omnipotent at all … the unconscious decisions made by us in the childhood, to make own choice, free from parental programs, to go in the way. And still - to give an opportunity of the choice of the way to our children, to help them to get rid of directives, us data.
It is given us, in turn, raising the children always to foresee, “as our word will respond“? Whether it will turn out to create at us in own families an ideal educational environment, free from directives? It is unlikely it is possible, we are only people and are not omnipotent at all …However each of us has full authority to change
the unconscious decisions made by us in the childhood, to make own choice, free from parental programs, to go in the way. And still - to give an opportunity of the choice of the way to our children, to help them to get rid of directives, us data.