Rus Articles Journal

The second first child of

the Birth of the desired firstborn - one of the most pleasant and considerable events of family life. And unless the fact that for the father this child - not the first can change something? Actually can... Together with pleasure in this case often there are also other feelings - difficult and inconsistent. About it we are told by the psychologist Svetlana Iyevleva.

The fact that the man maintains the relations with the child from first marriage is considered plus.

the Prince on a white horse singing serenades and showering the darling in the flowers. The strong and courageous soldier ready any minute to protect people around from any enemies. The ingenious scientist rescuing all planet from environmental disasters... Female ideas of the elect can be the most different, but at all originality possess also common features.“ He has to love me and our children“ - the first important quality uniting all female dreams. Of course, anyhow?

“It has to love only me and only our children“... It is unlikely there will be a girl dreaming to find the husband with rich life experience in the form of already available family, children and divorce problems. But it, of course, happens - and recently even more often. Reasons? Weakening of institute of marriage, established practices to leave children after divorce with mother, population shift, biological aspiration of men to have posterity from several women... Though there is an opinion that women are guilty of such situation only. Having become financially and socially independent, they do not aspire to the strong and indestructible union any more - so that one both for the rest of life - and often subconsciously choose not so much the husband to themselves how many the father to the children. And the fact that men whom it is possible to recognize as the best candidates for this role (independent, self-assured, taken place professionally and standing on the own two feet financially) are already busy (all this is reached only with age!) confuses women less. Anyway, but at the first stage of the relations with the person which already had an experience of family life many really do not see any problems. Even the fact that the man maintains the relations with the child from first marriage is estimated as plus, it speaks about its positive fatherly qualities. But own kid is born - and a lot of things change. And structure of the relations of people which are involved in this situation and how each of them estimates the events... There are feelings of which earlier nobody thought, and with them problems to which nobody was ready.

With the birth of the kid in a new family the relations with the first wife always change.

Jealousy. Of course, it arises at all senior children - irrespective of age and the developing family situation. The difference is that the child having with the younger brother or the sister of the general parents can express the jealous feelings more freely, than children “from first marriage“. They and divorce of parents often worry as own fault.“ The father left because I was bad - did not sleep in kindergarten, was capricious and tore its book“, - the child thinks, owing to the egocentricity without understanding yet that between mother and the father there can be personal relations, absolutely not related. Of course, said to it that it is not guilty that the father continues to love it, though lives in other family, but... Here it, proof! The father has now other kid whom he admires and whom very much loves. And here you will do nothing - and if suddenly you do, then the father can finally stop loving. The child begins to behave just ideally: helps to look after the kid, plays, walks and at any opportunity shows the fraternal affection. He constrains the tension how many can, and then suddenly cries in any insignificant occasion, begins to gnaw nails or to complain of bad dreams. The child can even get sick - on the mechanism of conditional desirability if he feels that only this way it can draw attention of the father to itself(himself) and win his love. The hidden jealousy can be shown and in a different way. The senior child begins to do “incidentally“ something unpleasant or even dangerous to the kid. Held - and suddenly dropped, or unintentionally included too cold water, or touched, passing by. Over time such hidden tretirovaniye can become a norm in the relations, having laid the foundation to frank hostility.

Jealousy - one of strongest on emotion of energiya.
you Should not be angry if with the birth of the kid the senior begins to organize protest actions.
Should do to

something … Or rather, on the contrary - it is necessary to do nothing. It is not necessary to explain to the child that he has to love small (“He to you all - native“), it is not necessary to insist on their regular and close communication (that got used to each other quicker), it is not necessary to be angry if he organizes protest actions. You treat indulgently its tricks - though they can sometimes seem scandalous. Slava was six years old when in a new family of his father the daughter was born. The boy, as before, spent days off at the father, holidays - and no problems in communication with the new father`s wife and the daughter existed. So all thought - so far the father did not meet Slava`s teacher who expressed on the street... sympathy and compassion. It appears, Slava told it that the little sister dropped out of a carriage and now will long - be in hospital long.“ To it do not even let anybody and all the time give injections“ “Is not present, will write out it not soon“. The father and his wife, six-months, absolutely healthy Alenka`s mother, and Slava`s mother - everything were in perplexity: whether it is possible to consider normal the child who thought up it? Imagine, it is possible. The matter is that jealousy - one of the strongest emotions on power, and if not to give it a real exit (at least in words), she will get over in realm of fancy. And here, as you can see, the most unexpected options are possible.

Family happiness consists of hundreds the smallest at first sight details.

Pity. There is an opinion that children from incomplete or summary families are less happy, than those who all the childhood live with the family mother and the father. Actually it not so. No, of course, it is impossible to argue with the fact that a full family - it is good. But for feeling of happiness and harmony of one this fact it is not enough - happiness consists of hundreds of the most different details which directly do not depend on numerical structure of the people living together. But traditional images are hardy - we from children`s fairy tales remember what is to “sirotinushka“ with the stepmother and her own children. All who know about a family situation are to a greater or lesser extent subject to such installation: relatives, tutors in a garden, teachers at school and even neighbors. And all of them try to help... as they think.“ The ordinary child can be in bad mood or be irritated at the slightest pretext. But if something my daughter had similar, then the teacher will surely remind that “in her situation it is explainable“. Frankly speaking, I was bothered by sympathy - especially when it is shown by new relatives of the husband. Mother of his new wife, for example, so loads with presents the daughter gifts that it is similar to atonement of fault“.

Should do to

something … Of course, it is impossible to call pity absolutely bad feeling - reasonably it is wrapped in kind acts and helps the one for whom we feel sorry. A question only in sense of proportion. In psychology such phenomenon as programming is known. Its essence that our ideas of the future - as our own, and our children - come true. Installation on heavy, sad existence has to be immediately eliminated. By the way, children are not inclined to long drama experiences - such is the feature of children`s mentality protecting nervous system from overloads. The child will perfectly feel at any deal of events if there are for this purpose suitable conditions and suitable people. There is no need for creation of the hothouse environment - especially as it can significantly affect also development. Getting used to situation small and unfortunate, the child begins to manipulate - and acquires this way of interaction with people around as the best. And it is fraught with adjustment of the relations with world around by it further.

Offense. The majority of divorces happens at mutual desire. But the percent of people who feel at the same time absolutely quietly is very small. Even years later many continue to have feelings of disappointment, offense and jealousy - and regularly trace everything that occurs in a new family of the husband or wife. Often it happens so that completely and finally it is impossible to break link between those who were close in general. It is good if what remained, it is possible to call an easy regret and grief, - and it is expressed in infrequent calls with the question “How are you doing?“. It is much worse if there were so many unresolved problems and unexpressed claims that they begin to complicate the relations and in a new family.“ The ex-wife of my husband tolerantly treated our union and even maintained the friendly relations - until we did not get married officially. When we gave birth to the child, we became just irreconcilable enemies. She regularly makes scandals concerning the son, without wishing that that communicated with the father, all the time lays down some conditions and does everything to overset our plans. On any refusal of the husband threatens with court or what will not allow to see the son. The husband worries, the child behaves ugly - and, naturally, all this sometimes just enrages me. And still there are also relatives (both with mine, and from its party) who call and give advice... To me her such behavior is absolutely unclear - she wanted divorce in due time, left to other man. What there can be claims now?“ Really to understand motives of acts and relations happens very difficult - already because not everything lies on a surface and much of the personal relations happens invisible and even extramental. The person offering divorce at heart can absolutely and not want such succession of events. Perhaps, the true purpose - to draw attention to itself, to prove that it is self-assured, attractive to other people and can be absolutely happy also without the partner. Divorce seems as temporary parting (“He will understand soon that he without me cannot live, and will suggest to be together“), and only new marriage of the left spouse returns to reality. She is, as a rule, not really pleasant - it is necessary to recognize that all this is business of own hands. And the offense in that case is even stronger, than at those who were left.

Should do to

something … Everything it is necessary to become urgent happy - then claims and offenses completely will disappear. But it is impossible. Then - to behave as the civilized people understanding that there is nothing more harmful to children, than infinite quarrels and scandals. It is difficult: emotions are stronger than reason and often disturb our correctly planned acts. And still it is worth trying, let at first unilaterally. “It is a pity to me that you against our meetings with the son“ - instead of charges and reciprocal threats; “Perhaps, everything would be differently, but it turned out quite so“ - instead of attempts again and again to understand who is right who is guilty. Eventually, the party making a claim will be forced to speak in your tone. And then it will be much simpler to agree.

Alarm.“ When we gave birth to the child, the husband arranged fireworks under windows of maternity hospital, and I photographed it from a window of the chamber. I constantly looked at a picture and even attached it to a crib - it was incredibly pleasant to remember such wonderful declaration of love. And then Artyom - the eldest son of the husband came - and told that at their place too there is such photo:“ Well, directly exactly - in - exactly as this, - he was surprised, - I in the same maternity hospital was born, and the father arranged fireworks for mother too“. At me just heaven and earth under legs was moved. Just the same photo, just the same relations, just the same child... For me all for the first time and all - a holiday, and for it - all “just the same“. It was very a pity though I, of course, assumed that people who were married could love and rejoice each other to the children. But the most important that now I am not abandoned by alarm. If now all as well as then where guarantees, as the final of the relations will not be same?“ Alarm during pregnancy and right after childbirth - the phenomenon normal, peculiar to most of women. Sense they are to provide everything that can do much harm to the child. But “subject“ of alarms at all different. Someone worries about health, every minute listening to breath of the kid, someone material welfare concerns, someone an ecological situation in the area. And thoughts that the person who left one child can leave also the second, in principle, belong to the category sober and logical. If, of course, they do not deprive of you a dream and rest and do not prevent to live everything surrounding.

Should do to

something … What is done by young mother if sees that the husband not really warmly treats the newborn, but at the same time begins to be engaged in the senior more and more actively? Calls for care of the kid, reproaches for an inattention, in any ways reduces communication of the father with the child from first marriage. It does not rescue from alarm, and here the domestic surroundings only worsen.

People who understand that in the personal relations there can be all, as a rule, feel happy because they are not afraid of unpleasant surprises.

of the Man do not love claims - especially such which they are not able to satisfy. Unlike the mother who was bearing the kid within nine months and having with him deep emotional connection, the man needs to get used to the new status. It is difficult for them to communicate with the baby and it is even difficult to love him really. It is necessary to get used to the child, to come into contact with him, and on it, you see, time is necessary. Many women with huge surprise observe metamorphoses of fatherly love when the man claiming that “to us and without children well“, the children`s crying hardly transferring and which is irritated from a type of lots of a dirty romper suit, year through three - four becomes the best father on light.

should Never perceive the senior child as threat to family happiness - their relations with the father are already improved. And to the little newborn there is a place in father`s heart too, can not doubt. It will become by all means noticeable, it is only a little later.