Rus Articles Journal

Grow to love of

Undoubtedly, the most part of all texts which are ever written by people anyway is related to love, the most part of our thoughts too of love and the strongest emotions causes the same love. Or what we got used to call this word.

In our representation all field of the relations of the man and woman - the area of love, not without reason so many generations of lovers compare themselves to Romeo and Juliette. And detsko - the parental relations - by definition entirely love. Whether always it so?

according to the classic of psychology S. L. Rubenstein, “the love is an adoption of unique life of other person“. That is it not feeling, not a set of emotions, even if very strong. This condition, such special system of the personality when we can at a high sincere unification with darling nevertheless is oneself, it is difficult the given ability to remain spiritually free most and to keep such freedom at darling. It if it is possible so to speak, the unity of independence compelled by nothing. That is when we feel separate, absolutely not dependent, at the same time we choose to be together with darling, and this choice is compelled, free nothing.


to Recognize life of other person unique - means to recognize that it the personality, certain of us, with the past and with the future (even if we - flesh is uniform) that, created on the God`s image, it is free including from us. In this sense the love is happy irrespective of it, is mutual or not. Anyway, it is pleasure. In general, pleasure - a distinctive feature of love. When melodramas and confusion of the relations begin, tears and sufferings, so instead of love stepped on the stage vanity, offenses, jealousy, etc. - all our fineness, poor commonality. Then we persistently approve own stereotype which is spread around in millions of other people, and nothing in common with unique life having.

Having fallen in love with

, we elect the person from other mankind, for us it exclusive, unique. All others become a background, and it one - unusual, only, other than others. A Gestalt - psychologists and define this situation: a figure against. But as it is frequent, having married this unique figure, we seek to remake it “under ourselves“, to re-educate, direct her life on the understanding. But this we deprive of darling of identity, we level, as if again we return in a background. And the personality chosen by us for some peculiar only her lines for us grows dim; disappears, the object of love is destroyed actually. We deprive of it attractiveness which is possessed by any singularity.


Instead of rejoicing to an event with the person, special for us, to consider this his peculiarity as wealth which should be protected we persistently do by “education“ it ordinary. But ordinary at us in heart of the place is not present therefore we involuntarily make room for someone another, for the present for us unique. I.e. the spouse (a) still is, and heart is already free. To experience independence and uniqueness of another as own it is difficult, but without it there cannot be a love.


to Approve life of other person - means, being improved most, to promote perfection of another. I.e. it is important to create for darling such vital context in which it could reveal the unique abilities and aspirations, to create for it (for it one with its features) the field of understanding, secrecy, trust and freedom. It is possible only provided that we also strive for sincere and spiritual perfection, we change, we raise in ourselves, we create something new to remain interesting and significant for well-loved by people.

Everything told above is fair

in relation to any close relations - girls and young men, matrimonial, detsko - parental:“ mechanism“ love everywhere the same.

Unfortunately, almost none of us are capable of such “high relations“ and the few and aspire to them. On the childishness, infantilism, we not only do not want to work on ourselves and the relations, to create them, but we do not even take the trouble to comprehend ourselves and the life in this foreshortening. Therefore instead of love also we fall into love dependence.

Technologically love dependence - the same that, for example, and alcoholic or narcotic, even psychotherapeutic approaches to them are identical, but we will stop on dependent human relations.

Any dependence - as opposed to freedom are the compelled relations. In the childhood we absolutely depend on mother or other adult who is bringing up us, for us it is just a matter of life and death. And we are forced to do everything to keep this dependence, so, and life. But also parents, especially mother, psychologically depend on the child: he lets to them to feel adult, mature; needing them, he confirms their importance, the importance, rescues from loneliness etc. If mother or the father do not see other ways to be approved personally if they are not able to lead the separate internal life, then they are forced any ways to hold near themselves the child, the care of whom fills all personal and vital emptiness. Then they diligently do not notice a growing of the child and even interfere with it.

of “Otpuskaniye“ of the child in his unique life - the act of parental courage very difficult psychologically. Only conscious, mature parents are capable of it.

A not matured mothers and fathers will cling to the beloved child all means. Money will be put to use (“I support you, do as I speak!“), blackmail (“I am such patient, do not afflict me!“), sense of guilt will be inspired (“I devoted all life to you!“ ) etc. Paradoxically, but in such cases parents are unconsciously interested even in an illness of the child, often just declare him the patient or exaggerate danger since it increases his dependence, affection for them.

the Dependent, simbiozny relations are always mutually advantageous

. Children of such parents often also do not hurry from parental embraces, it is convenient to them to be the focus of attention and guardianship, without cares and responsibility, they in practice do not want another. Because they also do not know other life! They are forced to live so because they have no choice, they in a different way are not able. And where was to learn them when parents instead of them thought and always made decisions, and as if “two of a chest“ in an animated cartoon, did everything for them. And if did not do, then would not be necessary to children, but are not necessary to children - are not necessary to anybody. Such here painful parental philosophy.

In symbiosis it is difficult for p to live. Present that you strong ropes were attached to someone. Any insignificant movement of another will cause you inconvenience or even pain. The people staying in such relations take offense, complain at each other much, but with it do nothing, change nothing and do not change. Both parties are unconsciously interested that everything remained still. In such families it is stuffy, a dead air, people do not seek to communicate with them that only strengthens mutual “cycling“.

parents, Inclined to the dependent relations, often consciously and unconsciously interfere with marriage of children. But we will imagine that such baby nevertheless got a family. What love he admits to the spouse (e)? Grown in unfreedom whether he will be able to approve unique life? Most likely, he “honestly“ admits:“ I without you cannot“. Also cannot, without restraint being jealous and making rows if he is not sponsored. Though “the second half“, as a rule, with pleasure undertakes to sponsor. Only very often it is shown in the form of total control, a press, suffocating “care“ by the principle “I know better that it is necessary for you!“ . And, of course, parents (unfortunately, is more often - mothers) do not weaken a grasp, including internal, very intimate, intimate life of children the business.

How circumstances of life of such spouses changed, the essence of the relations will be invariable. They as though are connected by the steel framework which is not allowing any derogations from once established order. In case of withdrawal from a family of one of them, another will consider the life destroyed. It and is clear: he can live only this way and if it so collapsed, then everything collapsed.

the Same “framework“ which is strongly looking like a prison lattice is well visible to

in all options of love dependence. Their set. For example, one of spouses all life costs in a Napoleonic pose, as if speaking to another:“ Prove to me that you are worthy my love“. And all the time unconsciously proves that another and all the time pleases instead of living. Or one - the real tyrant from whom you do not know what at what moment to expect, and another - quite voluntary “victim“. And so on. Where there is a dependence - the love since she is a child of free spaces is impossible.

Of course, in the love, related relations the care and even guardianship at the right time is extremely important

, it is really important to confirm with words and affairs the love, but difference from dependence that all this there will be our free manifestations that we can creatively approach any situation, to be different because we remain internally free. We always have a choice how to arrive, there is nothing stiffened. Important line of any dependence - aspiration to leave everything as is, it is tragic personal stagnation, “pro-slipping“ of life. Whereas the true love is a way of soul, the movement, creation not only own personality, but also the relations. It is the continuous work which is often connected with things, far from lyrics, - deep self-knowledge, self-restrictions, humility.

Everything will be more obvious if to remember definition of love at the apostle Pavel. Which of us, such what we now, it is capable to dolgoterpet, miloserdstvovat, not to envy, not to be extolled, not to be proud, not to commit excesses, not to look for in love the, not to be irritated, not to think the evils, to cover everything, to transfer everything? Our darlings can be perfectly free near us only in that degree in what these heights of spirit are available to us. I.e. we provide their freedom only with the tolerance, ability to understand and appreciate their originality, ability to forgive mistakes, aspiration grow together, but not to ego-trip at their expense. by

it is important to p to feel the love relations as unity, team where “the back is covered“ where problems and pleasures - the property of two, but is not given for discussion of parents, friends etc. Where the main thing - to keep the relations of heat, tenderness and care, and all the rest - again.

It is at first sight paradoxical, but the original indissoluble unity of two is provided with their ability to keep the correct distance in the relations among themselves, them together - with all others.

We guarantee to

freedom to darlings, eventually, own freedom, fullness of own life, width of the soul containing all variety of life. But our hearts mostly are narrow love as the archbishop Ioann (Shakhovskoy) spoke. Where to approve here unique life of another when we and the - that have no.

Is present

nothing more expensively and more perfectly than love, and it is not surprising that to it all our aspirations as a result are directed. But as we have to mature still and how many work over ourselves that, without having violated the truth, to have the right to tell: “I love you!“