Maternal care or female egoism?
Mother devoted to the son all herself, and the guy did not sustain and escaped from such love. Who is guilty? The ungrateful teenager or the woman who once preferred to private life care of the child?
One night her fourteen-year-old grandson Kirill with a request for the help home came running to the grandmother:
- the Grandmother! Take me to live to yourself! I home, to mother, will not go any more.
- What happened? - the grandmother was frightened.
At first Kirill was silent and tried to hide tears, from it nothing could achieve. It was visible only that the boy is in a condition of the most severe stress. The grandmother could not understand in any way what occurred. Children run away from parents when those beat them, humiliate, do not feed! And Kirill escaped from her daughter Sveta who was the most careful mother in the world! The grandmother remembered how after divorce in twenty five years Sveta told:
- I will never marry any more! The new husband will distract me from the son! From this point I am engaged only in the child!
I Sveta really devoted life to Kirill. She even quitted the job because she did not want to send the child to kindergarten and to subject infections. She leased the grandfather`s apartment and lived on the income from it.Sveta cooked
very well, bought to Kirill all toys which he asked, and the most fashionable clothes, on Sundays drove it in theater, circus, visited with it sports competitions. It managed even to take Kirill abroad though the income at it was not too big. What else it is necessary for the boy? The son why this spoiled, treated kindly got away from mother, how from fire?
When Kirill calmed down a little, the grandmother began to learn the reason of such sudden flight gradually. The boy told to the grandmother of the life with mother.
- Every day begins with the fact that it hangs up to me on a chair near a bed clothes, - Kirill told. - I have to put on only what is chosen by her. When I begin to argue with it, she raises the voice at once, proves that put cold or, on the contrary, hot today and that only these clothes can be put on. All right, I agree. But somehow time I rose before mother and put on. Wanted to leave until she woke up. We at school had a watch, it was necessary to come a bit earlier, and I was happy that it sleeps and does not touch me. But is not present! She woke up and at once began to shout:
- What you on yourself got on?! Trousers are not glazheny, a sweater not stirany! Why did not wake me and did not ask? You do not know what clothes can be put on and what is not present!
It, and the second right there began:
- What you ate for breakfast? Anything? I will not let out you from the house until you sing! Sit down and have breakfast! Otherwise you at school will have a faint due to starvation! Too to me, there was independent! It is correct to put not on a smog, forgot to have breakfast! You without me are not capable of anything!
In this place of the story Kirill really began to cry:
- I hear this phrase from mother every day: “You without me can do nothing, you without me nobody!“
the Grandmother wanted to embrace Kirill and to stroke on the head, but in time understood that it cannot be done. She decided to treat the boy as to the adult that he and did not escape from it.- Give
we will have supper with you, - she offered. - Vskipyati, please, a teapot also cut bread. I, of course, cook not so well as your mother, but...
- should not be prepared nothing, we will eat sandwiches, - Kirill told. - I about good nutrition cannot hear any more. From the point of view of mother, I constantly eat not that and not in those quantities. It calculates according to the table of calorie how many and what I should eat, and swears if I break something.
She thinks that she prepares best of all on light. Well and, really food at it tasty. Only why to make row if I have sometimes dinner in cafe? Happens, we with children after school go there, we talk there, to us it is good there. But mother categorically against! She once came running in cafe and the beginnings at all to shout that we will spoil to ourselves stomachs that sandwiches and chips are a junk food for teenagers! It is possible to present how my schoolmates looked after that at me! It made of me a laughing-stock before people!I do not know
Ya how I still survive in my class! I feel that I will be a derelict soon. Somehow one girl from a class invited me and several more children to birthday. I told about it to mother, she became nervous at once, did not want to let me. Then, when I was not at home, she found phone of this girl in my notebook, called her parents, began to find out what the holiday who will look after children whether he will be alcohol there will be. She, in my opinion, several times called them because she doubted, decent it is a family or not.
Eventually, mother took me by a hand home to this girl, and itself did not go to shop as I thought, and walked around the house, watched our window. She several times called me on mobile and found out what I do there. And at eight in the evening rose to the apartment and told that takes away me because already late! Children looked at me with sympathy, as at some defective! It is so awful! Really this mockery will never come to an end?the Grandmother was lost by
. Having listened to the story of the grandson, she understood in what difficult situation there was a teenager. Yes, her daughter is lonely, Kirill is her only loved one. If to take away from her the son, she will go crazy! But also with the boy it is impossible to handle as a toy. Than to help them how to arrive?
A at Kirill the despair gradually began to develop into indignation.
- As soon as I will graduate from school, I will enter the institute to other city, I will live in the hostel far away from mother! Or I will go to army!
the Grandmother, of course, began to convince Kirill that cannot be said badly about mother that mother very much tries and does what sincerely considers as the most useful to the son. She wishes well to it!Kirill heaved
a deep sigh.
- She too constantly speaks to me about it, especially when forces me to eat or put on that she is pleasant to it: “I to you with with all the heart, and you answer good with the evil! You are a person angry, ungrateful!“
- Here it is not right, you are a person kind, - the grandmother said.
- I love it too, I do not want that she suffered, - Kirill continued. - But there`s nothing to be done, if everything that is pleasant to me, brings it sufferings! When I say to mother that I want to take a walk with friends, she takes such look of suffering at once and begins to frighten:“ You will be run over by a car, hooligans will attack you, somebody will steal you!“ I, of course, leave, but I feel like the monster in relation to mother. Once we with children were in the noisy place, and I did not hear calls of mobile. Came back home, and it drowned in tears, holds heart: “I thought, you are already dead!“ But I cannot call her each five minutes too!I feel
Ya guilty when itself I try to cook to myself food, to wash. She takes offense: “And why then I?“ Once I to myself sewed a button. So she nearly with meat tore off it and started over again shouting: “You are able nothing!“ Yes, it is possible, it does everything better. But how I then will grow up and I will become independent?
When Kirill pronounced these words, the grandmother thought that many could envy her silly Sveta! The son wants to do everything - same a godsend! Here, for example, her younger son was able to do nothing till a marriage. And now is able in thirty nothing, everything is done by the wife. And here the child shows an initiative!
the Boy told that the last quarrel at it happened to mother today. For this reason he asked to live to the grandmother. The matter is that several companions of Kirill go in the summer to camp. The guy wanted to go with them, however mother was resolutely against:
- You in the right mind?! What else camp! You know that there a hazing, you will be beaten there and will select money!
- my friends go every year, and nobody beats them!
- And you do not compare them and yourself! Your friends are children domestic, use foul language. They as all! And you special, intelligent! There at once will begin to scoff at you! It in - the first. And in - the second, on the TV said more than once that near camps maniacs trade. There nobody watches children! And leaders scoff at children there! Children in camp are absolutely defenseless, they have nobody to complain! And in - the third, there such awful food! After my food you will starve to death there! There nobody will prepare your favourite Russian cabbage soup, fried potato and meatballs!
Kirill was at the same time and is offended, and is angry.
- I at first thought, maybe, I some patient, defective? - he told. - Why other children are so not sponsored how me? And then understood that it with my mother something not so! Everything cannot exist so badly: camp, food in cafe, people around... I was tired of mother! I very much want to grow up!the Grandmother understood
in what difficult situation there was her grandson. She called the daughter, but conversation at them did not turn out.
is my child, I know better that it is necessary for it! - Sveta told. - Let immediately comes back home!
I then the grandmother addressed us in the magazine: “How to help my daughter and the grandson?“
Mother + son = friendship
of Yuli Dzhumm, psychologist:
Sveta in twenty five years endured divorce, and, apparently, took it very painfully. Anyway after divorce, even a lung in appearance, the person in soul has alarm: “If I fall in love with someone again, suddenly the new relations will go on the same way? Suddenly I will be thrown, betrayed? Perhaps, in me something not so?“ At the heroine of this history the alarm was so strong that she refused search of other man at once. She chose, from her point of view, more reliable way: to give all the love to the child. The child belongs to it, he will not throw it and will not betray as men do. Sveta became simply obsessed with the son! And this obsession was a security measure. Thus the young woman was protected from own fears and complexes, from condemnation of people around.
She thought: “Let I did not take place as the wife, as the worker, but I am excellent mother!“ Kirill borrowed in her consciousness not only the son`s niche, but also a niche of the husband and work. Sveta brought down on it all the caress and care which would be enough for several family members, and all the work which was not demanded anywhere any more.
I suddenly, to Sveta`s horror, Kirill began to grow and move away from it! In Sveta`s soul there was again a feeling which she had at divorce with the husband: “I am thrown, I am not necessary!“ It both alarm, and pain from treachery. At Sveta the real panic began. It lost in the person of Kirill not only the child, weak and helpless who wanted to be carried on hands eternally, it lost the only love and the work - all at once. With Kirill Sveta`s leaving would lose meaning of life. And it is unsurprising that she tried to hold in every way the boy in the childhood, to prevent to become it big. The phrases “You are able nothing, you without me nobody“ it wanted to force Kirill to depend on it further. However the more she tried to suppress psychologically the son, the more he wanted from it to be released.
the time of the relation of Kirill and Sveta in a root Came to reconstruct. The maternal care of the child has to be replaced with friendship of equal people. Sveta needs to abandon the role of a brood hen which only teaches Kirill and limits his freedom and to become for the son the interesting person that he reached for it. It has to find interesting work, get acquainted with new people including with men. It is necessary to stop this obsession and narrow-mindedness!
As for Kirill, it is necessary to become it even more resolute in the relations with mother. He has to tell:
- Me needs to learn to do everything most, differently as I will become the adult man?that mother was not frightened by
I, it is necessary to explain to it:
- I refuse your care, but I do not refuse you as from the person at all. You all the same remain my mother, and I want that we communicated further as equals as adults. I any more not the child and the child will never be therefore you will not return the past. Perhaps, something will manage to be returned with the advent of grandsons. Therefore let`s move forward better, but not back!
do not prevent us to mature!
Anton Golovinov, eleventh-grader:
As for a trip, from - behind which the main quarrel of Kirill and his mother took place, I can calm adults: the camp is not so terrible as it is painted. I few times went in camp with schoolmates. At once I will tell that nothing bad happened to us though what we there only got up! Made a bungee on a very tall tree, were shaken on it so that in the head it was turned, and jumped to the lake. Experimented with alcohol - did “home brew“ of compote and candies. Climbed to the room to little girls through a window on the fifth floor. If my parents learned about all these adventures, to me would not be become stronger: house arrest for a week, a ban on communication with friends... even I do not know that they still could think up. However I consider that all these measures are absolutely senseless: dangers and temptations trap children both in the city, and at the dacha, and on vacation with parents. And it is impossible to deprive of the teenager of communication with friends at all, this the best that is remembered from children`s years. I hope that the hero of the story will find forces to talk to mother and to explain to her that it any more not the child and her cares only harm it.
Conduct “double life“!
of Evgeny Eltsov, mother of the seventh-grader and eighth-grader:
Probably, me it is possible to call mother too - a brood hen. I always should know where my children with whom as they have breakfast, have dinner and have supper whether they are warmly dressed etc. I hope when time to let out them from a nest comes, I will have enough courage to behave quietly, independently and not to complicate to the son and the daughter life.
I Think, for mother it is very important to have own business even if the husband makes good money and provides all family. When the woman has a favourite work or even the hobby is simple, it has always a good mood and there is always a desire to communicate with children. Besides, such “double life“ rescues it from psychological complexes. The successful woman will never tell about herself: “Nobody loves me, all use me“, - and will begin to make nobody a claim, including to children.
Svetlana has to thank the son for the fact that he, despite all her efforts, grew up independent and unpampered. Let the boy come back home and everything does as considers it necessary. If somewhere also is mistaken, not terribly. And mother should find to herself other interesting occupation. For example, to get second higher education or to learn Eno - strange language...