As we are protected from the children of
For certain it happened to you: in dispute with the child you begin to prove desperately the case, being confused in thoughts and desires. And deeply inside you understand that it is not right. So mechanisms of psychological protection work. The psychologist Igor Pavlov tells about them.From whom these mechanisms us protect
? It turns out, from our children! Each of us has the idea of the child of our dream. And, if our real son or the daughter does not correspond to this representation, we not to feel disappointment, “will adjust“ it all possible ways to this image. Here for this purpose we just also need protective mechanisms.
They help us to keep also idea of themselves as about “the ideal parent“, eliminating any thoughts, distorting perception of events which can expose us in own eyes disparagingly. We as if put on pink glasses which do our perception of the world more convenient and pleasant. We do it, of course, not specially. Similar protective mechanisms - part of our mentality, they work unconsciously in any situation menacing to psychological wellbeing of ours “I“. whether
it that, having treated unfairly the child or having offended him Happened, we quickly forgot an event? It is possible to forget all case, and it is possible - only separate words or actions, as a rule, the annoying and unpleasant. We are helped with it by such protective mechanism as replacement. The child speaks: “Mother, you remember how you deceived me?“ And mother in reply: “You what, unless I could deceive you?!“ And matter is not that she continues to deceive him also now, and that she actually forgot, that is forced out reminiscence of the pedagogical oversight from memory.
Here other example of psychological protection. The child did something at school or in kindergarten. The teacher or the teacher tells us, and we do not want to trust in it. We - that know that he or she at us the best that they are not capable for anything of it. Sometimes it is called “blind love“ or just parental blindness, and in psychology this protective mechanism and is called - denial. It helps us to keep idea of our child as about good and incapable of those acts which attribute it others.
You are... I
Am and some more similar psychological protection. One of them - a projection when we attribute as if we project on the child, our own fears, habits, desires, and sometimes and some qualities which are not accepted in ourselves. For example, we are afraid of dark entrances or thieves. We project our fear on the child and we expect that he will behave respectively - to avoid dark entrances or to worry about that from it something was not stolen.
Or to us wants that the child practised music, sport. At the same time we consciously or unconsciously ignore true needs of the child as we consider: he wants the same what and we.
A sometimes we accuse children of what we do not notice for ourselves. For example, in a neryashestvo, while at in kitchen not an ideal order. That is we attribute to the child of quality which we do not want to recognize in ourselves, and thus as if we get rid of them.
And I am you!
Other similar mechanism - identification. It is shown that we put an equal-sign among themselves and the child. It can be an identification of desires and requirements or all personality. We perceive any progress and achievements of the child as our own, any children`s misses and failures readily we take personally.
by means of identification we with the child can make up the childhood own for lost time, realize the children`s dreams and requirements. For example, once the father dreamed to become the famous musician, but did not achieve success. But now, when his child began to practise music, the father had the second chance. And progress of own child will be perceived by it with special awe and feeling of self-sufficiency. And here musical “failures“ will become a painful blow on the father`s self-assessment.
the Child - the lightning rod
A happens it that, having come home not in the spirit of, we splash out own rage on the child? Only the insignificant occasion (did not take out garbage in time, not so put clothes, put the book not there) suffices “to blow up“ and all the rage to direct to it. This mechanism and is called - replacement. For example, we cannot get nasty with the chief even if we very much want it. But on the child we will bring down all our rage, there would be an occasion...It is rational
!Quite often similar behavior concerning the child we not bad justify with
- a pier, to it it only on advantage. Parents in general are inclined to justify any behavior concerning children towards usefulness even if know that it will deliver it the mass of unpleasant experiences. We can force the child to sit for hours over copy-books until he learns to write with already shivering hand any ill-fated letter, consoling ourselves that then he will only tell thanks for it to us. Psychologists call it rationalization - the protective mechanism helping us to rationalize, prove, justify any our action, to find in it the advantage in business education of the child.These psychological protection can play
as a positive role in our life, keeping a positive self-assessment and protecting us from excess experiences, and negative, complicating our relations with children. They work at unconscious level, and it is difficult to control them.But now you know
, than this or that your parental act can be dictated. And understanding is already the first step to change.