Family fights: how to reconcile mother and the mother-in-law? Pregnancy washing
proceeded quietly. Here only mother and the mother-in-law began to divide “palm“ for future grandson, than much I upset.
- Here the child would go to our breed! - pensively my mother on a feast in honor of birthday Kostika told.
are why still?! - jealously my mother-in-law Elena Sergeyevna asked. - We have that in relatives all with university education!
, continued without small hour. The situation was heated until men (my father, the father-in-law and the husband) firmly told what will be enough already to injure future mother and as will be, and is good if only the kid was healthy. More conflict never became open, but its echoes reached me: one grandmother will tell something, the second, and both is with the best intentions!
there Passed the most magic nine months of my life, and our daughter was born. Grandmothers developed rough activity. Each of them transferred me the list of names, to one of which we have to (are obliged!) were to call the baby. Tone of letters with names was categorical, questions were gradually set: whether we are going to accept the offer on a name of “opposite side“? We with Kostik over and over again patiently explained that the decision will be made by us, parents, and any coincidence to one of lists - no more than accident and not a reason neither for offense, nor for a celebration. We as a result nevertheless picked up a name independently, having decided to call Sonechkaya`s daughter.
there Came day of an extract from maternity hospital. After arrival home for a feast there was a conversation, unpleasant for me, again.
- And Sonechka - that went to our breed! - with a celebration my mother declared.
- Why, Antonina Ivanovna? - Kostik asked.
- Well as you do not see? Eyes - as at Ritochka (it I), a nose - as at Nikolay Fedorovich (this is my father), and hair - mine! - with pride mother answered.the Statement about hair of all made laugh
: at Sonechka on the head several filaments of a fair-haired shade waved. Mother confusedly proved that she - that also meant a shade.- Is not present
, Tonechka, you are not right! - reproachfully my mother-in-law told. - Sonechka is very similar to Kostik when he was only born. And, as we know, if the girl is similar to the father, she will grow up the beauty. So here our genes!
This time rough dispute was not, all tried to behave, as well as it befits in this situation, but “hairpins“ from one grandmother, from another constantly looked through in different subjects.Now from the moment of Sonechki`s birth passed
a little more than a month, and grandmothers are in silent confrontation with each other. Each of them considers that another understands nothing in care of the child, and demands that I listened only to its councils. Also they conduct secret fight for a rank of “the best grandmother“: each of them tries to show what it does for the granddaughter more (helps with leaving, buys new things, gives efficient recommendations). Grandmothers try not to meet with each other. About each other they speak with reserved irritation, at casual meetings continue to support a cold neutrality though ironic statements let know how everything is actually. It is obvious that between them there is a conflict and it is based around Sonechki. I think that it is not too good - both for the girl, and for grandmothers. For Sonechki - because if the situation does not change, it will continue “to be broken off“ on part. And for grandmothers - because it is very a pity that two elderly women do not find in themselves wisdom and good will just to enjoy communication with the baby. And I even more often have a question: what can I make that somehow to reconcile them? And most there is a wish to live in a quiet situation, but not on the verge of the continuous conflict.
the Comment of the psychologist Aleksandra Moskalenko
the Conflict from - for the child - only a top, an occasion in order that the aggression which is present at grandmothers escaped outside. It is quite probable that women did not find a common language earlier. Most likely, one of them (or even both) do not agree with each other in something important. The initial subject for mutual misunderstanding can be any, but there is no doubt that it is.
Main in this situation - to keep psychological wellbeing of the baby. And especially this question will be particularly acute when by it it is executed 1,5 - 2. Already at this age kids are capable to catch nuances of the relations between adults and to use them in the interests. And the child becomes more senior, the better he seizes “art“ of a manipulation by relatives. If grandmothers combat for “prize“ which of them is better, then from them in this situation it is possible to achieve almost everything, anything. And children, as a rule, do not miss such opportunity. Therefore try to protect the child from these “intrigues of the Royal Court“ already now. > to Rita in this situation it is important to p to understand
that the conflict developed not from - for the child`s births that prerequisites for it were earlier. And for this reason you should not take the responsibility for the relations of two adult women. They are responsible for what occurs, and it is important. But of course, and Rita has some opportunities to reduce external manifestations of the conflict.
- Adhere to a neutrality position. To have around itself a quiet situation is not egoism, this normal desire of the woman who is nursing and looking after the child. Therefore do not assume that you did by “third party“ of the conflict. Namely, the role of “a basket for garbage“ is imposed to young mother (and also the father) in the such conflicts. Both women express “for eyes“ opinion on the opposite side, and as a result you become the store of negative information. Therefore it is soft, but firmly designate the position: if to grandmothers is what to tell each other, let tell it directly. If is not present - let are silent. Also try not to take someone`s position in the conflict, except own. Limit to
- “talk at a table“. Feasts are the moment “favorable“ for the statement of conflict messages. And after that it is more difficult to reconcile than if conversation happened in private. Therefore it is worth trying to exclude as much as possible unpleasant talk at a table. Agree with the husband that as soon as you hear something “dangerous“ and threatening to turn into long conversation, you offer a new subject at once. Prepare subjects in advance.
- Talk to each of grandmothers. In conversation emphasize that your common goal is happiness and wellbeing of the baby, and the peace relations in a family. And all of you aspire to this purpose: both young parents, and grandmothers, and grandfathers. And it is worth remembering it. Whether to the girl it will be good if she sees that her beloved grandmothers cannot find a common language? Try to show
- to grandmothers of a common ground. For example, you can tell kindly one grandmother that her opinion on this or that question completely coincides with other grandmother. Perhaps, it at first will cause negative reaction, but, having considered everything, women can come to a conclusion that in their positions there is something the general.
It is possible, your actions will be able only to make the conflict by less obvious, but not to resolve it. And you should not undertake such responsibility. Before us - two adult developed persons whose views, perhaps, do not coincide so that they will never manage to become girlfriends. There is quite enough if in this situation they behave tactfully, find out sensitive issues with each other and do not do the conflict open for all. And it is important to remember that they are two loving grandmothers, persons interested to communicate with the baby, and in your forces this opportunity to provide to them.