Second wives and first children: who is dearer?
One of the most frequent problems are a relationship of the second wives with children from first marriage and their mothers. Two women (the first and second wives) often cannot divide the man and his free time. The child gets considerable part of negative emotions from first marriage as it becomes apple of discord. Today we will talk about how to all participants of process to build up the relationship so that children did not suffer from “adult games“ and that needs to be done to keep second marriage.
At everyone the place
“I have from first marriage a seven-year-old son whom I at his desire to live with last summer of visors to themselves. The first wife married the person whom the child does not perceive. At that time I already married for the second time. My wife is not excited and now declared that if we do not bring the child, then she leaves. We live in marriage two years. I am afraid that the son will feel the uselessness, and I was tired to be broken off between the child and the wife“.
of Alain, 25 years:
“To our boy is one and a half years old. At the husband it is second marriage and there is a child from first marriage, the girl of twelve years. We constantly quarrel only from - for it. Reasons: he lives on two families, cannot say goodbye to the first wife, she constantly calls him, in an occasion and without. It seems to it that I “not so“ treat his daughter, on a question that not so, is silent. He works late hours, leaves early and in the only day off demands that I to it did not prevent to spend time with the daughter, wants to leave with her somewhere. But we need the father and the husband too, I have hysterics now. The husband already wants to divorce me from - for his first daughter“.
Two of these letters - a view from the different parties of the same problem: the intense relations in a triangle “the first wife - the second wife - the man“. Let`s try to understand a situation, and for this purpose we need to enter concept of “family system“, and differently - sorts. What is it? The family system is similar to a family tree if to draw it on paper. Enter it:
- of people whose system we draw;
- all his brothers and sisters, including given rise out of marriage of parents;
- his parents, their brothers and sisters and their families, and also grandmothers and grandfathers;
- of the spouse (first, second, third), and also significant intimacies with which due to parting marriages were formed or in which children were given birth (or pregnancy interruption is made).
So, the first and second wives are united by one family system. If to look at the drawn scheme, becomes obvious that at everyone in it the place. Respectively, at each of wives own place in system. And the general children from first marriage too forever on the place. As well as children from second marriage - on the.Telling
about this system, I consciously do not use definition the “former“ wife as in family system does not happen “former“, it includes all the members, even the dead. And wives and husbands in it have places: the first, second, third. But not as on a podium, and the emergence only speaking about an order in it.
When people get divorced, they stop being the husband and the wife, but forever remain the first husband and the first wife in family system, the general for them. And also they forever will remain parents of the children. Laws of family system are as follows: the one who came later has to respect the one who already was to it. It means that the first wife - always on the place. The second wife does not take her place, she has the place in system - at the second number. If the second wife understands it, then this marriage, as a rule, rather stable. If there is no understanding, and the woman tries to appear on the place which does not belong to her, marriage collapses sooner or later.
Same situation and with children. If the spouse does not respect children from first marriage and wishes that the general children were “higher“ for her man, then it is big arrogance, as will lead to divorce. The first child will always remain to the first. The subsequent children have places. To try “to push through“ the child on that place which does not belong to it - means to dig a hole to marriage by the hands. It is the recommendation for Alyona, the heroine of one of our stories. You want to keep marriage - respect the first wife, the senior child. Allow the husband most to make the decision concerning that how many he communicates with it. Some begin to panic when they hear such recommendation. “Yes it raspoyasatsya absolutely! He will spend time only there if I do not constrain it!“ - they speak. But actually all absolutely not so. If to try to tie the person, then he will try to escape. And the one who is free should not be torn, and the system comes to comfortable balance: the man with pleasure finds time and to the child from first marriage, and the second family.the Man in this situation can be recommended to
here that: not to give in on provocation and manipulation. For example, in the history of Kirill his wife applies for roles which has no right to borrow. Only the respect of the woman for the first wife and for the first child will make marriage stable. If is not present, then parting - only a matter of time and patience.Second marriage is always possible
only at the expense of the first. Especially when the relations which led to second marriage begin in the period of relevance of the first. That new marriage developed, spouses need to admit the part of guilt that their happiness is possible only at the expense of the first wife and children (and also at the expense of the first husband if the woman was also married). Such recognition has to develop into respect. It is sometimes very difficult because the thrown woman speaks and does something for what it is difficult to respect her. But it is worth understanding that it with despair. At this moment the second wives and husbands with relief think: “Time it so behaves, we are not guilty of anything, and it is correct that divorce happened. Unless it is possible to live with such person?“ But this thought is very dangerous. The respect for the first wife should be kept, and then sooner or later it will bring “dividends“.
of the Recommendation for the woman
“My young man already half a year divorced, at them is the little son 1,5 years. He very much loves the child and comes there every Sunday, plays with it, supports. I not against their appointments to the son, but his ex-wife still love him. She calls him always, asks whether it will arrive to them for the weekend, constantly writes it any nonsense that happens to the child as he got up - fell that sgryz where spread. In every possible way gets it! It extremely irritates me. It seems that when it comes to them, she rejoices more for herself, than for the son. Says still what will wait for it how many it will be required. She as though all the time tries to find a crack in our relations and to destroy, set by the ears us. He in every possible way consoles me, swears that will never return to it that loves only me and nobody is necessary any more that I for it an ideal. But I all the same cannot find any peace when it there“.
So, before us standard if it is possible so to speak, the experiences typical for the second wives or new girlfriends of men. How to behave in relation to the first wife and children from first marriage to keep the relations with the beloved?
- you have to accept the husband together with last marriages and children from them. The past - such thing which cannot be cancelled. If you do not accept its past, so you do not accept him completely (“here - I love, and here - I do not love“). You knew about the past of the husband and are obliged to live, considering it.
- needs to be remembered that his former wife is not obliged to care for your psychological wellbeing. It has the truth, she does not care about your feelings, it will not consider them, and you should not hope for it any minute.
- If your aggression to it, then this feeling - fault which you do not dare to let out on the foreground. It in this situation - an affected party. Only at her expense and at the expense of their general child you build the relations. You treat it with responsibility and respect.
- the First wife and your husband have the right to communicate concerning education of the children. Moreover, they have to do it for preservation of wellbeing of children. The first wife has the right to call to your house, to tell the father about what happens to them, and to ask for help if necessary. Be loyal.
- do not limit the spouse in communication with children from first marriage. Try to adjust communication with children, but communication, but not just casing by gifts, candies and entertainments. Can be so that the first wife will be against the child communicated with you. Especially actually it happens in the first year after divorce. Do not insist and do not take offense, allow the father to communicate independently.
- Remember that the man who to please to the second wife stops all communication with the first wife and children is dependent and conducted. Sometime it can arrive also in relation to you. It is much better when the man takes a strong fatherly position in relation to children from first marriage in second marriage and is able to build “civilized“ communication with the first wife. by
- If in your marriage gave birth children, you should not demand that they in something were more important for it, than the first. Often women speak:“ And now you are necessary to us more, than to it (to the first child)“. You have no right to demand that they took the place which is already occupied. The place of the first child is already taken, your child has an own place. The father has to have an opportunity to communicate equally both with own children, and with your general.
of the Recommendation for the man
It is frequent the child - only a pretext in fight of “past“ and “present“. The man is in the middle, acting as “first prize“. It is pleasant to some, but, as a rule, this role is extremely uncomfortable for the man. If fight oversteps the reasonable limits, second marriage will be under the threat, but also the first wife will not score “points“. And the main thing, in these relations children - both suffer from first marriage, and from the second.
to build up the relationship with both women, to keep second marriage and wellbeing of children, it is possible to offer men the following councils.
- Having entered second marriage, do not forget that you with the first wife remain parents (though stopped being spouses);
- you are respectful to the first wife, whatever acts she made at first after your parting;
- Try to develop and support aspiration of the second wife to communication with your children from first marriage. It is good when this communication develops, but you should not demand big love and the attitude towards your children, as to own. Do to the wife compliments, note all successful attempts to adjust communication with the child;
- Try to make the relations “transparent“. Often the second wives are jealous of the first, being afraid of restoration of the relations therefore they try to limit communication with children from first marriage. In your forces to convince the new wife that she for you now - the main woman. Being confident that you treat the first wife only as to mother of the children, it will concern much more quietly both children, and the most former wife;
- needs to be understood that the second wife will never treat the husband`s children from first marriage the same as to own. It will be again attempt to mix hierarchy, but already from the man. In family system of the second wife her child will be the first for it, and the man`s child - only a lateral branch from his first marriage; If in second marriage the child is born
- , the man often worries whether the firstborn will consider it unnecessary himself. It is enough to tell it:“ You for me will always be the first“. Thereby you will designate its role in hierarchies of your children, the “first“ in this case not synonym of the word “main“. But to the child it helps to calm down and feel necessary.
on systemically - a phenomenon logical approach and a method of family arrangements of Bert Hellinger. The main thing that should be understood - burdensome sense of guilt masks under pride and rejection of last relations. About it B. Hellinger writes: “The new relations are successful best of all if new partners admit the guilt, and also understand that it is impossible to do without fault here. Then the relations get other depth, and there are less illusions“.
the Second relations - qualitatively others, but it does not mean that they will be less happy.