To remember everything!
As well as many parents, I passed the moment when my son grew up and changed: the dear, obedient child turned in quick-tempered, dissatisfied with all on light of the teenager.
Ya, of course, noticed frequent changes of mood: surges in impetuous energy when “kid“ from me growth jumped to a ceiling and were selflessly read by a rap directly in kitchen, and apathy, drowsiness, flashes of aggression and bitter remarks:“ Life - shit “and“ I will hang myself“. But did not attach special significance - everything will pass: age such. As well as many parents, I fondly believed that if I love the child, I feed and I dress, then it is quite enough that he quietly developed and it was happy. On something else I, as well as at the majority, just did not have forces and time.
But here the moment when quarrels became too frequent came and even during reconciliations there was no trust. I irritated him with the councils and requests, and my innocent jokes of rather excessive attention to the appearance offended him and enraged. It, in turn, annoyed me the laziness, eternal discontent and sometimes frank rudeness with obvious implication: “Here such I am cattle. So what? The worse you think of me - the better!“ Besides, we swore from - for money. I buy to it a very expensive sweater and jeans, hoping that will estimate, and he every other day declares that the sweater does not suit it on style, and yet it has no normal sneakers and pocket expenses - real kopeks: it would be necessary time in two more. How here to keep self-control? On my shy complaints relatives and friends advised to be more strict, not to dismiss, not to give in on provocation, to be firm. Tried. Only it became worse.
the Decision came unexpectedly and absolutely not from there from where I waited for it. I suddenly remembered own troubles, offenses and torments when I was at the same age, as well as my adult kid. Now, before abusing, forbidding, expressing offense and to become angry, I spoke to myself:“ Get into his skin. Understand what moves it. Whether so he is bad how he wants to seem? Remember yourself“.
He does not attack, it - is protected!
Ya was from “good“ girls. But mother praised me seldom more likely on the contrary. Once she even told someone: “I cannot praise it, she is my daughter. As itself to extol it!“ It is ridiculous to remember, but sometimes I thought that I was taken in orphanage! And it in spite of the fact that my parents really loved me. I remembered this awful feeling when from you wait for progress, and you fall short. Without being able to cope with emotions and to truly understand parents, I snapped and was rude in response to notations and remarks, feeling at the same time both fault, and offense.
In 12 - 14 years plumpness and curly hair became the real test: curls did not keep within fashionable hairdresses, plumpness - in jeans. And here still spots and high growth! The hairdress, a figure, clothes were the most important tools of a raising of a self-assessment, and any is not enough - malsk the negative statement or even a look very painfully wounded. At that time I desperately needed confidence that I am rather clever, talented and good.
having Once again lived - in memoirs - the feelings of that time, I understood the reason of some of our quarrels and tried to learn to love without conditions!ceased to criticize
Ya: “Better itself would wash the floors, only smeared dirt!“, “Four? And why not five? You said that you well learned everything?“, “Look - again the heat-spot got out“! To compare to somebody!
Ya began to accept all that new that was valuable to it: slang, hairdress, clothes, music, books, communication format.to Show to
love! Once after quarrel I wrote to the son the letter - a note which began approximately so: “You know how I love you: I you will support all life and to care, but yesterday it was very painful to me to hear...“ It made much bigger impression on it, than I could think. Now from time to time I and now it we write sms or just we speak each other (sometimes in a playful form) about the feelings.to Learn to be
the listener! Not to be fenced off by phrases: “To me now not before“ - or:“ What there at you, give on - bystrenky!“. And it is even better most to cause unostentatiously from time to time on straight talks, for example during a joint lunch or a trip. Only you should not try to give advice and to comment “from height of the lived years“ - better just attentively to listen.
Laziness of laziness discord!
of the Teacher and parents unanimously spoke: “You are already adult, solve... choose... answer“. On the one hand, it amused vanity, and on the other hand... At school us houses - the mass of simple household chores learned ten various sciences, but anywhere - to make decisions, to quietly overcome difficulties and to believe unconditionally in itself. All these skills came much later, and then any failure and a miss, whether it be in study or the relations, were perceived as own imperfection: feebleness, otioseness and total not luckiness. All this, naturally, caused attacks of apathy and laziness:“ In that case everything is useless!“understood
Ya, my son - yet not the adult. It has high growth, he watches “adult“ movies, but the baby also needs me, as well as. Only unlike the baby together with the help and support he needs still freedom and independence. And I decided to instill confidence!Always sincerely I praise
and I encourage any success - from the washed dishes to a victory in the Olympic Games, it is possible and to reward financially.Never I offer
ready decisions:“ You know how it is necessary to arrive: just present result of the choice and understand, whether you like it or not“.Unostentatiously I control
that always finished begun.
to Learn to agreeto Stipulate
- size of pocket money for week;
- of the sum and the schedule of acquisition of things for a season.
Always to carry out what promised.
to Watch that also it kept the promises.
Of course, and now our relations are not always cloudless, but there was a main thing - trust and mutual desire to find frictionless solutions. I ceased to be afraid that my son will grow up the boor, the idler and the egoist. I just believed in it! When the miss or despair right there begin to attribute to your bad character or bad heredity, even the self-assured person will begin to doubt that to speak about teenagers.
History from life
Inna Kharlamova, the deputy CEO:
- A few years ago my daughter - the schoolgirl declared:“ Mother, I leave the house“. It became clear that Lisa got acquainted with the boy and was going to live with him. When the first shock passed, I subconsciously understood - the categorical ban to good will not bring. Therefore I agreed with all requirements of the daughter under one condition - to get acquainted immediately with Lisa`s passion - and demanded it phone. Right there contacted the guy and started detailed conversation. I just asked the potential groom whether he is ready to shoulder such responsibility? Whether it is ready to provide Lisa, to pay for her training, to erase and prepare for my daughter as so far she is not able to lead an independent life yet? To my astonishment, “groom“ agreed to provide my daughter also told that he leaves behind her. Meanwhile my daughter collected a bag. But when there passed two hours, and the young man did not appear, his phone was switched-off, both of us understood that it will not arrive. Probably, having properly thought, he made the correct decision. There was also the second case when my daughter started to hurry to leave parental Penates and even made it. I let her go in peace, however, before explained that the social standard of living, perhaps, will go down a little: it should go to work and hardly it is waited by periodic trips on rest to Italy. As a result lasted Lisa for one day of “adult“ life after which she nevertheless came back home. I from these examples took for myself experience too and understood that categorical bans to achieve nothing. It is better to explain to the suddenly matured child a situation and even to agree to all requirements, but at the same time to depict what can lead rash acts to.
Elizabeth Olkhina, daughter, 22 years:
- At that time I, of course, was sure that my mother is not right, and even blamed her for something. However, in time understood - to everything, even to love, in life it is necessary to belong seriously and after careful consideration. Not to act rashly. And I consider the mother very wise.
History from life
Elena Lavrova, the commercial director:
- We moved to the new area, and washing 14 - the summer daughter went to other school. The daughter was always a contact child, I did not doubt that she will find a common language in a new environment. However I was called in school soon - from - behind mine of Masha two boys fought. But before there going, I listened to the version of the daughter and we accepted her point of view. I consider that it is correct, in the conflict there is no one guilty. The principal accused Masha that she is an instigator of a cruel fight of boys, and suggested to take away documents. In that situation it was possible to strike a pose and to try to find truth. But on a family council we decided not to subject to excess experiences of the child. Besides I simply had no time something to prove. We just transferred Masha to other school. We with the husband then supported the daughter, without trying to accuse her in the circumstances.