Attempt No. 2
according to psychologists, at repeated marriages quite good prospects: they are often stabler and happier than the first. At the same time there are enough people for whom campaigns in a registry office are not limited to two attempts. How to avoid a mistake for the second time? To learn lessons from the past!
In the second matrimony the features are. As a rule, the woman gets the second husband through doubts, reflections, fears, an assessment of merits and demerits of the new partner. And the emotional enthusiasm passes into the background, giving way to conscious sympathy and compatibility of interests and requirements. And it is big plus of a new matrimony. Add to it patience, wisdom, at last, baggage of personal experience - and to construct a new happy family it will become quite real. But at first it is necessary to be trained in the theory.
Anna and Maxim got acquainted in children`s summer camp. Ania worked as the nurse, Max. there - the leader. Together with Ania her daughter from first marriage spent vacation at a camp.
of ANNA:“ I were drawn to Maxim at once. It such cheerful and kind. And washing Ksyukh stuck to him from the first day of acquaintance. All at once began to marry off us, and Maxim hoped that after camp we will live together. But, in spite of the fact that Max. so remarkable, I cannot make a final decision. I am stopped that Maxim has no family experience. It got used to be soul of the company and does not understand that life in a family with the small child is strictly regulated by regime of the child. I cannot invite friends in the evening home - the noisy party will prevent to sleep daughters. Also I cannot go spontaneously for the weekend to Suzdal, at first I have to attach to Ksyukh to parents. Now all these roughnesses in the relations manage to be smoothed somehow. But what will be if we begin to live together? My marriage collapsed for the same reason: did not get on together. I, probably, just will not endure the second divorce!“
of the Curriculum vitae of the psychologist:
statistically, at notorious “Did not get on together!“ the rating is even higher, than at adulteries and alcoholism combined. Families break up not from - for material, household or sexual problems. To all fault - psychological intensity between spouses, lack of mutual understanding. Of course, you should not drag old claims in a new family. But also to refuse the second attempt to find happiness it is silly. Second marriage - the most suitable occasion again to estimate former experience, to draw conclusions and to reflect over the mistakes.
Information to reflection
Why you lost mutual understanding in the previous marriage? Only do not look for the external reasons:“ At his new girlfriend legs longer “or“ it is his mother us parted“. Cooling of feelings does not happen suddenly and at once. Both claims of his mother, and the long-legged maiden more likely a consequence, than the reason, and roots of alienation are much deeper: in unwillingness to understand, concede, in lack of common interests. Understand yourself, but at the same time be not fond of self-flagellation: whoever was an initiator of divorce, both partners are always guilty of unsuccessful marriage. The family relationship should be built up, but not to live as it will turn out. Women in whose families peace and harmony for many years reign, say that the happy family is a continuous work of soul and self-improvement. Experts, there are a lot of years the studying couples in repeated marriage, drew a curious conclusion: many choose the spouse whose structure of the personality as much as possible approaches that whom divorced recently. And time so then, it is worth learning to perceive its shortcomings adequately and to try to avoid conflict situations. Create in yourself new matrimonial character - old already proved the insolvency. >
during creation of a new family try not to lose p with the child of the confidential relations. Create situations at which an opportunity appears get to talking the child. It is rather simple to kid to find a little time, and he will ask the concerning questions. With school students and teenagers it is more difficult: they can become reserved, begin to avoid communication. Look for an opportunity to happen more often to the child alone. Use any subjects for talk, sooner or later the child will start talking also that he really concerns him.
Father or uncle?
Today psychologists almost unanimously agree in opinion that it is necessary to call the stepfather by name.
If the kid communicates with the real father. Who can tell for certain how there will be your relations with the second husband? You should not forget also about the husband: the rank of “father“ imposes special duties which he, perhaps, not in forces to execute.
same and the baby When in a family is born
the general child, it is very important not to switch all attention to younger. In a usual family the senior to the baby too quite often has a jealousy moreover and duties at the senior increases. That the child sincerely fell in love with the brother or the sister, surely choose time for communication with it: read, walk, sometimes remain with the senior alone. And charge cares of the kid to the husband at this time. Support by
New family life is a test not only for your child, but also for the husband. At first do not allow the spouse to do to the child of the remark and furthermore to punish him. The criticism will become possible only in case the child falls in love with your husband and will begin to respect his opinion. That their relations were somewhat quicker improved, arrange evening tea drinking, ski trips, trips on the nature. Such family customs strengthen the relations. Also support the husband in new “parental function“, let to it know that you appreciate his opinion and participation in education of the child.
For Oleg and Marina this marriage of the second. They are colleagues, several years worked together in civil engineering firm and were well informed on family peripetias of each other. Therefore when Oleg after scandalous divorce with the first wife, suddenly suggested “to live Marin together“, she decided that she misheard. “It will be similar to an incest“, - she joked in reply. And, nevertheless, they decided to try. MARINE:“ At first everything was fine. Oleg it is noisy admired how I prepare what I am a remarkable hostess, and even my knowledge of sex pleasantly surprised him. Its compliments pleased me too, but there was one “but“ - he surely at the same time remembered the former. And these comparisons began to irritate me soon. Let`s say I make a lunch on Saturday. By the way, Olezhka to eat - the big expert. The husband turns in kitchen too, tries from all pans, by the way tries to climb to me under a dressing gown - generally, wonderful Saturday morning. And suddenly it gives out to me: “And my Nadka not that borsch, pelmeni are not able to be cooked. Eternally at it everything will burn down or will run away!“ And great mood as did not happen. In - the first, why it for it still “mine“? In - the second how many it is possible to remember “last year`s snow“? And, at last, it is unpleasant to me to hear with what rage and barefaced hatred he speaks about the ex-wife. With me it always gentle and balanced, but sometimes I think: and what if he sometime and me hates so?“
of the Curriculum vitae of the psychologist:History of the Marine is atypical
only in one: most often women sin with comparisons. You want that or not, but to avoid comparisons of the previous family life and present hardly anyone will manage. So human memory is arranged. But over time the unpleasant moments of a former matrimony are forgotten. And already the ex-husband does not seem to you such bad! You will think, spent all days off in the Internet, without paying to you any attention. But did not drink. Did not help about the house? But brought money to the house. Changed? But also was enough for your share of his love. Marina`s husband likes to remember an old family too. And though all its comparisons in favor of the new wife, similar reasonings - a dangerous way, having stepped into which can be destroyed quickly and this marriage.
Information to reflection
Avoid, even in thoughts, comparisons between new family life and last. Use of former experience has to be extremely delicate, especially in the sexual sphere. You keep all the reasonings on that with whom was to you better around if very much “holds apart“ you, share these supervision with the best friend. Do not allow the husband to compare yourself to his former. Though talk on the ex-wife can sometimes suit you even: from them you will be able to gather valuable information on addictions of the new spouse that offends him most strongly, and than it is possible to calm quickly. But if “digressions to the past“ too frequent, explain to the husband that these memoirs are unpleasant to you. Whatever was the former wife, you absolutely another!
Alla Sharova, the psychologist of the children`s center “Nezabudki“
the Man who fell in love the woman with the child will not begin to refuse marriage only because it does not have relations with her children. Every second is in this situation very optimistic, he is sure that he will manage to find approach to the child. More difficult happens when the relations have to be improved also with his father, especially if the father behaves incorrectly. Sometimes the native fathers who were full of jealousy (or envy!), try to spoil consciously new family life to the ex-wife. Having legitimate right to communicate with children, such fathers uses appointments for a showdown. The stepfather`s task in such situation - not to assimilate to the parent and not to speak about him badly in reply. Also you should not seek to outdo the native father in casing, children feel insincerity of such gifts. Advantage of the stepfather is that he much more time is to the child, than the father. So, it has more opportunities to pay to the kid attention (the rules “rapprochements“ - joint hobbies, picnics, walks - seem almost archaisms, but they work!) . If the stepfather explains to the child that he loves his mother and very much wants to make friends with him, then for certain will not remain in loss. Besides, mother, the father and the stepfather should talk openly three together and to divide parental responsibilities: specifically and on points. For example, to agree that the father drives the child at cinema and on attractions, and with the stepfather the kid rides the sledge and goes to the pool. The child will wait for meetings with the father, nobody will lead him to watch movies, except the father. But also leisure with the stepfather will be interesting - only with it it is possible to swim for a while. Thus, the father and the stepfather do not replace, and supplement each other.
Ivan is the first husband of Lyudmila, Stas - the second. So, at numbers it also submits them when this Trinity appears in society. And though with Ivan Luda divorced, he is a frequent guest in her house. LYUDMILA:“ From outside it looks, probably, very strange. And which - who in general considers us as perverts. But I cannot tell Vanka: “Get out!“ It as puppy homeless. In Moscow at it anybody. And there is no permanent job too, he is still a boy... Stas absolutely another, he is the adult. With it I as the child. At first Stas terribly was angry, finding Vanka at our place, once even wanted to kick downstairs him. But somehow Ivan came half-dead with pneumonia and nearly died before our eyes, here the husband reconciled. Now, when friends who not in a subject, ask it who such Vanya, Stas answers: “It is my stepson. Thought that I marry the young child, and she has a sonny - the goof. Here is how women learned to hide the age!“
of the Curriculum vitae of the psychologist:
Such alliance will not last long. Sooner or later Stas will be bothered by the third wheel, and he will put forward the ultimatum or itself will feel superfluous and will leave Marina. Whatever extravagant family life of Marina, a situation when the ex-husband tries to interfere with new marriage of the wife, not such a rarity seemed. How to avoid it? If with ex-the spouse you are connected by nothing, except the fact “marriages - divorce“, it is desirable to place all points over i to the second wedding. Indifferent “Hi!“ at a casual meeting, couple of phrases about “weather - the nature“ - and any emotions. Another matter if at you from first marriage children grow, then it is necessary to maintain the relations with the ex-husband irrespective of, you want it or not.
Information to reflection
So, if your ex-husband - the friend.
It is remarkable if divorce did without mutual reproaches and claims or if those took place, but remained in the past. You do not quarrel, do not sort out the relations and do not compete in wit at the child - and it is correct! Meeting such husband - the friend, discuss children`s affairs, consult concerning important questions of rather real and your future child, but you do not transfer conversation to the plane of personal experiences. Neither he, nor you need it any more. The ex-husband - the enemy. It happens too. Preadjustable passions were tensed so that you do not even want to see each other. But also you do not decide to leave the child in private with the father: “It does everything not so“, “He uses the child as the spy“, “It throws at me mud!“ . What to do? Option two: or, having collected the remains of goodwill and patience, to try to relieve joint meetings of verbal duels and conflicts. Or, if it is impossible to adjust the relations, to allow them to meet nevertheless without you in the neutral territory. Eventually, it is possible that you just exaggerate bad influence of the father on the child. And for a splash of emotions find independent object - mother, the sister, the girlfriend, but only not the new spouse. The less emotions of you to the ex-husband, the better for a new family. The ex-husband - still favourite. Not without reason say that it is possible to establish a new family only when the opinion of the former spouse on your life becomes absolutely indifferent for you (as a rule, postadjustable wounds drag on through a year and a half).
If it is not that case, so you hurried with a new matrimony. In such love triangle your new partner can feel very uncomfortably. Ask yourself quite certain question:“ Would I like to be happy in second marriage“? If your answer “yes“, then exit one: put the end to the love relations, even Platonic, with the ex-husband. Do not look for meetings and do not use the child as a reason for appointment. Allow to spend them time together: to the father and the child is what to talk also without you about. And transfer the love emotions to the new spouse.
Olga Chmel, the lawyer
the Woman entering repeated marriage becomes more circumspectly in material questions. How to secure the property?
- you are an owner of the apartment and decide to register in it the spouse. What does it threaten with? By and large - anything. Your husband on this apartment has no property rights, he can have only the right of accommodation. In case of divorce it loses this right if you did not stipulate other in the agreement in advance. You can strike it off the registration register as former member of the family of the owner (item 4, 5 of Art. 31 of the Housing code of the Russian Federation).
- All property acquired during marriage irrespective of addressed to which of spouses it is acquired or which of spouses deposited money is joint property (Art. 34 of the Family code of the Russian Federation). It is possible to change this situation: it is necessary to sign with the spouse the marriage contract only (hl. 8 Family codes of the Russian Federation). In the marriage contract it is possible to stipulate what property will belong to each of spouses during marriage and (or) in case of divorce. As it is correct to make this document, will prompt to you in any legal consultation. And surely certify the marriage contract of notary office - without it it is not valid.
- in case of divorce of spouses has no right to apply for the following categories of your property (Art. 36 of the Family code of the Russian Federation):
- the property received by you as a present as inheritance or according to other gratuitous transactions;
- personal belongings (clothes, footwear and others), except for luxury goods;
- the property belonging to you to the introduction in this marriage.