When them there are two. How to divide love and to win against jealousy? I expected
of the Birth of the second child tremblingly and... fear. The fear was caused at all not by how there will take place my second childbirth - though, of course, it concerned me, as well as any pregnant woman. Fears were connected with two questions which are regularly arising in my head. Whether I will be able to fall in love with the second kid as strongly how I love the firstborn? Whether I will be able to cope with notorious children`s jealousy which I inevitably should face?
As one would expect, with the first question everything appeared simply. Once I saw the kid, all my silly doubts in ability to fall in love with the second child immediately dissipated. Moreover, even it became a little offensive for the eldest son - in relation to him my maternal instinct woke up only several days later after the delivery, to same I did not feel anything. And here - love at first sight! However, I tried to explain this paradox with the fact that I stayed 2 years as mother, respectively, I learned to love children - that.the Second problem was
much more considerable, and I began to solve it long before childbirth. Having rummaged the collection of magazines for parents and having bought couple new in which announcements the subject of children`s jealousy appeared, I, of course, gathered which - what useful information, but in passing read also horror stories which only aggravated my fears.you Judge
:“ Sometimes, the senior children jump from a bed in the middle of night and run to a bed younger to check, whether all with that as it should be. Parents be touched to such manifestation of love, but psychologists explain this act absolutely with other motives... In a dream he can see how he pushes out younger of a window or leaves it where - nibud on the street... Having woken up, he runs to be convinced - it was only the dream“.
Besides, I learned that manifestations of jealousy should be expected much more from same-sex children, especially if it is boys as they will inevitably fight for love of mother. We just assumed the boy...
The fact that the child should be trained for appearance of the brother did not raise at me any doubts and without recommendations of psychologists. In three months prior to Kiryusha`s birth we “moved“ the eldest son on a new sofa, having cleaned a bed that he managed to wean from it. Showing the growing stomach, I told Deniz that there I have his little brother who will be born which will cry, write much to a bed soon, and we will teach it to everything together.
It is possible, be more senior than Denise, psychological preparation would conceive bigger effect, but the child was only 2 years old and, in my opinion, he still received less fully love and caress so just to share the right for these values with someone else. Therefore it is no wonder that the period of a reverent attitude to the brother safely ended as soon as the brother removed from a mother`s stomach to a bed in the neighbourhood.
Already the first feeding threw my eldest son in shock: “It is not necessary, Kiryusha, mother`s tityu a jackpot - and - and - t!!!“ Requirements to put Kerima in a bed arose every time when the younger son appeared at me on hands.
As it is sad, but in the first several weeks after the birth of the second child I had to be guided not so much by the advice given in journal articles, how many on own intuition and experience of the acquaintances who visited similar situation. I think, it is connected, in - the first, with age the child - was already told about it above, and in - the second, with his specific psychological features and since my Deniz always was very impressionable and emotional, it is no wonder that appearance of the kid was for it such stress.
So, besides shouts and unwillingness to see Kerim at me on hands, the eldest son found all new and new ways to surprise me - to smear a floor with cream, to spit waters to himself on a stomach, and many other things. Having seen that the kid one for another soils diapers, Deniz considered a duty from time to time too to bring the contribution in replenishment of a basket linen for washing. At the same time I did not even try to object, having decided to reserve educational measures for later time. Running forward, I will tell that when a year later Deniz for the company with Kiryusha urinated in trousers, I without wasting words put on it pampers. Having hurried to get rid of this means of hygiene, the child did not repeat such feats any more.
However in the first month I had a resistant feeling that I am mother of two babies. The senior did not want to concede in anything younger, few times it was necessary even to apply him to a breast - the truth, he could not suck, but was all the same immensely happy. I tried to keep as far as possible the Olympic calm and to distribute attention between children, without infringing upon interests of the eldest son, understanding that now it is necessary him who got used to be in the center of our attention most heavier.I will not cut out
, sometimes nerves did not maintain, the fact that it was impossible to leave children for a minute in the room of one most of all depressed. Once, having left the room literally for couple of seconds, I heard shouts of the younger son.
- Deniz why Kiryusha cries?
- I do not know, took offense, probably.
- Why took offense what you made?
- Nothing, I only for an ear bit it.
Red, with crimson traces of teeth Kerim`s ear demonstrated that the senior told an honest truth...
The fact that the younger child often acted as the victim, and the senior - an aggressor, could not but affect my attitude towards children. Besides, at Kerim there came time of the first smiles, it was already impossible to look at it without affection, Deniz in comparison with it seemed to adults, was capable of fits of anger, obstinacy attacks...Now I seriously began to be afraid of
that the arrow of parental love can move towards defenseless Kiryusha, and I wanted it least of all as I before eyes already had a striking example of what fruits can bring unevenly distributed feelings of parents. So, parents of one our relative in any conflict between children always sided with the victim which steadily was his sister, obviously indulged her, as a result, having become adults, children just ceased to communicate. We with the brother always received equally - whether it be anger or caress, and, despite all our children`s quarrels, now I with confidence can tell that my brother is my best friend.
Therefore when in a rage rush my hand was already raised over the place slightly below than a back of the eldest son, I recalled the most touching moments of his infancy, tried to look at it not as on the SENIOR and as on the SMALL child who soils - that out of jealousy and is jealous because loves me.
I, really, unlike the consumer relation younger, the senior child owing to age is capable not only of obstinacy, but also of sincere manifestations of love. So, once, in response to my ritual whispering during laying, containing, as usual, something it seems: “You sweetie pie, my darling, my good“ and followed by strokings on the head, I unexpectedly heard: “I very much love you!“ I think, any mother will understand me therefore I will not even undertake to describe those feelings which captured me. If and later many - many years my son was capable to tell the same words to me, the father, the brother...
I Will dare to formulate several principles to which, in my opinion, it is necessary to adhere to facilitate a fate of the senior child and to help it to accept and fall in love with the brother or the sister. Part of them - a professional advice, which - that is written by me from personal experience.
- the senior child surely has to have privileges, and it is necessary to emphasize that it is possible for it only because it is big. (For example, I allow the eldest son not to sleep in the afternoon during week-end, using this time for reading “adult“ books, collecting puzzles, a small mosaic or viewing of animated films; besides, it can a little even “work“ at the computer that is strictly forbidden younger).
- needs to praise the senior (if it small) for the fact that he already is able to put on, eat, go to a pot, adding that his brother just should learn all this. should Correct
- not only the behavior, but also the attitude towards children of the husband, grandmothers, grandfathers. What as you think, the eldest son has to feel if the father who came from work, having tinkered with the little brother, lays down on a sofa in front of the TV, having at all forgotten about the second child? Or when the grandmother who glanced for a couple of hours tirelessly squeezes the kid?
- of Punishment, as well as encouragement, have to be fair. If played a dirty trick together, it is unfair to shift all blame on the senior only because he is the senior. If the younger son unintentionally hits the brother, we together “apologize at Deniz“ if he makes it specially (that too happens), I by a strict voice say to it what so cannot be done, and I feel sorry for the victim. In collecting of toys too always I side with the victim, irrespective of its age, i.e. and younger I do not allow to select a toy, and I suggest to ask or wait until Deniz plays; Can involve with
- the senior in leaving for younger (to give a diaper, to bring a small bottle), but, in my opinion, all is better - to wait until he offers the help. Approximately for the third day after our return home from maternity hospital I asked Deniz to give me cream to smear Kerim after bathing. As a result cream smeared a floor, a chair and the eldest son...
- It is quite good to focus attention on manifestations of fraternal affection when those happen also. For example, it is possible to tell somebody in the presence of the senior: “Kiryusha so loves the brother, so to him rejoices!“ Or, when the eldest son suddenly will deign to allow younger to play with the favourite machine: “Oh, Deniz, it is necessary to what you kind, it is visible at once that you love the brother!“
... To the younger son will be one and a half soon, in the winter we will note the fourth anniversary of the senior. Now Deniz with pleasure “reads“ to the brother of the book, feels sorry for Kiryusha when to him it is painful, sometimes even rises in his defense, explaining, for example, that Kerim bit mother only because “it small“ and it is not necessary to abuse it! The brother pays it in joyful meetings after short separations and from enthusiasm supports the games invented by it and tomfooleries. Except for periodic skirmishes from - for toys, it is possible to consider that my children live in peace and friendship.perfectly I understand
Ya that it just began ways as children still absolutely small. I do not undertake even to assume how many still it is necessary to me minor problems, the confused situations and difficult decisions. But and the success of navigation of the ship depends not on quantity of icebergs and reefs which can meet to it on the way, and from the course chosen by the captain and from his ability and all his team in time these stones to notice and bypass. I hope, as we will have enough forces, wisdom and patience to carry out our family ship on life waves, without having sunk it.