Not blood relatives of
Elena, 27, housewife:
- my husband has a child from first marriage - the seven-year-old boy. He lives with the mother, but for the weekend and holidays often comes to us. At first it concerned me quite friendly, but then something changed.his behavior is simply awful
: shouts, swears, spoils my things. To punish him or to forbid come I cannot, but also so cannot proceed. It affects the relations with the husband not in the best way too...
Svetlana Iyevleva, psychologist:
- Repeated marriages now not the rarity, but, nevertheless, each such family faces certain problems. Children, more precisely their adaptation to new conditions, one of the most great difficulties. The reason is that the child initially perceives mother and the father as an integral part of own life, the guarantor of stability of the world, and he can just not understand how it can be differently. It is impossible to tell precisely at what age it will be especially difficult for child to get used to a new situation. A lot of things depend on the relations in a family before divorce, on what relations develop in new families and, of course, just from character of the child. Happens that children perceive both divorce, and the subsequent life quite positively. But generally it occurs by means of adults, the child who did not reach at least teenage age cannot deal with all peripetias of adulthood all the same. Time and patience for such help can be required very much, but, you see, good relations and a family in which all feel like close people, costs such efforts.for
First of all, it is necessary that life as soon as possible entered the normal and natural course . But it is not as simple as it seems. For this purpose all participants of a situation have to not only understand, but also feel that everything is normal. And it can be disturbed by the problems and the remained feelings which are not resolved at divorce. Of you too there has to be a full acceptance of life such as it is. If you test discontent because it is necessary to be engaged in foreign child, jealousy of the past of your husband and sense of guilt for disintegration of others family, then it, of course, prevents to come into full contact.
Often happens that disintegration of a family changes all educational system . Feeling pity to the child, him begin to sponsor or treat excessively him as to the patient. Can happen and so that the parents who are carried away by the device of the private life remove education process for later, transferring the child completely to grandmothers or the nurse. Any of these options complicates accustoming to new conditions, and can sometimes promote emergence of neurotic frustration.
Bad behavior of children - always an indicator of any violations in the relations with adults . It is worth reflecting: what does the child try to express thus? If the behavior was earlier other, then since what moment it changed? What happened it that causes in it a protest? Analyse situations with different behavior - a lot of things, for certain, will become clear.
Unfortunately, often happens that adult, trying to draw the child on the party and to prove the case, frankly try to incite it against the former spouse . It is very painful, the child continues to love both parents and to listen about them to bad stories to him very hard. Besides, thus adults do not get authority, and lose it more likely. So in every way try to refrain from such comments. If you face them in your address, then try to behave quietly. Do not accuse anybody in reply, prove that you it is actually better, than the grandmother thinks of you, do not abuse the child (and the grandmother too) and do not even criticize her behavior (“The adult woman, and so ugly behaves“). Treat it with understanding better:“ The grandmother very much loves you, she is upset with the fact that you do not live together with mother and the father therefore so speaks“. But it is possible and to tell nothing at all - the main thing that the child understood your unwillingness to participate in this game. Only such behavior will bring positive result and benefit for your relations.
If the child himself tries to manipulate you , actively gives others talk and itself does remarks, then and here tranquility - your bargaining chip.“ And my mother is more beautiful “, “ at mother always everything tasty turns out “, “ the father gave to mother flowers much better than these“ - it is unpleasant to you to hear all this, for certain. But treat it as to words of the offended child who endures the hard period in life. Do not abuse it for it at all and do not try to prove that “time your father divorced mother, not such she was good“. It you will only incite it against yourself. You understand that for the person, especially small, mother - the most remarkable woman on light. And tell about it: “Of course, each person loves the mother: I - the, and you - the, and for us they - the most beautiful“. Of course, the content of your dialogue will depend on a concrete situation. Sometimes it is possible to pretend that you notice nothing, the joke is sometimes pertinent. But also serious conversation is quite possible:“ It is not pleasant to me that you so say though I also understand why. Let`s decide not to tell each other anything offensive“. The child of seven years is quite capable to understand what you mean.the Issue of punishments is difficult resolved by
too where the child for one of parents is not native. Whether “I have the right?“ - answer to this question unambiguous: you have. Punishment - the same part of process of education, as well as encouragement, besides, being in your house, it has to accept your rules. So do not worry - all normal (if, of course, your rules not too strict). What punishments have to be? Any in which there is no cruelty, humiliation and deprivation of the child of love. And in your situation there should not be still an excommunication from the house as punishment. Well and of course, the child has to know precisely for what offense he is punished and to understand why.
the Important point - emergence in a new family of the joint child . For the senior it can be a serious trauma - the certificate that everything is lost finally and irrevocably. He can feel superfluous for parents (especially - if a new family and new children appeared both at mother, and at the father). Therefore it is better to begin to prepare in advance - to do it so-called emotional inoculations. “Whom do you want more - the brother or the little sister?“ (even if he answers that nobody), “You will teach him to do the same ships?“ “Let`s go with us, you will choose wall-paper for the nursery“. Of course, it should not be frequent and persuasive. The main thing - to let know that the attitude towards the senior with the advent of the newborn will not change.do not endure
if at you everything does not turn out at once. In total - it is about a difficult situation - both for the child, and for adults. Also you remember: in the presence of your good will and desire such problems are quite solvable.
- Yes, probably, Dima it is difficult to get used to such situation. But for me it - is not easier. The matter is that I in general long did not know that I meet the person who is married. They by that moment already left the wife, she went to parents to other city. I somehow in conversation told that I could not meet the person who has a family, - probably therefore he also did not speak. When everything the application was solved, submitted to the REGISTRY OFFICE, guests are invited, I was called suddenly by his former mother-in-law and everything was told. Of course, for me it was a shock. We terribly quarreled, I wanted even to withdraw the application, but then understood that I love it all the same, - and forgave. And here now, when there are such problems, often remind him that it - and his fault. And, frankly speaking, I think that if knew, would never agree. Of course, I feel sorry also for the child - he is not guilty. Besides, I perfectly understand it - I grew up approximately in the same conditions. Parents divorced when I studied in the third grade, and from - for money and talk of grandmothers - all this I passed all these tears, scandals, disputes. Therefore I also wanted a normal family therefore and does not leave me some now... perhaps even, rage - for what to me it for the second time? Probably, over time it will pass.
But Dima, nevertheless, is pleasant to me. He is a good, kind boy. We had quite normal relations - until recently. And now... Recently I came for it in school and while it gathered, spoke with the teacher. She told that he somehow complained of me - told that I beat him. I just lost a speech power. Of course, told the husband, again with him quarreled. Then he took and erased video of our wedding - told that he incidentally pressed not that button. When I speak by phone with the husband, he begins to shout so - not to shout, and to shout - that the husband asks what I do with the child. When all this began and whether it is connected with my pregnancy - it is hard to say.
Somehow Dimin`s time mother left to relatives and asked the husband that Dima temporarily lived at us. On the same day the husband was urgently called in business trip for two weeks. He told me about it with a guilty look... I with horror learned that the lovely boy will be with me for the whole fourteen days day and night.began
“Holiday“ on Sunday evening. Dima arrived with bicycle, a backpack with some pieces of iron which right there threw out on light-a green carpet, and three hamsters who got out.
“To hamsters should cook special porridge, at them from it you see what wool“, - Dima told, sorting the pieces of iron.“ I am glad for them“, - I answered, collecting animals back. Dima did not show the slightest participation - with enthusiasm collected something from a metal heap.
Then he sharply lost interest that he built (I did not understand that it was) and sat down for the computer where he remained to the dream. The small group of iron remained to lie on a floor, and all apartment was filled with a specific hamster smell which I, frankly speaking, would call a frank stench.the Next morning was devoted by
to the fact that I in different ways assured Dima as it is important to clean the toys, especially if they represent a lot of scrap metal. “It seems to me that these pieces of iron have to lie somewhere in other place“, “In my opinion, it would be better for you to play with the designer in the room“, “But whether it is time for us to bring order?“ - with intervals in half an hour I addressed Dima. Also understood - it is not time. He did not pay any attention to me. Also responded only to threat to throw out everything immediately:“ And mother allows to play with the designer, she says that it develops“, - he told discontentedly and raked up everything in the backpack. Mother speaks! Develops! Who would doubt? And I such silly, as do not understand... But to argue there were no forces any more. I welded to hamsters of their special porridge and suggested to go to park. There, on my happiness, to us some Dimin the schoolmate met. Dima began to play with him, and I discussed with his mother difficulties of education and the last series of cosmetics of “Loreal“. Generally, day was successful, except for the fact that it was upon return simple to come into the apartment difficult - damned animals, probably, were half skunks.
Then there came Monday. Hurrah! In school! At last I understood why children have such difficult program now - that they were exhausted so that there was no force left any more, and parents could feel safe. Besides, in the evenings three times a week we went to drawing lessons to art school. Coming back, had supper together with hamsters and - to sleep.
However, and at such schedule to Dima it was possible to lead up me periodically. For example, it smeared all floor with plasticine because constructed from it the railroad from the room in kitchen. When I saw, to me it became slightly bad not - red and yellow slaps were on all parquet. Hour three I crept on a floor, swearing about myself on parents who in due time did not explain to the child that it is good and that it is bad. And when saw that plasticine ate and on a floor all the same there are color stains, did not sustain: “At your place that, such pigsty is allowed? Or for you in general nobody looks?“ I shouted and swore, throwing its toys coming to me to hand. And suddenly understood that Dima is silent. He sat on a floor, diligently rubbed the same place, and on this place tears dripped... already whole small puddle of tears. My God what I told! I any more nearly cried - with pity to it and to myself. I wanted to embrace him for shoulders, but he escaped and closed in the room.
Next day after school we went on shops. Actually I wanted to buy only one thing - an air freshener for apartments where there live hamsters, but suggested to come also into toy department. “Let`s buy something to you and small“, - I offered. “To what else small? He was not born still“, - Dima told, choosing himself the machine. “Well and that? It will be its first toy. Choose something“. - “All right, to it - too the machine“, - Dima took from the shelf first.“ Well“, - I agreed (though we, on all signs, will have a girl).
We walked home. Dima held both machines in hand, and I at heart rejoiced that though something works well (here, chose a toy). But I rejoiced early. As soon as we went on the bridge, the machine of my future kid departed down. Dima made it specially. On his face there was no fright or surprise. He absolutely quietly looked how it left under water, and told: “Oh, I is unintentional“. I just wanted it to spank, but in time stopped. Having turned it to itself, I told: “Dima, why it occurs? Why you so do not love me? I so try for you, but to me it is very heavy“. Dima was silent and looked at water. It proceeded long enough. I do not know what he understood (and whether understood in general something), but suddenly stretched me the machine and it is hardly heard told:“ Well, let`s it leave this. Be not upset so“.
there arrived Dimina mother Next day and took away it. Dima silently packed the things, told “good-bye“ - and left. I enjoyed freedom, but then understood that something is missing. There was not enough shkryabanye of hamster pads about a cage and their fuss. And Dima was missing too - I generally got used that in the house the child. Well, nothing, I will have the soon, and hamsters... no, I will not buy for anything - it is just minute weakness.
In several days the husband returned. “Why you laid a carpet in a corridor?“ - he was surprised. And I for some reason told that there was a wish to refresh an interior. And in several days we celebrated my birthday. Among other gifts there was a frame for photos divided into three parts. In one there was my picture, in another - Dima with hamsters, and the third - empty.“ Here we will put the small child, it is a special frame... well, however, the father gave money to me“, - Dima confusedly told.Grant
, it was the best gift...