Education: the conflict of interests
What there is an education? According to traditional definition, the purpose of education is formation at the child of certain personal qualities, and also systems of beliefs and ideals. And the key part in this process is assigned to parents.
What often really happens? Education often involves collision of positions of tutors and vospituyemy. And quite often parents at the center set a main objective - to adapt children for the interests, to bring up the child, “convenient“ for themselves. This tendency can be tracked, since the birth of the kid.
... My daughter the first months of life was very uneasy child. Apparently, on that there were objective reasons: infantile gripes, summer heat, problems with establishing breastfeeding etc. Generally, hard there was a period. I was tired then very much, and it is more morally, than physically. As that I accustom the child to hands I indulge and I put on the head, then did not tell me only lazy.
- I do not understand you! - the my friend working as the nurse in the House of the baby was indignant. - You cannot cope with one child, and at me in office sixteen! What there special problems with the newborn? The tummy hurts - to give an enema or give dill water, wet - to change a diaper, dirty - to wash, hungry - wants to feed, sleep - to a nipple in teeth, and in a bed! By the way, they at us there only also do the first two months that sleep yes eat because nobody on hands drags, does not rock to sleep, does not pankatsya as you from the small. Yes, is such which at first do not sleep and cry, but they very quickly get used that nobody with them will nyankatsya. Believe - week - another will cry, and further - any problems!
- And you did not think of how it will affect them further development? - I took an interest and was already going to read lecture about formation of trust to the world in the first year of life of the child.
- And what I have to think of it? - the girlfriend hemmed. - I perform the work!
- That`s it! And I do not want that my daughter cried in a bed with fear and loneliness!- you do not want
- it is not necessary. It is pleasant to you before going to bed it for two hours to rock to sleep, and then even at night twenty times to jump - your business. Only do not complain then that you do not get enough sleep and you do not manage to do anything on the house.
“And really what I complain? - mentally I sighed. - Itself is guilty that I cannot normally organize the life with the child“.
Arguments of the girlfriend sounded convincingly, and I decided to try “to take in hand“ the baby, “that itself lay in a bed“. But - unfortunately, or fortunately - the tutor from me in the matter turned out nikudyshniya. As soon as the daughter began to cry, I - purely instinctively - right there ran up to her and was enough for hands. Then awfully was angry with herself for spinelessness.
“I cannot cope with the newborn baby! - I abused myself. - What will be when it grows up?“
generally, some time I was engaged in useless excessive self-criticism, and it did not add optimism to either me, or the daughter.
“And what, actually, I suffer? - I solved one fine day. - Who needs all this? To the child it is obvious better when he at me on hands. And me is quieter when the kid does not cry. And all these “you will accustom, you will spoil...“ For whom I try, really? Let say that want“.
also settled Upon that. And by three months “ruchnost“ of my daughter gradually came to naught, and in general she became very nice child: cheerful, mobile, cheerful and not so whimsical!
in process of a growing, naturally, new problems appeared.
- My God, what hullabaloo in the apartment! - the called-on parents were terrified. - Why you allow Olya to scatter things and in general to climb in boxes?
- the Child learns the world, - I shrugged shoulders. The daughter at that time was about nine months old.Is not present
, I am not a supporter of that the kid on the way to opening of the world never heard the word it “is impossible“. But, actually, why he cannot open boxes or cases? Naturally, a box with drugs, a bedside table with my cosmetics, regiments with books, and so forth we made a sideboard with ware physically inaccessible for the daughter. But, knowing love of kids - toddlers to research of contents of bedside tables and boxes, we specially released for Olechki the lower section in a furniture wall. In one office its toys, were stored in another - everyone stuff, harmless, but very interesting to the child: the bright rustling bags, old color magazines, newspapers, unnecessary clothes etc. Generally, the daughter could manage in these bedside tables in plenty, releasing thus a little personal time for me. The only side effect was the fact that periodically all contents of Oliny boxes appeared on a floor. What, actually, also terrified parents.
- And in what, actually, a problem? - I tried to explain. - Contents of these cases do not contain anything are poisonous - kolyushche - cutting. And it is interesting to the child.
- But to you then to clean all this, to put back! Same it is heavy!- it is natural
, and you as thought?
Frankly speaking, folding of things back in a case took me no more than five minutes. But characteristic example: parents in this situation were more anxious with my interests, than interests of the child - the researcher.by Olechke`s
- Well how, you cope? You manage to do household chores? - mother took an interest.
My God why all are so anxious with my “household chores“! Such impression that I gave birth to the child and went to the decree guiding at last chic and gloss in the apartment!
- Hardly, - I admitted. - Olka such fidget!
- What, it cannot quietly sit, be played while you manage?
- Some time can. But, in principle, the fact that the one-year-old child requires attention of mother more, than is played itself is, I consider, normally.
- But you it is heavy! You are in time nothing!
- So, stop, minute. We now about whom speak - about me or about the child? About whose interests?
- Well what, the baby allows to sleep at night? - next “well-wishers“ are interested.
- in principle and. Only wakes up at the crack of dawn.
- And what, it cannot sit quietly in a bed until you wake up?- it is interesting to
why she has to sit in a bed moreover quietly? Because mother wants to sleep? To my big regret, one-year-old children are not capable of such altruism.
- But unless cannot accustom the child that it, waking up, was played itself in a bed?
- Why it is impossible? It is possible to accustom to anything. Just I prefer to direct the educational energy in the peace purposes...by
In all above-mentioned examples brightly trace collision detsko - parental interests. In similar cases it is very frequent, showing good educational intentions, declaring care of the child, adults actually care... about.
we Will return to the same problem of “handles“ at infantile age. Why many parents are afraid to accustom the kid to hands? The answer to this question lies on a surface: most of women just physically cannot devote all the time to the newborn baby as nobody removes household chores from them - cooking, cleaning, washing, various household problems. Many young mothers continue to study, to work at home, often on them the care of the senior children lies.
It is valid if the kid gets used to be constantly on hands, the woman of nothing will not be in time. It is quite clear. But personally I am surprised by another: in this case the whole educational concept saying that carrying the baby on hands will lead further to a pamperedness, infantilism and dependence is adjusted to interests of parents.
Any mother if thinks, will agree that for the kid of the first months of life to be on hands - normally and naturally, and with education of the infantile personality it has nothing in common. Simply in this case what is good for the child is inconvenient for parents.
the Following question concerning care of the newborn: if the kid wakes up at night whether it is worth approaching every time it and to take on hands? To hardly anyone - that from parents gives pleasure to rise to the child several times in a night. Also the following theory comes to the rescue: if to take the child on hands every time when he wakes up, then the kid will never learn to fall asleep independently.
If to show hardness and to suffer week - another crying, then the child eventually will be accustomed to sleep all night long, without waking up. And if wakes up, then some time in silence will lie down, porazglyadyvat the toys hanging over a bed and again will sink into a sleep. And many parents with enthusiasm realize this theory, motivating it is exclusive care of the child for whom it is better to sleep all night long, without waking up.
But let`s think that it is actually better for the baby: having woken up in the middle of night (from pain, for fear and you never know from what), right there it to appear on warm, cozy mother`s hands or to continue to lie in the dark, in a huge, empty bed all alone, knowing that to cry it is useless - nobody will approach?
also the situation with long breastfeeding Probably is. That how tiresome feeding of the child after a year is, I know on myself. And quite I understand those mothers who finish GV by a year or even earlier. And here what I cannot really understand - so it reasonings that sucking of a breast after a year results in strong psychological dependence which negatively affects further development of the identity of the child. To a lump - a lump, and the kid mother`s milk will not damage neither after a year, nor after one and a half years. Another thing is that to mother two years in a row are hard to be “milk cow“.
But it still so, florets... The child becomes more senior, the parents on protection of the interests become more furious, and here just right to remember a joke: “At first the child is learned to go and speak, and then demand that he sat and was silent!“
U me two familiar families are. In one of them parents strictly - strictly forbade the four-year-old son to awake them in the day off in the morning. And the kid - “lark“ woke up about seven hours and sat quietly as a mouse, in the room while parents could sleep in the pleasure to ten, eleven morning. I in this situation am surprised even not that, in principle, it is hard for child to observe a complete silence within several hours, and that the kid could get hungry during this time elementary!Personally I very uncomfortablly would feel
if within several hours I after awakening had no opportunity at least to drink to tea. And meanwhile, the boy`s parents very much were proud of the of “pedagogical achievement“ and bragged about it of all acquaintance!
In other family the tradition existed: each day off to lay a table for guests or to visit. At the same time the right was allocated for children or to play quietly in the room, or to sit as, at a table, “without butting in a mouse talk of seniors at all“ (naturally, parents did not want “to lose face“ and to drop the pedagogical authority before guests). Such situation could be considered, in principle, normal: there is nothing bad that to parents guests sometimes come, and children play in the room at this time. With one “but“: if this situation has incidental character, but does not repeat every weekend.
It is natural, in both cases parents will put forward a number of “educational“ arguments: “We do not want that the child grew up the egoist, he has to understand that parents have interests, we have to teach to reckon him with others etc.“ . But... in all honesty, the care of whom dictated their actions? About the child? Or all - about?Of course, also other situation is abnormal
: when all interests of parents are subordinated to the child when there is an education as “an idol of a family“. The task of parents, in my opinion, is in teaching the kid to compare the interests with interests of people around, to agree, reach compromise.
What really happens? Let`s take a banal situation: the father wants to watch football, the child - animated cartoons. Whether the father with the kid will begin to agree, make a compromise? Most likely, the child will hear: “Only try, switch!“
Besides, we want it or not, but, caring for the child, we often should refuse something to ourselves, to endow something. Many parents just are also afraid of this. Also hide the egoism behind the beautiful and correct formulations so widespread now:“ With the advent of the child life does not come to an end “, “ with the birth of the kid parents not only can, but also have to lead full-fledged life “, “ the child needs parents happy, happy with life “, “ not the amount of time spent with the child, but quality“ etc.is important
A still now among mothers the fashionable phrase appeared:“ I gave birth to the child not to throw all the life to his legs and all itself to put on a motherhood altar“. There is a wish to ask: and for what? To put the next tick in the list “education“, “work“, “husband“, “apartment“, “child“?I do not claim
Ya that parents always have to put interests of children above own. But it would be desirable that adults, cultivating this or that behavior model in the child, honestly answered themselves: for whom it is necessary? For the child? Or for them? Or, maybe, for the neigbour Marya Ivanovna in the opinion of whom so there is no wish to drop the pedagogical authority?
Nobody wants to grow up the kid the spoiled egoist. But whether it is possible to cultivate altruism in the child, constantly setting an example of own selfish behavior?