Anatomy of lie of
Love secrets behind a family threshold: wives change for offense, and the man - with curiosity.“If the husband changed
time, he will deceive still“. “Men seek consolations elsewhere when houses are unhappy“.“ It is impossible to hide incorrectness. The woman always knows when the husband changes her“. This ordinary truth is transferred from mother to the daughter as secret knowledge. Actually their reliability is very doubtful. Therefore to take these myths as the guide to action is very dangerous. The lie destroys the relations - it is known by all. But whether there was in that only his fault? Our family consultants will help you to understand why this problem arose in your family. But the main thing - changes as prejudices around them are not so terrible. If you really want to protect the marriage from marital infidelity, try to look at its nature without prejudice.
Fiction: people only of certain typeare capable
of change the Truth: any person
“Various psychological types as much how many and the people inclined to change can give in to a temptation. Sometimes nothing unites them, except the one and only fact - they had a novel on the party. So to bring all under a common denominator - a big mistake“, - the family psychotherapist Dina Shakirova who for 10 years conducted consultations with couples which experienced marital infidelity says. However while there is a myth, there will always be people trusting in it. But sooner or later there comes enlightenment, the woman is forced to recognize: “As I was blind as I was mistaken...“
Lyudmila, 43 - the summer teacher of higher education institution from Moscow, was very surprised, having learned that her husband has a mistress.“ Anton never gave an occasion to think that he is capable of change, - the woman on reception at the psychologist complained. - He brought me flowers, paid compliments, was praised before friends what I am a remarkable wife. We had every day a sex“.
Lyudmila, as well as many other women, was in belief captivity as if the man not capable to remain faithful, surely has to be the bad husband. But for some men it is also natural to get novels on the party, holding them secretly from all as for others to go to sports club or to fishing. At the same time they remain careful husbands.
“The philanderer does not consider that he deceives the wife if he by the way oversleeps with other woman, - Shakirova says. - It does not disperse from its system of family values“. Such person can get a petty intrigue with the colleague during business trip or at a corporate party when drinks too much wine. It is enough to begin to flirt to some unfamiliar woman with it on the street to excite in it reciprocal desire“.
At the same time does not need to think that only thoughtless males who cannot operate the libido are capable of marital infidelity. Many people mistakenly consider that they are insured from a temptation, claiming: “We not such“. However to renounce change all the same what to claim:“ I never catch a cold“. Think better of what person, the situation or mood can make your marriage vulnerable, - other expert on zhensko - to the man`s relations, Oleg Pustovalov says.- it is possible
, you are brought so up that you will not be able to resist against temptation, consoling the neighbor at whom the wife just died, and your cheerful girlfriend, on the contrary, will lose the head, having appeared one in the resort. It can seem unnatural, but the straight talk with the husband on this subject will help both of you to learn the weaknesses and to be on the alert“.
your marriage will be in a bigger safety if you do not begin to be frank with friends of an opposite sex, discussing intimate problems of the family, will not complain to foreign men of the husband and to ask them council - they can apprehend it as a signal that you are ready to change.“ You create a right-of-way, discussing something with other person what your partner should not know about, - psychologists warn.
- If in your life similar secrets from the husband already appeared, you should try to restore with it the confidential relations“.
Fiction: more often men
the Truth deceive: statistically, women and men till 30 years have identical quantity of extramarital affairs
As show results of the last foreign and domestic polls, in 45 - 60 years men change really more often. But at the age of 20 - 30 years and the woman, and men have the identical number of sexual partners. One of the reasons of it, psychologists consider, that at this age most of women work.“ When you have a work, you feel more independent of the husband look at a question of marital fidelity more freely. And, besides, the working woman has more opportunities to change: 46% of women and 62% of men who have novels on the party enter into intimate relations with colleagues“, - the sociologist Olga Kochubey sweeps aside the version about sexual predisposition to change.
But do not worry if your girlfriend has a novel on the party. It does not mean that now your turn. Use this situation to talk frankly to the partner about your fears and even about imaginations.“ It is normal both for the man, and for the woman - to feel an inclination to other people: lust - part of human nature, - Olga says. - The main thing - not to give it vent“.
Fiction: the routine of family lifeleads
to change the Truth: from marital infidelity are not insured even newly married
Mikhail, 34 - the summer lawyer - the tax specialist, says that his wife began to change it still before they celebrated the first wedding anniversary. “I refused to trust in obvious things, did not catch it with the lover on “a crime scene yet, - Mikhail said to the psychologist. - I was sure that nothing similar happens to newlyweds. Why she then in general married me. Really my wife nymphomaniac?“
“During the first two years of marriage of change happen more often than in other time“, - Dina Shakirova says. - Women can change for the purpose of comparison: other men are how good in a bed? Men, on the contrary, change for the reasons having nothing in common with marriage. Thanks to a certain education or an environment they can believe that all normal men act this way. For them sex with many women is the potentiality indicator. And the more quantity of extramarital affairs, the higher them self-assessment.
“Change during a honeymoon can be just the last obstacle to happy family life which you should overcome, - Shakirova says. - But it is more probable that it is a disturbing signal: your partner has essentially other model of a monogamy. A question - whether you will be able to feel near this man protected and happy?“
Nevertheless, changes at newly married should not be perceived as death sentence, family consultants consider. If both partners decide that they want to give each other one more chance, then it is important to find out at once what became the reason of change and whether it is possible to avoid it in the future.
Fiction: change destroys marriage
the Truth: having shown patience, spouses can not only keep cordial relations, but even to improve them
Having learned about change, the deceived woman can endure the most severe stress. Most of the victims of deception even has a post-traumatic syndrome: they are tormented by nightmares, unpleasant memoirs, they cannot cope with a depression, concern and rage.“ The deceived spouses feel so awfully that they do not believe any more that marriage sometime can become again former“, - the psychologist Shakirova says.But later some time pain becomes dull with
and the hope that former mutual understanding, trust and proximity between spouses it is possible to restore appears. “The trust is under construction day after day, an act behind an act, - Shakirova, however, explains the psychologist places emphasis that on family rehabilitation not less than a year can be required. - It is long, sluggish process. Both spouses - not only guilty of change - have to make efforts for marriage preservation“. However, at least, two of three couples who visited the psychotherapist after change keep marriages.“ Many spouses not just rescue, but also strengthen the relations, - Oleg Pustovalov echoes. - They study proximity, to trust, their marriage can even become better after such test, than earlier“.
not to hurry with divorce at least few months after change. Before running in court, address the psychotherapist who has an experience with the spouses who endured change. In many large cities there are groups of anonymous seksual (the people who became dependent on own potentiality) or seminars now according to the psychodrama where learn to cope with the negative emotions, eventually, go to the lonely place to consider everything in a quiet situation and to make the decision.
Many people mistakenly consider that conversation on details of change will cause only unnecessary pain, actually it is a way to restoration of proximity. Such straight talk gives to both partners chance to understand what lessons they can learn from change.
of Spouses - the deceiver can not only confess in the sins, but also state sympathy to the partner to which it hurt the behavior. And it is an unconditional step to rapprochement, it helps both parties to learn what needs to be made in the future that family crisis any more never repeated.“ You really have to know each other thoroughly to trust, - all family psychologists say. - Change puts up a wall between partners to recover, it is necessary to destroy this wall“.
Fiction: the adultery is a symptom of trouble in a family
the Truth: many men fool around, being absolutely happy in marriage. For them sex as sport
Most of women who ever fooled around, really told that they on this sin were pushed by family problems. In particular, alienation and egoism of the husband. However more than a half of the changing men, in their own opinion, were happy and are even very happy in marriage. Many psychologists insist on such conclusions. They consider that men on change are pushed absolutely by other reasons: an emotional warehouse of character, weak control over the feelings or simple levity - “so it turned out“.
“I advised couple in which the employee of the husband tempted it when they together were in business trip, - Shakirova tells. - The man very much valued the marriage, was proud of children and was happy with sex with the wife, however it could not resist against a temptation when the woman is younger than it for the whole 15 years let know that not against to have love affairs with it“.Unfaithful husbands often try to explain to
the deception with the fact that their family life reached a deadlock, but psychologists are convinced: in most cases they just think out to themselves a justification. “As a rule, these stories are based on a retrospective, - Dina Shakirova says. - In the past they could have some problems and quarrels, but now the behavior, at least, is frivolous to justify with it. It sounds somehow childly:“ Yes, I changed, but she is guilty“. Most of people feel unhappy during some period of marriage, but at the same time do not change. On the other hand, if you constantly lie to the wife, hardly it strengthen the marriage“.
If you feel lonely in a family and do not find support and understanding, then just have to talk about it extremely frankly to the partner. Psychologists say that it is very important to remain sincere with each other, despite everything. Twenty-minute conversation in the evening when you can discuss the plans with the husband, everything that occurred at you at work that disturbs you and concerns, will help both of you to feel still close.“ It is necessary to be as it is possible more frankly, - Shakirova says. - Such maximum openness and interest in the relations will help to avoid change“.
Fiction: the adultery can become the beginning of long and happy love
the Truth: changes seldom develop into something serious - when there passes the passion, come to an end and the relations
at the beginning of the novel that their happiness will be long and cloudless, actually everything is not so optimistically. As soon as there passes the intensity of emotions, at once there are also problems in the relations. Whatever ideal couple they were in a bed, meeting household difficulties, it is necessary them, as well as all other, to pass the painful period of grinding in of characters. Even it is more difficult to them to find understanding in something, they are united only by sex. But sooner or later it ceases to act on them as drug, here - that lovers also find out that almost nothing connects them out of a bed. Their tastes, life priorities and interests can diametrically differ. Therefore as the statistics approves, 75% of couples which were formed as a result of change, as a result disperse. When men seek love entertainments elsewhere, they strongest are attracted by impulsive, extravagant women, at the same time in family life they wait for opposite qualities from the partners. Besides, during an adultery lovers are under the influence of love euphoria which amplifies also due to privacy of their relations. They live in the world of sexual imaginations, having focused the friend on the friend and not complicating itself life household problems, the shouting children, unpaid accounts etc.“ However it is impossible to eat all life one cakes, - Shakirova says, - sometime it will want to you usual pelmeni“.
Fiction: it is impossible to trust the man after change, having deceived time, he will deceive from now on
the Truth: in most cases marital infidelity is a crisis which has no recurrence
Natalya, 39, single mother with two children:“ I incidentally saw the husband with other woman in cafe while he told me that he is forced to be late at work. The husband was a driver on “Ambulance“ and always worked hard. I did not even think that it can be not where speaks. I felt like such silly woman, such naive! The husband swore that any more will never look at one woman, but I could not forgive him. It killed me with the lie“.
Natalya in vain reproaches herself with excessive trustfulness. She was a faithful wife therefore and did not come to its mind that the husband is capable of change. Many women suspect nothing about changes owing to the innocence. They remain in happy ignorance until deception reveals personally. After that they speak:“ I any more will never be able to be confident in the husband. And I will never be able to be happy, having learned about it all truth“. Actually this truth was with them all the time, and it did not prevent them to be with it happy.
“Have more and more than married couples, than you can suspect, passed through change, - the sociologist Olga Kochubey says. - Sexual activity of the population grows every year. Also the number of the people not capable of the monogamous relations grows. Therefore to treat the change fact as to something exclusive that happened only to you, and it is hardly reasonable to be ashamed of it“.It is also unreasonable
, family consultants consider, to get divorced from husband only because you cannot trust it more. For most of normal men the adultery is as a sunstroke. Went, slipped, fell - regained consciousness, plaster... Most likely, the deceiver endures not less victim of deception about deeds. Therefore the probability that deception will repeat is small.
I all - soand how after change to cope with jealousy and offense? This question often torments women who became the victims of change, but psychologists are sure that the answer needs to be looked for only in the heart. If you love the husband and he is dear to you, and before change your family life was happy, an exit one: it is necessary to forgive and forget everything.
- of Be the leading confidential person of each other . You should not share intimate secrets about which your spouse does not know with other men. Find
- time to communicate . Daily talk “for life“, and not just on household subjects will help to create feeling of proximity and a common goal.
- do not allow house problems to fill up all the time which you spend together . The probability of change increases in families where everything turns around children and life.
- do not give in to temptation . If someone is pleasant to you, it does not mean that marriage cracked and it is necessary to seek consolations elsewhere.
- Surround yourself with close people who believe in you and your marriage . If you feel that you cannot tell about something to the husband, share the secret with the one who will direct you in the necessary direction. They will not allow you to go astray and will give moral support to restore your marriage.