Rus Articles Journal

As we found Stepa

Ya precisely I know what I did when my child was born. End of October, 2002. I wash Varya in a bathroom. She is 9 months old. Anton sits next. And suddenly I have some gripes in a stomach and a fancy - the child. Small. I look at Varya. It is already such big: Also I speak to the husband “I want small“. Probably, at this particular time for 1000 km from me my son was also born.

I was always positive To a question of adoption. At teenage age, probably, many girls are concerned by a question: Whether “I will be able to have children?“ And for me it somehow was always resolved very simply - I will not be able to give rise, means I will adopt. When I in seventeen learned years, as the lonely woman can adopt the child, the first thought was as now I remember: “That`s great! If I do not marry and I will not be able to give rise - I will adopt!“

I married. And could give rise. Even two. And, in principle, I can give rise still. When I gave rise to senior, I Cook, the attitude towards children who have no parents, at me only became aggravated. I just could not think of them without tears.

So we lived, at us was two children - Varya and Mischa. I often was on the Internet, generally at conference “Motherhood. ru“. And once to us the woman, Rita came to conference. She told about the adopted children and gave the reference to conference “7ya. ru. Adopted child“. And I followed this link. Also it appeared in the world where many, almost at everyone, had adopted children - surprisingly clever, beautiful, remarkable kids and not only kids. I was simply shocked by the stories read there. Began to read regularly, to study legal side of a question. To Varya then only - three years were only executed, to Mischa was one and a half.

Then began to talk to the husband “purely hypothetically“. Well what he told me? Classics...“ I do not need foreign child, with genes of alcoholics and mummies - prostitutes“. And it is categorical. He did not want to spend the time, nerves and money for foreign child. I did not begin to insist. Then began from time to time it to tell stories from conference 7ya. He listened with half an ear. Showed photos. And children, I will tell you - it is unreal beautiful! I did not see still any adopted child that he was not beautiful as an angel! As it seemed to me, the relation at the husband exchanged a little, but all the same, he considered that it not for us.

the spring Came. And at conference “7ya. The adopted child“ hung out the story about one boy... I looked at a photo. It was in one of children`s homes far - far, in the Kirov region. I and before it noticed, very much it was “on me“. But it was big - 4,5 years. Told at conference that the boy - a miracle, but problems at it with the status (that is parents are not deprived of the parental rights) and will transfer it to children`s home soon. I “got sick“. Told Anton. There was an answer “is NOT PRESENT!“

Well, no, so is not present...

In couple of days we sat with it in cafe, I looked at dirty snow behind a window and thought of the dark-eyed, dark-haired boy whose name I already rolled in language. But I was silent - I was told “no“. And here Anton asked “You all think of that guy?“ (and we did not speak about it two days). I told that yes. Then he told: “Well, call, learn that there it is necessary, let`s take it“. I came home, called guardianship of that city, and Children`s home. In Children`s home I was told that the guy cool, clever, healthy. And guardianship of that city told that it has no status, call in a month.

Next day I went to the guardianship. Having read stories about pig-headed opeksky aunties, I armed with laws and resolutions and at once from a threshold declared:“ I need to collect a package of documents for the conclusion about an opportunity to be a trustee“. I was seated, asked, talked, warned... Distances the list of documents and phone of the Center where classes for future adoptive parents were given.

we began to go of

I to classes. Two times a week, for two hours, all we had four occupations. At two o`clock we never kept within - sat and communicated with the psychologist while any more at her the working day did not come to an end. Too with us it was interesting to it. For those two weeks that there were occupations, I in parallel collected all documents. I was not detained anywhere - very quickly issued all references, all necessary. Only the medicine was awful - well, understand, our policlinics and clinics, lines of grandmothers... On medicine at me most of all time - left the whole four days. (1 day - testing, 2 - the infectiologist and the neuropathologist, 3 - clinics, 4 day - the conclusion of the therapist and the commission).

After I collected documents, I handed over them in guardianship, wrote the application. In a week I received the decision. Called guardianship of the city where there was a child. And there I was told that on the child there is already a candidate... I was shocked. But if there is a conclusion, all of us - decided to go, fight for the guy.

Went by car. 16 hours on the way - and we in the tiny town, in the South of the Kirov region, almost already in Mary - Al. Children`s home. Small building, former kindergarten. Smell of public catering soup, children`s volosik, bleaching powder. The chief physician - the man of years of forty, with a little tired face. To us brought the boy. I still slightly shiver when I remember this moment. Huge eyes. Gentle - gentle skin, dark hair... And in eyes! He told:“ I will go“. We asked nothing - what right we had to ask if it guardianship did not allow us anything yet? And he already agreed to everything - take away me!

We jerked

in guardianship. “No, on the child there is a candidate“. We long found out whether there is a candidate actually. I will not go into details now, probably, just the boy David intended to the mother.

A mother Katya did not make out the son who on the street seized her by a leg and shouted: “Mother!!!“ I looked at it with pain, as well as at other children. I could not take it on hands - why to give to the kid hope which - and I then was sure - will not be executed? The teacher tore off its fingers from my jeans, persuading: “A step, do not cry, too mother will arrive to you!“ In me everything turned over then - to how many of them actually there will arrive mother? Also will live how many in state houses all life? But we decided to fight until the child whom we so wanted to take away does not turn out in a family - in ours or in another as it will turn out. And remembered Stepca Anton.

Then we left. And in few weeks of the boy David mother took away him, took away to Moscow. And at me began... well, not a depression, but stupor easy... There was no wish me for anything... I was convinced that if my child, then he waits for me that orphans at us in the country, unfortunately, will be enough for all and still will remain, but...

Ya somehow inertly persuaded Anton on one attracted girl. He refused. Told that he would agree to take only the girl Sonya of three years who had two more brothers - her twin and godovasik, together with brothers, and... Stepa. What Stepa? Yes that, you remember, “which here such!“ (here it did such longish face). But I did not agree for three (it is higher than my opportunities), to any unclear Stepa moreover with such person.

In a month left home Sonya with brothers. They were taken by a family from Moscow. And we so inertly bandied still... Well and it seems as the subject was closed.

on September 1. From Yaransk Katya Maldon - that which on 7e began to write about Yaransky Children`s home comes back. Also shows new photos. And I watched at Stepca everything - in the summer - than it hooked on Anton? Also saw its new photos. The husband was at work. Threw off to it by e-mail of the reference to these photos.

told

of ICQ “about - ou“. I open. There only one word “We Take?“ shock. I inhale. Well... “We take!“

I silence... We were afraid to speak about it. Whatever you may say - all this is terribly - here so to take, to decide and to take one more to the little ones. I was frightened by purely household difficulties, Anton, naturally, financial.

Then I, it is so shy: “Well, we rushed for that guy in the spring, than Stepa is worse?“

Silence...

“We - yes? Or all-... is not present?“

Silence...

We exhausted

each other the whole month. Idiots!!! And Stepca froze at the switched-off heating at this time! Eventually, the most stupid quarrel at midnight ended with the concrete showdown which dragged on till half-fourth morning. Having waited my hysterics (I do not remember from - for what - from - for all), Anton asked what is with me. I told what to me bothered to live in a hover, or he speaks to me yes, or is not present!!! And he then told the historical phrase: “Appearance of one more child in a family for me at all NOT the PROBLEM!“ And silence...

Ya went to the temple, prayed, ordered a prayer on a good deed (as I wanted to think that it will be for all kind!). Also went to guardianship. They sighed a little, poudivlyalis as carries me - that! But documents everything are valid within a year, except medicine - its validity period three months. It needed to be prolonged. The commission in policlinic agreed if the therapist approves. The therapist told to update analyses and to do vaccination against diphtheria. Made. The medicine was prolonged.

Took away a package of documents. Waited for money. Decided that I will go one, by train. Bought tickets. To tell that I was afraid - not to tell anything. All the time was at the tip of the tongue “CHTO YA I DO!!!“ Went to the temple. Put a candle of the Mother of God, prayed for that everything was as it is conceived - all in God`s hands... You know, happens what the wick is a little korotkovat and the candle dies away? And washing began to go out... Thought - as a lightning:“ My God, let it will be a sign - if I do not do it - the candle will go out. If everything is correct, then... “And as it flashed! Almost extinct candle, with slightly smoldering wick... It flashed and lit up such high flame! Well... God gives children...

Ya went. I felt sick all road, hands were ice. It was the horror from inevitable changes in life. I knew that there is a child, I am necessary to him, it needs a family. But me it was so terrible, there was a wish to shout: “Stop the train, I will descend“. As it became clear, and the stayed at home husband was tormented by the same thoughts. And still he thought: “And suddenly I was mistaken? Suddenly this boy at all not such how it is necessary to us?“

After arrival I came into Children`s home, greeted the chief physician. To children did not go - I try not to step twice on one rake. Went to guardianship at once. There took documents from me and allowed to go to watch Stefan - his such full name. I went.

I Come into group. To me two - the girl Lena with shout rush: “It I!“ Lena very much waits when behind her somebody arrives... In any case - all of them wait... Stepa with shout was the second: “Mother!“ No, he did not recognize me, and it is any not on the cards. Just to them, such babies, there is a wish to believe that once the door will open and Mother will enter. And, maybe, Father. Also will take away home. Though what is “mother“ and “home“ - they do not understand yet.

three days lasted Then that I waited for paperwork. Usually it becomes in one day, but I was not lucky - guardianship had courts and another matters and tickets were back bought on Friday. During ours already, it turns out, the second meeting, I felt nothing, any “yokanye“ about which all speak: Anything. Just the child, small, snotty, in the jacket soiled by soup, smelling of something nonnative. Just child. Whom I will take away.

Ya went to Children`s home, walked with Stepca. In group tried to happen less - it is very heavy. Twelve pairs of eyes look at you with hope and... melancholy. These children understand in life much more, than house. They understand that they are chosen. It is awful - to choose the child. And know that you will take one, and here such remarkable Dimka will remain, and little cheerful Svetochka will remain, and round gentle Nyusechka...

Even spending with it almost all that time that he did not eat and did not sleep, I still to it felt nothing. Peered at his unfamiliar person, at some too adult eyes … And felt nothing.

to me were given Stepina by documents. Almost all who were on change were going to see off us. I dressed it, and I was asked - you write to us, please, how it, maybe, you will send the photo? We put on and went.

Bus. Stepa was afraid when the door opened when it was closed, began to cry when someone entered or left. Fed him with candies “A tic - so“ all road - more nothing was near at hand. It seems, calmed down. He just it never saw anything - the bus, so many people... Station. Train. Mudflows. Stepca`s roar. He desperately was afraid. Foreign, in principle, aunt, took away it, somewhere it is lucky on something unclear... Poor, my poor boy...

the Trip by train was difficult. Stepa did not understand at all that he is created. At first we went to Moscow and were three together in a compartment with one more woman. At once it is visible that Stepa not such that he wild that he eats too much all the time, well, makes impression... Either the child who is very spoiled or the child with deviations. Well, you judge - he lived within four walls according to the strict schedule, the food was given and had to be eaten, a dream, a pot and all the rest - in a heap, according to the schedule. The woman asked:

- It at you house or goes to a garden?

I answered

I:

- It at me generally from children`s home. Visors it, I carry home.

- To?

- Yes.

- Well done!

after that she asked

whether it is difficult to collect documents, well and so on. It was very surprised that is easy and short. So we went to Moscow. In 16 hours Stepa obkakatsya twice, once peed the pants, and once threw up it from an overeating. He could not watch at food - that here it lies. It was necessary to eat. Even when went to bed - roared that yogurt is not eaten up. And in most does not climb any more. Grapes saw - ate too much and obrygatsya as the baby.

In Moscow us were met by acquaintances, we went to visit - to our train there were 4 hours. It became clear that Stepa in horror from any pets - from a guinea pig nearly in a faint was. And subway... Roared on the escalator, calmed down, began to shout in the train etc.

At last, we were put in the train Moscow - Arkhangelsk. Again roar. Undressed. It became clear that we go with 3 men. They were not glad. The child just killed them with the behavior. In five hours after departure they began me to utter that it is brought incorrectly up, and I namuchatsya then. Eventually, bothered me, and I asked to give a discount that we with the child only two days together.

- At the grandmother, perhaps, lived? (View full of disgust of me.)

- Is not present

, in children`s home. I only the day before yesterday appropriated it for guardianship.

Mute scene. After that men were ready to forgive it everything, fed with everything, looked after it in a corridor. And the same questions - whether it is difficult for me to process documents? And surprise from my stories that I did not spend kopeks and everything made in three weeks. Here that made our mass media inflating a problem of complexity with registration with people.

Arkhangelsk. Our neighbors in a compartment “took out“ us and handed over on hands to the father. Stepa roared. As always. Went home. In the Step car roared again. Arrived. Came into the apartment. Stepa remained on a ladder. Costs. Frowned. Varya left, took him by hand and got home. Put on a chair and began to take off to it boots. It, it is visible, decided that it small absolutely.

Undressed, came home. Stepik got up in a corridor corner, stood there, was shaken. You know how they shake? Sitting - forward - back, standing - legs at shoulder length, and from a leg on a leg. All of them shake. If all group - not a sight for the faint of heart shakes. They shake if to scold them, shake when wait for food... Stepa shakes if thinks that he is guilty and that “everything is bad“.

So far we put to it a bed, I dimmed, it all stood there. Then Anton showed it the house. Then sat down to eat. He devoured food - in a different way will not tell - pieces, swallowed, choked... Then it obrygatsya again... Put to sleep.

Slowly it began to adapt. We too. It is difficult actually - absolutely unfamiliar child, already big, in your house. Which does not know elementary, did not see the refrigerator, all the time rages from an unfamiliar situation, new emotions... It was difficult for me to adapt at first to it, it irritated me strongly … And still I suffered from the fact that other family would be delighted with such clever, beautiful, kind and tender child, and I cannot rejoice … Adaptation was also both at the husband, and at both of our biological children.

Cooking

, 4 years. From conversation with it soon after Stepa`s appearance of the house.

- Mother and when we had no Stepa?

- Var, there now was not two weeks ago.

- And where it was?

- He lived in other lodge, and we took away it then because it is ours.

- Not ours! Not ours! Not ours!

- Cooking

, it to nobody, except us, is necessary. And so it is impossible - that the person was necessary to nobody. So incorrectly. We took away it, and now it is ours.

Today. I abuse boys for the fact that play about at breakfast. Varya: “Mother! Do not shout at them! Stepa my brother and Mischa my brother - do not dare to shout at them!“

there Passed time, and Stepa very much changed. He grew up, was extended and considerably grew stout. He already quite well speaks, problems with diction all the same, of course, are - generally from - for strongly spoiled bite. A bite awful probably because that he sucked a finger, without ceasing, all early childhood. It already almost does not shake - very seldom, generally with boredom. It became selective in food.

the attitude of children towards him Changed. They with Varya perfectly play dolls, ware, he at it is Bu from “Corporation of monsters“, the Donkey from “Shrek“, the prince charming - whom she will want, that he also is. Still he “is ill“ it, “goes to bed“ … They play with Mischa by cars. On age it “fitted in“ tochnekhonko between biological children, with Varya at it a difference nine months, and with Mischa - exactly a year.

Many ask me about difficulties. I begin to reflect that difficult now in my life. Difficultly the fact that in the house three children, and all of them are small. As for Stepa - with it, perhaps, the easiest. In Children`s home it had a nickname “Stepka Is a Terrorist“. I was warned that it has problems with behavior, it besides that at it ZPR. I do not know why, but houses he is absolutely adequate child, obedient, tender. It is very easy to agree with it, he very much helps me - is tidied up, itself puts on. And I do not see ZPR at it - he perfectly remembers everything, everything understands, tells.

only the problem at us remains to

One and I cannot cope with it in any way - as I call it, “viktimny behavior“, that is behavior of the victim. It is always ready to something bad, it “is always guilty“ - so he, probably, feels. It is very often closed by hands if at it in the face of a hand to wave. It very much suppresses me. He is frightened if something does, begins to cry at once. And he cries … I did not see it yet … He cries as the adult, practically without sound. Just chokes with tears, sobs, tears flow … And without sound almost. You saw that the three-year-old child so cried? I - am not present. That is he very often feels guilty and, in principle, constantly waits for punishment. At the same time earlier he perceived any punishment as due, now, fortunately, I notice that he learned to take offense if something seems to it unfair. And still he is very tender child, it is ready to come off any toy, food, an animated cartoon that as he calls it, to “potsenutsya“, kiss that is.

This absolutely special feeling - to bring up the adopted child. You feel like a few Pygmalion, and this feeling is other than how you raise blood children. Yes, passed nine months, but I all the same feel a difference in how I treat Stepa and as biological children. There is no sense it to hide. In what a difference? I am proud more when at it something turns out. And I want that it was seen by as much as possible people. But also I am upset from more - for its failures. I love it, but this love a little not such, as to blood children. This love is more similar to feeling to the friend, probably, because it is constructed, grown up from heart. He is my child, but at the same time I understand that it - part something bigger.

Here such he is my average son, my third child.