The parallel worlds of
Addressing memory the childhood, many remember serious problems in communication with the senior generation, how it was difficult to achieve understanding. Sometimes it seems that adults and children live in different measurements.I was sure by
Of the childhood: adults do not respect us, they ignore us and drive away! Then I became adult, and history repeated... In cafe we three together: I, my five-year-old daughter and my friend. Her daughter on occupations, and we sit and we communicate. I set for myself the task - to come into contact between the daughter and the girlfriend. It appeared, it is difficult! The child all the time tries to draw attention: “Mothers, let speak about astronautics!“ (favourite character of a computer game). The girlfriend, ignoring presence of the daughter, with enthusiasm informs me on prices for apartments and so forth. The baby takes offense: “Mother, well when we will be about astronautics?.“ It is necessary to strain to direct conversation to the general course: in brief I explain to the girlfriend who such kosmonavtik, and I translate into children`s language of a problem of the room prices. The girlfriend misses, the daughter is nervous. Really adults and children are so incompatible? Why it is so difficult to find a common ground?
I remember the childhood Again... To me years nine - and mother talks to the girlfriend. I try to ask something, but that tears off: “It is adult conversation!“
Oh these mother`s girlfriends as they made the life of me miserable! They were always sure that with them it is more interesting to mother! Here we in the south - with mother walk in the park, and the next friend joins us. We got acquainted yesterday, but it already here. She wants to tell about personal problems, she hesitates of me and under a specious excuse tries to drive away: “What you with us go? Children play - go get acquainted!“ At many installation: children have to be with children, adults - with adults! Others consider that if to send children where - nibud it is impossible, they need to be dragged for themselves as any appendage, without reckoning with their interests at all.
Initially children show big readiness to communicate with adults, than adults - with children. Obstacles create adult. They press a children`s spontaneity the rules. In - the first, the child has to control himself not to tell incidentally adult “you“. In - the second, should not forget polite words (“hello, good-bye, thanks, please“). In - the third, it is obliged to answer all questions of adults. And in - the fourth, does not dare to interfere when adults speak among themselves. Adults in the presence of children are held down - feel obliged to tell only the “correct“ things (know that it is impossible to gossip, criticize other adults). And there is a wish to talk: to complain of something, to brag of something. But in the presence of the child - it is impossible: it is necessary to look ideally!seriously many adults are not able to Tell
with the child frankly and: lisp or use a standard set of foolish questions (depending on age of the child): “where at a bear eyes?“, “as call your toy?“ and, at last, the school student is asked: “What estimates at you?“
Adults seem to children fools, but consider that it is children still silly. With adults children are afraid to be sincere. Adults behave as insensible peace officers: instead of understanding children, they constantly estimate them. They hold the set of rules and behavior of the child in the head, and all his words treat only from a position of these rules: whether it broke what? If in a straight talk of the child to ask: “What did you feel when the teacher acted this way?“ - it is possible to notice horror on his face. The silence which is followed by an expressive mimicry will be the answer. The person will express feelings which actually arose at the child in relation to the teacher, and panic because that he cannot tell it aloud - fear “wrong“ to answer! From the early childhood inspire in children that they always have to have only good feelings. About offenses, chagrin, rage out of the question if it is about the teacher. The child understands that any wrong word can turn back against it.Should recognize
: children have feelings in relation to behavior of parents, tutors, teachers. From the fact that adults forbid to express them emotions will not get to anywhere.Danger of authoritarianism
Theoretically we know
how it is correct to raise children: they should be on friendly terms, give with them support. However in practice we order them or we reject them - the standard traditions, such is our culture are that. It is difficult to arrive in a different way. Society dictates: “Do not help the child - he has to be independent! Do not calm him - let will cry! Abuse - let obeys!“ When mother declares: “As I was tired of these children!“ - sympathize with it, understand it. But if she suddenly speaks: “I am not tired of children at all, I very much like to be constantly with them!“ - it causes, at least, bewilderment.
Ya brought up the daughter according to the latest pedagogical recommendations: we talked much, and I always expressed pleasure from our communication. It appears, thereby I shocked the public! It irritated detached onlookers, all of them time tried to divide us. Spoke to the daughter: “Why you hold mother about yourself? Let she will have a rest! Do not torment her!“ They replaced the concept “communicate“ with the concept “sponsor“: time mother spends much time with the daughter instead of leaving her to the mercy of fate, so she excessively sponsors her.
If the daughter prefers to walk with mother, but not with companions, so it is dependent. When we sit hour in buffet, we eat slowly and we discuss daughter`s computer astronautics (meanwhile, manipulating toys, I help it to make homework), it is many disturbs. In the course other rules: “Children have to eat the food quickly, to do homework without any toys - and any chatter! And mothers have to control, adjust and intimidate them only!“ Unless study in buffet, in an informal situation is possible?
I what? Parents should not even admit the child to this dangerous subject! However the opportunity given to the child to speak about the “computer experiences“ fluently - guarantee of sincere communication with the adult! Experiences - that all the same are. It is necessary not to forbid, not to ignore them, and to discuss actively! And training is most effectively carried out in an informal situation when it is possible to mix easily in one conversation everything at once: both interesting, and difficult, and computer, and toys, and scientific data.Children are clever
, they have a rich inner world, and they are ready to communication, only we for some reason reject them. The child wants to argue with the adult, to express the opinion, but simply shut it a mouth: “Do not argue!“ The child tries to tell about the feelings - and hears haughty: “So with adults it is impossible to speak!“ And the poor kid becomes reserved, suffering from loneliness. The most interesting that after a while all this is wrapped against the same adults. When the child becomes a teenager, there is a “mirror“ situation: we try to contact with it, we look for mutual understandings, but we run into roughness. We would give everything now for that hour or so to sit with it in buffet and to communicate, chat easy about everything on light, but not here - that was! Once young mother did not want to take the kid at the sea, having declared: “With the child - it is not rest!“ Years through ten when she invited the son with herself in travel, he with a contemptuous grimace answered with the same words: “With parents - it is not rest!“ Council one: look for mutual understandings and protect it!
Good communication - an opportunity to sincerely express the feelings. Allow the child to speak about the offenses, rage, chagrin, experiences, help it to express everything that he feels and thinks. Teach him to speak about negative emotions openly! Let him know the corresponding words, and also understands, as adults have similar.