Do not learn to live - support!
Exist many ways to help a young family. But one of the most important and still remain financial support. Many expenditure are necessary to future parents. Money, as we know, superfluous does not happen, and for your children such help will always be by the way. At first sight, everything looks very simply: it will be good to give everything money to children - and. But actually everything is much more difficult. Money can be both a source of new opportunities, and the reason of the conflicts, chagrin, mutual reproaches and even sufferings...to Help
, but not to “buy“
Before opening a purse, once you seriously consider, it is better to use force of money that it did not become destructive for your family, and allowed you and to your children amicably and successfully to endure the fine, but difficult period in life.
First that needs to be found out for itself, - what true purpose of your help. It is important to answer himself a question honestly: what, actually, caused my desire to help? Whether really it is disinterested? Whether I give them money to have more power over them? Or that then it was possible to demand money and from them - say, I helped you, now you are obliged to help me. And maybe, I try to wash away thus guilt for last mistakes or, on the contrary, to punish children for something?
Mikhail Petrovich was very rich person. It actually supported two adult children as their income was incomparable with that quantity of money which it gave them. Everything was good until the eldest son of Mikhail Petrovich decided to marry. The father was dissatisfied with the choice of the son and tried to dissuade him, but nothing turned out. Then he told that if Gleb does not obey, it will reduce to it an allowance. The son remained at the choice, and the father executed threat. Later, when Gleb told the father that they with the wife expect a baby, the situation repeated. The father secretly hoping that objectionable to him marriage will collapse threatened to deprive completely in case of the child`s birth of Gleb of the monetary help. Gleb was in rage. He accused the father of blackmail, they swore and completely stopped communicating. For Gleb`s family hard times came. Besides, it was heavy to it to see how well there lives his sister to whom the father still continued to give a lot of money. Its marriage was subjected to serious test, and just while it with the wife was and it is so very difficult in connection with expectation and the child`s birth. Fortunately, Gleb and his wife had enough forces and wisdom to overcome this crisis, and even more they united the birth of the kid. But the relations with the father were restored only many years later.
Gleb`s Father wanted to operate by means of money the children, “to keep a tight rein on them“, without allowing them to move away strongly. The power over them, than their wellbeing and freedom was much more important for it. Therefore it is always very important to listen to himself, to understand what true purposes of your financial support: to give more freedom to children or to bind hand and foot of them. It is important to refuse resolutely all claims on the power and to be careful and attentive to the feelings every time when you decide to give money to the children...
Independent children and children - extortioners
needs to mean also the relation of children to your financial support. There are children who very much want to be independent, despite everything, and prefer to starve if only not to depend in anything on parents. The reasons can be different: desire to ego-trip in the opinion of the partner or before by itself, fear to become dependent, negative experience or something else. Is not necessary at all for it to take offense at them. They grow, mature and have the right to live as they consider it necessary. Of course, if you see that the desire of independence overcomes common sense - for example, the pregnant woman eats nothing as she does not want to take from parents of money, be not afraid to insist on the. Your children surely have to understand that on one bowl of scales their self-affirmation, and on another - life and health of the child lies. But, anyway, the decision will be made all the same by a young family, and with it it is only possible to reconcile instead of taking offense, be angry or try to blackmail them for the sake of them. All this can lead only to deterioration in the relations and will hardly help to achieve those purposes which you before yourself set.
also other extreme - children - the extortioners who are engaged in blackmail and manipulations Is. The reasons can be, again - very different, for example egoism and unwillingness to use the efforts to earn money. Or rage and offense on parents for any last events and secret desire to sweep. Or infantilism and fear of independent life. Such children skillfully manipulate the parents, using their sense of guilt or pity, weakness of character or fear to lose the children. Parents move towards any whims, and children can constantly “live off“ mother with the father.
Zhenya and Masha lived cheerfully and carefree, successfully manipulating the parents. Zhenya used that the father had before him sense of guilt (he left a family for the sake of other woman when Zhenya was 10 years old, and all the failures the son got used to shift to it - say if the father did not leave, it would have absolutely other life). The father always felt guilty and implicitly paid all his expenses, and now when the family of the son expected a baby, became especially generous and careful and was ready for everything that Zhenya was happy. Masha always speculated on pity and concern of the parents. Since the childhood she was a weak child, often was ill, and parents got used to blow off from her motes and to overload with nothing. Masha grew up and got stronger, her health quite was enough for entertainments and parties, but instead of working, she preferred to take money from parents, motivating it with “poor health“ and “harmful working conditions“. Pregnancy was to the good for it too. Small requests turned in more and more large, and her parents remained still everything same trouble-free in spite of the fact that their financial position left to wish much more the best. History proceeded until the Wife`s father did not decide that from him it is enough and that he washed away guilt before the son already enough. His second wife helped to understand it to it. She insisted long ago that he too indulges the son to the detriment of their needs and requirements. His children from new marriage took offense at it too, and he became angry about them, considering that they do not understand it. The mutual discontent brought them with the wife to the family psychologist. With its help the father Zheni understood that his actions caused by sense of guilt cause damage not only to it and his family, but also his son, his growing and independence. After that he very clearly let know Jeunet that will not carry out any his desires any more. He did not deny to the son the assistance absolutely, but limited it to reasonable limits. Jeunet was necessary to begin to live most. At first it was difficult for it, but soon he learned to behave as the mature person. It changed, and Masha, being near it, too gradually began to change. But, as her parents continued to treat it as to the sick child, its growing passed much more slowly, than Wife`s.As we see
, Jeunet was lucky more, than to Gleb. His father did not refuse to help it, did not try to manipulate it, did not throw it at a difficult moment. And Jeunet was easier to endure a transition period in spite of the fact that it coincided with the birth of his child. And still, if you found out that your children behave as Zhenya and Masha - do not hurry to press brakes sharply: you transfer them to “self-service“ gradually, distinguishing reasonable requests from unreasonable, supporting the first and firmly refusing the second. You do not hurry, all of you need time to pass to the new relations, and the you will be quieter it to do, the it will be better for all of you and your future grandson.
Is planned together
First of all needs to be understood and discussed with a family how many money you are ready “to offer“ to young people and as it seems to you more conveniently and more expediently to do it. For example, it is more convenient to someone to allocate the large sum at once, and to someone - every month “to throw up“ gradually. Thus you will be able to avoid the possible conflicts in the family connected with distribution of money. Very often happens so: mother thinks one, the father - another, they among themselves do not discuss it in any way, then share the reasons or at once - money with children, and then there are misunderstanding, disappointment and offenses. The father becomes angry about mother, the son - about the father, the daughter-in-law - about the mother-in-law, and everything from - for the fact that parents did not agree among themselves in advance how many money and in what mode they are going to allocate in the form of the help, and each of them promised children a miscellaneous. So at first it is worth discussing surely this subject and to together plan the actions. Even if in your family monetary issues are resolved only by one of partners, another, anyway, has to know his plans in order that spouses could act together and not create difficulties in the relations among themselves and with children.
Besides, it is worth asking children on what help they count and in what form it would be more convenient to them to receive it and to coordinate, whenever possible, their wishes with your plans. It will also be useful to make these plans transparent for your children: you can tell them as the financial situation is at you and why you see the help to them quite so. It is important to children to understand what they can count on too to make the monetary plans for the future. And it is very important to keep the word: if you lent a shoulder to the children, do not take away it, now it is especially important for them.
More is better than less?
One more important aspect which needs to be discussed: what amount of the monetary help you consider useful to your children? It is important to find such balance which, on the one hand, will allow your children to feel support, to pay necessary expenses and to live more freely, and with another, - will not allow them to shift to you providing the life completely.
In case your income is limited also a question of that. that money will appear too much, is not necessary, do not torment yourself with sense of guilt from - for the fact that you cannot give to the children so much how many for them it is necessary now. They are already rather adult to establish a family, they made the decision on the child`s birth. They took the responsibility for how they will live, - to them it and to bear. You help them so as far as it is possible and good for your family.
Besides, do not forget also about other children if you have them. Be fair in relation to them. If you help more now to one of them as in his family the child is expected, other children have to, in - the first? to understand why it occurs, and in - the second, to be firmly sure that when their turn comes, and they will receive the same, as their brother or the sister now.
in conclusion I want to return to the main idea of this article. You should not underestimate that force which money has in the human relations. Therefore it is very important to respect the rights and interests of your children, to try not to offend them and not to take offense, not to give in on manipulation, despite the difficult period in their life and to be careful and fair in rendering financial support to them.