Rus Articles Journal

As long I waited for you

A few days ago I understood that it is necessary to write this story. How understood? I went from shop, loaded bags, and suddenly heard behind the back: “Mother!“ Mechanically turned back and saw absolutely unfamiliar woman with the girl. And here I suddenly thought that still a year ago I would not turn back...

This strange story began

long ago.

the Dandelion on a thin leg,
A in eyes the concealed calm.
Who told that you will not be,
Long-awaited you are my kid?
You in me the concealed pain,
Fought as if a live thread: No terrestrial forces
Us will be able to separate
from you!

These verses dreamed me nearly 15 years ago when my child died while giving birth. Vaguely I remember ragged walls and indifferent faces of doctors. I remember how begged them to make though something!“ And that you want, on such term do not survive! And would survive - to you - that what for? Will grow the disabled person! And so it is better for you... “

Almost I do not remember

how the husband brought me home... I remember only a wall. I lay and looked at a wall. For days on end I looked at this wall and thought that me have no need to live. The last chance ended with a failure. I looked at a wall with old wall-paper and did not think of anything. Sometimes I fell asleep. In what of these days verses dreamed me, I do not remember, but having woken up, I got out of a bed. Life proceeded...

the Word “children“ became in our family a taboo. As my work was connected with children, I left and went to receive new specialty. Also spoke to herself: “I will be able“.


work. There passed year, behind it another. And I ceased to shudder, having met on the street the woman with a carriage.

Somehow the girlfriend, knowing that I well knit, asked to connect a jacket to her child.“ Forgive, but I will not knit children`s things. Never I will be“.

the husband`s parents Died. There was the apartment. Work. And house. It is necessary to make repair. And I occupy myself with repair. We save for furniture, curtains, and it is good to change the refrigerator... In the evenings we sit with the husband in kitchen, and we are fine. At us and the truth everything is good, only for some reason in some day I find myself, facing a show-window of children`s shop. I remember that here it is not necessary to me, and I leave, without looking back. Though for that jacket with a chicken I just have money...

Which of us with the husband the first pronounced the WORD? I do not remember... Also there was this word “ADOPTION“. I remember our disputes to blue in the face. And decision: it is necessary to learn where give children!. Who knew that that phone call will be distributed, and the scared voice of my mother will tell: “With the father badly!“

One and a half years of hospitals, doctors and drugs. Hope and despair. My father left, and mother suddenly turned into the old woman. It was necessary to solve financial problems: debts should be paid, and again work, work, work... And mother`s first stroke. And again hospitals and drugs... And thought full of a despair: God does not allow me even to take the child! From where to me was to know then what is THERE, ABOVE know better?

Which of us did not think that there is a destiny? And whether there is it in general? Probably, this question from that eternal on which people will never find the answer. My cousin called and told that at work the woman took the child from them. And this woman is ready to help if we still want. We want? Long conversation with the husband who proved to me that we want...

My God why to me it is so terrible??? What do I am afraid of? Genes? No, I saw children from different families too much to be frightened genes. What will be told by people? No, I was above that age long ago to depend on someone`s opinion. So what? It is necessary to be honest with itself! I am afraid that again nothing will leave that not on the cards... And still I am afraid that the child will be sick, and I will not have enough money that to cure him.

Ya I meet “the woman from work“. Olya - surprisingly lovely and sensitive little man. So I learn about the website on the Internet and conference. I gather the shivering hands the address and I read everything: stories and archive, questions and documents, councils of psychologists and history, history, history... And photos!!! Tens of baby faces - such different and such beautiful!!! It turns out that children can be chosen! It as??? I cannot choose anybody!!! I am ready to take away all! And it is still good to understand when misses a bit“. And suddenly at me “will not miss a bit“?

I Ring

the guardianship and I learn business hours. Olya calls and says that she is going to go to Children`s home from where her younger daughter, she should take away some documents which forgot to give. Would we like to go with it? If we want, then it is necessary to call the chief physician. I gather mezhgorod, it am represented and I ask that it is necessary? Pampers and fruit? And how many? The day after tomorrow it is convenient? Yes, it is good, I understood all... I call the husband, he asks for leave from work. The husband, you whom want, the girl or the boy? And why girl? And what I? I don`t care! And at night I dream a dream: to me the room is entered by the adult girl, and I understand that it is my daughter. And we talk. And I call her Tan. Why Tanya???

The day after tomorrow. What idiot thought up such quantity of different pampers? All right, we take different! Do not forget fruit and juice. Ol, why at your car such small luggage carrier? We go 2 hours. Awful roads situated near Moscow, but I do not notice them. We talk to Olya. The husband stupidly is silent.

Small town situated near Moscow. The brick building similar to factory is enclosed with a high fence. Children are not visible, only a swing and sandboxes remind that this child care facility. Office of the chief physician. The young nice woman with clever eyes inspects the heap of gifts which is thrown out by us and smiles. We get acquainted. Shortly I tell about us. The husband continues to be silent stupidly. We take gifts, and we are conducted in group to children of 2 - 3 years. The chief physician tells about Anechka, the good, status girl. Shakes me for nervousness. My God, what all of them are small! Growth from one-year-old!!!

Dreamily I approach

Anechka, but I cannot focus a look. It moves down on the girl sitting to me a back. The baby turns to me and stretches handles. My God what is done here by my child?! A small dandelion on a thin leg!!! That, from the poem!!! The white head, blue bottomless eyes, thin neck, Thin handles - stebelechka seize with such force that not to tear off them... I turn to the husband, and they look at each other: my husband and his children`s photo! From shock I cannot utter words, and I only hear the nurse`s voice: “And it is our TANYa!“

Thin the daddy “Personal record“ contains in himself a pile of the pieces of paper defining the whole life of the little person. There is no one only, most important which is called “The conclusion about deprivation of the parental rights“. The chief physician rings guardianship of that city from where brought the girl. The inspector says that he a family knows that to the girl who gave rise is a miracle - the child is not necessary, but so far it cannot be deprived of the rights as she is not yet 18 years old. Also suggests to take under guardianship.

can be not written with

I how in 2 weeks I collected ALL documents and received the decision???

I here us was waited by new test... Guardianship of the city To., where there is a Children`s home, refuses to make out without the direction from Department of Education of the Moscow Region. The department refuses to channelize. The chief physician advises me not to be given! Three months are much when you here, and it there. Three months of trips to Children`s home, and with each trip all are heavier to come back without it... And next office... And again refusal. And the husband finishing not to go so far, not to tear soul to itself and the child. Silly husband... How I can not go? She waits!

Having cried all night long after the next refusal, I collect in the morning a bag and I run to catch on the intercity bus. Of course, I was late, it was necessary to wait for the following and I arrived later than usual. When I ran in in group, all children had already dinner, and the teacher exclaimed: “Tanya, watch who arrived!“

“MOTHER! MOTHER!“ - “My daughter, you are able to speak? We will ask, and to us will allow to go to bed later! Thanks!“

We sat together on a swing. And I spoke, spoke, spoke... My God, what nonsense I talked!!! I told how we will go home. And as it is waited by the grandmother and the father! And that we will buy it a beautiful bed and many toys! And that I will reach the President, but I will take away her! And Tanya listened and smiled... and I suddenly understood that all will be good!

Low bow to the Chief physician. I do not know what she made, but in 2 weeks we got permission in Department!

I! Also there was the first Birthday of the house! And first gifts! And the first kulichik in a sandbox! And small shoes! And first New year!

Ya I knit children`s things again. And Tatyana was the hooligan and the laugher! And the biggest love with the father! And the shop assistant in shop shouting to the father: “The man, your child escaped!“ Also there is no more diagnosis “a delay of mental development“! We tell verses and I will eat songs! And we have a favourite song.

- Mother, include a song!

- What?

- Plo a floret!

Ya I include a disk, Tanya gets to me on knees and begins to sing along:


“The flower scarlet - scarlet,
Bright, festive as if a dawn exists!
the Most solar and unknown, It dream is called
not for nothing!
Perhaps there, behind the seventh pass
Will flash fresh as winds of throats,
the Most fantastic and unknown,
the Most magic flower! Remembering
a joyful miracle,
Afar walking on ringing dew,
That flower many people,
look for But, of course, find not everything.
Perhaps there, behind the seventh pass
Will flash fresh how winds of throats,
the Most fantastic and unknown,
the Most magic flower?“

the Bird is knocked by

on others window?
In life is a lot of collisions...
It is possible to sigh wearily only:
nothing depends on us...
On brightly burning casino fires;
Freezes the old woman at the temple;
I mother who became old attains the age in the distance,
Press close mongrels to an entrance to the subway,
Well, we for them not in the answer...
I at stalls use foul language easily
someone`s grown-up children...
Eternal gray vymerzlost of persons,
Fragile kazhushchest destinies...
Can be passed habitually by -
nobody for anything will not condemn.
Time flows down from the patched roofs
and unwritten letters...
Somewhere in children`s home cries the kid.
nothing depends On us???