Science of a tender passion...
Maria, 32, teacher of college:
- we have very good family, and there were always fine matrimonial relations. And now, for the first time in ten years of joint life, I feel some cooling from the husband. And it concerns only intimate relations, all the rest still. We also spend free time, he is engaged with the senior child, comes for me for work, but... everything that is connected with sex, diligently avoids. Even I do not know what to think. Most likely, it is connected with pregnancy - I do not seem to it attractive. Or it has an interest, but to someone to another. Just I guess, and I cannot ask about it, of course. It would be desirable to understand and, the main thing, to return everything that was.
Svetlana Iyevleva, psychologist:
- At once should tell that both of your assumptions are incorrect. It can be claimed with an accuracy of 99,9 percent. Of course, purely theoretically such reasons are possible, but in this concrete case put, most likely, not in them. First of all, because interest loss, as well as the novel that is called on the party, are shown, first of all, just not in the sexual relations. You would notice both on some other signs: to views, words, intonations. And it would be shown in any your relations. And as for hobby of the husband, it in general often does sexual life in a family of more intensive (in - the first, from - for sense of guilt, in - the second that there were no suspicions, and, in - the third, romanticism of new meetings aggravates sensitivity and increases sexual energy). So a problem in something another. And it is necessary to understand it consistently.At first should be determined by
whether the problem is real. The matter is that pregnancy can change considerably emotionality of the woman, and it affects the relation to all events and to surrounding people. Many notice that they need more sensitive, tender, gentle attitude of the partner towards themselves, want more admiration and in general everything that would be the proof of love. And it is desirable that the husband himself guessed that and at what moment expect from it. Naturally, it causes misunderstanding and even the conflicts. The woman can take offense at caress of the husband in the morning (“To me so badly, he what, does not understand?“ ), sharply to react, and then already to take offense at the fact that he within two next days offers nothing. Besides, it must be kept in mind that many men are frightened in general by excessive emotionality of wives, especially in the first trimester of pregnancy. So not violation of the relations, but discrepancy of your expectations can take place. Real the problem can be considered in case intimate relations became very rare in spite of the fact that your own behavior did not change, and the husband finds the reasons for refusal, even when the initiative proceeds from you, and this long time proceeds.
If this is so - also is about violation of a potentiality (erektilny dysfunction), then it is passed to discussion of the reasons. They are various and are divided into two groups - organic and psychological. Diseases, and not only the urinogenital sphere belong to the first group. Can lead to sexual violations also hormonal problems, and it is warm - vascular diseases, and consequences of injuries. The man can even sometimes not know about existence at it of problems with health, and only comprehensive inspection will help to find out it.15% of all cases of impotence are the share
Of medical problems. All others are violations psychological. Stresses, problems at work, changes in life, difficulty in the relations with people around... It is difficult to tell what can work so strongly, all people different and perceive everything very individually. For one severe stress there will be a moving on the new residence, for another - pressure from the administration at work. Also the uneasiness which arose after unsuccessful attempt of sexual contact can be the cause (which, by the way, can happen also at absolutely healthy people and violation is not considered). But sometimes such failures of the man take too seriously and at the following sexual contacts are afraid already in advance that it will repeat. Naturally, at such spirit the man feels tensely, and it not in the best way affects a potentiality. Receiving the increasing confirmation of the insolvency each time, the man can stop absolutely all attempts over time, believing that all the same nothing will turn out.
the violations connected directly with pregnancy of the wife Happen. But not because her appearance seems so unattractive. Just some, especially sensitive, with the thin sincere organization of the man so react to presence of “third party“ at intimate process. These are very exceptional cases, and they pass by itself at once after the child`s birth.to Learn
what reason in a concrete case, can be difficult. First of all, because men take problems with a potentiality very seriously and painfully. Sexual abilities all others join before at them in an image of the normal man. Violations strongly reduce a self-assessment, often men in general perceive it as crash of all life. Naturally, it is opened they are not inclined to speak about it, especially with the partner. Moreover, they try to behave so that as much as possible to disguise problems. For this purpose the following receptions can be used:
- Frequent or even constant conflictness in a family, which purpose - to avoid close relations. There are claims to the wife and even her charges of something, and refusal of intimate relations happens for this reason (“you became such nervous, I cannot get used“). the Man can begin to work with
- much and by that to justify late returns home and constant fatigue.
- In conversation with friends there are many jokes of sexual character and the jokes showing interest in a subject.
- Acquisition of the means raising a potentiality (it can disappear, and can speak as desire of experiment in the relations).
- of the Address to the doctor which also disappear.
- Intimate relations on the party, and most often not the present novel, but the appeal to service “call girls“.
- Change of the general health and general background of mood. The conditions of depression, depression, irritability happening more often than usually.
But even if the woman guessed the arisen problems, conversation on them is not always possible. Remarks in any, even to the softest form, can seem offensive for the husband. Besides, the wife can think that she is guilty in the circumstances or just became absolutely unattractive for the husband (especially if finds out that he seeks to show the activity on the party). Therefore often family life is complicated by quarrels, the conflicts, a mutual distrust. Many resort to temporary parting which, alas, sometimes becomes final. However at the correct approach of both partners such frustration are subject to successful treatment.
In cases when violations of a potentiality accompany any diseases, first of all needs to be engaged in their prime cause. Without inspection and doctors not to do here. If problems have psychological character, the correct relation to a problem and correct behavior is necessary, but also special psychotherapeutic techniques can be required. And you act as the psychotherapist. How exactly to begin “procedures“, it is impossible to tell precisely. Everything depends on what relations at you developed as the husband treats a problem whether he agrees to discuss it with you, and from many other details. Perhaps you should declare that you understand everything that occurs, or perhaps on the contrary, not to accent this subject in any way. To solve it to you - you know better and feel a situation.Most of men would not like
that they were kind to them. It puts them in the disabled person`s position, and you will only let know that you treat him indulgently, but at all not as the normal man. Therefore, probably, it is worth beginning with a technique which helps to remove disturbing expectation. It is called “paradoxical intension“ and for the first time was is offered by V. Frankl, the Austrian psychotherapist. Its essence in breaking off the “alarm-failure-alarm“ mechanism. The person has to want what he is afraid of. The one who is afraid to redden at performances has to in every way try to redden. The one who is afraid of sexual contacts has to understand that they also are undesirable and are even impossible.
As it can look in practice? The simplest - to declare to the husband that you cannot have sex, but at the same time to keep all the rest in your intimate relations - caress, kisses, embraces. He ceases to feel tension and fear, there relaxes and comes the desired effect. And there is enough once that the problem disappeared. Again there is a confidence, the fear and a constant control of a situation which also spoiled all is removed. If it does not lead to desirable result, then business, most likely, in problems medical, and to you is tactful, it is almost imperceptibly necessary to suggest the husband an idea of treatment.
- the First question disappears - I am sure that the problem is. It is absolutely clear, I even should not analyze anything. The matter is that my behavior and mood during pregnancy even become better. All first pregnancy I felt rise and there was in great mood, and now the same. And not only I can tell it. All acquaintances and friends repeatedly joked on a topic that I do not need to leave a pregnant state. And the husband sees it too. In any case, there are no offenses, tears, requirements for my part. And I show activity - it cannot be imperceptible. Well, of course, I do not speak:“ Let`s have sex“ - and I do not begin to undress it already on a threshold, but how it is possible to regard that I ask to undo to me a dress? Earlier he understood how it is necessary, and now it... just undoes a dress. Well, and one thousand more such trifles which convince that it really avoids it. The closed door in a bathroom, its visits in the evenings of garage, to the friend, in shop, to his mother. It also takes me, even in garage, but it speaks about one - he does not want to stay at home with me. On Sunday it since morning plans so many any actions that just in a bed to stay there is no time, not to mention something else...
I, I think, it is not a state of health. It works in a military college, good doctors and inspections regular there. And here it has enough stressful situations recently. Constantly some reforms, staff reductions, moving. And, by the way, validly, was few times that somehow did not turn out, but... I normally treated it, did not even focus attention on it. From what to it so to worry?
But as it is the only real reason, probably, I will begin with that paradoxical method.
Couple of days I thought that to tell it and as all this has to look. I had to, having declared that I cannot have sex, behave sexually. It would look strange. And what reason to think up? To say that I have problems with health, there was no wish - I am superstitious in this regard.
the Decision came unexpectedly and in the unexpected place. In the gynecologist`s office.
- you have such heartbeat, seemingly, that something disturbs you, - my doctor told (well, still, of course, would disturb). - You feel well?
- Yes, it is very good, - I told. - Probably, just worried.
- So, pressure normal. You need something calming. Try warm (but not hot) bathtubs with special salt for pregnant women.
Here! Found! I also decided to try it - both bathtubs, and a pretext.in the Evening I told
to the husband that the doctor, having found unusual heartbeat, recommended bathtubs, a light massage of a back, head and legs (I hardly kept not to tell that else he recommended a mink coat) and the main thing - any sex. Until further notice. Probably, very long. The husband somehow began to worry (as if to him it was not worse), but I told that at all pregnant women it happens, only during the different periods (and I am able to lie) and right there by a weak voice asked massage of the head. It is a shame to tell, but I, seemingly, am excited now already by touches to the head. Perhaps it is already time to pass to resolute actions? But is not present, is not present - any sex. As the doctor told.
I so every day. Bathtub, massage, rubbing in of aromatic oil. Plus - at last - normal communication with the husband who ceased to go anywhere in the evenings and ceased to torture me the cultural program for days off. Exactly at six in the evening every day it was at home, and its embraces and kisses became much warmer. And then he began and to me to come into a bathroom and, by the way, noticed that I very much nothing (so there was a wish to say goodbye to paradoxical... something there, but I restrained).
generally, everything was remarkable. Though is not present. In - the first, I not absolutely understood how many in general it is necessary to continue all this? In - the second, one night I woke up and saw that the husband sits in front of the computer.“ Well, works again“, - I thought. But, having looked at the screen, understood that he is engaged not in so technological processes. The nurse in one medical hat (actually, it was also possible to determine only by it that she is a nurse) communicated with the patient in the same approximately clothes - only without hat. Then it was replaced by the teacher with a pointer in a hand and at the same time in one boots, then - two shop assistants who are at the same time serving the buyer. Nightmare! No, not these pictures - I have an idea of such kind of art, and not against it at all. To me it became bad from thought that the husband, it is tender me ironing and kissing, it was right there thrown to a pornography as soon as I fell asleep. Unless it not hypocrisy? All rest of night I did not sleep. And the husband but, having seen enough, fell asleep as the baby. Well, thank God, though did not begin to call and call girls on the house.in the Morning I told nothing
. It was necessary to look that further - that will be.
A further everything went, as well as it was supposed. Than more I said that it is impossible (no, you that, the doctor told!) more husband was located by that to me. I kept as could. Our behavior became obvious to regress. In the sense that we behaved as teenagers. For hours kissed, embraced and told each other any lovely nonsenses. I decided that I had enough of such behavior and that tomorrow as we will come from ultrasonography, it will be necessary to arrange tests.
... The doctor prepared everything, and already began survey. Here in an office someone glanced, and the doctor together with the sister, having apologized, asked to wait. I lay on a couch, the husband sat next. At first he considered all these devices, devices, told something about the child. The doctor all did not come... We began to think who at us - the boy or the girl - and what we will choose a name. Passed minutes twenty - the doctor was not... At me the back already grew dumb, I sat down on a couch and leaned against the husband. He leaned against me. I stroked it. He stroked me too. I kissed him. It - me. The doctor everything was not... On a couch it was somehow close. “Went from here rather“, - the husband and we told, having hardly put on, left an office and almost ran along a corridor. “Where we go? Somehow inconveniently“, - I tried to resist. “There are free offices here, eventually?“ - the husband inspected all plates. The eye it was fixed by an inscription: “School for future mothers“. It resolutely pulled the handle. The door opened: in an office there were occupations. The husband was also resolutely developed: “So, we go to an exit“. We left hospital and got into the car. To the house it was far, but to park - it is close. I, by the way, never before in it was - the area - that new - and always wanted to look what there attractions and in general... Though this time saw nothing. Actually, we and from the car - that did not leave, and deep into the woods, far away just drove off from playgrounds and territories for walking of dogs. There also the technique of paradoxical was complete... again forgot - what, and, it is necessary to tell that it very much was even romantic - despite the lack of due conditions and time.
On ultrasonography that day we did not get. It is necessary to register in the next week. Well, anything terrible. It will be on the way possible to come around and see in park at last all its sights.